I am romantically-challenged. That's nothing new and also for sure. I've been that way for too damn long, since I can't even remember when.

One of my old college friends came up with another more sophisticated term about people with my (mental? psychological?) condition - and posted it on her Facebook wall. It's called 'philophobe' - someone with the phobia for romance - or the fear of falling in love. She told me that she and I were on the same boat.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I can still be happy with my life once in a while. That's life anyway.

I'm romantically-challenged because:

1.I keep falling in love with the wrong guys.

2.I keep getting heartbroken and alone in the end. (Come to think of it, I'm getting so good at being single that I no longer remember how to let people in easily. Yes, call me difficult as you may please.)

I'm sick to death of this same, old sick cycle carousel!

Enough said.



I forgot to mention that I visited Fitri and D in Panglima Polim last Monday afternoon, right after FCE. We talked a while before I finally returned home. Fitri said that Nezzie wanted to have fun with us after Christmas.:) Good idea.
 I wasn't tempted tp look at Grandpa's old house there.:( I guess I could understand his feelings that day. Mom said he was still adjusting to the new house in Veteran...really hard. I guess sometimes sentimentality can be much stronger than common sense.
 Why?:( Why is it still so hard to move on for some people out there? Am I one of them too - whether I realize it or not?
 Have I been walking forward while my head is still turning back? Don't we all do that - at some point? I guess it's just the law of the universe we can't really avoid. I mean, although I've already known since I started learning to read that my own language - Bahasa Indonesia - never owns it, now I know why past tense exists. Most stories are written in that form.
 Nick once asked me if I could've just 'carried' Tiger in my heart. Well, I did. In a way, I still do. I guess I always will, but it's not just for Tiger. It's also for Nick. And Joza. And Nanda too.
 In other words, it's all for the guys I've ever loved...and still. For their ability to just open the usually locked doors to my isolated castle, and their kindness too.:) I'll never forget. They just inspire me.
 Thank God, for having brought them over. This world is getting crazier by the day, but You always manage to remind me that real, good guys still exist out there.
 *deep sigh*
 Then why can't I move on, like my brother has?:| Okay, scratch that. Why does it take a very long time for me to finally do that? I know it might sound pathetic to you. I mean, look at my brother and his new girlfriend Dindi. Most of them say, it's all about your mind-setting. (Is it really true, anyway?) They all think it's just that easy. Well, maybe it is in some matters - like changing your cellphone numbers or getting a new haircut.
 *sighs* I don't know. Once again, I'm not making much sense here. Maybe I'm not as practical as I thought I was.*shrugs* Maybe they've always been right about me. I am strange. I tend to choose the hardest way out of (almost) everything in life.
 Like, for example, when I'm using a cellphone.:P (I know it's not exactly the appropriate analogy, but I just can't think of anything else right now.) While most people in Jakarta love changing cellphones when the new version comes out, I usually stick to the old one until it completely loses its entire abilities/just...dies. Then I'll bid my farewell to it as I turn to the new one. Thanks for your service and everything. It's just like that.
 There's nothing wrong with being loyal to something you believe in/someone you have true feelings for - I guess, especially if they do you good. But sadly, nothing lasts forever here. You just have to know and be ready when to let go.
 Will I ever be able to do the same thing again if it turns out that Tiger and I aren't meant for each other and that he falls for someone else? I have to, right? Just like before. As long as he's happy and not getting hurt too many times again.
 Then, what about me?
 As usual, I can only rely on God. It's all in God's Hands. The past, the present, and the future. Strengths and weaknesses.
 Well, I guess that's just all for this entry.:) So far, I'm filling up my long holiday with more reading, writing, and exercise. Good times.
 For those of you who are celebrating Christmas, may you have a peaceful one.

 The Author

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