22/7/2006 - Rejuvenation

got what i wanted today. yes, rejuvenation. healing. things were slighty less off tangent than before. true, the elements for a depleted spirit is still there, the flatness and deflation nonetheless has proved it can be dealth with, but can be and has been are a mile away. yeah, been thinking alot recently, and of today, which was a typical day la, everything just ran like clockwork, with a few highlights speckled here and there. yeah, and besides the furor and the palaver of a incandescent PE lesson watching my class play my favourite sport while i run and do grandstands, and the embarassment of taking a unwilling econs book with maw chearng written all over it and leaving my very own under maw's desk somehow. yeah, and i didnt manage to get that in the end anyway, like the up and down scurrying for the book etc. yeah, its not frustration anymore, its really heartfelt. yes, these memories are not for you to wither and die off, its for memories sake. good old memories, like when i used to hate the band i cant seem to stop remembering the times, the times in SPS, the times in TPJC, the moments of pure satisfaction attached to gratitude and mortification, solace in what has happened, and a sense of emptiness that it no longer happens. yeah, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. i often felt shortchanged nowadays in this department. ah well...

yeah read sam's blog today incidently and i think shes right. been thinking of this for a while..it just struck me again like a lost island to a sailor. that pampered shell, the frog in the well, the innate comfort of what we call singapore, is really not doing us good in many departments at all. sentiments, priorities, determination, grit, endurance etc. its painstakinly disheartening to know im caught in this phase as well, and there is no or little way of avoiding it, often falling ever so easily in the safe shell of pure comfort and peace. yes, sam is right. it never struck again like now, wished i could do something substantial and not try to do with the substantial. never felt so weak. yes, its something i was wanting to forgo, but yet again the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. caught in its mesmerizing rhapsody..yes, the stellar foundations of our motherland is not helping us at all. true, it brought us our undeserved comfort, our unexplainable lives of living monarchies, being handled the golden spoon from cradle to grave, no material will suffice, no work will be endured, what substance for extinction. never mind the extinction, it contradicts the very fibrins of morality and humanity. yes, ive felt this not too long ago but im ranshackled. reflections can only do so much, its the actions u take that make or break, thats why what a backfoot thi has become. all my problems would probably stem from here. yes, this comfort shell may have brought benefits of some sort, but the damages is limitless. i can now conclude to have found the source of my absurdly high activation energy to study, the total innate ability for motoring skills, the weakness of physicality and the uneasiness of sociality and worst of all, the abject lack of independency and endurance. im utterly mortified and shamed. yes, its not healthy contemplating, need to get out of this shell, this is biding us our every candescent amount of problems. sigh,we live in ''if only'' instead of ''what if only'', the lament does not equate to the act. yes, and it spells what i mean by satire consequences.

well, plenty more to say but thats all for now.

gonna try and reflect more,

thanks sam for making me think more in depth,

its necessary not mandatory.

its a long road,

many things to do,

1) EOM

2) whatever mentioned above

3) sustain

4) rationale concludes

might go for the concert tommorow. might want to relive the spirit, enter the santuary, lighten thy heart,free thy soul, may the thinking juices flow for optimum perfection....Au Revoir..no deja vu for me...