Running

Days and days of the same thing. Now that the days are later that means that there are longer days of the same thing. I love when it gets warmer. We can get out of the house more, spend more time together,  and not feel like we are so trapped inside  of our lives.

I want to feel more free, but it is impossible. I am tired of hearing the talk talk talk of these people without the love love love they say they have for us. I am as free as I am going to get.

I use to think that I could run away from everything. Just pack up what ever would fit in the car and go. Go where ever it felt like I was suppose to be at the time. Just drive until I ran out of gas and that is where we would be until the next time the need to run. then we would start all over again. We did that for about 5 years.

Then last year I found out something. I cannot ever run far enough away from myself before I eventually catch up. And that is the one thing I am running from. I am running from the things that have happened in my past. I am running from the people I think are going to find out about me. I am running from the way I am when I am all alone. The thoughts I can not stop from racing, the thoughts I can not control when I feel like everything is out of my control. These are the same thoughts that caused me to be have eating disorders, to try to commit suicide, to want to hurt other people when they hurt me and I cannot run from them.

I cannot ever out run them. I had to stop turn around and face them head-on. I had to let them smack me in the head and deal with them. and slowly I am but here lately the need to run that creeps up on me from time to time has hit me and stronger than ever. So now on top of fighting the ADD, MDD, anorexia and the anxiety, I am fighting the urge to escape myself. It will never end and I fighting battles I sometimes lose, but I will continue to fight them as long as I have the kids by my side. I may win some of the battles but I will never win the war.

6:19 PM - 4/5/2005 - post comment