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She listens to the Doctor. He lets her know that things are going well and she can expect to be discharged by Monday. She's relieved, because she really doesn't enjoy being here. Only 2 more ECT's and all she be back on track. He has changed her med's too. She realises that she was dependant on the pain killers now, not very easy to acknowledge. She is still stumbling a little without their help. It scares her to realise how much of a roll this played in her day to day living. She has even managed to have an argument with her partner. She feels a bit scared, unsure what this all will mean. He feels that this means everything is back to normal. She knows that she hasn't functioned on a normal level for a very long time. She is still adjusting to life without the rubbishes help, (maybe looking at it negatively, will reinforce that she no longer needs any of it). She doesn't think he will understand or accept just how difficult it is. She knows that he loves her, but she doubts he will ever comprehend or want to for that matter, just how much she abused pretty much anything that made her feel "normal". But then again, why should he? She is still wrapping her head around it herself. It's not so easy to come out of denial, and what if her normal isn't ever going to measure up? She has to get organised to go back. Tomorrow is second last ECT....she should be able to write better after this is over. ECT has been impacting on her memory, which she finds unnerving. |
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She is grateful for the break. There is nothing to do their but think, which
for her can be both her good quality, but also her downfall. To be honest, since agreeing to ECT, her mind
has been preoccupied with the hope that this will actually work. Get her to a place, where with right help she
will be able to maintain the change.
She´s under no illusions, this is NOT a cure. She has nothing to lose by trying though. She had her first round of
ECT on Thursday; she is able to jot this down whilst on leave. She loves leave, thinks she could quite
easily become so much worse if she had to be there involuntary. She shakes her head trying to throw it out of
her mind. She feels that mental health
is the forgotten science in the hospital she is in. The shame is palpable in the air, almost suffocating
at times. She will give this another
try. She really wishes and hopes that
this treatment will work. Unfortunately,
she was one of the very few that suffer severe blinding headache and intense
jaw pain after effects. "They" will be reviewing
anaesthetic and muscle relaxant used to see if this is what caused the severity
of headache she suffered in recovery. She
is hoping that with some tweaks, the next time won´t be so scary after it. These sideffects were not caused by the ECT
itself, but rather the anaesthetic etc.
She had a great result regarding the ECT apparently. Too soon for her to notice anything. She has made a promise to herself, that even if there is pain after this treatment, she would still attempt a third (she knows the pain goes away). She is very unsure though if by the 3rd treatment things are still the same, whether she may become depressed over how horrible it has been. She fears that "they" will not be able to tweak it enough. She´s supposed to have a minimum of 6, preferably 8. She´s positive that ECT would come to equal pain; she could easily lose sight of her goal if that headache were to be in force EVERY time. She can't manage to write anything too meaningful. Just facts at present. So many emotions swirling around her she still has to sort through...what to keep and what to get rid of. As she signs off, she concedes that there is at least hope for her yet.
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Her partner answers the phone, it's "them". Place available, what time tonight can she come in? She panics. She's been waiting for this, hoping that this will work, different now it's here. She's all mixed up about it. 8pm she will be admitted and tomorrow it will be first round of ECT. She won't be posting for a while, she will be in there for around 2 weeks. She's never been to a "facility" before. She's not sure what to expect. She's not delusional, never has been. She's never had pure mania either. Her mood disorder is somewhere it the grey space between. Hypomanic is "their" label. She feels that it is more energetic and on top of life, but does not argue. The meds she's been on have controlled this aspect of her incredibly well, too well. Shame that it hasn't had the same impact on the darkness. She would much prefer it work the other way around. Although being so energetic would probably take it's toll, but it's so much more fun. SHe pauses to try to remember what it feels like to be able to function. Not as easy to remember anymore. Hopes that she will be able to write clearly when she returns. She is interested to see if there will be a noticable change in style. Mainly she wants to be there again for her family, not so utterly self absorbed with her faults. She leaves to have a shower, pack and get organised. She can not put it off any longer. At least it has happened after youngests 6th Birthday. We will still get to celebrate it properly today. This has actually made her smile, guess she's not that horrible all the time.
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The title is deceptive. She sounds fully prepared and rearing to go. She's not. Best option "they" tell her. She asks, "Is it quicker than changing meds alone?", Yes. That's all she needs to hear. She hates being this way, hates the unsure looks from her children, hates the worry to her partner, most of all hates the sympathy. She doesn't deserve sympathy. Maybe this is the kick up the backside she has needed? A good shock to the system...bad joke. She's not dumb. Done some homework, got a second opinion. So it will be off to hospital soon for around 2 weeks. She plans to keep a journal, but won't make any promises. Short term memory loss for the day of treatment is common, so she plans to write every detail of before and after treatment, curious to see how much of the day she will lose. Permanent memory loss is very rare, and usually only when treatment has been done alot of times. She is only going to try this once, she has told "them". No she does not want the option of maintenance ECT...meds & sticking to some goals should be enough to maintain her. There is no other option. Now she makes up viable reasons other than the truth to the outside world. Her inner sanctum know, but not even all of them know the "real" truth. She still has a part of her that feels that accepting ECT is a failure. She fears what some may think. This is going to work, it has to. She is not going to even visit the realm of failure regarding this treatment. She has to be in the majority. The self destruct button is still there, but as bizarre as this seems to her, the very idea that there is hope of a treatment that will work and be fast, well the urge to push it is no where near as strong. She is unable to write properly, too many thoughts flying in and out. She leaves to creep under the blankets, pretend she is asleep.
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It all begins again. How did she get here? Why doesn't it all just leave her the hell alone? "They" have visited again, "yes time to change meds" they say...she know this, but why does she have to have meds? She reasons with herself, it has to be, you have a family, but the self destruct button looks so tantalising at times. Surely others feel like this, surely it's not all that uncommon? She should be grateful, so many are so much worse, yet they smile and see the sun. She remembers the sun too, her sun can be blindingly bright. Guilt...ah the guilt. Her poor kids, how will this impact on them, how is this fair? She didn't know that this would still be happening for so long. Would she have had kids if she thought that this would still be happening? Yes, when the sun is out, she wouldn't think that the clouds would come, there wouldn't be any rain. Is she selfish? Is that what this is? Maybe the diagnosis is just a label for it? God she can be so self absorbed at times it's so frustrating, her poor partner. Paranoid...people know, they judge her. Shame. So the med rollercoaster begins again, remember to be honest this time. If it's not working, don't convince herself it is. No matter how much she wants it to. Maybe ECT isn't a monster? She feels like she's lost the battle if this happens, she should be able to do this on her own She's desperate for something to let in the sun, without it blinding her, but also stop the cloud and the rain from enveloping her. She'd rather blinding sun than pouring rain any day. Pride...deep down she wants all this to be a bad dream. Not true, a mistake. She could do this without all their help and meds. She never needed any of it. Now to remove the self destruct button. There has to be a way.
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