16/2/2006 - life's tests

what comes comes...recovering from my very well undescribable feeling yesterday..kinda understand the rationale behind all that,but it all sort of made me expect things to teether down and improve..i didnt expect to feel well abstractedly left out today..and she didnt come to school!! clearly there are other problems,there is a small leak somewhere,a deterrent, a flaw,a sense of rebellment and shunned ego...what am i doing wrong? clearly there is some diplomacy involved but the obvious is staring like rain on a frosted window..its really vital i know what im doing wrong and i need to take the necessary actions...but what? its tapping into the capabillities of all aspects..physically,mentally,psycologically,socially,academically,abstractly etc...well i refuse to believe its the end of the world..i believe there will be a solution before PAE's end..or rather hope so..trying to cling on to sentiments felt in the initial stages..realizing im really very emotional...but then why the palaver? after all the cold reality bites...JAE splits...we need the next few weeks..its gonna be like the last words and sentiments them i so enjoyed their company of..but its time to move on...even that i dunno where...cjc or sajc? freedom of CCA and friends,an average college or Band,relative strangers and a above par college? the contrast varies more than chalk and cheese...and yet its so hard to make a decision..wish i had tjc as an option instead of cjc though...the results leave behind the scar of the bittertaste..but yet again i wish to differ and i hope redemption is still obtainable..really riding on borrowed time i feel...incidentally flowing like the waves,with the class in abject repulsion for lessons..dunno what else to say....i love my class too much lol...i share their memories..i hope im an asset not a liability...i hope im more than a hindrance...i hope im more like a person than a thorn..i hope i can make the difference...btw mahjong was great today hahaz...finally learnt how to play thanks to jerlayn lol...went to her house and played with cheryl,nawawi,sallehin,audrey and poh wei jin..they were all very nice...thanks especially to jerlayn for teaching me lol....it was fun and addictive haha...dun worry we didnt gamble lol...luckily hahaz i only won once beginners luck!! =) haha i wanna thank everybody involved in my life..my life would be nothing without you guys=) it helps me get through my typical mercurial feelings,everlasting depression and disappointments...i hope to repay back the faith and warmth in any way i could...in the meantime life goes on...as i write another chapter in my life,as always i long to see a happy ending,a golden moment to celebrate typical style,with my friends,my loved ones,my associates and anyone concerning with my life..at this juncture of constant dilation and concentrations,the constant differentiation of the viscosity of the inner embellishment has left me to wonder if im living the golden years correctly...only a few years more as a teenager...enjoy!! better do haha...although my life is nothing but in shambles now..i hope to find the light...when there is a will there is a way lol....