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Today"s Reflections
After having a good day yesterday I got home last night and things started to dip and head from the gutter... Leo seemed moody and she made some comment to me about me going to the internet that set me off... Showed me how truly uncontrolable this illness is.. How it is indeed temporary as I had a good day with lots of good personal insight about myself and life in general and then Bam .. again I was spinning in my irrational and Painful world. I flipped over that comment and began cursing and banging stuff around and left the house and came back and left again and grabbed a knife to cut myself but resisted... I wanted to drink or escape somehow .. all of this after I said earlier in the day that I did not need drugs or alcohol and was OK... I eventually calmed down and it seemed like nothing happened. I then after watching some TV and Dr Phil (good for the soul ) I began to relax and that is when Leo started to Cry and open up which she never does.. I calmly began to listen to her and offer advice... It felt right and like I was doing something good... She calmed down as well and we just watched somemore TV before she went to sleep as I laid awake in Pure Insomnia madness... But I feel that I want to bea Psych Doctor or Therapist.. I have lots of my own personal issues(Boy do I ) but feel that I have great insight and can help many people .. as I have been there.
Today just trying to do some good writing... there are many projects that I want to personally start.. including my own online radio broadcast.. but that will have to wait until I get a computer at home. I have this writers block that troubles me at times but that is because of my ADHD I often jump from site to site and never finish what I start.. It is a real battle to just focus on one thing and not get off track.. takes a lot of work for me to do that. I am getting excited for the Pats game tomorrow but nervous as welll.. should be fun but wish I was in Boston for It... that would be Amazing. However I am not in Boston, I am here and have to make the best of it, after all isn"t that all anyone can do with anything in Life... give it your best ??
I accept that I am not cured or healed from my addictions and Mental issues and never will be... I will have good days in between the bad ones and it is up to me to manage it the best that I cana nd not get too Cocky and think that I am in control and all better.. cause I did that yesterday and I took a full nose dive. I am anxious and antsy now but trying to keep my eye on the prize... Whatever that prize may be... I am trying to stay busy and out of my war zone of a head... and look toward the Future.. which for me Is the next five minutes as You never know what will happen inside of the Battle zone that consumes me .
R.C.
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Posted: 4:36 PM, 1/19/2008 by R.C |
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Life is an uphill Battle...
Today I woke up feeling like I normally do, which is gloomy. It was not all because of the nothingness and Insanity of the disorder but Also because Leo(my fiance) and I had another little problem last night.. She does not get me or see what I am about and when she does not understand me or like something about me then she just goes silent on me which makes me worse of course, as The Borderline always feels rejected anyway. There are certain parts of who I am that are sacred to me and also things that nobody can understand and accept.. Just the way of the world I suppose.. This causes many of our Issues and problems and is the reason for me to continue to play the " I am leaving, I am staying game ".. Basically similar to "I hate you, don"t leave me ", very common with BPD and with Me even more so. I never know if I should stay or Go.. I mean I always hop into relationships so quickly and get so serious so fast... then I want to stray and be on my own... Very confusing for all Involved. So, anyhow... Today after feeling sad when I woke up I decided I would go to the beach and try to get some much need stress relief... It was nice.. Many nice Interactions with attractive females on the bus and at the beach.. The usual "wow, the American is Hot" reactions from all the ladies... If you know me you know that I crave this kind of attention and this is the part of me that wants to play the field... But the other side of me loves and wants my family... my intentions are well.. I mean I feel like a little kid in a candy store with this attention from the many beautiful Girls here... I love Leo but why do I jump in so soon.. why can"t I just get my feet wet first... Cause when I jump in and feel all in Love.. it fades all the time within three to four months.. Like it has again... There I go ranting away again. So, to finish... I went to the beach and besides all of the female scenery.. I relaxed on the rocks and splashed in the water and did lots of thinking about my Life.. and I realized a view things.. One is that Yes, I am an addict and addicts crave drugs but I do not need them, I can be in recovery and begin to feel good.. Drugs will just destroy me.. Look at the past and I will see where they have got me to this point... I just have to remember that when I get emotional and crave an escape as the Drugs often provide that escape from uncomfortable feelings and emotions.. I feel that maybe I had what those in AA call "a moment of clarity"... Second I was thinking that No, I am not perfect.. I have problems but I can overcome.. I accept that I have this disored and addictions and lots of pain and problems but I am a good person, I am talented and smart and can overcome my problems and do great things... I cannot let this illness hold me back from my destiny.. whatever that may be... The difficult part is that when I have an episode.. I cannot stop and say to myself " This is the disorder.. these are not my feelings but the disorder talking " I go into the BPD Zone ( I call it that ) where the disorder and it"s complexity controls me and all hell breaks loose... I told myself that I love you.. I have nothing bad about me.. just baggage that I need to handle... I always say that I hate myself but the truth is that I love who I am... I just hate how I feel ... I also explored my relationship with Leo and although that also is not perfect.. I care for her.. she has been there for me and is a Good woman.. I got her pregnant and want to raise the baby with her.. Yes we are different and I have issues but I have to try to make it work if I can.. she does not understand me or my problems but she is patient with me and that is far more than any other Girl I have been with has done with me.. Friends are patient with me but Very few girls put up with my insanity.. I woulden"t put up with me if I was not me... So Today was good... I had an opportunity at the beach to just relax.. enjoy the sun and water.. and just reflect.. get away from the stresses and anxiety... Fed some dogs and got some joy out of that as well.. especially the one who had only three legs.. he warmed up to me as I fed him the doggie treats... That warms my heart so much... I felt God out there on the beach as I sat and reflected.. I felt something happening inside of me... Not sure what though...or could be I am just nuts again...
It always feels like 4th and long (football term) in my life where the odds are stacked against me.. I have all this crap going on inside of me and it feels impossible to get a first down and make the comeback.. charge down the field and score the touchdown... Throwing up a hail mary seldom seems to work but that seems what I am always forced to do... The key is that I make better choices and go for the smaller plays (steps) on the first three downs so that I do not put myself in that position... Having the game on the line all the time is a stressful place to be... I am sorry if people do not get the football reference but basically what I am saying is.. I always feel like my back is up against the wall and I am faced with impossible odds, a major wall in my way.
Yes, I feel the same insane , confusing, and off the wall feeling which will surely knock me down again and make me feel like calling it quits.. and yes I need treatment but the mere fact that I realize those roadblocks that are in my way and the tricks my mind plays on me, and that I am not dead yet.. Yes of course I have work to do (which is so hard for someone who feels helpless)... But there is Hope.., isn"t that all anyone has anyhow ??
R.C.
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Posted: 5:38 PM, 1/18/2008 by R.C |
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Treatment is a must !
I am realizing more and more that treatment is a must .. I need to see doctors, get on right meds, and talk out some of what goes on in me.. It is not good to keep it all inside.. I did that for many years and lok where it got me... So my hope is to go to the States and get some help.. see some Doctors and work my way back up.. so hard though as all I want to do is go in the hospital although I know that has never done me much good in the past... I am just hanging on until I can get some help.. I will not have much time to get seen while I am in the U.S. but I imagine that it will be more than I have now which is nothing, drowning in my own tears... There are some joys here which keep me afloat.. Like the few friend"s I have, Leo"s family, feeding the dogs.. and this amazing place but the Choas of having an illness with no help around me keeps me from rising above. I do not know if I will ever be OK.. I feel like I am doomed to live in this damaged soul for eternity but I have to hold onto some hope.. I have to believe that I can find a way out.. Of course I am scared of Going to S.F. Because of how much of an abusive place it was for me and how I used so much and had so much pain and desperation there---I know that I cannot go back to smoking the pipe again although I am unable to let go of the good times and love affair with that Evil Drug... I know that I must stay close to sober friends, go to meetings and Doctors and do the right thing.. The main thing to do that will help me to stay on the right track is to Try to keep my emotions and Impulisive nature in Check.. something I have never been very good at... I may need long term treatmnet.. In fact I firmly believe that I do but I also have a baby on the way and a family to care for here... So it puts me in kind of a difficut situation...
As for today... I had sort of a brekdown last night although short lived and Leo saw it all..I think she is beginning to understand.. at least she loves and supports me even when I say that I am leaving.. The whole stay or Go pattern I deal with. I feel anxious, bored, Sad but Hopefrul... I have hope that I can have a good next couple of weeks.. and go to to States and see loved ones and get some help before returning here to see my baby born, get married, and maybe even start my Blogging career full time from Home.. if I can get my own computer and set up at home. I am struggling, minute by minute but I am doing the best that I can with what I have and Know and accept that although I may never change or get bettter.. I may always indeed be a mess... I know that I have to get some treatment for my Illnesses and addictions and at least Try.
R.C.
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Posted: 4:51 PM, 1/17/2008 by R.C |
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Insight into causes of BPD (in me and in general )
I found this article(under my personal theory) with Insight into what generally causes Borderline personality Disorder.. I also wanted to Discuss what caused my BPD and other Mental Health Issues... Of course I am no Doctor but I do have some insight into what caused my own BPD and what makes it worse...
Of course there are biological factors and chemical imbalances that are a major factor in my Illness although many other things play a a role in my disorder(s)... I grew up in a sheltered environment with two caring Parents.. My Mom and Grandmother who loved me dearly(Dad was absent) but my mother had Borderline as well as Bipolar and other issues.. I saw her outburts and breakdowns often and she was often iun the Hospital from such events... I learned those behaviors from a young age and was very socially isolated... needed my family to do everything for me.. I felt socially , emotionally, and mentally incapable of taking care of myself or my own needs... I ran away from my feelings and could not deal with reality.. never knew what a healthy relationship was.. was picked on and made fun of in school and around places which did not do much for my self esteem and self image. By the time I was 17 I was still really trapped in a 10 yr old"s soul and emotions ... and I started abusing drugs and alcohol and of course that kept me stuck at a very young age emotionally.. Never knowing who I was.. I would drift in and out of different interests, idenities, and Groups of people.. just wanting to be accepted by someone, anyone. I had a great family but they enabled me to much which led to my poor emotional and mental development over the years and when I did move out on my own I was unsure how to cope or deal with Life.. which explains why I did then and still do now escape by various means.. always searching for myself.. trying to relive my childhood, teenage years,and twenties.. It seems like I am always playing catch up but always ten strides behind... Now , I am without treatment and my disorder is worsening by the day.. sometimes by the minute.. Not the right meds, Doctors, or overall supervison creates for a chaotic Life and I continue to live with this sense of nothingness... Sure I can see what may have caused my disorder and problems but That is then and now I must see what needs to be done to fix them or at least make them better...Just sitting here hoping things will change does not do it but I often feel helpless to help myself.
CAUSES OF BPD
For many years, it was commonly believed that the main cause of
borderline personality disorder was poor or uninformed parenting. It
now seems most likely that both environmental and biological factors, especially genetic ones, place a person at risk for developing the disorder.4,9-12
For example, psychological and social (environmental) factors,
including but not limited to poor parenting, increase the risk of
developing the disorder in those people biologically predisposed to it.9 It appears that no single cause, or risk factor, is responsible by itself for causing the disorder.
Finally, it is generally held that biological and environmental risk
factors interact to reach a certain critical level of brain dysfunction
in order for the symptoms of borderline personality disorder
to become apparent. It appears that this critical degree of disturbance
of brain function can be achieved by a large amount of biological risk
that requires only a low amount of environmental risk, low biological
risk coupled with high environmental risk, or intermediate levels of
both.
Research studies now suggest that over 50% of the risk of developing borderline disorder is conveyed by genetic abnormalities.
These abnormalities appear to affect the proper functioning of those
brain pathways or circuits that serve the behavioral functions of
emotion information processing, impulse control and cognitive activity
such as perception and reasoning. Current research suggests that there
is not a single, specific gene for borderline disorder. It appears that
the genes that increase risk for the disorder may be passed on by those
people who have the disorder itself, or a related disorder, such as
bipolar disorder, depression, substance use disorders and posttraumatic
stress disorder.
Environmental Risk Factors
It is important to understand that children who have not been exposed to such environmental traumas still develop borderline disorder.
This suggests that in some people the biological risk of developing the
disorder is very high, and may be sufficient in the absence of
environmental traumas.
If you suffer from borderline disorder, you are more prone to develop
certain other mental disorders than those who do not have borderline
disorder.13,14 One possible explanation of this is that some of the genes that increase the risk of developing borderline disorder also increase the risk for developing these other disorders as well.
The disorders that most often occur with borderline disorder include the following:
Often, the
diagnosis of these disorders is made correctly in patients with
borderline disorder, but the diagnosis of borderline disorder is
missed. When this occurs, treatment for the other condition is
typically less successful than it might otherwise be, mainly because
the appropriate treatments for borderline disorder have not been utilized.
Conversely, the effective treatment of borderline disorder requires the prompt recognition of other disorders if they are also present and, if so, the appropriate additional treatment.
The early detection and effective treatment of a mental disorder
co-occurring with borderline disorder may result in rapid improvement
of the symptoms of borderline disorder
if it is being properly treated itself. This is an added incentive to
consider the presence of these disorders along with borderline
disorder, and to treat them when present.
For these reasons, you and your psychiatrist
should attempt to determine the presence of these co-occurring
conditions, and to initiate promptly the appropriate additional
treatments if indicated.
You have the responsibility to build the foundation for your own recovery. Patience and persistence are essential to success.
These behaviors are usually not strong points of people with borderline
disorder. However, they can be developed with the proper help, and as
small and large successes are achieved, and failures become less
common. Others with borderline disorder have done so. So can you. Do
not lose hope.
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Posted: 4:22 PM, 1/17/2008 by R.C |
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The Circle I live In.
Leo yesterday mentioned something to me.. she said I have this Circle that only I am in and I leave out opportunities for change and Positivity. This struck home as I after thinking about it for about an hour or so.. Realized that I do this for sure.. she asked why I stay in the circle and my response was that I feel safe in the circle.. nobody can hurt me. She asked if she was in the circle and I said no... you are in a different circle and I come to see you when I do not feel in danger or vulnurble. My Circle is a place that I do not have to have responsibility.. I can go around and round in it and nobody can come in and hurt me.. I do not have to take risks.. I can just stay there and wallow in my sorrow. I can have everything in this circle.. I choose what comes in and what goes out.. sort of. I understand though that a sucessful life is not lived in a circle, box, or any other form of confinment and safety. Life is a mix of god and bad and all the stuff inbetween... Life is an unsure journey with often no clear destination. This makes me very uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. I created this circle to kep me safe and protected but in fact it often creats more pain as I fel trapped in there.. Feel like I cannot breath as my Circle has no windows or way out.. just up and down I go.. when the heat gets to much at the bottom I float to the Top and when the bottom gets too cold I float to the top but eventually the circle gets smaller and smaller and I have nowhere to go... This is what is happening now.. I am overwhelmed in My Circle.. it is not the safe haven that it once was... It is not a secure place to rest or get away from my demons.. as my demons are in that circle with me trying to smother me.. but people in the world try to do the same as well, so what to do, where to Go???
I have a lot ahead of me.. geting married (not sure I want to ) and a baby on the way that I am not sure that I am emotionally ready for... More Mental Health problems than the cookoo"s nest, and an addiction that eats at me even with much time clean.. as well as hopes, dreams, desires, and of course expectations... What does someone with so few positive coping skills and so much fear and internalized Hate and sadness do to deal with all this at Once.. What do I do.. I hope I can get some kind of treatment to deal with this stuff or at least begin to as I feel like a window with a crack.. over time the crack gets larger and larger and eventually the Window shatters into a million pieces.. That is what I feel like now.. That the crack in my soul is growing by the day and I have no super glue to slow it down and hold it together. Like last night.. Leo simply asked me to hang up the clothes outside but with her watching me and giving me instructions.. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I almost snapped...If something that minimal sets me off, what will happen when real danger or stress is present ???
The Circle I live in is not as safe as I thought.. Getting less comfortable by the day but yet I do not know how to build a new circle.. have no idea where to start.. who can help me or if anyone can ? I feel that the window is about to smash and all this potential that is behind the window will be blown away... There is good in my Life.. Family, events, and more but the bad overshadows the good and keeps me right where I am... Stuck in this Bouncing Ball.
R.C.
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Posted: 4:10 PM, 1/16/2008 by R.C |
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Brief note on My World Today !
Not much to report today, Keeping it brief here as I am writing on a Meth recovery site to get some support for my cravings and how I can let go of the love affair I have with that drug and lifestyle some eight months after using it for last time. I am walking back into the pit of fire soon (sf, ca) where Meth and homelessness consumed me and nearly killed me so need all of the support I can get. I am feeling up and down as last night I was totally down which is uncommon for me.. really anxious and sad. I feel all alone although I am surrounded by my girl and her family.. I feel like I want to isolate though.. and Like I want to escape.. escape just what I do not know. Leo and I are going to a movie , a comedy-just to relax and spend some time together.. I am trying to make the relationship work although sometimes wonder if I just want to be on my own .. almost cannot deal with being with someone all the time.. Although I crave it so much when I am alone.. I have hard enough time dealing with my own emotions and issues and add another person to the mix and Oh, Boy does the madness intensify.
I called my Psych Doc last night and left him a message.. afraid to talk to him directly I guess, The last time I talked with him in June he advised me not to stop treatment which I did impulsivly as I hopped a flight overseas.. I hope I can see him or someone soon as I often feel like I am coming apart at the seams.. I need help and long term I believe as If I do not get back in treatment I am afraid I will return to my old and destructive ways... I am just hanging on right now.. I mean I like it here but I cannot control my emotional outbursts and breakdowns.. I need help.. people that know what I am going through.. Leo loves me but just does not get my Disease. She does not think that it is chemical or something that I cannot control.. If there was a switch, I would gladly turn it off !
R.C.
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Posted: 5:03 PM, 1/15/2008 by R.C |
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Where I am at Today..
I just wrote about how I must put staying clean and sober as my focus and that is what I have been thinking about most, not in a obsessive way but in a careful thought out way. I am scared of relapsing but also excited about the opportunity to be involved in some kind of treatment again.. even if It is just going to meetings for a few days and seeing sober friends. Otherwise, I had trouble sleeping last night as I have an ear infection as well as my normal health problems but I had an overall good day yesterday.. did not have a break down (although this morning I had anxiety attack when Leo asked me to help her do something) and got through the day OK, I stayed away from the adults and just played with the kids and hung around the house during the shower.. I am a big kid anyway. It was a nice day.. made me feel good to hold Leo"s friend"s baby boy.. he is so cute and reminds me of my son Avery when he was a baby .. I hope that when we have a baby he is like Brian ( the baby yesterday ) ... Otherwise Just relaxed last night and no explosions or need for one although as I tried to sleep I had lots of racing thoughts.. It is good though that I was able to get outside of myself for awhile and not be so wrapped up in my emotions. Then today I fed this Dog who is homeless (like all the dogs here ) and he was so sad but I did what I could to help and that makes me feel good. At the moment I am feeling anxiety and stress, like my emotions are infected and not my ear.. I think I feel this way because I have to go home soon and be with Leo.. I feel at ease and relaxed when I am here at the Net writing.. It is when I have to go home I stress out... I plan to call my old Psych Dr later and leave a message telling him that I am going to SF soon and would like to see Him if possible... So there it is.. I am not perfect.. I have ups and downs but there are some little joys in my life and that does break up the Chaos and madness that Lives inside me some. I cannot expect people who do not suffer from what I do to understand, I just ask them to Try and not Fault me for how I feel or sometimes act.. It is a process and I think that I do pretty well for someone with No meds really and No treatment for such a Complicated Illness.. I do my Best with what I have.
R.C.
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Posted: 5:29 PM, 1/14/2008 by R.C |
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DO WHATEVER IT TAKES !
I heard Dr Phil say once to these two teen addicts.. "I will do whatever it takes to save your Life " and I listened to that same clip over and over again until It sunk in.. I have to do whatever it takes to save my life. I have to focus on my Soberiety and stay clean and sober or else I will die from my addictions. I say this as I go to San Francisco soon which is the place where my addiction to Crystal Meth nearly destroyed me and I know that I am not cured.. and I have not said my goodbyes to that drug or lifestyle.. I know that I will remember all of the places and situations that I used in once I step off that plane and it is vital that I have myself right and do not fall as if I do I know that the liklihood that I will die as my health is not exactly in a great place and one more hit of that awful drug could kill me and although Life is painful for me I am a fighter and do not want to die.. I need to let go of the glamour and idolizing that I do of that drug even eight months after my last use. I listen to that clip on youtube over and over as I stated previously and It sends chills up and down my back as I know that I almost died many times last year and in 2006 and that this is a life and death battle that I must be vigilant at to succeed. I never got treatment for my drug problem.. I did but I did not want it, I did not see the seriousness of what this meant, Recovery is neccassary to survive. Things just do not go away, you have to work at them and not let anything get in your way. There are two things that stand in my way of staying clean and sober and they are one.. letting go of how great I feel when I am having sex with men and using Meth and how I connect the two and two being that If I do not deal with what is going on inside (meaning my mental illness) then I will continue to use as that is what draws me to the drugs to begin with.. The impulsive nature of who I am and my actions has been a major stumbling block in my recovery.. I feel stress and emptiness and just want to feel something so I use any excuse to pick up and that is what will be my downfall.. Will power does not work for any addict but especially for the Borderline addict.. You cannot treat one and leave the other to fester.. you (meaning I ) have to treat them together as they feed off of each other.. my mental illness and addictions go hand and hand and whenever things get hard I reach for a drug, drink, or anything to fix the problem.. and that is because I do not have the right treatment.. Just think of it this way. I could have great sex once again and escape for a day or two if I got high but if I play the tape and remember the sequence of things that happen when I use then I know that it will end in disaster..I know this, I know that it is bad for me and helps nothing but I am an impulsive addict with no self control.. not my fault just how it is.. so I have to learn self control and get help while I am there and stay close to sober friends.. Doing whatever it takes means just that.. Being steadfast and doing everything that I can to survive.. and not only survive but Prosper. The price I have paid and will pay again if I use is not worth what I will get out of the Temporary escape .. Look at Costa Rica.. I had an unfortunate thing happen to me, a stressful event that was not my fault but I added to that by picking up.. Did it make things better ?? No, It just made me realize what I already knew.. that I am an addict and I use to fix things that cannot be fixed by such means... I just have to constantly remind myself that I am sick and I must do Whatever I have to in order to get Better.. I must let go of the Past and my Love affair with The Drug Lifestyle or It will Let Go of Me. Treatment does not happen overnight but I have to stick with it and have it be my number one Priority..
R.C
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Posted: 4:43 PM, 1/14/2008 by R.C |
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When The Lights Go Out....
They really go out. Last night during the Patriots Important and exciting playoff game all the electricty on my street went out , down the street their was energy but on my street nothing, Just at the important part of the game. This happens often here in the 3rd world but has not happened in almost a month and could not have come at a worse Time. For those that do not know me well, I am a Huge Boston Sports fan and it is actually one of the few times where I can totally escape my problems and get excited and interested in something without distractions. I of course went into Meltdown mode when this happened.. I was pacing, shaking and overall a mess. I kept wondering what was happening in the game that I could not see... I started an angry outburst.. Not at any one person but just in general. I then said to Leo That I wanted to go to the Internet and see the score.. She was upset by that, saying that the game was more important than her and she needed me there, I know it was dark and all but she grew up with these blackouts.. I went into a crying spell and laid on floor just in a distraught state... I went to the cyber cafe and checked the score and felt relieved that The Patriots were winning Still.. then went back home and just at end of game the Lights came back on,¨The Pats won which made me happy although the expierience was not the same as all the drama that was involved. Leo would not speak as that is what she does when she gets down , She for the first time saw a complete meltdown and she could not understand that it was all over a game.. Of course the true reason for my meltdown was not because of the game.. I cannot truly say what it was for or because of but I do know that there are certain things that are Important to me and take me away from the Chaos of my Life and the Pats and Sox have always been some of those things.. They provide Hope, inspiration, and feels like I am part of something, something real.. which helps when not much feels real in myself or Life. I later said that I was leaving her and I could not deal, then two seconds later retracted that statement.. not sure where I want to go just like a fast bouncing ball. Of course this type of reaction is not Normal but it is all that I know.. I have acted this way before when I could not get my way.. It creates this feeling inside of me that I am bad and deserve this punishment.. Then we people do not talk to me and ignore me I feel like I am even more bad. So when something external happens like the lights going out Then the small glimmer of a light inside me goes out and hell breaks loose.. Things become utterly Chaotic and disrupted and I feel like I am on automatic Pilot and out of control.. Leo tells me just think positive, tell yourself That you love yourself and everything will be OK, If It were only that easy I say.. of course I have responsibility for my actions but She does not get that I have no control over how I feel.. feelings are feelings and we can pick and choose which we want and which we do not want.. doesen"t work that way I am afraid. Especially for someone with problems such as I have where the emotions are so disregulated and all over the place.. One often has no idea where to start to process their feelings... Most people who do not have Psych. training or have the illness themselves do not understand that.. They think that The "I am OK " attitude will fix everything, But what they do not understand and what I was in denial of for far too many years is that.. There is no quick fix for BPD or the other problems I and those like me face..It is a process that I am convinved can only be made better with support and Treatment.
So, Today we are having a baby shower for her sister and there are a lot of people over the house which makes me so nervous and out of myself.. I will try to relax and watch the other Football game that is on to see who my Pats play next and also play with the Kids.. the only people I can generally tolerate.
R.C
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Posted: 1:45 PM, 1/13/2008 by R.C |
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How I feel Today
Today I feel more worry and anxiety over my heart and health problems which of course makes the condition worse.. I feel that Things way get worse and I will not get medical help in Time.. That is the issue with living in a 3rd world country that I have... Very relaxing way of life but things such as Good and Reliable Health care and emergency services are not available as are not Psych. Services. So I am just trying to relax and do some writing here and also reading up on heart disease and Artery problems (such as I have I am told )
I will be watching the Patriots playoff game soon but will try not to get too Excited as it can cause health problems. It should provide me with some relief emotionally though... That is the thing when I feel that I may have a serious health condition , I tend to shift my focus to that and not so much on my Emotional and BPD issues, But believe me when I say that the Borderline issues are still very much there and active pretty much all of the Time. Otherwise I feel pretty much the same, not too manic but pretty empty all of the time.. The best way to describe it is I have this feeling inside of my soul that something is wrong with me or something is just Not right with me... I feel like a glass that you fill up with water but it keeps draining out as there is a hole in the bottom.. I fill myself up with so much and yet remain so empty.
I watched this movie last night that featured a girl who had BPD.. I had seen it before but did not realize that it was about Borderline.. well the main character anyway.. It was called Girl Interrupted.. and that is me I guess.. Boy Interrupted. I could relate so much to how she was feeling, her outbursts, Lifestyle, and feelings. Leo laid next to me and could not relate.. she kept saying she is crazy.. I said No.. she has what I have, she was surprised.. I try to explain my illness constantly but she does not get it and I want her to so much. I want her and others to understand that It is not my fault that I feel and act how I do.. It is just how I am.
I feel confused and depressed and up and down and all the usual stuff.. But very concerned over my health..I hope I can get some answers soon.. I really do hope so.. Cause I always say that Life is too hard and I want to die but I really do not.. Just want the emotional pain to be managable.. It is my illness that wants to die.. The BPD wants to die and cease to exist but ME.. No, I want to live and have adventures, help people, and Live my Life.. the best that I know how or Can.
R.C.
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Posted: 4:18 PM, 1/12/2008 by R.C |
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Unstable (Poem)
Everything about me is a mess and I do not even know if I ever was at my best
the pain and sorrow that lives inside of me is something that I always try to flee
but when I try I just fall down and everyone laughs at me like a clown
I have an arrangment of emotions that follow me wherever I go and How to manage this I never know.
I lose sight of who I really am and I often feel that I never will be alive again, as I feel dead inside with No hope in
sight but It is me that feels so unstable in this Fight.
I cry out , someone please take the pain away yet I will find that it lives in me yet another day
I ask, Why me, why must I feel this way and have such a life but The answers are never there to grasp
So, I lay there feeling lost and wounded and have to put on yet another mask.. a disguise to hide who I am or what I feel as nobody in this world understands how this is so real.. They say.. It will get better, just smile.. What they do not know is it is not my fault and just a symptom of the madness and chaos that fills me .. Will I ever be stable and Free ??
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Posted: 4:46 PM, 1/11/2008 by R.C |
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Some thoughts on Where I am and What Dreams I still Hold onto.
My current situation and feelings about my Life as it stands now.
Today I feel Good at the moment although it is slipping away as it normally does, I fed some Dogs today with the treats I bought and gave one a bowl of water.. It felt so good to help these animals, almost a form of therapy. I care so much for others and especially Animals. I still feel this emptiness and inability to feel the passion for Leo that I felt just a few months ago.. I feel like I always want to be alone and have free time to myself. I feel like screaming often, Escaping and just getting out of my own skin as the feelings I feel are often unbearable. I am happy to Go to the states and get some help for all my issues, medical, mental, drug, and more .. I wonder what lies ahead for this relationship and my recovery in general. I feel like a Kid all the time , Like I want to just date different girls and travel around and do all the things I had planned to do. I do love Leo, I care for her and it was me that got serious in the first place but That is how I react to attention.. I fall in Love and then soon lose interest and want to be free and able to roam again. Not the first time that this has happened. I have to realize that I am not alone now and she counts on me as does my baby to be. I also do see that we as people have to be true to ourselves and not live a lie.. If we are not happy we must move on.. we have to be Fair to everyone involved. It is hard for me since I bounce around and my feelings are never consistent.. Neither are my wants or want nots. I feel that I love it here but yearn for the familarality of the U.S., I feel free here and at ease but the lack of Psych and Medical care makes for a stressful and unbearable existence. If I left I would miss and need her but If I stay then I am not sure what I will feel, I want to have my cake and eat it too but know the possibility of that is slim at best. I have trouble making decisions on my own, I want others to make them for me.. It is easier and less stressful that way for me. I feel Confused about who I am or what I want, I feel anxious and fearful, I feel Like a twenty four hour a day roller coaster... I know that constant treatment is all that will make it better, How do I do thata nd still provide for my family.. I am scared of being around all the people for the Baby shower she is having for her sister on sunday...I am somewhat fearful of going to San Francisco as I know that I am not through the woods of my addictions and my emotions and impulsive ways could cause me to fall again and with my heart the way it is, I cannot afford that. Still, this is how I deal with problems, I want to take away all The pain and using is the only way that I know how to do that.. Cutting does so for awhile... But it seems as crazy as it sounds.. drug abuse is more acceptable to people than self injury.
I view my life as this.. You start going down a road for just a little while and get into a pattern that is not neccisarily what you want but you go with it for whatever reason and before you know it then you are living a life that you did not set out to or intend to, doing what you do not want.. and feel helpless to Get out.. The guilt of hurting another keeps you stuck.
The dreams that I still Hold onto.
Giving all the pain and madness I feel as a result of my past and the emotional issues I feel now at an intense level, It is an amazement that I still hold on to all the hopes and dreams that I do, It is a miracle that with all the negativity and self hatred that I have great hope for what I can still do with the rest of my Life. I feel that as low as I go, as many bottoms as I create for myself and as many times as I fuck up... There is always Hope that I can turn it all around.
I dream of getting help for my disorders and getting healthy again, staying sober and helping others do the same. To help people with the same issues that I suffer from and also help Animals that are needy and also other people who are less fortunate than me. I dream of going back to college ( online or at a school ) and pursue a Pysch. Degree and then on to Medical school and eventually follow the path to become a Doctor.. A Psych Doc that helps people with BPD and addictions.
I dream of having a family and being financially stable so I can give them a good Life.. I dream of setting myself up as a freelance writer and photographer and make a career out of that while I pursue that College Degree.. I dream of still traveling and exporing the World and myself. I dream of doing strong activist work for the Many causes that are important to me to Help people accept who they are and create a path of understanding and acceptance in the World.. so we all are viewed as Equal.
I dream of having the Life that I have always dreamed of.. I dream that I can get out from Under this Rock and Do great Things !!
R.C.
(Life is often hard and can leave us in excutiating emotional pain but many have showed in the past that it is possible to overcome )
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Posted: 3:03 PM, 1/11/2008 by R.C |
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Drowning Poem (just off top off my head )
I wade out into the ocean knowing that I cannot swim
I wonder if i can survive this whim, I feel the water
getting higher and higher as I am filled with a feeling this situation is Dire.
I panic and shake as the waves flow above my waist.
I am starting to feel alone, trapped, and with no chance at all
then I begin to fal.. To the ocean floor I go, struggling to breath and save my Life
Man, this will be one hell of a fight..
Water and emotions go hand and hand for me at this Time as I know that I cannot swim in water nor in my Mind.
I am drowing with nobody to rescue me and all I want is to be free.. Of the pain and suffereing that fills me daily.. I would if I will ever Find who I am or will I continue to feel this way daily.
Someone throw me a life vest or at least Let me die so I can finally be at rest.
I do not know what to do or say as the waves consume me and I cannot even see.
I know that the tide will lessen and I will be able to find my way to shore once again but will I ever know what it is like to swim and be able to stay above water, will I ever find a way to stop this self destruction and damage that I cause my soul and will I ever see myself as whole ?
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Posted: 5:26 PM, 1/10/2008 by R.C |
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Never sure if I am an Apple or an Orange...
Things are difficult as always, but without treatment I am trying top do some things on my own and relax and try to take care of my physical health first and then maybe the emotional will follow. I admit that I need treatment, I need longer term help and so wish I had listened to the Doctors back in the U.S. when they said not to stop treatment and it would have dire consequences. I am still trying to regain the passionate feelings I had for my GF in the begginning and not continue this pattern of falling hard for someone, asking them to marry me and then just flip flopping and wanting out, But not wanting to be alone or hurt that person.. It is basically wanting new and exciting things all the time, needing drama and a way to stop the Painful boredom. I was out feeding the Street dogs some treats I bought for them but they are scared of people and most run.. They are not used to people showing them attention and caring for them.. almost like with the Borderline. Fell so alone and isolated and when someone shows you Love and support you don¨t know what to do.. you run or scare them off.. as I have often done. I have this issue where I am attracted to everyone, Girls, Guys, you name it.. I want to be free but Do not want to lose Leo.. real confusion. With my health problems and emotional illness on top of it, It is very overwhelming and frustarting. Not sure what to do. Leo asked em if I was Gay last night, I said I don´t know, maybe.. She asked this after watching a Oprah special on Gay wives and husbands.. She was like.. ¨how could you not know´I said, sometimes I feel one thing and the next minute I feel something else.. She does not understand nor accept the various compartments of Who I am.. I doubt she ever will, so what do I do... baby on way and all.. Not sure.. Kinds feel stuck again. I mean I cannot imagine my life without her, but This life is hard as well.
I have to be true to myself but who is that, who am I ? I never know if I am an Apple or an Orange.. I do not know if I want to go this way or that way.. I know that I have certain compartments of myself that are a part of me for sure.. But I hide them because nobody accepts them. I could live with her and be OK, Be pretty happy but will anyone ever make me truly happy ? Will anyone fill me up like I need to be or will they continue to ¨¨wear off¨Like a drug does, buzz does, or good feeling that never lasts .. I have been controlling my outburts and trying to control the anxiety but it is not easy... To have these intense feelings but nobody around me understands makes me feel more alone.. I could be in a room full of people that adore me but Nobody sees that my soul is breaking piece by piece.. I have to find a purpose, a meaning for my life that I can follow through with without falling apart... I tell Leo that I am Falling apart and having a breakdown, day by day.. She says nothing.. no response.. I guess she just does not get it or Me.. which makes me wonder if we are Doomed... Hopefully the Patriots game this week will cheer me up but I know that without treatment, there is no healing and I have no access to help now and it is killing me by the day as My Symptoms worsen by the day... There are little joys and hopes that Keep me going.. I see Angels and Possible saviors alll the time but the constant reminder that I am not who I want to be and the Pain is eating me apart and No help in sight Lessens that Hope I carry.
R.C
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Posted: 4:51 PM, 1/10/2008 by R.C |
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Even the way I write spells BPD
| Nothing is consistent with me, I write big, then small, and smaller and then big again. Never can do anything in a constant form, Nor can anyone else in my life it seems though. I know I rant a lot about this but The temporary nature of my feelings and ways drives me Crazy.. I cannot follow through with anything. All seems doomed, I seem to do really well, whether it be with staying Sober, in a relationship, at work, etc.. and then I either sabotage it or it just crumbles anyway due to the pressure. Given all my mess inside of me and my life as a result I do have hope and enjoy somethings... I enjoy Girls (too much I think ) and being with my Own Girl and just relaxing (when all is calm ) taking care of and being around animals, Sports, travel, movies, writing and much more but It does seem that with everything there is some aspect of my Illness that comes along with it... I guess that is the only thing that is consistent is my Borderline and various Mental health issues.. It constantly reminds me that I have issues and I have to struggle, nothing comes easy...I get angry for no reason, I run and want to flee when things are hard, I want to always fill up with something to take the pain away.. I crave attention, newness, and Feel like I am drowning all the time.. I go up and down and up and down every few minutes... I live My life with BPD written all over it.. It does not define me but it rules my Life and my actions are a constant reminder that this illness is not going away, yes It can improve with treatment... Yes, although obsessive some things make it better, attention from Girls or Guys, being involved in various activist activities, and watching my teams play.. But the madness is always there ready to explode at any moment.. I can never let my guard down with this....My disease is more evident to me Now than ever before.. the many years thatI had this was only an incubation period... I wish I had understood my Mother"s battle with her mental illness more as it is Me now that wants and needs to be Understood.
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Posted: 5:31 PM, 1/9/2008 by R.C |
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Article :Impulsivity(One of the most dangerous symptoms of BPD. )
(Article I found on Impulsivity... I found it Helpful as It is one of my main character flaws.. The Emotional response that leads to Lots of mistakes, addictions, and self destructive behaviors.. I thought I would post it here and maybe others can Relate as Well.)
Play hooky, disappear for the weekend, have a fling, binge-shop like
a Wall Street divorcée. Spontaneity can be a healthy defiance of
routine, an expression of starved desire, some psychologists say.
Yet for scientists who study mental illness and addiction, impulsive behavior " the tendency to act or react with little thought " has emerged as an all-purpose plague. In recent years, studies have linked impulsiveness to higher risks of smoking, drinking and drug abuse. People who attempt suicide
score highly on measures of impulsivity, as do adolescents with eating
problems. Aggression, compulsive gambling, severe personality disorders
and attention deficit problems are all associated with high
impulsiveness, a problem that affects an estimated 9 percent of
Americans, according to a nationwide mental health survey completed
last year. Now researchers have begun to resolve the contrary
nature of impulsivity, identifying the elements that distinguish benign
experimentation from self-destructive acts. The latest work, in brain
research and psychological studies, helps explain how impulsive
tendencies develop and when they can lead people astray. A potent
combination of genes and emotionally disorienting early experiences
puts people at high risk, as do some very familiar personal instincts. "What
we're seeing now," said Charles S. Carver, a psychologist at the
University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla., "is a rapid convergence of
evidence indicating that when the prefrontal cortical areas of the
brain, the brain's supervisory management system, are not functioning
well, this interferes with deliberative behavior, and the consequences
are often unpleasant." Few experts dispute that impulsiveness
pays off in some situations and, perhaps, had evolutionary benefits.
When life is short and dangerous, and resources are scarce, there is a
premium on quick response. In studies of baboons and monkeys,
researchers have found that animals that are impulsive as adolescents
often become dominant as adults, when they moderate their
confrontational urges. In humans, impulsive behavior typically
peaks in adolescence, when the prefrontal areas of the brain continue
to develop, or soon after, in the young adult years, when it is
culturally expected that people will test their limits, psychologists
have found. Yet new research suggests that a taste for danger or conflict is not enough to produce persistent, ruinous impulsivity. In
a study published online last month in The Journal of Psychiatric
Research, Janine D. Flory, a psychologist at the Mount Sinai School of
Medicine in Manhattan, led a team of investigators who studied 351
healthy adults and 70 others with impulse-related disorders like
antisocial and borderline personality disorders. The participants took
a battery of tests to measure inhibition, appetite for risk and the
inclination to plan. Analyzing the responses to questions
intended to gauge thrill seeking like, "I like to explore a strange
city or section of town by myself, even if it means getting lost," and,
"I like to try foods I've never tried before," the researchers found
that an appetite for risk was associated with smoking in both groups. But
in the healthy volunteers, the appetite was also associated with higher
education. In previous studies, healthy risk seekers scored highly for
curiosity and openness to new experiences. On measurements of
instinctive planning " "I am better at saving money than most people"
and "I hate to make decisions based on first impressions"" the
researchers found that less deliberative habits were related to heavy
drinking in the healthy group and the troubled group. In cases
with personality disorders, deficits in planning were also associated
with a history of suicide attempts. The combination of sensation
seeking and lack of deliberation characterizes millions of healthy
people but appears to be extreme in those whose impulsivity leads to
chronic trouble or mental illness, Dr. Flory said. "The way I
think of it is that one factor has to do with the urges people have,
and the other has to do with the brakes they apply," she said.
How and when people apply the brakes is crucial to distinguishing those
who can flirt with regular heroin or cocaine use while finishing an Ivy
League degree and those who die trying.
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Posted: 5:08 PM, 1/9/2008 by R.C |
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