3/2/2006 - charisma needed

as i write today,my mind drifts on and on,leaving a constant throb.Its not enjoyable and i had better days then today.Its been very annilating this turnulent existence.Coupled with severe misdeavours and pure foolishness,im left in the bitter cold again,with no bright light,dimmed by a forray of events.It somehow always end this way,i dunno what to think anymore,the 'O's dont look so important now.I have dramatically lost all sense of perspective in this instance.What am i going to do now? Hell,what have i done wrong or not done? Damn its not just a teenage angst anymore...its a deep scar,to be burdened forever..I seem a real thorn in a rose,what the heck i live for? sigh.i really dont know what to say,this is pretty common feeling for me nowadays.False optimism,sudden chance of luck,fail to take oppurtunity and now,back to sqaure one,stuck with nothing and nothing.A dawn of life has turned to dusk,i doubt i can last beyond the wind,beyond anything less daunting.My mind continues to drift...I seem to be in a time stance.Living in borrowed time,what should I do? Why do i like to forrage though such negative feelings? hmmmm...i feel so bad words cant describe at the moment,its not because of anything but myself.I have no one to blame but myself. Hell i think our class lost the debate coz of me,why cant i speak properly? or with more confidence? i know i can...but i always falter in the occasion.Damn and we lost by one mark.I feel i let down the team,especially the three debaters who didnt speak.Shit man,this is exactly what happens every year recently.Its a vicious cycle,it happened last year,a total depression,and i couldnt study...Now i cant even do homework,do anything of any decency,I seem like a childish idiot writing all this,boring everyone,but really,i need to think about what im feeling.My mind continues to plunder my bliss,every moment less happy than before.Hell,what am i thinking,i dont even have any specifics.I dont like it though,i just need an avenue to puke.Help!! My soul is being incarcerated by inevitable flames,licking my flesh over nature's cauldron.Have reflected and reflected and reflected,on the onset of life and other things.I need charisma,thats all...well,i lost any words more to describe how i feel,i should just retire and rot and die...I hate to feel like that,havent felt totally happy in a long long time,there is always a sentiment of regret or something all the time...Man i dunno what im doing...Im supposed to enjoy myself but im dragging and dragging,analysing and analysing..sigh..what am i to do? i feel so stupid...man....studies like shit as well...Im gonna fail chinese in JC im sure...im gonna be that person who misses out im sure....im trying to be optimistic but i cant...no one deserves to hear all this but yet im doing this...writing and dreading writing and dreading...no its no more a wound to lick and heal.Its a scar forever...a miraculous cure is urgently needed....why im writing this i dont know,its just the frustrations pending in me....im lost,i cant find solace,peace,warmth and love...i need to rethink my life but my mind is thinking aimlessly and i cant bring it back...man im really going to be such a well....erm...shit mind's throbbing like crazy...falling and failing my sanity..i might be thrown into the wilderness...it might actually be just me....sighh..sigh...sigh...what to do? And is it gonna be physics or history? and i know im going to miss 06S06...this class is really nice,,,i know once the results come i'll never feel the same again...coz its when my borrowed time is up...thank you reverend audience,but my time is almost up..Gone the days i could feel my passion's intense.Manchester United is but a distant background now.They lost and i feel yes disappointed and upset,but not like before,not like the passion i had before....My soccer stagnates in many places,and stages...never moving on from culdesacs and playgrounds...why cant the government instill pitches...if not,i agree with TODAY....to hell with singapore at the World Cup...if you cant even produce grassroot piches for the young why bother....and dun force ppl to take chinese? i resent it man...sigh....suddenly want to take french...wth....who am i bluffing? and whats more,my eyesight is so bad....yes its super bad....why im bothering going though life as normal is never gonna work...im stuck woth my eyes,my scars,my misendeavour...what to do?where to go? how to work it out? who to ask for help? when can i be free from all this crevices and abysses of life? man can i stop this nonsence? i cant...not now anyway....its an impregnable enemy...my jinx...im stuck with this ferociously stimulative thinking process....and im gonna die of depression because of it...Happiness is nothing to me now,just like leaves are prominent in winter...i need to find the light,i need to step out of the shadows,i need you i need you...sigh...life is so turbulent,i cant ask for an alternative flight can i? or should i jump to peril? man im boring everyone but im warped...dawning upon a pneumatic rush....goodbye my friends im adrift groping in the dark...despair fills me,and now i lost my will to fulfill my promise..i promised Louise ill never feel like that again,but its inevitable,and catastrophical...i squander chance after chance...i think i had enough outlets...i didnt take it...but one i do know is...well i dunno sigh....mind's cloudy...hope it clears up...such a palaver....man i gonna live on..and i'll try..im gonna be in light faint mode...hunger hits me,i shant eat...going to meditate...hopefully it would rejuvenate my wounded soul....To all my friends...i shall say this to you without hesistation:I love you all,Have a blessed life and a bright future,I shall applaud your success,feel your pain,enjoy your bliss,and share your joys of life..for nothing in life comes without colours,and you are one of them....yes the silver lining in the clouds,the treasure at the end of the rainbow.Potest Qui Vult,where there is a will there is a way!! yeah!!:) shall be trying to be happy now haha...i really need this transition....well let me see..well i enjoyed the Australian Open and i cant wait for Albert Park...Its gonna be a dogfight between Michael,Kimi and Fernando..I said im mercurial...and i stand by it...Manchester United forever!! Love my og,cg,my friends,SPSMB,and all my associations:) I dunno why i feel so well cleaved now,so well breeved now or well i dunno haha...im a confused guy..haha...i gotta admit i love girls man...hahaz...ah well i said more than my quota today...i love the VR.forum...i dunno why i love to write all this crazy genres but well,there is life after all..i just dont see it all the time...the world is such a abrasive place to be now...what with contrasting in everything going on...religion,race,ideology,perception,gender,height,abilities,academic etc...there is a saying science only soves the problems it creates...i kinda agree..this very competitive world...bribes,murder,rape,plunders...its time to move to real democracy....or partial anarchy...people not only the noble or the academically qualified,should be able to make decisions by the nation...gone should be taxes,there should be a pool of responsibility where ppl go and put their contributions...you put more,you get more....you put less...the nation suffers and you get less..no busybody attitude like bush should exist....and terrorism has no reason to surface again...for its the time fora global revolution....consciption especially in singapore is really useless...after all the firepower can destroy the whole world TIMES over...its up to us to see the true meaning of life...the true reason why we exist...the true way to live...for now though...i shall continue to try and live life to the fullest...though its a long shot to be honest...there is lots more im dying toi say and dying to tell..but whats for sure is,life goes on...i shall try and put a smile on my face...gone a bit anaylytical...told you i was mercurial...haha i think im talking to my diary...i think i shall stop here today haha..ive written my crazy life in an hour already!! im really crazy i really am..im sure no one else feels like me,thinks as absurd as me....should i just be myself? only time will tell whether im right...for now i shall just drift by the wind...and flow like the river....cheers!!

My story on VR.com...Enjoy!!

cheers!!!:)

BMW