???????????? I want to go back to my ship! And now the redneck is trying to be funny!She went back to the ship about 3 weeks ago and I miss her too much!I cant wait to back to my ship. But the only problem is that she is going to be on a different ship! Well that and the fact that every time I talk to her there is someone new trying to get down her pants or take my side of the bed? And she will tell you I'm pretty violent when it comes to my side of the bed!!! I have been back home for about 3 months now and I am still quite far from being ready to go back to work. Since I was 16, untill now this is the 2nd longest I have ever been out of work. And the other time was because I had just run away from home and I was trying to find somewhere to live longer than a couple days.

I have no worries about her cheating on me at all. I trust her and if she meets some guy while we are apart and she really likes him I would tell her to rock the fuck on!! But I dont want her to meet any other girls to be interested in. Although there arent many I would see as a real threat. And guys are no threat at all to me. I love my Redneck. She keeps me sane.

 ~ Blessed Be ~                                 MisCatt

OUR MOST IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ARE THOSE THAT WHICH CONTRADICT OUR EMOTIONS-

- PAUL VALERY

I dont remember when I was going to put this in, or where I got it, but its good!

            I told her I wasnt mad and that I did'nt want to talk about it. So now shes telling me about everything that she did this weekend!! And shes dosent belive me that I'm OK. But actually I dont really care anymore! I have much bigger things to be pissed about other than the girlfriend person getting drunk and stupid!! Damn she is so fucking funny!! What will I do with all these rednecks!!!

                 At the moment I'm mad at the Girlfriend. Because she is always telling me that when she gets drunk she is way too fucking honest!? So as you can imagine..... she called me a few times this weekend while at some fucking chili redneck drunkfest! And The first day I answered her first few drunk dials cause it was like 9:00 pm!! So after getting really pissed off at the weird ass/ fucked up things she said and not to mention the things I heard! I stopped answering the phone.

So when she started calling again, to avoid a fight, I just turned off the ringer. But I did listen to the voice-mails she left after almost every call. But this thing lasted like 3 days!So nowIts like over and  we still arent talking! I tried calling her but either her phone goes straight to voice-mail, or she "cant talk". What the hell am I gonna do?   Any advice? Anyone?

              ~Blessed Be~

                        MisCatt

Would it work if I shot myseff in the head? In public view? Maybe then they would fucking notice me? But probably not! If anything they would probably just get pissed that I got their cloths dirty! Assholes! Sometimes I feel like Im not even real, that Im just dreaming cause as loud as everyone tells me Iam, no one in my family seems to hear me! Or maybe they just dont give a fuck about what I have to say!

????????? Tonight was my little brothers 20th birthday dinner!?They went out to a nice Persian restaurant and ate some nice food and I just kinda sat at the end of the table and watched them. A few times when I made an attempt to join in the conversation I was not shot down, or given a dirty look, I was just fucking ignored! If ignored is the right word, I mean I really just think they have gotten so used to tuning me out that its not even a problem anymore! But anyway........... Before we left to go the restaurant a few of us were siting in the living room and had a nice chat and listened to the new Cirque du solei soundtrack. All was going welll untill somehow the subject of homosexuality came upon the table! Mind this conversation was being had by myself, my brother and his girlfriend, the step father, and a close?family friend. Now dont get me wrong the family friend is cool as hell, hes really laid back and just has a cool attitude about everything. So anyway my step dad thinks that you are gay when you are born and there nothing you can do about it! Gay is gay and its just all about genetics!! You are just doomed by DNA to be gay or straight! Being a bi-sexual woman my self?I wanted to go?all kinds of Dike on his ass and just bloody him! I also have lots of Gay friends and was really?just?shocked by that!?And everyone else was just like what the fuck are you talking about?

?????? So I was already pissed to begin with! And then @ dinner Iwas like trying to say something to my brother and he was just totaly unresponsive! And I was like?" Well it would be nice if you would listen to me or at least act like you fucking hear me!"? Ok I didnt say "fucking" but the rest is true! And right after I got done rolling my eyes?in his direction ?the family friend(FF) turned to me and said " hey I'm listining to you" and gave me this 'I know what you mean' look! And I just thought that was really fucking cool of him!! So I just talked to him all night. And I usualy dont really like my parents friends cause their just a little too stuffy for my taste, but FF was really cool and nice! Like he got all my jokes and I actually got all of his too! Even the one that my parents totaly didnt have a clue about!So like most of the dinner was enjoyable! Like I actually had a nice time(Not to mention the glass and a half of wine helped alot too!LOL!)?And then he left and I was back in?hell!?Im fucking tired! I'll come back to this later!!

????????

???????????????????????? ~Blessed Be~

??????????????????????????????????? MisCatt

Well I have been in Hawaii for the last 5 months, and now Im back home. Broken. A week before I was supposed to go on vacation I slipped in the galley and busted my ass! Now insted of vacation,? so now I'm on medical leave, on vacation! It sucks but its nice to be home. Although I can barely walk, I have constant?headachs and untill last week I couldn't move my right arm with out extreme pain!! But its cool, cuz im getting paid! So this is week 4 of my vacation/ med leave, and the 1st week I went to the doctor and set up all of my shit with the company. But the second week I went back to San Antonio spent lots of money, saw lots of friends and got into lots of trouble, but I'll save that for another paragraph.And this last week I went to Taos NM and went skiing with my family for spring break. And although my friends begged me to stay and hang with them and another opted for me?to stay back a few days and drive up with my best friend. But no?I didnt listen and I went up with my family against my friends begging and look what happened!?! On the first day I busted my ass once again breaking this assholes fall and fucked up my knee even more and spent the whole week in bed alone, in a fucking cabin in cold ass NM! But its cool cause I'm not paying for the doctor bills, the company I work for is cause I broke myself on the clock on the ship! Fuck em! o now Im back to my journal trying to update it with all the juicy stories from the cruise ship!?6months of working every single day 70 hours at work under constant supervision from security and other crew members and I cant wait to go back!! Spicy stories to come!!?

            ~ Blessed Be~

                          MisCatt

Ok,so the last entry was kinda weird, but the computer I was on was kinda funky! I was in Maryland doing training for the cruise line job I got. I was ther for 3 weeks and loved it! I made tons of great friends and had an awsome time!

The training was to get my MMD. It is a license to work on a merchant ship in the U.S. Along with the people for the cruise line, there were people there training to work on comercial vessels. And also some were ther to get additional training to upgrade in there field on the ship. They were called upgraders, and the others were cadets. We were not allowed to talk to the cadets. aAnd if we did we would be kicked out of traing, and be fired from NCL. NCL is the company Im working for. Well, one day I was in the gym and this really hot guy came up to me in normal cloths and told me his name was RJ. We chated for a moment and then he told me "you know your not supposed to talk to me right?" I was shocked! I thought he was with NCL. Hell no! He was one of the cadets! A damn hot one too!!LOL So I excused my self and left to do my workout. 

         You know it cant just end there! The Cadets lived in roms with 20 other guys and in a closed off section of the building. They were like on lock down. And also if they were caught talking to us they would be kicked out as well!

So later that night, my roommate and I walked down our hallway to get a soda and BAM! Just happened to run right into him and one of his buddys. So being the nice person that I am I invited him and his friend out to out balcony to smoke and have a chat. More to come!

Well where to begin?

              Lets start where I left off last, I had just turned 21. Happy birthday to me!! I had a job working at a horrible country club. Where the members were almost as stupid as the employees!! And just recently they closed the dinning room at night and let go of the night crew!! Belive me when I say it was not an unpleasent parting!!

     But all is well in paradise at the moment because in about a week and a half I should be leaving for hawaii!!! I have been hired on a cruise line touring the hawaiian islands!!  Also my best friend Butter was hired as well!! She has already left for training in Maryland, but I should be joining her very soon!! Thats about all for the moment but later tonight I will be back will all the dirty details of whats really been going on for th past two months!! Thats gonna be a hella long entry!!!

         But before I go I have to make a sout out to my boy DJ!! If you are reading this... I miss you!! And also I lost my cell phone and everyones # that I had in it so give me a call and tell me how your doing or e-mail me, or hell just post a comment!!

         ~Blessed Be~             MisCatt 

              If anyone really understands this please comment!!

                                            Music is moral law.

                      It gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind,

flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness and a gaiety and life to everything. 

    It is the essence of order and leads to all that is good, true and beautiful.

                                                     Plato

Cant write much at the moment.... I have a shadow lurking right now, but I'll be back tonight!!

           Pleasantries, Pleasentries!!

                   ~Blessed Be~                    MisCatt

OK, so on tuesday nights me and a bunch of my friends from ex-work all get together and have a poker night at Texas and B Bops house. It starts at 11:00. And at 9:00 its happy hour at the restaurant so Texan and B Bop and I along with whoever else is off all go up there at 9:00 and have dinner together before the game starts to just hang out and remind everybody its that time again!

So last night my Mother dropped me off at the restaurant about 9:30 and I went to join my friends at our usual table and whatever, right?

So I sit down and give my greetings to everybody when the asshole manager comes over and says he needs to speak with me! So I get up and make a joke that even though I no longer work there I'm still getting into trouble!! LOL! Right!

He tells me that I cannot come into the restaurant anymore because I make people uncomfortable!! I asked him who, and he would'nt tell me! So I agreed to leave and when I went back to our table and told my friends what had happened the assured me that he was just messing with me and that he could'nt really kick me out. So I went to smoke a cig outside and as I wa walking out he was standing by the door and told me thank you!!

What the fuck ever!!

So I went outside and my friend M came outside and told me that when they got there Sushi was at the oyster bar in the front and they told him I was coming in for dinner. For some reason unknown to me hes mad at me and wont talk to me. So when he heard that he freaked out and ran to the back and asked the other chef to close the oyster bar for him. Whatever I didnt go up there to see him I wasnt even going to talk to him!! But somehow the asshole caught wind of the situation and then asked me to leave. About a week ago Sushi ased me to think about dating him again, but he wanted me to think about it and get back to him! We were becoming really good friends up untill that point. And I told him that I didnt see him in that way and I liked being friends. I mean we started hanging out alot together. So I guess thats why hes so pissed. But whatever!

     So I finished my cig and went back inside to order and the asshole was gone from the front. But about 2 minutes after I sat down

he came over and asked me to leave again! I just laughed along with the rest of my friends and told him he couldnt kick me out. He then said " You can leave right now, or I can call security and they can escort you out, its your call".

        So I got up as my blood boiled in my veins and went to the restaurant next door and had a glass of wine while I waited for my friends to finish their dinner!!  I called Sushi and of coarse he didnt answer his phone but I left him a message informing him of what had just happened and how childish he is being. Its one thing to be mad at me but thats pretty fucking extreme to have me thrown out of a restaurant, when I never even saw you!!

           Please comment, tell me Im not crazy!!!

                              ~Blessed Be~                            MisCatt

My friend B Bop and I went to Alkaline Trio on monday!

For those of you who have been deprived of good music,

Or just cursed with horrible taste...

Alkaline Trio is a fucking Bad Ass band!!!

So anyway...

They put on a fucking awsome show!!!!

Somehow we actually made it to the front row!

We were also drenched in sweat and beer getting our asses

Kicked by the opening bands mosh pit but it was all worth it!!

They played at a place called The Gypsy Tea Room.

Cool ass place but hard core!!

There was a fire there some years back so there was no

Smoking in the ballroom.

Ok whatever, we could still go into the Tea Room in the back and smoke.

If your over 21!

So I was fucked.

I would have just lit up despite their fucked up rules,

But they seriously had over 30 security guards walking around.

A guard at every door, including the bathroom, and a closed off section of the ballroom where you could drink.

I only have 10 days untill my 21st B-Day.

Usually when people look at my I.D. they are like "OK 21".

Not here.

It took me a full day to get my hearing back,

But I'm still really fucking sore!!!

I'll tell the rest of the story about Trio MisCatt and B Bop once I get home.

                ~Blessed Be~        MisCatt 

Ok, so I lost my job a week ago.

So I have been going crazy in my house even more since.

Any chance I get to get the hell away from them

I jump at no matter what it is.

    So I was going to my friends battle of the bands final yesterday,

     I was almost ready to go and I went into my mothers room to give her something,

      And here comes the asshole Step father.

       And he asks me where I'm going.

        I have only been talking about this show for like 2 months!

And then starts bitching about how I'm never here and I never do anything FOR the family!

And i'm never home,

I'm not doing the things that I came to dallas to do.

All I do is work and go out with my friends.

He never know when Im home or if Im coming home at all!

 And he hates having to think about me and wonder where Iam!

Fuck off!!

DICK!!

       And what is my Mother doing while Iam getting torn to pieces by her asshole abusive husband?

Siting on her bed and reading the paper!!!

               I never got my drivers license. I have been moving so much for the past 4-5 years that I never had the

                     time or the money to even dream about getting a car.

So that was one thing I wass going to do when I moved to dallas.

        Iam currently going to Drivers ED. And saving up for a car right now.

I also never graduated high school.

So I was going to work on my G.E.D.

I have my books sitting on my coffee table in my room right now.

I take my test in 3 weeks!

 After that I am going to enroll myself in massage school.

Those were the only things we agreed upon me living their house was.

Also he is getting pissed off when I turn the AC down.

It is very humid in texas at this time.

       He keeps it on fucking 80.

                      I'm not crazy!

                ~Blessed Be~                            MisCatt 

Is anything for real! Love? Life? Pain?

                     Strange things are happening as always..........But now its starting to get on my

 nerves!               I need to get away from Dallas!

          I never should have come back!             

                                                  Is that real enough for you?

Dont be scared! Why stay anonymus?

              ~Blessed Be~                   MisCatt

She is a trophy wife for my step-dad.

He is from Iran and she looks like the Queen of the Arian race.

Slender, natural blonde hair, ocean blue eyes.

Its fucked up.

I sometimes wonder what made her give up her soul for a comfortable life.

From what people have told me about her younger self she seems like a different person.                                

I think I would have liked her.

When we were kids there was some of that person left in her, she was fun back then.

 She was more human back then.

Is tragic when women become doll like.

 And less mother like.

Just another lesson.

 Yet one more pain to endure.

But willingly as always.

                     Its the pain that makes us strong.

        What dosent kill you..........

I miss her.

                           I think she does too.

        ~Blessed Be~        MisCatt                          

        I have lived in Arizona, Nevada, Dallas, San Antonio, L.A.

 And I have found nothing. Iam searching for my home. Not where I grew up but where I belong.

                    A place for me to be happy.

          Once I move somewhere I get a job make friends, blah blah blah. Untill one day I wake up and just kind know its time to move on. And once I leave a place I can never go back.

     Thats why I shouldnt have come back to Dallas, and why I can never move back to San Antonio.  I have many friends in these places and many of them I still keep in touch with but they know I will never be with them again. I have already done what I need to do in Dallas, I have already influenced the people I was supposed to.Been influenced by those who have also molded me into the person I am today. And now that I have come back its not right.

                                                                      I think I am gonna go to the mountains. Some where north. But For now I have to plan my great escape from my parents, and family. Thats not going to be easy. I dont want to be kicked out of the family, but I want to leave at the same time.                                                                           You would think this would be easy.

              Although parents are not my first priority.

Any suggestions on where to go are welcome.

               ~Blessed Be~                      MisCatt                                                              

       So much has happened. So much blood. So much for anything.

It has been about 2 weeks of tears, blood, pain, and coffee.

     After going back to San Antonio for a simple task of taking my stuff out of storage, and bring it back to Dallas.

  But nothing can go as planned in my life. It just wouldnt be natural.

                      And now nothing seems the same.

               Everything has taken on a darker light.

       A dull black glow.

                                        I can never go back now.

And there is my step-father never pausing to remind me of how useless I am.

          And how I am not any king of asset to anyone or anything.

                                               Then why the fuck am  I here at all?

  Why should I stay?                   But thats only when they happen to notice me at all!

I feel as if Iam invisable. They cannot see me, nor my so called "friends". Or even the mindless strangers I happen to pass on the dirty streets of this ghost town.

                  Funny.

                                      Normaly people scream when they see blood.

  No one seems to see my blood.

         Not the blood that constantly fills my mouth with that metallic taste.

There is blood on my face, and filling my eyes.

                      Running down my body in dark crimson rivers, never ending, never begining.

   It feels like silk as it slides down my arems in a warm bath of pain and memory.

          But noone sees it.

                        The morbid beauty of it all, the humor in it all.

                                                                                                           But I do.

~Blessed Be~                                                                                                           MisCatt

No, really. what the fuck is going on?

             I dont understand this at all!

    I need to leave before anything else changes!

                                   Later

            ~Blessed Be~                       MisCatt

well im back...... again. explain later