THE REALITY SOAP: AFTER DAD'S FUNERAL

"REALISTICALLY-SPEAKING: I AM ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED"

I am romantically-challenged. That's nothing new and also for sure. I've been that way for too damn long, since I can't even remember when.

One of my old college friends came up with another more sophisticated term about people with my (mental? psychological?) condition - and posted it on her Facebook wall. It's called 'philophobe' - someone with the phobia for romance - or the fear of falling in love. She told me that she and I were on the same boat.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I can still be happy with my life once in a while. That's life anyway.

I'm romantically-challenged because:

1.I keep falling in love with the wrong guys.

2.I keep getting heartbroken and alone in the end. (Come to think of it, I'm getting so good at being single that I no longer remember how to let people in easily. Yes, call me difficult as you may please.)

I'm sick to death of this same, old sick cycle carousel!

Enough said.

R.

MISSING YOU...:'-(
12/28/2008

It's a good thing I can keep track of my daily life here. I've noticed that my emotions tend to get really negative during the end of every month. You may call it PMS or whatever the hell you like.:| I just need to make sure that this doesn't hurt anybody, including myself.
 *deep sigh*
 I don't know what was wrong with me last night.:( Come to think of it, it was pretty embarrassing. I felt so stupid. I know that if you're already (considered) a real grown-up, you're supposed to (know just how to) handle this matter elegantly/gracefully/whatever.
 Okay, it all started when Hani texted my cellphone last night. (For the record, she's my best friend and just the greatest person.:) I'm not blaming her for this or anything, because the real problem is just...me.:|) We usually keep each other posted when we don't get to see each other for real.
 Then she told me about Nick's trip to NY. To be honest, I was a bit...stunned. He simply e-mailed her that, but never told me?? I thought we usually let each other know, like we normally did back then. What happened to us? I understand that we can only be just friends, because I chose to stick to what I believe in.
 Maybe I was just being overly sensitive over nothing. But somehow, I wasn't thinking straight last night. I mean, I know that we don't talk as often as we used to. We're both busy with life. The last time we actually chatted online, the timing was always lousy. I couldn't stay long because of work. He was tired from college, studying, or working on some paper. He needed sleep. That's okay. I can totally understand that. (Been there, done that.) I can also understand that he can no longer afford the expensive long-distant phone bills, especially with the global crisis going on lately. So, he doesn't call anymore. No more texts exchanged too.
 I somehow dialled his number last night. I couldn't stop myself. After he picked up and answer with that awfully familiar "Hello?", I started freaking out and hung up quickly. God, I miss that warm, sweet voice so much.:( But I just couldn't bear to hear that. It hurt...
 So I just dropped the phone and...sobbed.:'-( I thanked God that last night was pretty dead quiet at home. By the time I was done, I looked in the mirror in my bedroom and just hated what I saw. I looked all too familiar. Same haircut, same teary-eyed, sappy look on my face...
 ...just like that morning on June 15 at the airport. It was the day I had to let him go, the day when I'd looked at him with tears in my eyes. I still remember his smoky-blue eyes and sweet smile as he said softly, "Smile."
 "I've been so stupid. I know I should've told you this sooner, "I'd stammered through my tears. "I love you."
 "I know," he'd just gently said that before hugging me close for one last time. Then he left without looking back again. Just like that.
 ...........................
 *sighs*
 I've made the right decision. I chose my religion over him, and I'd simply do it again. I'm not sorry for that.
 I'm just sorry that we can't be together because of that. But I won't change my mind. It's been the hardest thing to do, although a part of me will always love him. No lie.
 I need to get away. I need to live this city to escape memories of him. Even my own room still reminds me of him despite the major re-arrangement.:(
 I also need to escape this New Year's Eve. Last NYE, he managed to call me at midnight - just to wish me a Happy New Year.
 God, help me please...:'-(

 The Author
 
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