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Today when I was going to the grocery store, I was thinking about how relieved I’ll be to just be out of this town.  There’s a sense of heaviness, an comfortableness and an anxiousness I have being here.  I don’t want to be bothered by anyone I may run into.  I don’t want to see the same people and the same places that I know will be stuck here, just as I have been for so many years.  I don’t think of myself as “better” than anyone here " it’s just not enough for me.  I don’t have anything to contribute to this town and it has nothing to benefit me anymore.  There’s no work (there hasn’t been for years), there’s no real happiness or anything that keeps me rejuvenated.  When I was alone, I just had myself and my writing and my “work” to keep me company.  Then I had to live the same boring life here because I was stuck and even though I couldn’t stand doing the same things I did for so many years, I did them.  There was nothing else to do.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve been happy here.  Yes, I have good memories of times with my friends from the near and recent past.  But no, I was not really happy.  Not until I met my mister.  It’s amazing how the window is opened and a whole new way of living is introduced.  It’s the most wonderful, most treasured gift I’ve ever been given in this life " to be with my mister.

Soon he will be with me, then soon after I will take the cat and go to be with him.  It’s so exciting to have such a goal and such things to look forward to.  I want to write in here just to gush over how great it all is.  I will have the life I am supposed to have with the man I am supposed to live my life with.  I understand now how life can be happy.  I understand why people smile and are care free.  I understand why people want to live their lives.  Love is such a miraculous and essential part of living.  I’m so eternally grateful that I found that out and that I have it to cherish.

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I didn’t want my blog to be about complaints.  I am a very happy person and I do not have any intention in being mean or hurtful to someone.  Therefore my blog has to be a place to make my soliloquies.  On one hand I want to be public in my outrage, but on the other hand I don’t want to take the time to bother with demonstrating how much my ex friend sucks.  And she does.

I have received the second of 2 failed attempts for her to get a response from me on Facebook.  Today, I figured out how to block her.  Unfortunately I cannot do the same for the random text messages I get on holidays about how much she “loves” me (without paying a $4.99 monthly fee to AT&T.)  I blocked her from my email last {looks at old blog posts} last October after telling her she was not nice to me and I couldn’t have that in my life anymore.  I never said anything else to her since then.  Yet she still continues to send me random crap like this that I explain into terms of truth over selfishly blinded, empty words:

Subject: 10 years  {rolls eyes}  Ten years since what?  Since I started going out and drinking?

I just wanted you to know that I am glad you are doing well.  You saw my comment on Facebook or someone told you what I’ve said.  Either way, no I serious doubt you are glad I’m doing well without you being around.  I’m doing extremely well and that is because I am no longer exposed to your negative, bitter, complaint ridden drivel nor your excessive use of me as a “friend” so you could have me to do errands for you every do often.

I miss our friendship and I would love if you could give it another try.  You miss me not doing crap for you.  You miss me not being around when you feel like complaining about someone or yelling at someone or gossiping about someone.  It drives you crazy that you don’t have any part of my life so you can give some kind of snide, rude and thoughtless comment about it.  H-E-double hockey stick NO!  You think that I am the bad guy and I need to know that you still “love” me and forgive me when all I want to do is keep your selfish, self-centered, abusive, manipulative and user junk out of my life.  Have someone else do errands for you like feed your dogs, get water for you at the club, make CDs and DVDs for your family, take you places when your husband won’t (and just telling me that I would do it, no asking involved) and the other 900 things you wanted me to do for you all while telling me every. single. day about how you “feel like s*&$” because you have a migraine, a sniffle, feel dizzy, knee hurts, it’s too cold, it’s too hot, etc. etc. Do you ever listen to yourself?  No apparently not and you don’t listen to anyone else either, otherwise you would have gotten the message when I told you over six months ago to leave me the heck alone.  I don’t care how much you think I need to do for you.

Our 10 year friendship deserves more than this abrupt ending.  Yes, because you are very, very important and I am treating you badly.  We had not been close friends for years.  You are full of b.s.  Step out of your little world for a minute if you have the common sense to do so (which I highly doubt you do) and think that I seriously, honestly, genuinely do not want you in my life at all.  I don’t want you to know anything about me because you would never have anything nice to say about it in person or behind my back.  I know how you treat everyone else " you bad mouthed them to me 1 zillion times and spent your days at work gossiping about people you didn’t even know. 

I would settle for just being facebook friends.  Hhmm, let’s see.  I’ve had this account for over a year and I added everyone I wanted to stay in contact with in one swoop, I’ve ignored your friend request when you saw me comment on someone else’s post and now you want to send me a message about how important 10 whole years of knowing someone because you use to work with my friends from high school so we can be Facebook friends so we can stay in touch and you can know all about my life. Yeah, sound good?  NO!  And use a capital letter once in a while, would ya?  You’re a teacher for crying out loud!

: o )  Are you 12?  What’s up with the cutesy round nosed smiley?  FAIL.

I am never on this much anyways.  That’s because you “can’t stand computers” and you don’t know how to use them and sit and scream at your husband to fix it every time you try to boot it up.  Good.  Stay off the stupid site and stop stalking me.  You suck!

Hence my action to “block” her from being able to see my information which I should have done to begin with.  I had anxiety about her trying to contact me, I still worry about having her fake self try calling me or seeing me out somewhere and trying to talk to me.  I guess she really thinks that I need her or something.  Poor girl.  I really do feel bad for her because she is going to live her whole life like this unless she gets a serious clue and starts going to a church that teaches her something useful other than routine.

Granted I was an angry, depressed, emotional wreck for years.  But that’s the thing.  I have the blessings of my mister and all that life I have received just by putting myself in check.  I love him and I understand what love really is.  I have happiness because I’m not angry and bitter and nasty to people (or I at least have the understanding that I can’t be that way and be happy.)  I scraped all that old junk off and really let go and let myself understand that God wants so much more for my life than the piddley crap that I use to think was important.  Once you become aware and once you grasp happiness and peace and love you will make sure you never, ever let it go.  I absolutely refuse to let anyone or anything worm in my way and try to infest my life in a poisonous way like that again.  Thank God for the ability to have a wonderful, happy life with a nice, amazing, caring and sweet person to share it with.

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Before bed time comes, I will update the blog so I won’t have to feel like I’m putting it off yet again.  Granted each day I feel like I should be giving up on this entirely because it can be construed as simply a space to complain.  Sort of an unproductive space rather than one that produces benefits.  But still, I think it does do me well to have this boxed in slate to type down some words that I don’t want to necessarily keep to myself and yet not necessarily let a bunch of people to see.  It’s just something to keep up " a project with limitations and expanses.

So what I wanted to comment on mainly today was how my life is so nice these days.  I am so excited for the future and each day I just concentrate on how nice it will be when the life I know that is waiting for me will come to fruition.  I’m being patient but I do wish I could pick up and leave right now.  I’ll see my mister before long and that is all that matters.  I miss him so much.

And because it’s Easter and a time to celebrate happy times, my ex friend decided to send, yet another, “I love you and miss you text” that made me disgusted.  Now, while it may seem that I’m being rude, I know it’s a ploy so I don’t respond.  Words without meaning are easy to see right through.  Actions, knowing and intuition are truth.  I know she has no real interest in being a real friend to me " it’s merely to show her family and friends who know I’ve not spoken to her to think that I am the “bad” guy.  I told her she treats people badly and I didn’t want her negativity, anger and criticism in my life anymore.  You would think she would have gotten the point by now.

Anyway, so that’s one thing I won’t miss around here.  That and the random knocking on my door by drunken strangers in the middle of the night.  The pit bulls without a lease.  The problems this nation is going through.  There’s so much that I can do without around here.

Six or so more months…

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I’ve been sick for days and this is the first normal, productive act I’ve done since last week.  I had food poisoning, or the flu, or something equally as retched and now I’m almost 100%.  Still just tired all the time and that started early last week.  I should have known it was coming on.  I didn’t want to go to the gym, didn’t want to do any work, etc.  Now I know why.  I had to skip teaching one day because of how bad I felt.  It was for the best – no way I could have made it.  The driving alone would have been difficult.

While I was cooped up here alone doing nothing, I felt even more alone in this place.  I mean, seriously, it’s not natural to have no place to go and no one to talk to each day.  I mean, yes, I talk to my mister, but having him in the same home is completely different.  There’s a comfortable feeling that there’s actual living going on.  I don’t feel like a ghost or stuck in some day dream when I’m with him.  This is why my move is such a blessing – this is not the place I need to be.  I’ve known that for some time. 

So while I am waiting to recover, I’ll post this little update just to say I did.  I keep thinking I’ll keep updating twice a week but I just don’t.

I haven’t written, haven’t read, haven’t done anything but get a jumpstart on my diet.  I can’t eat much so that’s helped me shave a few pounds off.  So if I can keep up the lack of overeating (and I know I’m doing that out of boredom too) then I can get back to a ballpark weight that I’m more content with.  I ordered CDs:  Kasabian “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”, The XX “The XX”, and The White Stripes “Under Great White Northern Lights”.  I’ve watched a lot of television (there’s nothing on in the daytime;  if you ever want to know what you’re missing while you’re at work, don’t worry anymore.  There’s nothing interesting going on while your home except chat shows.)

Before I got sick I’d finally started writing (for myself only) a bunch of things I wanted to get off my chest about my former friend.  It helped a lot because I know nothing I have said will stay on my mind.  Once it’s out and expressed, even just for my own peace of mind, then it doesn’t have any bearing over me.  I was also getting myself ready for mister to be here and for me to be moved out.  I have a little over six months before I go and I am a pack rat so there’s a bunch of stuff I have to either donate or throw out.  I still think I should just have the moving van take my things to my parents’ house up north and keep my things I may want to take back slowly but surely (books, notebooks, etc.) in storage in town.  Again, it’s a big, wonderful project and I’m so thankful to have it.  I can keep my sanity knowing I’m getting out of this static state.

It’s raining quite hard out right now and I’ll lounge about on the couch some more as I’ve been doing all weekend.  The air this week has been so fresh and nice.  Spring is surely here. 

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In my classes, I’ve been talking about how when an author uses a clear blue sky, it’s supposed to represent clarity of conscious, being open minded, accepting God’s grace, hope, new life and opportunity.  It won’t be long until my mister is here with me for a bit.  Then as soon as I can get myself sorted and moved, I’m out of here.  It’s not a place you want to make your life permanent;  not that I can see.  It’s a visiting place or a stopping point.  It’s been fine and I like it but there’s so much more out there (and absolutely nothing here to keep someone interesting in keeping up residence).  So each day I’m itching more and more to get out.  I’m bored beyond belief most evenings and it’s to the point I get so listless and feel defeated.  I spent hours in bed the other day, just to get Monday going so I could work and have something to do.  I definitely need to move.

So, until then, I’m trying to get this cat passport stuff organized but the vet’s have already given me a couple of hindrances.  First of all, they didn’t tell me to not feed the cat after midnight before he got his blood test done.  Now I have to go through that whole painful event of getting him into the cage and to the vet’s.  It’s traumatic on both of us (plus my pocket book.)  Then I’ve sent in forms that I got online that is for the EU Pet Passport and the blood test and the vet’s verification, etc.  Some of those things ask for the cat’s microchip number and the vet’s signature.  I forwarded those to the office in email, thanked them profusely for their help and bother they have to go through.  But last night I got an email with, “no, don’t send us these, just bring what you need in.”  Um…did you even look at the forms where it says “must be typed and printed by the vet”?  I’m not putting my whole trust in this office crew that they will do what I know needs to be done.  All I can do is my part;  research what papers need to be in order and stay on top of the vet’s to make sure it’s done properly.  I’m not trying to be overzealous or pushy but this is my life and my money I’m spending to undertake this whole thing.  Having a cat sitting in quarantine at an airport 4 hours away from home is not something that I want.

Ah, home.  Isn’t it a nice word?

I’m glad that it will be a place where I can work full time for more than the compensation for Unemployment (and that’s for a Master’s Degree to teach at a state college, by the way).  I’m glad that it will be somewhere I can spend my days and nights with my mister instead of trying to keep my brains occupied with reruns on television.  I’m glad that I can be away from this place I have no attachment to anymore.

Anyway, aside from the pet rigmarole I ordered a couple of books on journaling (I’ve not been reading as much as I could be but the daily hard cover journal I’m at least keeping up with in small paragraphs most days.)  I now have Time to Write to Yourself and The Many Faces of Journaling.  I know the descriptions make it seem as if it’s a self healing process that needs to be learned.  I’m just interested in getting ideas and seeing what other people write in their journals.  I’ve always been interested in novels that are written that way and that type of narration in movies and television.  Since I’m interested in it now and want to read about it, I may as well encourage the habit.

As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I've assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.

So I’ve been writing more in my journals at home.  I’ve been reading about journaling and I’ve found that if I just sit and give myself time to write there’s plenty to say.  This week I’ve been kind of downcast as I could say.  It started with getting ready to go to a baby shower;  seeing old friends and knowing I had to be happy for the mother to be.  And I am but it made me feel a bit more lonely.  Me and my mister still live apart and while I know I’ll be with him soon, it’s still hard to be here day after day alone.  I’m bored of the television. I’m bored of Sims 3.  I was incredibly tired for my last class and I kept forgetting what I was trying to say to them.  I was grumpy and agitated with myself.  But I know I’ll get over it;  that’s the beauty of being past all the depression and knowing that being in a funk and worn down doesn’t mean you’ll be caught in a web of despair.  It is this time of transition that is hard some days.  I know where I’m going but I’m not there yet.  If I didn’t have to wait on the cat I’d be ready to take off in a few months.  I just want this nice, clean start and right now I’m in this empty flat all by myself.  I do the washing up, I read my books, I write, I do my homework, I grade papers, I get ready for class, I nap a lot but none of it is the same as having someone at home who cares about you.  I’m ready for that.  The only excitement I have is knowing my life will be with him – the rest of this is the equivalent of a tacky magazine that I can read while sitting in a waiting room.  The key is to just wait well and my time to get to where I’m going will come.

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I’m reading The New Diary which was written in 1978 and was revised in 2004.  Although I don’t have that revised copy, I’ve searched through it via Amazon, and I see nothing in the index about blogs or online journals.  That’s a whole section that could be included in the “Sharing” section.  For me, my blog is the type of stuff I can have read at a semi protected level.  Only my mister reads this, as far as who in my real life knows about it.  Well, people from years ago at the club knew about it but either said something derogatory (isn’t that what their job at that club was anyway?) or never read it at all (they were too busy with their own wailings in their own blogs.)

But that’s no matter, now I have a nice clean place to write things that I’d like to have seen, but only for a second.  Like I’m letting someone peer into my notebook.  And I do use a notebook for my journals.  (There’s a section in the book about what kind of journal to keep;  typed, notebook, locked book, etc.)  I gave up on those big, pretty leather bound things.  I mean, I should keep something like that for the important things in my life, but I can’t stand how you can’t just fold them over and write on the back.  Notebooks are so much easier and less fussy.  I won’t say they’re cheaper as a nice notebook with a hard cover is $4 and a leather journal is $7.  Not much of a difference.  Plus the notebook has bigger pages, nice wide ruled lines (if you can find them;  why everyone wants tiny collegiate is beyond me;  who writes that small?) 

I use to stand for hours, looking at all the journals and notebooks at the office supply store.  I gave up doing that too.  I’m not going to force myself to be fancy when the important part is to just write.  Plus, I have the electronic journal that I keep on my computer that I use for my book idea (finally started putting ideas down in logical, organized format today – I got stirred up and found something that needed to be put down.)  Now, I write when it needs to be done.  I’m not obsessed with just myself (or at least I’m trying to learn not to be so self-absorbed; my life is not my own anymore, thankfully.)  So writing isn’t an every day, crying out to be heard by someone sort of act.  Even Lesley Arfin said something about how a happy kid doesn’t keep a diary.  It’s true.  Unless we have something inside that needs to be expressed in any way other than normal dialogue, then it gets written.  Otherwise, our life goes on as it should – the external overshadows the internal.

But I understand the need for a journal, so the grandkids and whomever else may want to know what I thought of and what I wrote about back in the day.  If they look at this blog, they’ll see a ton of change too, which is my main point.  I like chronically my life;  I always have.  But I did from an emotional standpoint.  Now it’s a more productive, event type log of my life.  Maybe I do need a nice leather bound book for something like that.  {shrug}

I’m already looking forward to the move.  Ah, January is over and only a handful of months left until I’m where I need to be.  I function here.  I have moments of contentment.  But I feel that I’m somewhere else each day.  My heart is there with my mister so the rest of me sits around here like a ghost.  I spend my time the best as I can (except for today that was supposed to be about getting ready to teach tomorrow.)  He’ll visit me here in the summer and see my life here.  (Then he’ll really know why I need to get out.)  I have to wait a bit to get the cat all sorted with his paperwork so he can have his pet passport.  Then we’ll be out and I’ll be onto my life there.  It’s so exciting.  I think about (and read about) how I was and how my life was a few years ago and now, here I am; a wonderful reward has been bestowed upon me.  I’m eternally grateful.

Now I have to go buy a big leather journal tonight. 

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I’ve finished the second week of teaching and the first week my student classes has started.  The student classes seem fun for a change and the teacher classes are going well as far as I can tell.  However, I’ve noticed something that I’m going through quite obviously that I’m working through.  I’m defeating my fears one step at a time.  Well, I should say more that I’m learning to get past the fear easier.  I’ve always been afraid of new things or things which took me out of my same-ol-same-ol routine.  And before I just knew I didn’t have to go what I was afraid of.  I could avoid the situation all together.  But now I see how the fear is holding me back from doing what I need to do and I get past it each time and now the fear is more intense.

Before, fear was just an annoyance or an uncomfortable feeling.  Something that made me anxious or worried.  Now, when I have to do something that is causes fear, I completely choke. I get the thought in my head, “I can’t do this.  I won’t do it.  I just can’t.”  But I do it anyway.  I know I’ll do it.  I know I have to.  But before I get to the action and go through it all (miraculously), I completely panic beforehand.  Now, the plane, that was one thing.  That was fear of death.  This time it was something as simple as an evaluation at work.  But I’d had them before and remembered all the pain I went through caused by other people and I was afraid that I would be subjected to such torment again.  Actually, the fear isn’t in how people will see me, as I once thought.  It was a fear that I would fail myself.  That I wouldn’t be able to do something or be able to handle the situation. 

Yet it’s still very visceral.  I know it will all be fine, but the newness, the change, the knowing that I have to do this and it’s different;  that’s what causes the fear.  It’s like a caveman first seeing a space ship.  That newness and that unfamiliarity is petrifying.  So that’s what I’ve been working with myself to change.  The battle between me and my fears is timed just right as I go into my new, wonderful chapter of life with my mister.  I’m not afraid to be with him so everything else is minor.  But it all leads to where I’m going to be and nothing will stop me from getting there.  I think that’s why the little steps along the way make me scared.  I know the end result will be wonderful.

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This entry is a bit overdue, I realize.  I had a busy week, which is a good thing, but I need to make sure I’m stopping to write.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write each day and this blog needs periodic attention.  Usually I have plenty to say about anything that happens in my daily life.  I can write about writing if all else fails. 

But this week I went back to teaching so I’ll have a bit more to inspire me to write and, honestly, something to deter me from doing so.  I only have two classes and already I can see how easy it is to get very involved and take up days working on one lesson.  I’m glad for it though.  I’ve had so many times that I didn’t do well in my classes but now I’m even more determined to do my best.  I think I’ve done well so far.  The first day I got nervous and my voice shook (which is worse when you are visibly nervous and you are trying to hard to put on that essential cool, confident demeanor.)  But the second day I was myself and got through it fine (fine as in pretty good.)  I think it just takes me a little more time to get things;  or at least it did in the past.  Now I’m more willing to devote myself to something I know I should be doing.  Right now I need to be doing this, so I will work my best at teaching reading and writing.

I’m excited however, that this term proves the finale to my time here and then I’ll be moving on.  Winter is a perfect time to get prepared for a break in a 19 year old rut (that’s how long I’ve lived here " not in this apartment, but in this town.)  I look around here and think about how I can leave it behind without any hesitation.  Again, I know what I should be doing and where I need to go. 

Until then, I have to do the same old routine of taking care of just myself, but the work helps.  I’ll be taking my new classes (as a student) again next week, so that will give me plenty of things to occupy my time. 

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It’s almost Monday and the beginning of the work week.  Now that we’ve all had our vacations it is time to get back to our routines.  Even myself.  I have to get back to my 300 words at least twice a week.  This is the best time to get back into that mode as well.

I’ve been writing more.  Not so much in blog form, but with Chrysanth NETime Diary and my regular notebook.  That was one of my resolutions, or accomplishments, or whatever you want to call the list I made of what I want to have happen in 2010.  I keep getting together ideas for what book I’m going to write and I need it in type form.  (Even if I am using Calibri, 11 point font.) 

I also have a job now.  And while it’s not a prestigious job, it is one nonetheless.  I have somewhere to go, something to focus on and some way to use my skills.  I’m teaching again at another junior college.  I’m excited about it because I do enjoy the subjects that I need to know about to teach at the college level.  And I know I can do well at this job, so I’m making sure I do my best; even though I know it’s just for a term.

Yes, this is the new year and this is when my life will take its new turn into the right direction.  I’m excited that it won’t be long until I’ve moved and living where I need to be.  Years ago all of this would have seemed like such a big step and an absurd idea.  But it’s really not.  It’s so natural and easy for me to live somewhere else and be with who I want to be with (my Mister).  There’s nothing that makes it feel anything less than normal and good.

Wow, I don’t really say much in 300 words, do I?

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As is the way when you write, that you’re supposed to work as you’re inspired and work continually.  I, therefore, have to write something today because I haven’t put anything down on paper, even in my notebook journal, today.  I wanted to write this blog post a few days ago anyway, so this will be another sporadically added entry.  But no matter.  As long as I keep this blog up a bit, I will be content.

I chose the picture and the title because I overcame my fear of flying.  Well, for the most part I think.  On my way to see my mister I had my first all out panic attack.  Now, I’ve been scared and upset before but not to the extreme that I had at the airport.  But thanks to him, I was able to calm down and remember that my life isn’t all about me anymore, and that’s good.  I have someone else to care for and who needs me, so sitting there being afraid of nothing was keeping my focus on me.  And it’s so easy to sit here for months and worry about something.  So when the time came to face the fear me and my lessons from Flying'>http://www.flyingwithoutfear.com/">Flying without Fear I got through it.  I highly recommend this to anyone who is worried about flying;  it puts everything into perspective by a retired British Airways captain.

What the trip proved to me is that I am ready to take the steps necessary to secure my future.  Being afraid is just something devilish that deters you from your goal.  It keeps you from being logical, brave, strong, determined, etc.  I’m so glad I know what awaits me and how happy it makes me.  Everything I’m aiming for is right for me, so the settled feeling in my soul is wonderful.

With that said, I’ve been realizing a lot about how great it is that I’m moving out of my past and old ways.  My ex-friend is still texting me and trying to contact me.  I certainly would not try to keep contacting someone whom I wasn’t that close to in the past 3 years, whom I hadn’t verbally spoken to in almost one year, and whom told me I was an angry, shouty, selfish person.  But, hey, that’s just me.  I would take the criticism and ignore them.  I had that happen before and it ended up that we’re friends again now, though I make sure to keep my distance with her.  But that lead me to think about how all of my past friends were the type who were angry, critical and “self righteous” as one of my old friends put it.  And once I was friends with them, I started to see how they liked to use me to make themselves feel better.  It was usually verbal or being asked for “favors” over and over and used, basically.  Used emotionally for the most part.  And, yes, I offered up friendship and got to know them well but I never asked anything of them except friendship.  When I saw that the friendship they offered wasn’t good for me, it was quite hard on them.  I never felt a lasting closeness to them.  It was like all the time I knew something wasn’t right.

But then once I started working, I met girls who were genuinely nice and who had their own life and didn’t need me to be their friend.  They didn’t ask me for anything continuously or try to critique me just so they could feel superior.  After I finally snapped out of my depression and started getting my life on track, I didn’t realize how much time I wasted on the wrong people.  Now I have the right people in my life and it’s just so, so much better. 

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Today is my second post of the week, as proposed last post.  I’ve just gone “jogging” today, after having a couple days off.  I really jog for maybe less than ten minutes out of the whole thirty that I’m out there, but I’m training.  I’m not a solid runner yet.  I’ve done this off and on since Summer, so I’m not really a pro.  Yet. 

I had a good Thanksgiving yesterday;  I ate once, then twice with the leftovers and now I’m back to the diet.  I’ve changed that up a bit too and now I’m not eating the bread, eating more veggies, and I feel lighter.  Of course, I’m still the same weight so, that whole I’m not going to worry about what the scale said bit will come in handy.  It doesn’t move.

It turns out that I don’t have ulcers, and just the gastro disease that means I have to take the medicine each day.  That’s good, especially since, as my Mister pointed out, it means I’m not trying to one up my dreaded ulcer.  My body will flair up if it feels like it and it’s not from anything I am or am not doing. (Aside from making sure I diet and exercise, as I have been.)

I have one week until I’m back with him too.  I’m so excited!  I have to clean this place up and finish up my classes but I’ll get it done.  I have to pack too.  I know what I’m taking but the washing and the stuffing into my suitcase is another event for the week.  At least I have his presents packed up and ready to go.  I just have to wrap when I get there.  That’s okay though.  Shopping for wrapping paper will be fun. 

It’s so wonderful how my life has changed so much.  I was thinking about how people find someone to be with, get married, have kids, stay around Florida, have the normal life.  But for me it’s different.  I was destined to go on the adventure across the pond to live.  I keep thinking about all the things that await me there.  Even the simple option of having a job and a job I love is there, among all the other great things that come with being with my Mister.  It’s a whole new life.  How many people get to say they can totally get up and get a new, better life after 30 years of monotonous nothing.  I was training then too, just like I am with my running.  I’ll keep going on the track and get better and better at running on it.

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In my last post I forgot to mention how I realized that work is a lot like school.  This doesn’t seem like much of an analogy, but when I was in school I wanted to spend my time daydreaming, writing, anything else that I wanted to do.  I never could get into the mindset of just doing what I was supposed to be doing, just because someone said I should.  Granted, I’ve grown up now and I understand to be thankful for my employment and keep myself enjoying where I am.  But wanting to shut out the situation and delve in my little dream world of writing and books and stories and my journal (now my blog;  hence the Twittering from my phone during the day), that’s still something I consider.  So, it occurred to me, on Friday, that it was just how I felt in school.  I didn’t want to learn math, I didn’t want to talk to people there, I just wanted to be in my own little dream world.  I’m glad I have come out of that shell in many ways, but still, the world of what’s important to me is the best place.  At least there’s stuff going on there rather than just the sounds of a Xerox machine going and an occasional phone ringing in the distance.  Yeah, it’s that quiet in there.  Thank God for iTunes.

Sitting here with my coffee on Wednesday, listening to church on television.  This always helps me get motivated for the morning.  The whole message is about not complaining about your situation because you’re lucky to have what you have.  I understand.  I want to complain about worrying about how boring work could be if I don’t have anymore work to do today.  Sitting there for 8 and 1/2 hours without anything to do is torture.  Yes, there are podcasts, but trying to keep a positive attitude that I have work is the only way to get through it.  It’s funny;  I went through so much stress as a teacher, now I have no stress at all.  No stress must make me nuts;  that’s no kind of way to be.

I really am wondering if working is just not for me.  I mean, to be out of the house so much.  I just like being at home.  I can busy myself with so many things around.  I understand the need for money but, yeah, I’d rather do what I want to do.  That was always the case with me.  Too bad I gave up on being a full time writer.  I could stay home for that and have a job I liked.  Anyway, no complaining.  I’ll think up stories while I’m at work today.

It’s Sunday but I have tomorrow off as well.  It took me all of Saturday to get rested.  I was in no mental state for blog writing.  There was no interest in anything; shopping, video games, television, library classes, blogging…none of it.  Now the morning is quite quiet and I’m finishing up my coconut coffee;  have to go back to Target and get more of this stuff. 

I’m disappointed in my weight loss project.  Since I started working I’ve not exercised as much as usual.  After I talk to my mister in the evenings, it’s already after 7PM.  A lot of times there have been neighborhood muscle men in the gym, hogging up the whole place with their routines.  If I wait a little longer, I can get in there to do what I want, but it’s a creepy feeling to be alone in an apartment lobby after dark.  So since I’ve not been as active as I was when I wasn’t working and had the day to get myself exercised and eat very little meals all day, I’ve not lost an ounce.  I’ve followed my Weight Watchers plan as usual but still, I’ve not budged.  Very annoying and extremely disappointing.  At least the work is only temporary so if there’s any positives about being unemployed, it’s that I can get control of my weight easier. 

Work picked up this week too though, which I was grateful for.  On Friday I was running the show for a bit, then had to help someone with something all day.  As long as I have things to do, keep myself busy and the day goes by at a quick pace, I’m fine.  But without having some kind of work to be done, I feel like I’ll go mad with boredom.  I thought about, the other day, how it was all in my attitude;  I was stressed to the max as a teacher and now I have no stress.  I need to be grateful for that and just get on with it.  It’s just when forced to sit and do nothing comes along, when I can’t read or write or sleep or play online, that’s when I go crazy.  It’s a panicky feeling I get when I walk into work, knowing I’ll be bored all day.  Again, it was the same feeling I had as a high school girl.  Hated just having to sit there, not doing the things I wanted to do.  That’s why I always wanted to go to the library so I’d have privacy to read and write and be left alone.  I don’t mind being out of the house and having a schedule.  I just want to spend my days doing what I want to do with my life.  Sure, that sounds immature maybe, but I’ve just not found the job that I love.  I really like the job I have now, I honestly do.  But on the days when there’s nothing to do, I want to run from the building screaming.  I even fantasize about driving away, just because I can. 

I have an update on my lovely new, used Blackberry Curve as well.  So I bought new housing for it, again, so now it’s a nice, pearly pink.  However, the keyboard that came with it had the keys in the wrong place, so like V and W were switched, A and Q as well.  Plus, the backing to the silly thing wasn’t even functional.  Nothing to connect to the battery to make it connect to the phone’s motherboard.  What a dodgy thing!  So I complained to the seller, and, luckily, had parts to replace the bad parts with.  Now it seems to be fine, so hopefully I won’t be fighting with it anymore.  I want an iPhone though.  I’ve started dreaming about one and all its apps.  While I’m working, I need to get one, that’s all there is to it.

I also have to start laptop shopping.  I’ll need one by December.

But with all of that said, I’ve finally ordered my iPhone 3GS so I’m happy.  I got it straight from the Apple store.  Nothing dodgy from Ebay.  It will take a few days to get here and then I’m ready to play.  I’m so excited.  I’ll have to sell old, new Curve though.  Meh, at least with all the extra housing I have for it, it should get some of what I paid for it. 

Is it right to love gadgets this much?

Now it’s late on Saturday night and it’s time to post this entry.  I’ve not gone to the gym, though I though I would tonight.  A nap ended up being more desirable.  Oh well, there’s always the whole rest of the week to go down there for 40 minutes and gain a few extra food points for the week.  Weight Watchers really is a handy plan.  Oh and, duh.  I did lose a pound this week.  Hooray!

The money’s been taken out for my iPhone, so it will be here this week.  The housing that was all messed up from my Curve was offered to be returned for a refund.  I’ll take the seller up on that.  Then I can sell the actual phone out, after I get my iPhone.  I’ve had nothing but problems with that Curve (not the actual functioning of it;  just my tinkering with it never worked out) so I’ll be glad to take some money for it and send it elsewhere.

I’m glad to have another day to hang about the place and relax.  Tomorrow I’ll go to Wal-Mart with Mom, then come home, go to the gym, then check my library classes for what assignments I need to do.  I had planned on trying to get my teacher classes done, but I’m going to drop those too.  The library classes are just way too much, now that I see the syllabi and the weekly assignments.  Plus, there’s no sense in taking them now when I know I’m not going to live in Florida for more than a year;  no point in getting a teaching certificate for a place you won’t be staying in, right?  So that will be some money back in my account.  I’ll only have an income for a few more weeks anyway.

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There’s something to having a blog that doesn’t have your name directly linked.  It’s not that I talk about anything I wouldn’t talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom.  There’s a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog that’s just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, “Hey, I read your post last night.”  Not that it really matters, but still.  Privacy is always the better option.  Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option.  Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about. 

It’s weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning.  I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time.  It’s better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap.  I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check.  If I think it’s awful, it will be.  If I don’t, it won’t. 

Tuesday means not Monday.  I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good.  Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM.  So I have a little over a month of work, so that’s some money coming.  Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account.  I’ve decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards.  Now, the consolidation loan, I just can’t pay.  I’d have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows.  But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track.  One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramsey’s book, so I ordered that.  I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well.  At least I know that there’s hope, I’m not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am. 

And now it’s Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating.  I didn’t write much during the week, unfortunately.  I’m still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310.  I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped.  Plus the screen was dusty inside.  It just needed a bit of an overhaul.  I’m not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesn’t like to go left as easily as it should.  I’ve also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out.  Now I’ve ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match.  Here’s hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end.  At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it.  I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content.  It was mainly the ease of texting.  The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy.  At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)

Aside from that, work has been okay.  It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back.  I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone.  If I get to sleep too early, I’m tired the next day.  If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling.  Only with seven hours sleep can I function well.  It’s easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.  I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there.  I try to not count down the hours that I’ve worked or still have to work.  The clock never moves fast enough if I do.  I try to just keep my mind of the work and what I’m listening to and let time take care of itself.  Some days it’s hard though.

So that’s about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life.  I’m still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so.  I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight.  You’re miserable and loathe yourself when you’re too big.  Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, it’s like another misery.  Never being small enough and having to keep working until you’re satisfied.  Now, when you’re content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being.  So it’s not too big, but it’s not as small as I could be.  And when I’m okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then I’ve won any battle that has to do with food.  I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just can’t have it anymore.  Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didn’t care.  Now I can’t do that anymore and I’m smaller.  My clothes fit better.  I’m happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance. 

I still think I should write my book on lessons I’ve learned for myself.  Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus.  Hhmm…

Anyway, I’m trying to think of what else to talk about in here.  I’ve not gone to the gym as much because of work.  That concerns me a bit because it also means I’m not reading as much either.  (At least I have the podcasts though.)  I won’t spend this weekend doing much.  I’m still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (there’s never anything good on, I have to admit).  I’ve been in the mood for Fall now that it’s around the corner.  I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham.  I like those memories, but I like that I’ll have new ones in the future.  I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things.  The past doesn’t matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature.  I’m glad of that.

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I’m going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so.  Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend.  I’ve had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes.  Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait…  But I’ve been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again.  Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends. 

I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.)  It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon.  People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year.  So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice.  Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again.  Have some motivation from day to day.  Yeah, it’s like going to school.  Like the first week of school when it’s familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something you’re use to.

It’s Friday now and I’ve had a good first few days back to work.  I couldn’t start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far.  But the rest of the weeks, I’ll have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime.  Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, I’m not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will. 

Now on Saturday, I will post this entry.  It’s nothing much, but it’s better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action.  I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such.  (No, I don’t have the Blackberry account set up;  just the basics.)  Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something.  And everyone loves Twitter.  Ha ha.  I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else.  I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting.  Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me.  The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.

Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated.  Granted, there’s not much to say about work.  I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases.  Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down.  Well, I mean it’s starting up in a new direction, but it’s not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go.  People are already going, my Dad included, so it’s already beginning;  that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.

The only other mention I have is with friends again.  One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts.  And I just can’t let that go any further.  I can’t go visit, I can’t really participate in keeping a lot of communication up.  It’s just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything.  This is the same with my recent break off of friendships.  I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her.  But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore.  She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life.  And I’m not the type to confront anyone if they’ve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go.  I’ve thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode.  Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that I’m doing the best thing for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty.  None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, it’s just that I’m a different person and the connection of common ground isn’t there anymore.  I don’t want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble.  I’m a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people.  What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back.  I have clear goals in mind.  No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didn’t put up a fuss.  Now I just don’t want to say anything to them anymore.  Past things don’t have much impact on me anymore.

Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night.  I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio.  I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but it’s funny how voices get removed from our memory.  We have to hear them again to remember.  I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago.  Who knows where that stuff is.  It could still be in that house;  the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in.  I miss Ohio a bit for things like that.  I won’t mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction. 

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This morning I was flipping through channels and I saw a Q&A topic up on the screen from the (stupid) Mike and Juliet show. It was for a guest (whose name is still unavailable online or in the show's information) finance adviser. These people amaze me. I mean, aside from the obvious "you don't understand my situation" aspect of "you have a job, and a nice paying job that requires you to be on television and I have none", they don't really have any good advice.
The question today was, "I am $10,000 in debt with credit cards and I've lost my job, what do I do?" Well, that was me. That was me for over a year. The financial adviser said, "Call the creditors and tell them your situation. They'll understand. They want you to be able to pay them off. They don't want you to go into debt. They'll give you a temporary grace period to help you through this."
{snicker} Yeah, right!
When I lost my job, even before I stopped getting paychecks, I called every creditor I had and told them I was unemployed. They all told me, "You still have to pay." At least Discover offered that insurance bit for if you lose your job, and I tried to enroll in that but they said it was extra money added to my monthly bill and, yeah, I still had to pay because I had to have the insurance for so long of a time before it could go into effect. On top of that they said I'd have to get a written note from my employer about being fired, like an adult version of "please excuse my daughter from gym class" note. Ridiculous.
Even the Juliet chick on the show said, "But then why are they so mean to us (the creditors) when we call them." The "financial adviser" said, "Because you didn't tell them you were unemployed." {snort} I still have creditors calling me saying, "this is a desperate situation and you need to redeem this immediately!" to which I reply with, "I have told your company numerous times for the past year that I am unemployed. I have no money. When I have money, I will pay you." This, apparently, does not matter. I even have "official" sounding calls like, "we're from a law office" (I looked up their number by the way on Google, and they're a creditor, same as the others, and it's no law office.)
I've commented before on the stupidity of some of these financial advisers. The one that killed me was some dark haired girl on a news show, telling this guy who was a full time public school teacher to "get a second job." As if this girl had any idea how much of your life is sucked out through just teaching. The poor guy was single, had bought a house and just wanted to know if he should use his retirement to pay off his credit card debt. No, he shouldn't, which I could have told him, because he'll need that and the credit crunch is temporary. But to just say, "get a second job" like it was nothing was ridiculous in itself because, Hello there aren't jobs to be had out there!
Where do they find these people anyway?
The moral of my entry today is to do what you think is right and don't listen to anyone's advice (this goes for finances as well as anything in your life.) No one knows more about your life and your circumstances that you. I hadn't worked for over a year, and I had 10 or more calls a day about my credit cards and they aren't even that large in comparison to what other people have to deal with. Even when I investigated debt consolidation, is said that paying what I could would still keep my debt as "bad" and not clear anything up. I've had no new credit cards, no new purchases, nothing except paying for food, gas, bills, rent, insurance, etc. I cannot imagine what families for four are doing with a mortgage and expenses for kids to go along with that. Sheesh.
So I wonder now that the whole world knows none of us can pay for anything anymore. Not the credit cards we used to buy furniture and moving expenses, not our school loans, not our car loans, nothing. I wonder if we're going to all get some bail out option. That is, dear creditors, when we have the ability to take up these options and pay. There is no sense in being adamant about offering us write off payments when, Hello, we have no money!
I don't know what that lady was thinking this morning when she said, "Oh just tell them you lost your job and they'll help you through it." If that's true, I want that lady to call my credit card companies and my loan companies and tell them that this is what they should do." Maybe that will stop them from calling me all day and hanging up or "insisting" that I "call immediately" because my "situation is very important." If it's that important, then why didn't they offer me to work as a debt collector at their office to pay it off. Sheesh.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=98

11/6/2008
07:16

So typing in a journal. I forgot I had that capability. I've just not written much of anything lately for and about myself. I kept thinking to, kept thinking I should start a new blog, get onto a new project but, alas, I have too many reasons to not. Old things tie you. You become so attached for so many reasons that it's easier to go along with what was then ditch it all for something new. Maybe I can have duel diaries; one for random, "this is what's going on" as D.D. is, and one for "this is really what's going on." I'd like that. I'd like it to be without hype and without promotion too. Just sitting there, waiting to be read by the random passer by.

But anyway, so what's going on? Okay, I'll write it down. I'll list it even since that's making things easier for me these days. I have to first mention that I'm quite down today too. I have this nagging feeling about the election; what the world wants generally isn't a good thing, as most people can agree. So it's scaring me to death at what's to come (though I know I shouldn't be.) And since I'm so in the minority on this, I won't say anything else about it. I just hope it really is the right thing.

So back to the list:

Librarian School still hasn't given me a thumbs up or down and I'd really like to know if I'm in because otherwise I need to send transcripts to other schools (not that I have the money for that anyway. It seems like my stakes have to be set in this school I'm awaiting a word on anyway.)
I have been offered a temporary full time job at the Cape. This means I have to give up teaching in the afternoons and try to manage just teaching at night at least until Christmas. Today I have to meet with the professor who is taking over for me then meet with the class and get them ready for the exam next week. Plus, I have papers to grade and turn back so I have to make sure everything is accounted for before I turn them over to someone else. I like the students there, I do, but teaching in the afternoons has been a bit of a pain. I leave in heavy 5 o'clock Orlando traffic and I'm starving and ready to go home, just to have the empty apartment waiting for me. But I digress...
So, the new job requires security. I've gone through all the security clearance hoopla (even having to report the statistics of my ex and not B.B. which I found odd) and about my traffic violations (I can't remember that stuff!) and the drug test (they tricked me and gave me a breathilizer too; good thing I didn't have a beer the night before!) That should be cleared, if they get ahold of everyone who I listed as friends, neighbors and co-workers, and they don't find any discrepancies in my file, in six to ten days. Next week, I'm hoping, will begin regular work.

11/10/2008
10:35

It's not even 11 in the morning and I'm already hungry and making pasta for lunch. Oh well.
I'm also forcing myself to grade papers and get things in order. I really should tally grades up too but, alas, I just want to be done with the class I'm dropping and go back to fiddling around with fun work for the class I'm keeping. I met with the new teacher last week, the one who is taking over for me in for the afternoon class. I am so grateful for him to take this class over and I'm glad the students are optimistic about him teaching them. I can't help but think how teachers are so stuck in their own ways and I'm wondering how this transition will go on Thursday. I keep thinking too, how the new teacher sort of gave me 20 questions about how and what I did things, even giving me the typical, "Well did you try this with them?" What was most "interesting" about the new teacher's suggestions is that I've taught for a longer time and {cough cough} have more experience under my belt. But, we all know how people love to be; oh, let me give you my advice and my input on something you never asked me to give you advice or imput about.

Anyway, I'm done with that after today too. (Unless said new teacher continues to ask me questions about it. I'll go as far as to mention that I'm a tender hearted gal and this is an older man so it's safe to say we both have vastly different approaches to teaching.)

So back to this pasta I'm cooking. I'm back on my diet after going to every fast food place in town. I've thankfully not gotten too big but, alas, I have to really watch my intake again. I'm hoping with the full time job and the regular schedule it will cut my food down to size once again. I will no longer be sitting around being bored at night and munching as a form of entertainment. (I have even resorted to food shopping as an activity of exercise and mental occupation in the wee hours of evening.)

I'm starting a different exercise routine as the treadmill in my local gym has been broken for, oh, 3 months now (at least). I started jogging a bit on Friday and while I could be doing the same today, I have these papers around me and the starvation making me ill at the moment, so instead I'm typing and waiting for my whole wheat rotini to boil for 15 minutes.

11/11/2008
10:50
I'll tell you what I'm sick of. I'm sick of stupid Firefox. I don't understand why its add-ons break the browser. I don't understand why some add-on toolbars show up whenever they feel like it. I don't understand why websites simply won't work in it sometimes. I don't understand why it lost its appeal so quickly just by being crummy. I don't understand how I can need, yet another browser, such as Chrome to combat Firefox's lack of performance. And I thought IE was bad. Sheesh.

Anyway, I'll put together this blog post today. It's been a while so I really should get cracking on it. I worked at school late last night so some work is done, but, alas, some work still needs to be completed. And no calls for my new job yet, no calls from Librarian School. Only random hang up calls from Unknown callers as usual.

Man, I'll be glad when I can work and get the credit monsters off my back, at least for a while.

12:31
No sooner did I write that when I was called for my new job. I start on Monday. Of course, thanks to my parents, I started getting that second guessing feeling of, "You know it's only temp work. You only get temp work, you never get regular work like everyone else..." Stupid thoughts. At least I can fight them off a lot easier now though.


Photo credit: LivingWilderness

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=96

When I first started this blog, years ago in an after party of my own, late one night at my parents' house, setting up my LiveJournal account, I entitled my new world of internet wonder: "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" (or was it the other way around? I forget.) Anyway, in all dramatic Billy Corgan fashion, I had started on a little endeavor that was without a real direction or purpose. Here, today, with the rain and sleepy gray feeling out town, I have past across an actual finish line.



I finished the work for my degree (insert fanfare here) and officially applied for graduation at my school. Seems the degree part won't be awarded until October 19th or something, but nonetheless, the workload is completed. After finishing those three, final, English literature classes back to back, one month at a time, I set my mind to finishing my thesis work (I had some piddly things that I had put off for months and I wrote each day in some sort of list or notebook; finish this, would ya?) I'm such a dumdum for not doing that stuff sooner but, alas, procrastination gets the better of me every time. It's the way I've always been and I honestly don't see any recourse from it only that it makes me feel guilty. Since guilt isn't something good and feeling condemned by something that you create in your head (or, as in my case, as people have told me to feel condemned about since I was old enough to sit in a school desk - something I tried to wiggle out of as much as possible) I don't see much need for concern. If it's not something that really matters when it gets done, then, sheesh, who cares?



Anyway, so now that all of it has been turned in and I'm awaiting my final grades to be put in, I've already been on some interviews for teaching jobs. Now, I've not worked for over a year now and I'm still awaiting financial aid to send me a scrap of cash (something they can't discuss until all the bills are paid - bills that include a $100 graduation fee. Oh no, I didn't make that up.) If this job I applied for yesterday works out, then I'll be able to start working next month, now that I have my degree. If I can't work then, more than likely after Christmas I'll have something.



However, now that my deadlines of school has finished, I feel out of sorts. Nothing to stress about that is in the means of productivity. Nothing to mark in my little day planner as an important date. Just me and the cat and the sound of the air conditioner running. (That broke during the last hurricane, by the way, and it took three attempts before the maintenance guys finally got the "small" leak repaired. Nice.) But while this stagnant feeling has taken over me, I see that it is an end to my last hurdle. When I started my work in the writing program it was because I was sitting at a desk in a public school, hating my job and stressing about it so badly that my body was eating at itself to create illness. I realized then, that teaching was something that tore me from my real love of writing and I wanted something for myself to work towards. Otherwise, each day was devoted to trying to stay in cohorts with the evil administrators and Lord knows that's just not part of the plan for anyone. So...online and upwards in education I went.



The funny thing is, now that I have the degree to get away from the horrible teaching days, I'm getting lulled back into it. Granted it makes sense that someone with an English degree and a Creative Writing degree would only be able to sit at her own desk and type away at a little machine, or go into a classroom and teach her wide range of knowledge just to keep herself in a home. But as I realized yesterday, being shown the new hopeful classroom (it has windows!) and given books (free books) and materials, and being introduced to people at the school, I got the distinct feeling that I was going to be able to head out for another change in my life. And yes, it freaks me out, but no, I'm not going to shy away from it. For starters, I need the money; that's obvious. For seconds, I need some new deadlines, goals, objectives and, hell, people to talk to in the physical form who are not close relatives. I couldn't stand most of the teachers I worked with and at the interviews I went to these past few months, I saw that negative, ready to strike, overly critical look in some of their eyes. But I also met some very nice ladies, like the one yesterday, who would be lovely to work for. Nice, friendly, chatty, helpful and polite. You can tell when things are right for you or when they are not. Some interviews I went to, I thought, "Oh hell, no, I'm not going through the kind of pain they're looking to dunk me into." But others I felt at ease sitting with them.



I have also realized that teaching is a bit too much of a social task for me. Granted, I don't know if I'll feel like this once I get into the college arena. I may love that. I know I loved college after I left the horrible high school years. I know I loved the university after I went through all the bull in my early years at the community college too. Without the regime of the state standards and the women who preserve it, I may have a much better time at the private school or at the community colleges. I'm not dismissing that possibility at all. However, I don't think I'm going to stay with that career move for long. For one thing, when I was at an interview last month, I was told that more than half of a college's staff is part-time and it's "extremely hard" to get full-time work over being an adjunct. My interviewer's advice, "Go back to teaching high school." Um...okay, no. Not unless I had a certificate and experience and full metal armor, would I go back into that arena. No, I wouldn't even go back even if they couldn't find some way to gossip about my faults; it's not worth it. You waste your whole life and never get to fulfill yourself. Not that helping people is bad and not that I didn't love working with the kids. I'll love working with the "kids", fresh outta high school hipsters who join my classes. But public school in Florida. Nope. Never again.



So my option for moving out of the education realm came across my mind earlier this year; to be a librarian. Now I don't recall exactly how I came up with this idea. I think I was looking around at education websites or career websites or something and I saw jobs for librarians. I started musing about the idea but never really mentioned it to anyone because, well, I'm tired of mentioning it to people who make some negative comment about what I say, just to give "advice", so I kept this and a lot of other things to myself. But anyway, so I started investigating what it takes to become a librarian saw that you only need a Master's Degree in Librarian and Information Science, so I started looking up potential online programs. Some of them were asking for high GRE scores which I never could get after attempting that test three times. (Even though, at the time, I still had that chip on my shoulder that has since dissolved) and some were just way too expensive. So I found a handful of schools that were reasonably priced and that had admission requirements that I could manage. I applied to some, got some professors to write me some letters of recommendation (I'm still waiting on three and the deadline is in two weeks - yay!), a letter stating why I'd be such a good librarian, and the money to pay for the application and transcript request fees. It's that money bit that gets me every time.



And that's all I can say right now about the outline of my life's events. These are the things that I chalk up to "professional" or "work" sense even though I'm really thinking about posting an actual website for my "real" me stuff (you know, use my real name, talk about my personal life, talk about my writing, lift the veil of half anonymity) and I will soon enough. There's more I need to write in a real sense instead of in an escapism sense. Still, escapism is the purpose for writing anyway so this here little bloggy will have to stick too.





Photo credit: florian.b



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