13/3/2006 - mixed feelings

right...i really blog only when i feel down...i knew it..i didnt blog when i was happy lol...haha its kinda weird yeah..but i know now..my bliss in getting into cjc was short-lived...i mean..i shouldnt be feeling this i suppose...but unfortunately i am...the period of brief respite lasted only 2-3 days..ok here goes..

i entered cjc on wednesday morning,by afternoon the class was formed...i effectively had about 2-3 hours with my og...what use was that? i left my og not knowing anyone,not getting close with anyone...i left srjc on monday..so i had no og there as well...i lost an og during transfer somehow,ok so it meant losing another turn in the social circle..but my social circle is back to one turn now...just the Tampines Mart Gang...yes to be very honest..they are the only group we can hang out anytime now..true,i can hang out with my mates in 0G19 and some friends in 06S06,but i mean,its like normally,on a normal school day,its pissing and frustrating...really...its like to see your friends one by one moving away...oh going out with og going out with cg this and that..not blaming them...im blaming myself for not only decadent boredom but abject loneliness..yes i lost my social life,whatever little i had was taken away...even Hisham feels the same way...cjc is a torture in this way..if we dont get to know people fast the stay could be nasty...first task is to know the cg class...better not mess this one up like what i did during PAE...

been feeling very much like venting myself the past few days..the exaperation,the desperation for something to hope for,something to cling on,is being fervently kept away from my reach...if they really hate me so badly just tell them to stick it right out and slap every possibility out of me...honestly,an answer is better than anticipation,no matter how vile the answer might be...and honestly i think i can screw ki..dont think i can take it,dont think i can go and snob the teacher with cold hard results...reality chills through the vents of the poor ventilation of the minisule and pathetic lecture theatre last friday..yes its pathetic yes,but the fact is,im stupid=(...i really am..no excuses this time..i mean yes i didnt study and all that...and that is the problem..i didnt study!! and i dont see myself doing it again...a drop in EQ is seeing my drop in IQ...after that it may be unassailable to catch up after that...it may be uncatchable already now..so well...i just want to release this new angst i have..what the hell is new right,old frigging stinking habits die hard...new ones time is not that easy to run out...lost....dead from boredom,dejection,isolation and abject lethargy..again and again,once more,i shall stagger into the new day....literally and metaphorically...