15/2/2006 - terminal heartbreak

if i think i could go no lower...i thought wrong.....it was terminal heartbreak today..it started reasonably well,until of course she became moody..i wondered why she was so moody,and she continued to ignore me...i really felt sorry for her and no other feelings were intended to be projected,thus the sms from the bus.No reply.I knew something was wrong,something that will jeopardize our friendship..i didnt expect love to be so hurtful,and it did,,,how i wish we can just forget this and remain as friends..got the rationale from a good classmate of mine after 2 hours of torture waiting for a reply...love was beautiful,heartbreak was painful,the experience everlasting..as i know i have to get on with life,this will go down as the first girl i really really liked...how i wished we could just be friends now...this teenage angst has hit me hard...not even hunger can supress me...i left the school with nothing in my stomach since the morning entourage was escourted to white sands macs..ive gone sober and have not eaten since...and though the pangs work on my stomach walls,there is no mood for nourishment..school is a living hell...i would never forget sitting in the canteen and waiting for maths today...it was the most terrible i have ever felt...even worse than my fucked up results...everything is so fucked at the moment...my fucked results,my fucked love life,my fucked up fitness...everything is just so...well it couldnt be more wrong..and yes,based on the posting,if the demand for cjc is good and i miss out..i end up in srjc...what should i do now? it can surely only get worse...econs is still avoidable,chinese is not understanable,maths is so diabolical,chem is so frustrating and physics is so boring..not to mention the school will always remind me of this heartbreak...i knew it was coming somehow..i have never been sucessful in this kind of stuff..never...looking at my family...i think im the most useless..i so hopelessly fell in love with her...costing probably our friendship...wonder how to move on,knowing i would only fall...wonder how to go on,who knows what disasters entrall..for today i felt a searing wound hit my soul...not my physical flesh,but my heart..its painful....its hurtful...but somehow for her...GOD,let me take all the pain..i deserve it..the girl deserves to continue her life...after all im just a hindrance,a liability..a useless carnage of flesh,a dilapidated morssel for a brain..wonder when i would become so confident of everything i do...when i would ever have such charisma in life...what is for sure though,i dun blame you girl,thanks for leaving me a valuable experience in life,a painful learning process,a necessary one for an inferior to grow...im no match fo anyone...im beyond all despair and hope...im charred beyond recognition...it feels like a rejection...it surely is one...i dunno what to think...i just keep thinking...i dunno what to say...and so i keep saying...so girl,thanks for the memories,i know a rejection is imminent,heed my plea,dont ignore me..continue our friendship....its not an order but a request,not a fact but a dream..bt if she could make it a reality,the pain would be so much easier for me...