| Just me....well us! |
Kid's Grades
7:42 AM - 10/27/2005 - comments {2} - post commentShare and enjoy Personalities
7:38 AM - 10/27/2005 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoy Yuck...
11:50 AM - 10/26/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Halloween
10:16 AM - 10/26/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Good Deal
I am so passing my classes. I did my average check on my classes this morning and I am making B averages in each of them!!
The bad news: I bombed so bad on the midterms.
I really thought I had done a good job but I guess I didn't study enough. I kinda did the "Whatever. I'll Pass" thing...Boy was I wrong!
D came by and said "S'up" to me. FOr you who don't know K&D speak that means "What ya wanna do? Be friends? More than friend? What?" Well not this girl. I say "Nothing with you!" and (pat on back) go far away from him. He is going to jail this Friday and he wants some from me....oh well! He better go look elsewhere, not this girl, not this time. 10:00 AM - 10/26/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy What is up?
This is the pic someone made for me!!! Kinda cool... Anyways this is the kind of things that I have had going on in my life. I am so bored without the kids home during the day that I am looking for things to do. I just want to do SOMETHING!!! I do nothing for like 10-16 hours a day. The kids are not here for me to keep busy with. Don't have a guy here and Guage...well she sleeps so much that I just feel like I am all alone all the time. I was spending time with Angel but she is so sleepy now that she is closer to having the baby that I just dunno what to do. I can not believe there are so many new kids around. I am the only one not having a new baby. Gauge's mom found out she is having another in April. (And she says she is naming it Nirvana Rae) We will have a Nirvana Rae and Gauge Legend!!! What a retard!
9:51 AM - 10/26/2005 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoy Fuck offThis is what I managed to tell the Idiot this week. I am sick of having to be "the responsible one" all the time while he gets to be the one the kids want to be with. So instead I managed to tell him until he is ready to parent like I do then he can keep his fuckin ass on the other side of the country where he manages to escape to once every few months anyways. I mean really if you can't help then why come around. Why call to say I can't call you? Why send me a letter to say you can't pay your child suport? Why come by if it is going to be too late at night to see them anyways? GET A LIFE!!! 3:17 PM - 10/24/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Welcome
To the craziness of my life. Not today though. UH HUH no way. Today I managed to get all three kids asleep at the same time. Imagine that. Ya think my parenting skills are improving? Well I do. On top of that I have went from a C average to a B average in my classes so I must be doing something right, right? Someone give me an answer please!!! Alrighty then...I am alone here. Well in that case I will pat myself on the back and say good job to myself. 3:12 PM - 10/24/2005 - comments {2} - post commentShare and enjoy Sundays
Yep this is exactly how I feel today. I do not know how my day "off" always ends up being another day with too much to do but it does. And I dunno if I like it anymore. I want one day with not a lot to do. But that isn't today. The kids are still with B&L so I guess I can get some homework done, but the problem is that I don't wanna do it right now. I want to be just absolutely lazy. I wanna lay down and watch a movie or something. I still have to wash dishes too since Mellie is coming for dinner. Ugggg! 1:05 PM - 10/23/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy So where do I begin?This has been one of the longest few days of my life. I am sure I am close to losing my mind. The car breaking down and the kids being absolutely crazy and the rest of the mess. I am just not sure what to do. And to beat it all I am in love with someone and can't do anything to see them or touch them or even speak to them. How is this possible? What do I do? I have had one of the worst toothaches for the last few days. I have tried everything to make it go away and nothing is working. I am so tired. I have been up since about 4 because of the toothache and I have got like three hours a day for the last few days. I am just cranky!!!!! 6:14 AM - 10/22/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy BedtimesI am sick of bedtimes. I wish I could just let them stay up all night and then they would sleep when they want to and that the whole world could all be just one big game. But it isn't like that and I have to pay the price of sleepy-time. They have big ole hissy fits and they cry and I want to pull my hair out because I just want five minutes of free time. Does that make me a bad mom? If it does I don't care because I need the five minutes. I mean I NEED IT!!!! The all day busy busy busy is enough to make a girl crazy and that is awful. I like being crazy but I also like being able to think without the "mommy mommy mommy" that I get every second of everyday!!! I am just so tired I guess and that tends to make me a little cranky to say the least. Well I guess it is off to the work that needs to be done. OMG it is already after 8 and nothing is done!!! I gotta get busy. I got to get it done before three a.m. or I won't get my needed three hours of sleep. Would someone please give me a bedtime? 6:54 PM - 10/20/2005 - comments {2} - post commentShare and enjoy Me today
4:24 PM - 10/20/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Cool site I found!!!Ok a little bit of a lie....i ran across it because it was pointed out to me in one of my groups but I thought it would be cool to share. It is a live cam of African animals. I mean it is an ongoing cam that is always showing animals at this pond in Africa. It is kinda cool and my kids love it! Check it out some time! http://www9.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/wildcamafrica/wildcam.html 4:07 PM - 10/20/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy A day in the life....I try to find the humor in this life but little did I know the humor is outsmarting me and fast.
For example, this morning the brakes go out in my car. Well there was no warning whatsoever that this was going to happen. As I am coming down the hill I live on, All of a sudden there is this metal to metal sound and then some violent shaking and my van sure ain't stopping. The man in the car in front of me can tell what is going on by the look on his face but me....nope I am dumbfounded at the events that are happening. My baby girl says "Mom I think the van is broke and all I can think is "Ya think?" but instead I say "Yeah babe....I think so." LOL takes a three year old to point out the ever so obvious to me at times. Well my seven year old, having been the man of the house for a few years, says "Mom think we should call a guy to fix it?" Well I know I could do it but THANK GOODNESS for payday. Damn right we are gonna call a guy and then sweet talk until it fixed cheap!!!! Needless to say I love being a girl and I am so happy that I got the intelligence to know how to use that. Well it ends up can't get it fixed until tomorrow so I am grounded to my house for a day or two! LOL OUTSMARTED by life again!
3:23 PM - 10/20/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy FloridaThe kids got back from Florida yesterday and I got an earful of information that I really didn't need. Isaiah has had the most fun time filling me in on the goings on in the sunshine state. Apparently Idiot is living with his girl who from this day forth will be called Dumbass. She was nice enough to the kids but she said she didn't understand why I didn't let the kids go to see him more often. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I mean she has to be joking right?! Then again maybe not, but I am sure she will find out soon enough. I am sure this is another one of those girls that he will spend all of his time, money and love on (forgetting about the kids completely) and then when he is wrung dry, she will leave and he will be fucked because I will through his sorry ass in jail for lack of child support. He is so far behind now that I do not know how he will ever catch up to the point things are suppose to be. Isaiah also said that Idiot and Dumbass took him to the spring near his house. He let that baby go in the water and by the time he got out his lips were blue and he couldn't warm up until they put him in a bath. No wonder my kids are sick right now. They were put in freezing water. And one last thing...apparently B&L didn't like her because instead of staying the weekend, they came home the next day!!! His own parents were too mad to spend time with him on his b-day. I feel real bad for him. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE!!!! Thanks for the debt and the most beautiful baby girl in the world. I hope you are saved because you sure have a small chance of not going to hell. If you don't I will make sure I make the rest of your life so bad you will be praying for hell to get away from me. (For those of you reading that don't know, this isn't jealousy. This is anger at the fact that he left his kids "to make a better life for them" and they haven't got shit from him. I dislike him with every fiber of my being. I am the one who has to see the hurt in my kids eyes. I am the one who kisses the boo-boos and I am the one who rocks during the nightmares. I am the one who sells everything we own so the kids can have shoes, while he is out paying for prostitutes. I am the one who is always made to feel like I am not good enough because I cannot buy them everything they want, when he gets to be the one they want to be with because he is "fun" and I am tired of it. Let the truth come out so my babies know what they can believe in.) 7:37 PM - 10/10/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy So much to sayI
feel like the world is spinning faster than I am. I keep trying to play
catch up with myself, though I am making progress. I got my paper
handed in three days earlier than I thought I was going to. Even though
my midterms are due this week, I am not stressing it because once they
are done I know I will be on my vacation for a few days, with no
stressing over the school work.
I have begun to understand the inner workings of the friendship I am surrounded with. The girls all know their boyfriend/husbands are flirting with me. The guys all know the other ones are trying to get in. The guy I am kinda seeing (though I can't stand him) is clueless to it all. THe thing is we all walk around acting like nothing is going on until one day, probably sooner than later, it will blow up all over everyone and then none of us will be friends anymore. Wanna know the funniest part? One of the girls (the closest one to being my best friend) is also trying to get with me. Everyone is convinced we are already together but it isn't like that. Yes, both of our children see the other as a parent. Yes we spend AT LEAST ten to twelve hours together. Yes, we are really close and super honest with each other. Yes, we are almost like the same person. But the one thing the others are forgetting is the fact that we are not swinging that way together. We just aren't. We have a very good relationship as friends. 7:23 PM - 10/10/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Sleeping and notI have watched everyone sleep while I wander the darkness all by myself. I know they are innocent with their dreams and wishes coming to life away from me. I know that that is the one place I cannot protect them. That is the one place I become what they see me as and there is no way I can change it for better or worse. I want to be a part of them in everyway but I find that there are times when the only thing I can do is to let go and let them do what they think is right. I do not know when I went from the protecter of the universe to the one who may or may not be there but it happened and I missed it. I love them but they are no longer mine in the way they once were. They were the ones who kept me sane but now they are driving me crazy. I cannot get inside them. I cannot talk to them. I cannot be with them every minute of everyday. I just want to go back to the people we once were and forget the past. I don't think it will ever happen that way for any of us. I think the only thing to do is to now become something new to them as they have to me.8:33 AM - 10/9/2005 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoy AvoidingI am trying to avoid doing these papers I know that need to be done. I just do not feel the need to do them though I know I have to if I want to get through this semester with passing grades. I just always wait until the last minute and then they feel very rushed to me. I guess I know what I am doing but I just get so sick of doing it these days. It doesn't seem worht it when I could have got them done days ago and right now I could be studying for my mid-terms instead. I know that the best thing ot do right now is to try to get it done instead of writing here but that is the part that makes it known that I am really avoiding the whole process.8:27 AM - 10/9/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy The seasonsMy little sister asked me the funniest question this morning. She wants to know my favorite season. I say spring. She says hers is fall. I asked her why because for me the fall is when everything is dying and it is so depressing to me. She says the fall colors are so amazing and that it just gives her this alive feeling. She is 13 and at times I believe she has a way better outlook on life than i ever had or ever will. I mean she sees the beauty in everything.I raised that baby and now she is all grown and I am so impressed. She never went through the mess in her life that I went through and I love that about her. She doesn't always see the negative in life like I have a tendancy to do. She can just take the fact she has a spelling test that week and that will be the worst thing to happen to her. How great is that?! I was worried about getting drunk and just a few years later I was trying to raise my own son. She doesn't even want anything to really do with guys (though she did say she had a crush on someone) so maybe she will be the one to not have a baby before she is 16. Good God I hope so. I would hate to see her in the same kind of life I have now (not that my life is bad, mind you, just a big ass struggle). She is so the opposite of me and I think I did that (or at least a good part of it) so maybe I am not screwing up my kids so bad after all. 9:25 AM - 10/8/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Isaiah is student of the month!!!My
kid is such a good kid. I am so proud of him for doing so well in
school. They gave him a t-shirt and they also made a little poster for
him. I am so glad that he does all these great things when it is not
ever anything I have made him do. He is just like that all by himself.
I wish there was a way to make him know the extent of which I love him
and how proud I am of him. I never feel like I tell him enough or that
I do enough to show both of my kids how important they are to me. I am
wanting to show them but it is always like I don't know how. He is such
a good kid but I feel like if I don't show him or tell him enough he
will grow up insecure. I just want to be a good parent for them, both
of them.Be a good enough parent to make up for the missing idiot who
always runs away. What do I do to make it better...to make me better
for them?
10:57 PM - 10/6/2005 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoy Sad....i do not even know where to begin. i am so sad at the fact that my life is so completely out of control. things are messed up all over the place.
it is definately enough to make a person sad i guess. i know it is bitching and complaining but damn my feelings are hurt. i just want things to get better and things to be right in my life again. i want to be happy. i want to sleep for so long it is all gone away when i awake. i want to not breath because it is taking too much effort to do it. oh damn i don't know anymore. i want to not be sick. i want to not be sad. i want to not feel invisible. i want to not be lonely anymore. 10:19 PM - 10/6/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy PsychologyI finally finished the work that needed to be done for mt psych class... well all except for the three page paper but that will get done. I am sure of it. I know that lately I have let myself fall behind but that is only because.... well I am not even going to bother making excuses. I just have and I am really not sure of the reason. It has just happened that way. I have three papers due by Sunday but that is days away and as long as I do a little at a time everyday it will get done.(That is my own personal pep talk to myself so that maybe after saying it enough I will believe it. It hasn't happened yet but hey who knows.... it may happen some day, right?) Anyways the focus of our study for the last two weeks have been on sleep, dreams, consciousness and the effect of drugs on the levels of consciousness. It is a lot more interesting than the last secton which was just about the chemicals in the brain. I just like the interesting stuff but I know we have to learn the boring to make it worth it. 8:24 AM - 10/5/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy A situationSo here is the thing that is going on with someone and I am not sure what the right advice is for them.The boyfriend (we will call him G) worked the day shift which actually meant being gone eleven hours a day. The girlfriend (M) didn't work. She has emotional and mental problems. She can't sleep so she would be up from the time he got up in the a.m. until hours after he goes to bed every night. Well G decideds to go to the night shift which puts him out of the house from 3:30 until about 3:30. When he gets home, he showers and goes right to bed. Ok so here is the point of the story, when he worked days she saw him tow hours a day and then he was spending time with the kids. (Not that that was a bad thing) By the time she got the kids in bed, he was asleep too. Now that he works nights, he doesn't see the kids at all, he doesn't see her cause he sleeps until an hour before he goes to work, and he comes home and goes right back to bed so no one sees him then either. She is begining to fell like it is just a place for him to sleep and she doesn't really believe that is a "relationship" but a roommate. The worse part about it is that even though he has Friday through Monday night off, it seems like they are at a loss for what to say to each other or even how to be in the same room at those times. Both of them seem to be unhappy to be in the situation and maybe even the relationship but the problem is they just walk around smiling at each other. Now her, I know for a fact, is screaming on the inside to break free of the pattern even if it means ending this forever long relationship. She is tired of just being there but not being with anyone. I think he feels the same but is scared to let go. But the whole thing hit home when a friend said (when he was working days) how lonely it was when she was up at 2 a.m. all alone and she didn't even think about it and says that it is lonely all the time. He never so much as acknowledges the meaning and goes on to ask the friend how her husband is doing. Now at the time we all thought he didn't want to bring it up at the time but later when they are alone he never mentions it and sure hasn't tried to do anything to fix it. But wait wait .... there is more to the story...... She also tried to hold the family together for the last 9 months all by himself, even through his comments (such as "It is my life I will do what I want" or "I am a grown ass man" but then calls her when he goes to jail and yells at her when she can't come up with the $2000 to bail him out) but he never gave a damn except to yell at her and belittle her. Then she finally gives up and he decides to it is important to try and make it work. But then he tries for a few days and goes right back to the same shit. SO now what does she do? Does she stay? Does she go? Does she try again but from a different homes for right now? What, oh what, to do? 7:44 AM - 10/5/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy Have to add new entry real quick!!!Ok so I need to run out the door but just in case a certain someone tries to look at the last post I wanted to say...If you don't want to know the truth stay out of my head. I never invited you in but I never told you to stay out either. I let it be your choice but you have to know the cost. If you want to be in here than you have to not judge. If you want to know about the things I am thinking just ask but if you need to sneak to see than the problem is you not me. I am here to just be me without your accusing eyes. I am sorry if you don't like, I undertand why. But I didn't ask you to judge me or even understand. I asked you for once grow up and be a man. 9:06 AM - 10/4/2005 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoy |
And while I am ranting on and on:
This is the day I am sure my ANGEL side will show. I have missed being around my best friend for the last few days and I do not know how I am going to be able to get back ot seeing her but DANMMIT it is my duty to try to the best of my ability!!! I have missed writing here but with mid-terms and all I have been so busy. I am really not into this school year at all and I am slacking hard!!!! I got to get on the ball and soon... I mean the semester is half over and I am passing but it is a lot of guessing which is not going to help me with my finals I am sure. I am actually going to get started now. Thanks for the pep talk to myself. 