I do NOT want to be here. I am NOT in the mood. I just jumped on someone for something stupid.   I dread telling CW. I seriously do. My thoughts are scattered. My foot hurts. I cringe whenever I see someone walk up to my desk because I know they have MORE work for me.

Oh man! I´m fuckin loosin it. I just jumped on the lady that answers the phone at my psyc dr and the lady that I need a letter from. I am so tired and down and depressed. I hate this. I do not want to be here, I´m perfectly fine at home.

I just went to my boss about needing Wed afternoon off for a nut class. I also have an appt in the morning so I wanted to take the day off. She very rudely told me that I´d HAVE to work because I don´t have any PTO time and we have next Monday off already. It sure solves the problem for me of weather to take off or not.  I will not feel guilty. I have to take this time off and assess where I am. I have to get my feet back under me. I have to. Hubby makes me nervous with his job. We will have to have the insurance. I´m scared and stressed and feel like crying. I know I miss a lot of work but, I can´t help it. I seriously can´t.  

I feel very sleepy today. It´s raining and we went out of town and I´m tired. We had a really good time though. The in-laws drank every night, and I felt very self conscious smoking in the car. They smoke but man! You light up a cigarette and they crack a window like no one´s ever smoked in there before. They aren´t gamblers like hubby and I and they cut into our gambling time quite a bit. We´ve talked and the next trip we are going to just go alone.

I am so sick of my house. It smells like dog, it´s just ugly and filthy. I am going to work for 15 min a day only on that front room. Niece has a volley-ball tournament in Dumas Sat and I´d like to go but, it´s going to cut into my cleaning schedule. I will work hard at getting the cleaning done during the week. I may just have to do it on Sunday. I have a TON of laundry to do so, after hubby gets gone this evening, I may at least get a load washed. One a night will help.

I want to clean that living room, get the walls cleaned, the windows cleaned and the curtains and blinds bought. Then I want to move the furniture around, get rid of anything that collects clutter and paint. That´s the one room I´m going to concentrate on BIG TIME. I think that if I can get my schedule straight, I can work 15 mins a day on that front room. Then clean house on Saturdays and work on the "Big" list on Sundays. I need to make a list.

I have to stay off that fuckin computer and turn the TV off. I could sit at the table after I get home or outside in between cleaning. I have to start coming in and eating dinner which means cooking. I just have to MAKE myself do it.

Guess I´d better get back to work. Bye

I had a pretty good but, boring, weekend. Hubby was in just long enough to annoy the shit out of me. I got more housework done. I did laundry yeterday but it's was cloudy most of the day and I have quite a few clothes that didnt' get dry on the line. Will have to give that another shot this evening.

Back to work this morning. I didnt' really fight coming in, and am not really fighting staying. I wish I weren't here but, so far it's not as bad. I'm gonna just have to condiser those panic attacks and use my xanax when I do that. This week, I am going to face head on those things  I am dreadign doing. i am going to push through those palnt ops books this afternoon and work until I'm finished.

I have a blister on my foot. I didn't even know it was there. it has popped and I didn't even know. That really scares me. I go to see that dr this week about the weight loss surgery and am going back and forth between the lapband and rny. I hate the thoughts of how strict it is with the rny but, am afraid the lapband won't really help me in the long run. I dont' eat because I'm hungry a lot of the time. The rny would immediately stop the diabetes which is out of control right now and I would loose the weight quicker. Could I be happy for the rest of my life not being able to have a piece of candy? Never being able to eat like a normal person? I just don't know. I have researched both options and know all the pros and cons. Im just not sure which is right for me.

I wrote this earlier but, I'm still pissed and hurt over it. I had an appointment with my therapist and I really REALLY needed to talk to her. Last time, when I showed up for my appointment, she told me that she was ill and needed to leave. So, I didn't have my session. So, I show up today and I'm told that she had blocked off her morning and wasn't there. Someone should have called me, he says. Damn right someone should have called me! It  just left me feeling so down and hurt and like I don't matter. I am having such a hard time right now and the last thing I need is more frustration and hurt feelings but, that's exactly what I got. So, later this afternoon hubby calls and my therapist had left me a voicemail on his phone.Wait! 1st, this girl from her office calls to confirm my appointment for TOMORROW!!! I told her that I didn't have an appointment tomorrow, it was today. Anyway, she leaves this voicemail and apologizes and offers me an appointment, they'll move other people around, whatever I need. She apologized. He apologized. They didn't mean to hurt me but, they did. I don't want another appointment. I'm pissed and hurt and I can't even cry about it. I feel like I"m standing on the edge and there's nothing I can do about it. It literally takes all... ALL.. of my emotional energy to go to work everyday that I do and stay there. I don't have the energy to deal with this other bullshit. I like my job. I like the people that I work for and with. I don't understand why this is so hard. Why can't I go and enjoy this? Instead I hate it! I hate every minute of it! Hell! I'd call in more but I can't stand the dissapointment that I hear in C's voice when I do. I am miserable and there is nothing I can do about it. I so wanted to talk to D about it today. Maybe she could help me sort it out, but I couldn't even do that. I have no one else to really talk to. My "best-friend" J just goes on and on about her life and problems, yet never asks about  me or my day. Hubby will listen, but not really. Mom thinks I am being a baby. I just have no one. I am so lonely and alone and isolated. I feel so djected and unloved. Like I'm supposed to be worth the time and energy. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I hate it. I wish I could cry and scream and throw a fit like when I was a kid. I do it on the inside.  It rarely helps. Maybe if I went crazy and ape shit someone would take me seriously. It's all about what I can do for others. I don't have much else to give. I heard a story once about this man that would pull off a piece of himself and hand it to every person that passed through his life. Someone finally asked him how he remained whole by doing this. His response was that they left a piece of themselves with him as well. I think it was meant to make people feel better, but not me. It left me thinking about all of the times that I give and give and give only to be left with nothing in the end. It's never good enough. I am never good enough for anyone at anything. For a while, maybe. But, for the most part, I am only left with holes. What's that song by Creed?

I'm six feet from the edge and I"m thinkin 6 ft ain't  so far down.

Well, it's been an alright day so far. I wasn't paying attention this  morning and almost poured my cereal into my water. LOL 

Once again, I have a case of the "Don't Wannas". I slept Ok, nto really tireed, dont feel bad, just dont' wanna.  I go to see my therapist today. every other thurdsay. last time she was sick and I didn't get to have a session. That was the day before my liver biopsy. There is so much that goes on in my head that I am not sure where to start with her a lot of times. I tell you though, I wish I were at home today. I'm sick to fucking death of having to get up and come into this place every day. I hate having to put on makeup, get dressed up, come in here and work. I hate it. I hate having to go outside to smoke, go all the way down to the units to clock in and out. This fucking office is too hot all the time. I'm tired of employees that come in here to tell me their troubles. I don't care, honestly. I don't want to listen to it. I just want to go h ome. Not too much to ask. I wonder what I would have to do to get a leave of absence. I have that disability that I have paid for.

MY GOD!!! I can't belive that it's only 9:30. I swear! it was 9:15 an hour ago. The fucking clock just won't move! It flies when I'm home. I hate this!! I truly do.

I'm tired and don't feel well today. I feel very draggy and wish I could go home and lay down. But, I can't. I have a ton of things to do and dont' want to do any of them. I don't understand half of what I am supposed to be  doing. I feel like i've been thrown into the ocean and they are yelling at me "Swim!" Wave after wave keeps pulling me under and I can't catch m y breath. Hubby was home last night, for a while. He left at about 1130. After eating and having sex. i feel like a pit stop.

I am also depressed today. I have been anxious all morning. I have a pit in my gut and just don't feel right. It's days like this that make me wish I were a housewife. Does he make enough money? Hell no! I wish he did. I can't even get him to stay with a job long enough to get insurance started. I'm afraid to give up my job.

Only 7 hours and I can go home. Ihave leftover spagetti for dinner, need to pick up after him and then I may just go to bed. I don't know.

Oh! What a day already and it's only 1. I was on the phones this morning, typed up the minutes from that long meeting last week and it like to have drove me crazy. That phone rang every 2 minutes. Just hard to get anything done. Then, i go to lunch, talked to hubby for a while, then my cousin. When I was walking back in, there was a patient laying in the driveway with her leg from the knee down twisted the opposite direction. She had gone outside to see if someone was here and her wheelchair started to roll and she couldn't stop it. When it went over the curb, it dumped her out. I think otherwise, she's OK but MAN! You know that fuckin hurts!

Anyway, i did A LOT around the hosue this weekend and have only the living room to complete. Hopefully, next saturday the process won't take so long and I can get started on other things. I need to make a list of what all I'd like to do room- by- room. I may do that tonight.

Anyway, i'd better get busy.

My great nephew (by marriage) is here and driving me crazy. His mother, him and his brother moved in across the street from me. My mom in law lives next door. That's A LOT of family. This kid hasn't shut up since he walked in the door and, I'm not a kid person. But, I feel sorry for him and his brother. Their mom isn't a very good mother and I think they are neglected. They're pretty sweet kids, I guess. Just make me nervous cuz I"m not used to being around them.

Whew! He went home to "check on" his mother. I am so hungry. I cleaned on this house for 6 hours. I never did get to the livingroom though. I have the bedding hanging out drying and I have to go to the store before I can do more laundry. Shit! He's back. I wish the remote to that back TV worked. I'd send him back there. Oh well! Guess I"d better go.

This afternoon is dragging. I am so bored. i have a ton of stuff that has to get done, and I can't seem to conceentrate on any of it. I am about to go take a break and will put my nose to the grindstone when i get back. Maybe that will speed things up. I hope so. I talked to hubby, talked to j, talked to mom, I've surfed and read all of the news, visited with Jen and C. I have stuff to do. I'm still bored. I am trying to kill time for 8 more minutes cuz if I go out to smoke now, it will really seem like it's dragging . Maybe I'll go do that inspection.

I have done my inspection, finished entering those invoices, entered the fim scores, checked the OP procedure log, gone to smoke and I'm STILL bored and it's still not 5 yet!

I have found a place that will loan me money on my car. $1200. That, along with our paychecks should work.I guess I can get my list made out for next week. That should take all of 3 mins. It's 10 after 4. I could do with a little daydreaming. I hope the boys dont' come over tonight. I ain't in the mood. I feel sorry for them, but I need my own time. I will just shut the door when I go home and not answer it. I want to watch movies, play my game, listen to music. In the morning, I am going to sleep in, drink coffee. The, at noon, I am going to clean house and start laundry. I may have figured out a way to get ahead of that house. I remember cleaning my apartment once a week when I lived alone. At least when I was 20. I'd clean on my day off and my place looked pretty good most of the time. I have just gotten lazy and it's time it stopped. I CAN do this. The first time will be the worst. This weekend, it may take me longer, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I think I will clear my dining room table this evening and that way i can sit at the table. I do more that way. Play my music and clean. Things to do:

1. Sweep/Mop Kitchen and Bath
2. Clean Kitchen
3. Carry trash
4. vaccuum
5. clean bath
6. dust
7. straighten lr/dr/br/back room
8. make bed
9. laundry

Once I get used to it, and start getting other things done, it won't be so bad. I need a routine. I need a cleaner house.

ahhhh. finally! friday! I will be off work in 7 hr and 42 mins and I am so happy. I have paid bills, paid ebay and have enough money to go to lunch. VERY GOOD! My legs are already hurting this morning, but otherwise, I feel good. I think I'm going to write in myToday Journal in a little while. After those meetings yesterday, 3 of them, Ihave a ton of stuff to do, but after lunch I will be in my office and will buckle down and get it done.

I have decided that tomorrow at noon (that's my deadline) I am going to clean house. By this I mean, clean the kitchen, bathroom, back room, diningroom living room and bedroom. I will wash dishes, sweep, mop, vaccuum, carry trash, dust and straighten around teh big stuff. I am going to start on my laundry after I get the floors done, and I am going to do this everyweek. Then, I can concentrate on the buig stuff like, cleaning that front room, moving the x-mas decorations, stuff like that. I am tired of living in filfth and if I can make it better I am gong to.