KEEPING MY SANITY - DESPAIR AND NUMBNESS- JournalHome.com

KEEPING MY SANITY

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I believe that many people have reasons why they write in diaries/journals/blogs.:P Hey, I can even list some of those here pretty easy: 1."I just love writing. It's my hobby." 2.I think too much. If I don't do something really constructive and productive about it, I am afraid that my poor head will soon explode!*big evil grin* 3."I write better than I talk, and I don't feel like wasting other people's precious time listening (and waiting impatiently) to my stutterings. That's awfully embarrassing!" 4."Not everybody in the world can always accept brutal honesty. That's what I am truly aware of." 5."I feel that the world is slowly lacking sympathy.:( Still, you know what to do when nobody bothers to at least spend a little time to listen to your problems." 6."I can be my own heroine in my own storybook!";D 7.... ...and the list could go on forever. However, I'd like to sum it all up with my own reason these days: "This is my way of keeping my sanity." ......................... *big evil grin* Yes, people. That's right. I am seriously addicted to writing. This has been my therapy. You may and may not like what I write in here. That is truly up to you. Besides, I am just here to present my point of view. So, welcome to my world. The Author

DESPAIR AND NUMBNESS

2/3/2008

"Surga begitu sepi
Tapi aku ingin tetap di sini
Karena kuingat janji-Mu, Tuhan
Kalau aku datang dengan berjalan
ENGKAU akan menjemputku dengan berlari-lari."

(The heaven is so quiet
But I still want to be here
'Cause I remember Your promise, God
If I come walking to You
YOU will come running to me.)

from:
"Aku Bermimpi Melihat Surga" (I Dream of Seeing Heaven) by.Andrea Hirata (from "Laskar Pelangi" / The Rainbow Soldiers)

Dearest God,
I know that I've never really been a good girl lately.:( For that, I am truly sorry. May You always have Your mercy on me.
Dear God,
These days have been the hardest for me. If my father's no longer reliable as the head of my family, then why am I still jobless and useless here? Why haven't You answered my prayers yet? It's not that I haven't tried my hardest enough to get a job here. If I come running to You, will You come flying down to pick me up? I know this sounds like a faith crisis. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Am I asking for way too much here? Do I deserve Your priceless, yet also endless favour?
God,
It's been a long while since the very last time my mother and I really 'talked'.:( Ironically, I am missing her a lot --- eventhough she's still around and I can see her. What's going on here lately? I don't want to exaggerate things or have any prejudice about anybody, but I also can't pretend that everything is still okay and the same as before. I know I'm not the only one feeling this, because I've had other witnesses say the same thing.
What have I done seriously wrong to my mother, God?:( If I have, then how come I don't know? Why won't she tell me? Why won't she even be interested in listening to me anymore? Have I been nothing more than a mere disappointment in her life? These days, her smiles and devoted attention are only for both of them.
My sister and Gatot.:( They're going to have their engagement party on February 10, and I can't escape that day. If only he were much nicer and not treating my entire family members like fucking slaves that have to serve his needs, then I wouldn't feel this way. Of course, I won't get in their way. It's their call.
These days, I only need a stable job for me and a place to live alone --- not under the same roof with them. But why aren't You answering my prayers? I'm sick and tired of waiting for my chances. I'm sorry, but I can't stand this anymore.
Thank You.