19/2/2006 - casted back on thy trodden abyss..the scars must prove a learning curve now...

its now a confirmed state of affirmation.even though this fact has resounded through every fibrin of my body,the latest setback still took me aback.and yet again i can sink furthur...even the cjc prospects have taken a stumble...apparently the entry for cjc is now 12...dunno 12 means arts or science but that means my humility must be furthur tested...there is now almost a certain need to appeal to cjc...so now my options have crippled...no cjc,no sajc,no tpjc..its certain ill be posted to srjc...what could be worse? i mean ive been saying this for a long time...since o level nothing has been good..its been worse and worse..now im ever more feeling lost,lonely,cold,humiliated,outcasted,stupid...what to do now? go back tpjc? there is worse wilderness here then after PSLE..where i was lost i am lost deeper,where i lost out i now sqaunder,where the pain hurts now leaves a life scar..as i type drearily in the mist of the flowing background music in my room,the cold sense of reality is nailed on to the very fabrications of my sanity,putting it through a severe severe test..mind clouded,heart downtrodden,muscles untrained,image tarnished,confidence battered...i cant imagine worse...really when will things turn? school is turned into a drugery...i hate that feeling man..the feeling of total unconviction,and that awfully sinking feeling...i still cant stop thinking of her...sigh i hate my life..its just filled and filled with setbacks...then again im just a weak character...one of no resilience or social stature,or common commodity.i really dunno how i lost out so much now...as the clock flows even more past the 0216 am on a sunday morning,i wonder how i let 4 years of waiting turn into disaster...and now i bear the consequences..as they all say,too bad....and i think they all have got a bad impression of me..i havent got any confidence whatsoever...what my soul is crying for is a soul to talk to...and the first thing that comes to my mind is my da jie cheryl and wen ling...lol they are 17 already!! they are people i can confide to at the moment...and i would really love to tell it in words to her how i really feel about her...get it off my chest...i really got to tell myself i can pick up from this,that my slackiness and immaturity will stop now..if not then there is no point in trying,i might as well si at home and die rotting..i look at the future with my skeptics,hoping to be proven wrong...yet its ironic that i have to prove myself wrong to be happy....what a paradox...anyways my feelings are somewhat blunted...a sad lethargic feel emmanates the air in a dull lumination..truly bewildered..lost ..SOS...i need you're help badly=(