4/8/2011 - Oh boy it has been too long!!
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1/14/2009 - living with people
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Oh Shelby...... Shelby is in love with BB. I cant wait to go to his wedding and see him forever happy and blissfull. I love them both and wish them all the best. But I think they will be the last roomates I ever have. It sounds stupid and pathetic but im a fucking solo artist. I think it would be better for all involved if i left and never came back into their lives. Its between Seattle, Denver, or out of the country. Im not not real sure yet. Im going to pray about it and let God lead me in the right direction. I have been going to prestonwood baptist church with my friend mark from work and his son michael. I really enjoy it and the sermons are very inspiring! Sometimes I feel like I cant wait for sunday to come so I can go to church! I would go on my own but its out in plano and the bus dont run out that far. I wish there was a church closer to me. But I like going with mark and mike! I get htis great sense of peace and calm when I go. I never thought i would really enjoy church! but God works in many different wonderful ways!
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1/14/2009 - Gage
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As I said, Gage got married and is having a baby! Isnt that great! Im very happy for him! But Im still kinda upset that he didnt tell me. Didnt tell me any of it. About a week or so ago I sent him a text telling him I wanted to move where ever he was stationed next. That I missed him and i didnt want to live without him any longer. I talked to him not long after the text and he was thrilled! said he was so happy that I wanted to move and that he loved me and missed me very much! Fucking great!! I loved him and we were going to get married and be happily ever after!
      So the next day i get this text from gage asking me why I want to live with him now? And I say, because I love you and i miss you. Duh? And he says why do you think i still love you? at this point im questioning my own sanity. Because thats what you have been telling me. Whats going on? Are you with someone else? And he says Im married. And expecting a baby next month! I was speachless! All i could say was that I was sorry and that i would not bother thhem ever again. But he wouldnt let it go. he said that he must have said something to make me think he was waiting for me like i was waiting for him. I said i have been alone this whole fucking time!! And he kept pushing me to tell him what he must have said to me to make me think that. I didnt want to talk to him about it any more. I just told him i was sorry and that i was crazy to think that. So then i get a text saying that this is his wife. and that she is so sorry that this happened and it "just breakes her heart"! So then im like this was the wife the whole time!! And gage is convenienly on on assignment in the barring sea for the next 3 months!! So i have no way of contacting him anyway!! Did i mention i was at work this whole time the crazy fucking texting is going on? Yea that was fun.
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1/14/2009 - Gage
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As I said, Gage got married and is having a baby! Isnt that great! Im very happy for him! But Im still kinda upset that he didnt tell me. Didnt tell me any of it. About a week or so ago I sent him a text telling him I wanted to move where ever he was stationed next. That I missed him and i didnt want to live without him any longer. I talked to him not long after the text and he was thrilled! said he was so happy that I wanted to move and that he loved me and missed me very much! Fucking great!! I loved him and we were going to get married and be happily ever after!
      So the next day i get this text from gage asking me why I want to live with him now? And I say, because I love you and i miss you. Duh? And he says why do you think i still love you? at this point im questioning my own sanity. Because thats what you have been telling me. Whats going on? Are you with someone else? And he says Im married. And expecting a baby next month! I was speachless! All i could say was that I was sorry and that i would not bother thhem ever again. But he wouldnt let it go. he said that he must have said something to make me think he was waiting for me like i was waiting for him. I said i have been alone this whole fucking time!! And he kept pushing me to tell him what he must have said to me to make me think that. I didnt want to talk to him about it any more. I just told him i was sorry and that i was crazy to think that. So then i get a text saying that this is his wife. and that she is so sorry that this happened and it "just breakes her heart"! So then im like this was the wife the whole time!! And gage is convenienly on on assignment in the barring sea for the next 3 months!! So i have no way of contacting him anyway!! Did i mention i was at work this whole time the crazy fucking texting is going on? Yea that was fun.
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1/13/2009 - Alone
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     I am alone.  Im pretty sure that I very well may be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be able to know as many people in my short life as possible. I dont want to ever feel as alone as I know I really am. I have decided on Seattle. For a max of 2 years ubtill Ifind a new place and move on again. Im going to finish out my lease in dallas with shelby. At first I thought he would be sad that I was leaving. I didnt know how wrong I was. 
     Tonight I got home after I went with my family to pick up my little brother from the air port. He just got back from his mission in argentina. I told my mother that I was planning to move out of state. To say she was not happy is a serious understatement. I know she dosent want me to leave but she will be happy for me never the less. So when I got home I sat on the couch with shelbys boyfriend and my other roommate BB. I lightly talked to him about what I was thinking and he told me how happy he was that I was moving! Because they have been talking about getting their own place when the lease is done!! WTF!! 
       But thats good. That means we can make a clean break. LOL... its not funny. I asked him when he planned on telling me. He didnt have a difinative answer. I kind dont want to finish the lease. My name isnt even on it. But I think thats kinda cold. 
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1/13/2009 - Back in the dark place
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here we  go again... So gage got married! Did he tell me? Fuck no!! Wait lets start this right.

Next month will be my 2 year anniversary of being back in dallas. Yes thats about as happy as im gonna get about it. Its really not that bad. I have a great apartment, 2 roommates i dearly love. A good job and friends. But somethings not right the mask is starting to slip. I find it getting harder to pretend to be the happy lady everyone has come to expect. I keep feeling like God is pushing me to leave. Like its time for me to find a new home. Not that i dont love living with my roomstes, because i really do. I just feel like Im meant to be somewhere else. North. I want to move north. If I stay in the country, oregon, washington, maybe even colorado. Im not real sure yet. This has been going on for months now. Its kinda driving me fucking crazy! I think part of it is the weather. Texas weather is bullshit. I dont know how much longer I can stand to live here. Any suggestions? I know Shelby will hate me forever when I leave but I also know I have to do whats best for myself. Ok done for now with the travel talk. 

 

 

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10/6/2008 - Disturbed
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I dont know whats wrong with me. I have been having these fucked up thoughts and day dreams if you will. I keep seeing different ways I could die in different daily situations and imaginary events. Im severly depressed and I dont know if I will ever find anything that will make me happy, or at least normal. I have a good job, a roomate I love, and a wonderful family. Blah Blah Blah......

(This is my blog to bitch, just a warning)

  Yeah wouldnt that be nice! I hate my gay woman hating boss, and my family is the perfect wasp picture!

I think Im defective. Everywhere I turn people are happy and having babies and are SOOOOOO in love with life!!! Im always gagging!! I think Im empty inside. I actually had a complete emotional breakdown the other night over nothing! I scared the shit out of my roommate shelby. Poor thing didnt know what to do! I'll be back.

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9/15/2008 - My dark place
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I only seem to write when im in that dark ''My life sucks but I have internet access'' kinda place. Its quite pathetic and very stupid but its cheaper than therapy. Its fucking 3am in dallas and I have to wake up in 5 hours to go to work. The healthy thing to do would be to go to bed yet Im up watching braveheart! My roommate is at the club freaking out cause he thinks his very devoted boyfriend is cheating on him. Really? It seems as though there will be lots of blogging in the time to come. Oh my damn! Fuck it here I go. Im gonna try to sleep now. maybe Ill knock out a few more chapters of my new stephanie meyer book!

                      Kiss Kiss      Catt 
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7/19/2007 - I should be on COPS!
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   Right... so last night my crazy ass sister punched me in the face!! She is now in jail! Crazy ass bitch! But really Its been a while so let me give you the whole story. My sis is 25 yrs. old. 4 weeks ago she gave birth to my beautiful nephew, Avery. There were some complications durring birth and they had to do a emergecy C- Section. It was horrible, and scary. They did'nt know if Avery was going to be ok, or if my sister was going to live through it. After 2 weeks in the ICU Avery was able to go home, and my sister was highly medicated on some very strong pain killers. Did I mention that my sister was addicted to heroin for 2 years and methadone for another 2? Well she cant handly alcohol....at all!! When she drinks she fights with everyone and anyone around her. And when she wakes up the afternoon after she dosent remember a damn thing! Every once in a while she will go off the deepest end. Pissoff every oone she knows and disappear for weeks at a time. Leaving my mother and I to clean up her mess and search to the ends of the earth to find her. All the while trying not to let everyone else in the family whats going on. I know 42 tons of fun right!! Well back to the here and now.... Last night my sister told me she wanted to get a bottle of red wine to make some burgandy mushrooms. Im a asshole! I agree to get the very nice $5 bottle of overpriced yellowtail wine. After we get home to her apartment not even a hour later the whole bottle is gone including the cheap bottle of chard I bought to make piccatta. Now dont get me wrong I know it was stupid to buy it, but its been over a year since one of her episodes. So I didnt really think she would do anything totally retarded, but of coarse I underestimated my darling sister! Not only did she kill all the wine in a little ove a hour, but then shitty drunk wanted to pick up the baby! I was soooo not having that! She couldnt even walk straight! So when she threatened to kick me out of her apartment I woke up her husband. And the shit went down from there! After fighting with her for about 3 hours (her husband and I) She told me that she would give me two choices. 1 I could pack my shit and walk my happy ass to the bus station and go back to Dallas and never speak to her again, or 2 she could call the police and have me thrown out! So what do you think I did? .........................I handed her my cell phone and told her she could call the cops on my phone! I also reminded her that the number was 9-1-1! LOL!!! So then the police came, mind you her husband is fucking pisses! As am I! So we explain what is going on and assure the officer that everything is fine. Then my sis decided to come in the room. Eyes bloodshot to all hell, slurring her words and walking crooked, plays like she didnt call the cops, and has o idea what is going on! I was sad and funny! Really I was just worried about Avery! So before the cop left he asked if there was a safe place the baby could go being that sis was wasted and her hus had to go to work in like 2 hours. So he told the officer that if thingsgotbad and he was gone I was to take the baby to a hotel. And that I had his permission. So then after 2 more hours of trying to get her into bed to sleep it off he had to go to work, but by this time she was just cursing the world and crying about all the injustices of the world blah blah blah.... And this whole time was coming up with weird ass reasons why she needed his keys to the car! So anyway, he left and she was crying and asking where her husband was and when I told he for the 10th time that he went to work she would argue that it was only 2am. And every tie I had to correct her that it was actually 5am. When she suddenly had this great idea that the baby needed to sleep in her bed with her. Despite the fact that she was wasted, and that the baby sleeps in the living room in this swing bed thing everynight! So I didnt let her pick him up, so then she started to scream at me "Dont get between me and my child!!" But shes a good 2 inches shorter than me and still healing from surgery. So I didnt think she would do anything stupid. And again.....It was me that was fucking stupid! So the next thing I know Igot a impressive right hook to the jaw! Im fucking shocked !!!! But Im cool a little really pissed off but my 1st concern is the baby so I dont back down. she didnt like that so she decided to grab my fucking hair and wrestle me on the ground. I didnt want to hurt her and i easily could have. So i called the cops for the 2nd time that evening. Told them what was happening and that i needed help right away. While I was on the phone with them she took the baby to her room and left him alone. Hes fucking 4 weeks old! So I went to the room to check on him, She didnt like that either so she gabbed my hair again and kicked me out of the apartment. I was smart enough to get my cell phone in the struggle. So I called the cops again and updated them on what was happening. I then had 3 cops at the apartment and being sober I had the upperhand in the situation. I honestly didnt think they were going to arrest her, but when they had her sitting in the kitchen in her pajamas and were telling her to put shoes on did I realize what they were doing. I watched my sister get put into a police car and then posed for evidence pictures of my jaw! I was happy that I had at least put on some make-up for the first visit from the cops! She is still in jail. There are actually some funny parts of that night Ill post next entry. I should be on COPS! It was fucked up! But her husband cracked up when I told him she got arrested. But the babys fine and thats all that really matters right now!

Kiss Kiss
      Catt
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2/10/2007 - So much.....
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I love to hate G and I hate to love him. We got in so many fucking fights last night! He just acts like a fucking child all the fucking time! I dont know what to do with him! I love to like Dragon! He wanted to come to Texas. But I told him that I would go to him! I dont really want him to be in texas. So now the plan for the moment is we are gonna go to guam together! Who the hell knows? I have been job hunting online today, ood stuff! My mind just went blank.


            Kiss Kiss Cat
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2/8/2007 - Valentines Day
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My valentine is getting surgery on Valentines day! So I asked him if he wanted to do something before Valentines Day to celebrate? What does he say? "Sure why not" All nonchalant like he dosent give a fuck. And Im like fuck you! What the hell? I dont know whats wrong with me today! I was in a OK mood earlier, I just keep getting pissed off. Maybe it has something to do with Dragon hooking up with his ex-girlfriend! Which I cant really get mad at him cause I have a boyfriend too! But I just miss him so much! I miss everyone so much! My mothers being a bitch! Well everyone can just fuck off!
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2/8/2007 - Walking At Night...............
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      So I walk at night. All the fucking sudden my mother is sooo worried! Whay are you walking at night? Its so dangerous! Maybe that is why I do it! I need to get the fuck outta here! The drama never ends! It just gets worse and worse! I cant stand it here! And it has only been 12 days since I got back! Where should I go? Another country maybe? Russia sounds good!
         Vsya Moya Lubov!        Catt
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2/7/2007 - Dragon
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I dont know what to do! I had this fling with this guy on the ship named Dragon. But when I got home last week my ex boyfriend picked me up from the airport and we picked up right where we left off. We never really broke up but he was in texas while I was in hawaii. So we were talking the other day and he told me he wanted to marry me and I agreed. I lovehim very much and I know we would have a great life together. I miss Dragon so much and he called me today. He handed the phone to my old roomate Sparrow and I told her that I might be getting married. She then told Dragon, when he get back on the phone he was shocked! I dont really blame him. But then he was like "Well in that case I'm not gonna sa what I was about to." So I pushed him to just tell me. And he said that he had been really depressed and been drinking alot and then it just hit him like a train. "I miss my kitty Cat!" He has been depressed because I have been gone and he missed me so much. My heart just melted! I felt like crying right there! I want to be back on the ship so bad! I cant wait to see everyone from the ship again! I dont know what to do! I think I love Dragon! I miss his warm arms wrapped around me holding me tight while we dream together. Cuddling together for even a 30 minute power nap. He made me very happy. I miss him. He wants to come to texas when he leaves the ship. But I dont know what drama that will cause. I dont know what to do!

                  Kiss Kiss         Catt
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2/1/2007 - It has started
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                   I cant stand this place. And they know it. Cause they cant stand me here either. The first day I was back I got a forced pat on the head for loosing a little weight. Iam still pretending that I dont smoke. I have somewhat started looking for a job. I cant wait to get out. But I still dont have a car. Its lucky for me Im no scared of the city bus. Well... not that scared. My three goals for the next month are  1. get a job 2.get a car/ license 3. Get out!! The getting out part might take more than a month. But I can start school in the meantime! But what am I going to choose for school? Russian seems like the best for now. Translate while I go to culinary arts school. I have so many passions. And possibly a future fiance! I did tell him that he needed to ask my uncle for my hand before I could give an answer. But I mean it would be a yes from both of us. Thats if he ever asks me again. I really love him alot. 
        So more about the asshole Step dad....... I was talking about firefighting, and I got a letter of reccomendation from the captain of the ship and the fire fighter. If I choose to I could go to fire training school but the it would only be half as long cause I have over 100 hours of training and volunteer fire fighting. So Asshole then trys to tell me all this bullshit about why firefighters do this and that...Blah blah blah....
I just wanted to tell him to fuck off!! I swear he always makes me look like an idiot, or tries to make it crystal clear that hes smarter than Iam. I dont want to be here more than 3 months. And thats if I can survive that 3 months!! I want a cig so fucking bad right now! I dont know what to do. I just want to get drunk right now. Make me forget where and who I am. 
 
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2/1/2007 - Back in Texas......Again
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     This time I resigned from the ship. 3 fucking months as a trainee while 7 fucking men get promoted over me and then demote me. Fuck that! I might go back to ships, but 6 months without a freakin day off is just sucking my life away! But in the meentime my ex boyfriend and I have been spending alot of time together. He met my parents, and I met his mother. That was so fucked up! Before he had told me that she couldnt wait to meet me and blah blah blah. Yet after I slept over at his house and went down stairs with him to leave.. we run into her!!!! She seems kinda whatever. Not really too pumped to see me in her house, much less meet me for the first time face to face. He tells me that she has never liked any one he has dated. And that she is a really mean woman when it comes to women in her sons life. But its ok cause she will be nice to my face but ask him when hes gonna break up with me or whoever!! Crazy!! I mean I love him and he tells me all the time that he loves me too. But you know how moms can be! And hes an only child! I just want to run the hell away! But hes leaving for 8 weeks to go to training for the coast guard!After that he will get stationed somewhere. And from our conversation the other night it looks like the plan is for me to go with him. Which is fing, great whatever but I just hope its not Alaska. Hell its too fucking cold in Texas. Im gonna die in Alaska. I guess its safe to say we are back together. But although I slept over at his house, we did not have sex. Despite his valiant efforts. I just couldnt have sex with him in his parents house! No matter how cool he said they were!! There was some talk about getting married too. Im not how to go about that. I dont really want to tell anyone, and yet I want to tell everyone! I dont know what to do. For now im just looking for a job so I can save some cash for school. Now I want to be a transulator. Russian and farsi to start with.
 I know Im crazy, but hey its not your problem! LOL! I cant wait to get the fuck out of Texas. I love Texas, but its soooo time for me to move on! And I know Ive only been back for less than a week, but whatever.

        Kiss Kiss Catt
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8/31/2006 - Turn on!!
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So I did something I thought I would never do...I went skinny dipping in my parents pool at night! It was such a turn on!! I wasnt really planning on it. But I felt like taking a dip. So I decided to put on my top and this cute corona cotton skirt I got in cancun. I sometimes wear over my bottoms and swim in.....But this time I didnt wear anything under! and after I got in I just took it all off. It was in reach at all times just in case someone came out. It was exactly what I needed! It totaly cheered me up and turned me on! I just need to find some cute chick to have "fun" with for a few hours! Wish me luck!!

Kiss Kiss                      Catt
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8/31/2006 - Mother F@#&ing Son of a BITCH!!!
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So I mow know why Im not on the ship yet.......The fucking assholes in Miami seemed to forget to tell me that I had to take another drug test. Which would'nt be a problem if it wasnt a huge pain in in ass to get to it cause its in Fort fucking worth! And that I was cleared almost 2 fucking weeks ago!! Iam totaly clean for the drug test but the last time I went it took me like an hour and a half to find the damn place after it had already taken me 3 hours to get there! And its like 100 fucking degrees!! If I had known this earlier I might not be so fucking pissed. But it also takes them like a while to get the results!! I just want to go back to my ship! Not the aloha, not the Hawaii, My fucking Pride of Aloha!!! Why is this so hard? 
  

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8/30/2006 - Skazhi Zachem (Stars)
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Why am I waiting for the phone to ring? Why do silent clouds float towards me from afar then melt? Why didlove touch us? Why am I crying for the first time?Why do I want you now?
I dont know.

Im a star, your a star. We were meant to burnout. Someone handed over and took the address of our meetings. Eyeson the celling and no will discover. Voices crack and the ice breaks. And noones clueless. And I could have gone to bed it is time to switch off and they're at their end. Smile, Unwind. Cloaked mirrors rip apart and say "I died, I died" Lock up and lie becoming nothing. And your hand wont quiver, Everythings OK with my hand. Its possible to get revenge 2 times 2 you jump in the taxi. YOU SUCK And never forgive never ask. Very well, Very well. I've found my revenge. Sugar coat everything. Multiply by six. Dont call,Dont call. Im tired Im tired. I DONT WANT YOU! IM FUCKING SICK OF YOU!!

Why am I waiting for  the phone to ring?  Why do silent clouds float towards me from afar then melt? Why did love touch us?
Why am I crying for the first time? Why do I want you now?
I dont know.


Never anything, nothing to start. Never anyone. Die in silence. Not to search. Not to love. No regrets and no sleep. Never anyone. Noone to set free. Not together. Just to kill watered down dreams. Not yours not mine. Wires here, wires there. Heroin, No pulse.I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Why am I waiting for the phone to ring?
Why do silent  clouds float towards me from afar and melt?
Why did love touch us?
Why am I crying now for the first time?
Why do I want you now?
I dont know.

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8/29/2006 - To my redneck..
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To my former redneck.
    Gomensai, as I have said many times before. I know that it is over. there is no more Us. It is no longer all about us.  And thats OK. I know thats its not just a break. I value the love I have and had for you. You will allways be my redneck. But it was not meant to be forever. I will never forget about how. No. Im not goinginto that. Eto Tema. But I do wish you all the love in the world. I hope for you all the happiness to be had. Even if thats not with me. Good luck with everything. I love you Becca. You were the only one to break th rule. But now the rule is back and now stronger than ever. Goodbye Becca.


For every one else...Gomensai is Japanese for "Im Sorry" And Eto Tema...Look it up on you tube  Its good. But gomensai is better. It used to be all about us. And all for her.

Kiss Kiss
                                  Miscatt
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8/28/2006 - Nothing is What I feel!
Posted in Unspecified

Nothing. As though Im just watcching everything happening. But I dont care any longer to stop or change it. Idont feel happy about things that normaly make smile. But I also cant feel sad about anything either. I dont really know if that is somrthing wrong with me or im just done with it all. J wont return my calls. Our friendship is over. I feel sometimes like it is my fault. Becasuse I introduced her into the life she now lives. Yet I still just dont care. It wasfun when we did it, but I did away with it longago. She hasnot and it now controls her much more than it ever did before. I need to disappear for a while. Find a new name and new life  again. I have done it before. I think its time again. But this one Ill do better than before. Run alittle farther this time around. Who the hell knows? I havent been drinking  at all tonight for those that are wondering.
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This is the journal of a 21 yr. old woman striving to survive her psychotic family, recover from her all too strange relationships, as well as keeping her sanity while deadly DRAMA creeps in every dark shadow!

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