THE REALITY SOAP: AFTER DAD'S FUNERAL

"REALISTICALLY-SPEAKING: I AM ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED"

I am romantically-challenged. That's nothing new and also for sure. I've been that way for too damn long, since I can't even remember when.

One of my old college friends came up with another more sophisticated term about people with my (mental? psychological?) condition - and posted it on her Facebook wall. It's called 'philophobe' - someone with the phobia for romance - or the fear of falling in love. She told me that she and I were on the same boat.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I can still be happy with my life once in a while. That's life anyway.

I'm romantically-challenged because:

1.I keep falling in love with the wrong guys.

2.I keep getting heartbroken and alone in the end. (Come to think of it, I'm getting so good at being single that I no longer remember how to let people in easily. Yes, call me difficult as you may please.)

I'm sick to death of this same, old sick cycle carousel!

Enough said.

R.

BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES...:P
12/14/2008

I've been a little too caught up with work and my own anger over The Stupid Bill (UU APP) in my country lately.:( Well, you can't really blame me for that. This time, let me start this entry with recaps of other things in life lately.
 Time flies, doesn't it? Grandpa's old house in Panglima Polim has just been sold and now he's moving to Depsos-Veteran - not far from where I live.
 My sister's getting literally BIG.:P Hehe. Honestly, I envy her for having a damn good reason to gain more weight.:P That's what happens to the majority of pregnant women, right?
 Sometime ago, Nick once asked me about how I was holding up so far. I typed, ok. The truth is, I don't mind at all. Really, as long as she's happy. But still, I sometimes notice that she still acts like a spoiled, bratty teenager to Mom and my brother. Mommy, where's my shirt? Do this and that, and all that jazz. To be honest with you, I'm silently worried here.
 What's going to happen when the baby is born? Will she become more mature like all grown-women should?
 I don't know. Maybe. I hope so, because the truth is - pregnant or not - she still gets special treatments.
 She once asked Mom what she'd do if the baby were born and she had to go back to work. And Mom, a former career woman herself and always keen on pleasing her precious one, simply said, "That's okay. There are still plenty people at home who can watch over your baby while you're at work. Me, your siblings - "
 "What?" my brother cut in, unusually sharp. Me? I kept my mouth shut the entire time. Why? I didn't want to sound like a harsh, insecure freaky sister by directly saying no. No way. But I knew she was serious and...well-determined about the whole idea. Somehow, I knew that this would be coming soon. Especially since they all know I work in the afternoon until late at night. My only excuses in the morning are the internal trainings, FCE, and gym. What else?
 ...........................
 Oh, my God.:( Now I sound like a horrible person. Worst of all, they might think I'm just a selfish, immature brat who just doesn't care. Knowing how manipulative my sister can be sometimes, she'll probably just urge me to start 'practising my maternal-instinct' - while Mom always agrees with everything she says. Once in a while is fine, but what if everyday?*gulps* I mean, give me a break, man. Call me old-fashioned or whatever you like, but the baby should be her and The Husband's responsibility.
 *deep sigh*
 Alright, I know I'm being paranoid here.:( But still, I've got to do something about this situation. I must find my own place to stay. I know I can't do it here, because Mom will always have excuses to keep me. Out-of-town plans won't work either. (I still remember my rejected plan to rent a small dorm in Depok with a college friend as a roommate long ago.)
 That's why getting a scholarhsip abroad is very, very important for me. That way, she won't have any other reasons left to keep me here. She knows what I badly want (and need). It's all about gaining my true independence. It's all about wanting (and needing) to take care of myself first, before being able to take care of someone else (like in marriage, I reason.)
 But the sad thing is, I can't talk to any of them about this. They'll only think I'm strange, as always. Me and my westernized idealism, they'll say. (And it has nothing to do with certain cultural values, may I assure you!)
 Besides, living in one house with so many people can take up your personal space sometimes. One of the results is my insomnia. I must often wait until everybody is asleep to concentrate on my work. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I love quiet.:P
 *sighs* Now I sound like Dr.Seuss' Grinch...:|
 In the meantime, I'll just keep on searching and trying...
 Good news.:) My brother is dating a lovely girl named Dindi. I haven't met her personally yet (although, not surprisingly, my family has), but I've heard good stories about her. I've seen their picture together on my brother's Facebook.:P Cute, with creamy-coloured chubby cheeks. Mom said she's the combination of...err, my sister and me. She's tall like my sister, but a tomboy like me.*giggles* She plays basketball and loves Converse too.
 Well, at least my brother is happy.:D
 I'd also like to congratulate my pal Al from South Africa, who just got married to his girlfriend Mads on November 29.:D Thanks for the pics, man. I'm happy for you both!
 Tiger is sick.:( Tiger, if you happen to read this, please let me know how you're doing so far, okay? And get well soon.
 I'm also still battling the damn flu here.:( At least I've finished this entry, before my head explodes from thinking too much...*big evil grin*

 The Author
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