19/9/2006 - Fade to Black
i knew it was coming. the inevitable. it was just a illusion that i wanted to create, a hope that i never had, and the stalling of time which eventually came. God created the golden day, its colours alluring the intensity and beauty of life's paradoxes. bestow yourself to nature and its gifts, many blessed with undeniable splendour. but shalt be left with nothing but dirt and sand. its all what i knew, and the day fades, fades to the crimson sunset. finally, fades to the black. Fade to Black. Just as the guitar plays the notes of inevitablily, common rationale was the order of the day. I dont blame them. miracles left the moment decandence transcended. i just got to carry this burden wherever i go now dont i. the scars remaining everytime i fall. i will never reach the top it seems, just enough meagre relief here and there to keep me going. how to channel this positively? i knew i was living on borrowed time, where i knew was the crux of my human element was crushed by sadly distorted proportions of the material artificial facade we live in. people are right, i havent been myself. containing the pressures of inner capacities, which threatened to boil over in unorthordox terms many times. why i have to enrage myself in this i dont know. what i do know is definite. what i revered i now hold some hint of resentment. im losing my faith. went to mass last sunday. i heard nothing. as usual. i stared at the ceiling. as usual. then it came. waves and waves. tides. uproars. it was a whril of rage. it was epihedrine. i just had to leave. the faith, the church. it meant nothing to me at that stage. it could be the moment i closed the door on what i neede the most. i didnt finish mass. like a trance, my footsteps told of what my life is at the moment. i walked away. i walked till where my feet could take me. nowhere. in circles at best. and now u telling me to go for a school church retreat? briliant...
exams so far ok. not great. not bad. just enough. but its the last on my mind at the moment. yes it really is. i really never tyhought about it at all let aloine worry about it. what im worrried well, hmmm..i stare at the window of 14 on the journey home. what is this i call home? actually. the loneliness passages were extremely relevant to me. just like things seem so uncanny and coincidental at the moment. yes. home is not home anymore. night study is to escape that living crib more than to jump grades. why so? long story..just the way things panned out. given my way i rather be a street urchin dying right now..one day im just going to go walking the path of no return. one day.. yes, murray was right, screw toffler. murray showed my problem. forget society. it was calling to me. calling me to understand as i wrote the very essence of my thoughts in black and white. solace,peace,tranquility, contemplation. bullshit. what bullshit. this mask of society. the hypocrites abound. more often we find deceit than the truth, diplomacy than friendship, favours instead of warmth. and you are telling me of self-healing? please..writing to my deathbed..
lest i forget the friends i have whcih i still appreciate with much, its probably whats keepingme going at the moment.
i hold nothing back. people do and did what they needed to do, i understand and respect that.
now to find my path.
or to just lose myself in another maze in the dark.
blackness prevails for now.
Fade to Black- Metallica:
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes gone
No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
chronicles ended 2222...
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