I have cancer!

Well it is offical! Today was the very first day as my life as a cancer patient. I am so calm. The effect hasn't kicked in yet, but when it does I feel for D. I can just see the breakdown up ahead.  But for right now I am making plans and goals and other things to make sure that the kids are taken care of and that we are all still a family for as long as possible. I know that cancer is one of the curable diseases and that is exactly what I keep thinking. But see, here is the negative....my mom's mom died of cancer a few years ago and she only had two weeks from the day she found out to the day she was dead. What if that is me? Will J remember me? Will Nick know that I didn't mean to bail? Will they both know forever that I love them?

Ok why all the negative, right? Well they found this a year ago but "misplaced" the info so it was a FULL year before it came to light. This stuff has been eating at my body for a year with me having no idea except for the large amounts of pain that kept being passed off as just other things. I mean as of yet we still do not know the full extent of the damage going on in my body. Who does that? What kind of doctor "misplaces" important pieces of info like cancer cells? That is the biggest pile of fucking bullshit I have heard to date!

I just cannot think straight. I want to cry and have the breakdown now but at the same time if I break down then the kids will too, and that would be bad.

But the thing is I am still not afraid of the dying. I am afraid of the kids being without me and me being without them. I am afraid it will hurt for a long time, and then finally after all the time and the pain and the stress on the kids it will kill me. But I did the smart thing. I got a will and a living will and I made all of the things known what and how and when things should happen. This is going to be exactly my choice. I will not be at the mercy of others. I will be and have exactly what I want up to the very last moment.

Sorry to anyone I didn't talk to directly to tell them. I apologize but I have to vent so here it is for the whole world to know.

Hug, Loves and all else

K

1:00 PM - 4/21/2005 - post comment

Hey its me Sissy

Saw your post and i am so sorry to hear the diagnosis of cancer.You know maybe at this time a support group for cancer patients might do you a world of good! You have your children yes to look after but you need to do something for you to right now! This is alot to carry alone! I will be praying for you and your children kay. Keep posting and venting and if i can do anything at all for you please let me know.I will do my best to support you through this time and do all i can as a friend-alright? You take care and stay in touch with me. Lotsa hugs-Sissy
( my blog is now supersissy). bye for now

SuperSissy - 4:45 PM - 4/21/2005

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Sorry to hear that!

I'm really sorry to hear that Kay. You hang in there. Its not the end of the world. The year is 2005 and even though we have not reached a point to eliminate cancer altogether, the treatment for cancer is much more advance and the threat is lessened. The positive in your case is that you are young...which means the doctors more than likely have caught it early. The earlier it is detected the easier it is to stop it..dead in its tracks. My mother-in-law is currently battling cancer but she is in her 60's, therefore it is more of a threat to her. But she has not stop living her life...she continues to do daily activities and live a full life...you should do the same. As suggested by supersissy you should find a cancer support group in your area...that possibly can help relieve or lessen any stress you have. Even though I don't personally know you..I feel your pain...and you will be in my prayers. Continue to live your life, be strong, and don't give up. I'm praying for you and your family.

AntOnaf - 6:21 PM - 4/21/2005

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Hey Kay

You know who it is... cancer is just cells growing out of control... that is all. The name of it depends on the location alone. I am praying for you and the children. Remember when I said no strings, it still applies but time is against us. Every moment brings us all closer to the source. I love you in Christ and will speak with you soon.

graceandpeace - 9:48 PM - 4/21/2005

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Call me if you get a free chance and want to chat!
as always ~Blessed Be~ Mis Catt

MisCatt875 - 11:51 PM - 4/21/2005

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