Yuck

The kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to be the best parent I can be regardless of what I have to do to become that....

Well I was told I need ot go in to the hospital for a few days and there is absolutely NO WAY I can do that. I am too busy with the kids to just take a few days off and lay around waiting for them to tell me what the hell is going on. It isn't worth it. I know that I cannot help them if I am not better but do you have an idea of what that means? I will have to find someone to keep them. I will have to rush all my homework for school. I will have to rush around taking care of everything. And then be gone for a few days. When I get back I will have a mess to clean up. I will have to reassure the kids that I will not leave them. I will have to do all the make up work. And my house will be trashed because whoever keeps the kids will have to stay at my house.

I am just worried about the whole thing. I am scared how it will all affect the kids. I am scared of what they are planning to do to me. I am scared that I will fall behind and I won't be able to catch up. I know I need to risk it, but I just don't know. I just don't know.

Isaiah is scared because of the meds I am taking. He also is scared that I am going to be gone. He fears everyone leaves him and that if I go to the hospital I won't come back. I know he should know better , since I have been in the hospital before and always came back, but it is the same thing everytime. For days after I get out, he has nightmares. And poor little J goes back to wetting her bed. I feel like I am messing them up being so sick.

I have made them so dependant on me and that sucks. They fall apart if I am not here for them every minute. I think that is worse than me being gone. I have made it where I have become the center of their lives. That is kind of how it is suppose to be, I mean I am their mommy, but did I take it too far? Was it because I was scared they were going to leave me? Am I too over-protective, too imposing? What will be the result of this?

1:25 PM - 4/2/2005 - post comment