Husband/wife jokes

There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount
of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"What about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?" "Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and
knees."

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" "She then said,
'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'"

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4
inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

11:45 AM - 5/9/2005 - post comment