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| If I can get through the rest of the day, without accomplishing anything it will be a record. I have accomplished SHIT all day. Have done nothing. I have eaten, smoked and bitched A LOT! that's it! |
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I am so freakin bored. I have stuff to do, but don't want to do it. I wish I were at home, maybe I'd clean house. I don't know. I just know that I have covered all of my extra stuff.. reading all of the news online.. and now I am bored. I can't go smoke for 30 mins. I was supposed to wake my husband up this AM but i can't get ahold of him. I hate that. I have tried to call him for 2 hours and I'm tired of it. I'm actually rather bitchy about it. I'm just in a mood. I came in this morning and L was in the dining room "volunteering" so I had to answer the phones. Then when I went down there, there were 2 nurses sitting on their asses while she did their work. Pissed me off. I talked to J last night and she is so back and forth on B. I have been there, and I understand it. But, I don't like it. Maybe it's because I see it in myself. They say that when you look at another person, they are a mirror to youself. what you like and dislike about them is also what you like and dislike about yourself. I don't like her being wishy washy because I dont' like that in myself. I don't like L beig passive aggresive because I don't like that in myself. I like C's straight forwardness because i like that in myself. I sure wish I'd hear something on that biopsy. Maybe I will call real quick. OK. I called then went to smoke. The results are in, but the lady I spoke with isn't a nurse so she will have someone call me. I hate the waiting. I'm 99% sure that everything is ok, but the waiting. I was pretty sure that I didn't have cancer in my thyroid as well and look where it got me. I think I'm gonna research one more time the symptoms and MAKE SURE I don't have them.
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C seems to be in a mood today and I isn't even answering my e-mail. Oh well. I'll take it till I can't. I slept very well last night and only wish I could be home working on my house. Why is it that when I am mentally ready to work on it, I physically and vice versa? I went to neice in laws sat night and her house was so clean and decorated and looked so nice. I am tired of living like a pig, but have felt this way before. I HAVE to get something done to this house. I can't life for 1 week, but by next weekend, I should be able to clean. We leave on vacation in 18 days and have NO MONEY. If we dont sell the scout or the truck I guess I'll have to get a title loan on my car. don't knwo what else to do. But, it'll cost me 300 a month to pay it back. over 6 months, i'll pay over 700 in interest on a 1000 loan. If I miss a payment, they take my car. I'm ready to go smoke, but the clock isn't. I want to wait until 10. I did get all of the dishes washed yesteday and got my movies watched and put them in the mail this morning. TJ bought me a beautiful sapphire necklace. I don't understand why though. I love this woman and have always considered her my friend, but she went years not answering the phone for me, not stopping by to say Hi, not returning my calls. I will never understand. She didn't even come to my shower. Now, she waltzes in here this morning after buying me a necklace? It's just odd. Anyway. Guess I"d better get back to work. |
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| I am very anxious today. I am worried about money. Money to pay bills, go on this trip, buy groceries and cigarettes. I was supposed to pay my phone bill today, but can't and there is nothing I can do about it. I wrote a check for rx that bounced and they haven't sent it back through so I am wondering if I should use the money that I have saved in the bank to cover that for the phone bill and just don't have the answer. I am tired and depressed. that liver biopsy hurt. I am going to neice in laws for a cookout tonight and dont really feel like it. I have made such a big deal about not being invited that I feel I have to go. I didn't get to talk to D this week, she was sick. I just wish I felt better. Maybe getting out tonight will help. I hope so. |
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| I woke up this morning feelign pretty good. I slept well and then all of the sudden I am so tired. I'm depressed and I'm tired of worrying about money. I feel some days that I can't go on with it all. Everyone wants money from me. We are supposed to go on vacation in less than a month and i have no idea where we are going to get the extra money. I'm so close to giving up. So close. I am supposed to be thinking positive, and I do try. I just feel so bad. I wish I could leave early and go home and go to bed. I was talking to hubby last night about quitting and he didn't come right out and ay it, but he doesn't want me to quit. Kept making comments like he's like to quit and stay home.. stuff like that. I am dreading this biopsy tomorrow. E is staying the night in case anything goes wrong. It's nice of her to do it. I just want to sleep. I have to pick up the trash that the dogs got into in the back room tonight. I have to carry it and really need to do dishes. I don't knwo where I will get the energy. I want to go to C and tell her t hat I am so tired, I'm hurting and would like to take the rest of the day off. She'll let me, but i know what she will be thinking. Everyone is tired, others are hurting and they manage to work. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish I cuold take about 6-8 weeks off on my disability insurance. I can't though. I dont' qualify for FMLA yet and the COBRA would kill us. I want to cry, but can't. I will just have to make it through until 5. I feel like no one understands me. Or they don't care. I am tired. Tired of working when I feel bad, tired of the house being a mess, tired of not feeling like cleaning it. I live like a pig because I dont' feel well enough to get up and clean it. It's embarasssing. It smells and there's trash everywhere. No one.. NO ONE helps me. I go see D in about 30 mins and maybe talking to her will make me feel better. I don't know. I can tell that C is not happy with me when I miss work. There have been a few times that I could help it, but most times, I have had appts or been sick. I should have kept count. But I already know that I am way over the count. Maybe I will get a dr note for being out. I don't know. |
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My day is better today. I am going by my gyno's office and getting some samples of hormones and ins has apprvd to pay for another month, which I can pick up Friday. I will send off RX tomorrow for hubby and i. He is here today. I will get to see him long enough to have dinner. I know he wants to have sex, but I ain't in the humor. I have to go at lunch and have blood work done for that biopsy Friday. My brain is fuzzy and out of sorts, but that seems to be a common theme lately. I think I am going to have to work the phones this afternoon, but it's OK. I have lots I can do up there. I have a huge case of the "I don't give a shit" today. I hate that my house is such a mess and I also hate that I don't want to do anything about it. I HAVE to get it at least straightened up, trash, dishes tonight and tomorrow. I think I am going to see if Erica will stay with me, just to have someone there in case. I think she will. I am going to put the dogs outside that morning, then leave them in the back room for a couple of days.
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Jen wanted a girl to work the phones tomorrow, because we are low on patients and such. So I told C that I would be happy to take a day off, if it would help, but that I was already off Friday and didn't really have the PTO to cover both days. She said to see what Mike says, and J e-mailed him. Well, apparently C & J had their own little conversation going and this is what was said: Due to the time she has been off in the recent past, I thinks she needs to work. Just my thoughts This is what C wrote to her. How is it her right to say something like this? I really want to quit and maybe go part time here or somewhere else or not at all. I am so tired all the time, I never feel good, even when I do manage to drag my ass in here. I am just very rattled over this. I am going to have this biopsy and that surgery and then I am outta here. Hubby better like his job. I just want to cry. Why did she have to say something like that to J? I work hard for C and have always been happy to do more than my share, as long as it helps someone. My feelings are hurt, once again, and I feel unappreciated and unwanted. I knew how she felt because she has jumped on me before when I really don't feel like I deserved it. This just tells me that I am unreliable, and will be stuck on the phones all afternoon for the rest of the time that I work here. I'm so tired of all of it. i dont want to work. i really don't. Just opens up more ways for people to hurt you. I want to stay home, sleep in and watch TV all day. Clean my house and maybe... MAYBE get to feelings better. Will I ever truly get rested? I dont' know. I can tell you now, I will not bust my ass to make up any time, I will try not to feel guilty when I have to take off or go to a Dr appt. I have worked hard for these people, and this.. THIS, is the thanks I get? Fuck them! They are as bad as Accolade. I worked my ass off there too and it got me south of no where. Next summer, I will hang out at the water park, swim in my own pool, go to bed when I get ready and get up when I get ready. i will keep my house clean and not have this stress. I will figure out a way to do it. Maybe E-Bay. I could do that, Just need to buya camera. I'd better go. Will write again tonight.. Maybe |
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| I am not having a good day. I am not having a bad day. My feelings are still hurt and I am very alone. Hubby still hasn´t apologized to me and J, well, I don´t´ know what to say about J. She never answered that text, but at about 6 or so last night started texting me. I finally called her and she never did ask me what happened. There were no words of; I´m here if you need to talk. Just bitched about her bf. I talked to hubby a few times and he is already bitching about this company. I listen to him bitch, but I am alone in my problems. It really makes me sad. Turbo has gotten into the trash the past two days and apparently it´s my own fault for giving him the opportunity to do so. My house is a disaster and I can´t seem to get myself off my ass to clean it up. I don´t´ want to do anything and I am ashamed. I need to get it at least straightened up before that liver biopsy. I know I won´t feel like doing anything after that. Sis will take me, and if it doesn´t run to late, she will stay with me and take me home. If it does run late, Mom says that she will come give me a ride. Heaven forbid that she take off work to be with me, maybe stay with me when I go home. Can´t have that. I want to cry, but can´t. I want to leave and go home and sleep, but I can´t. I want to quit and stay home, but I can´t. I am so tired that I can´t even explain it. I hurt everyday and it´s nothing. I am depressed and no one cares. J sent me an e-mail that she´s thinking about killing herself. I know how she feels. I think about it often too. Will it ever get better? Will I ever be consistently happy? I want it to be opposite of what I have now. I want to be happy most of the time, have things go right most of the time and the bead stuff is short-lived, few and far between. |
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| Well, he called and I didn't answer. He left me a voice mail that he wants to talk. I am being stubborn and dont' want to talk. I am still hurt and angry. I feel like he meant what he said and wasn't joking. I understand where it is coming from. I DO bitch a lot. But, I thought that since he was my husband, I could "bitch" to him , but apparently I was mistaken. He doesn't want to listen to me, mom doesn't want to listen to me, J doesn't want to listen to me and sis doesn't want to listen to me. I don't want to start crying and it's time to go. Bye |
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So, the more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. So, i call him and tell him that his comment hurt my feelings. His reply? He was only joking. He shouldn't have said it. I think he was serious. I know he was and it tears right through me. Even if he was joking, there's a lot of truth in jokes. But, he wasn't. I know him and he was serious. Like I said earlier, he won't have to worry about me "bitching" to him anymore. He couldn't even stay on the phone, didn't apologize. I just don't matter. |
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Well, myhusband just hurt my feelings. I was talking to him about my hormones and said something about not being mean to him when I don't have them. He says that I'm not, but I bitch about everything else. Why did he have to say that? I can tell you this. He won't have to worry about it again. I guess that when I'm stressed or have a problem, there just isn't anyone that I can go to. He is supposed to be the ONE person in my life that I can talk to (or bitch to) about anything, but once again I have been shown just how alone I am. Everyone wants from me, but there is not one person in my life that is willing to let me want from them. If I do, ever, it is shown to me as a weakness. Like a pain in the ass. I hate that and it's left me feeling very unloved, unwanted and very in the way. I will just have to keep my mouth shut from now on. Stick to myself and shut up. I swear when I get off work I am going home to do a few things (I have a small list) and then I am going to take a shsower and go to bed. I don't care if it's 8 o'clock. Maybe if I sleep a lot, one day, when I wake up things will be better. I'm so depressed and tired.
HOLY SHIT! I AM STUPID! J sent me a text and I replied back that hubby had hurt my feelings and that I 'd be glad when this day was over. You know what she said? Did she say I'm sorry? Did she say he shouldn't have dont that? Did she say everything would be ok? NONONONONO!!! She said NOTHING!!!!! Nada. She never even answered me. WTF? I KNEW better! I fucking KNEW better! I am supposed to call her when I get home from work so that SHE can talk about HER problems BUT!!!! She can kiss my ass today. I ain't talkin to nobody tonight. I am not answering the phone for any of these people. I want to fucking throw myself in the floor and start sreaming and crying like a little kid!!!
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I don't know what to do today. I need so desperately to clean house, but I want to go to the water park and relax. I wish I could come in and the house would magically be cleaned and in order, but that ain't gonna happen. The dogs have been outside all day, I need to go to Walmart and at least get dog food, but I doubt it will happen today. Maybe I will switch out the laundry before I go, then when i get in I can do dishes and start picking up the trash.
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I have had a MUCH better day. I have stayed in my "happy place" most of the day. I am going to buy Lotto tickets when I get off work so that we can go ahead and win Friday night. I am excited about getting off work and going home. My tasks for tonight are 1. Pick up poop 2. Wash Dishes 3. Laundry- Fold dry clothes dry wet clothes wash dirty clothes I need to cook some veggies to go with dinner. I am going to eat that leftover shrimp. Tomorrow night I will pick up and carry trash and finish my laundry. I may go to the water park alone saturday. I think I'd like that and if I get stuff done around the house I can do that. I have had a really good day. I wrote about my new life and can't wait for it to begin. I need to look at houses. We are going to have to move somewhere after we get our money. |
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I am just sick No more complaining. For every negative thing I think about myself, I have to correct the thought and name 2 other things that are positive about me. I will correct my negative thought about everything and begin to live my life. I feel GOOD! I slept well and and excited about my day. |
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I woke up ina pissy mood this morning. i havent' had a shower in 3 days and have to go to moms tonight for a thing. I didn't want to get up, I wanted to sleep in. I don't know what is with my mood lately. i mean I have just been pissy and between cw and I, one of us is gonna kill that mait man. he is the most arrogant prick and just looking at him pisses me off. People think i can solve their problems. hell, I can't even solve my own problems. my ca friend is now decided that she is going to move back. Her boyfiend isnt' following through on what he promised and sudden'y I don't look so bad. Hell! she'll go back and forth a million times and it'll suprise me if she actually leaves. I am so fucking tired today. My head aches, my legs ache and I generally feel bad. I don't want to go to ths hting tonight. I need to feed my dogs, take a shower and would like to go to bed early again. Oh well. Gotta make others happy, ya know? |
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| When my friend was going home, my mother took her off to the side and told her that she would alwyas have a place here and could stay with her if she needed to. I believe her because mom was pretty much saying that to me and we got interrupted. It just occured to me that when hubby and I were having trouble a while back she told me that I couldn't stay with her because of my smoking. J smokes, but she'll invite her in. I can't figure out why I am so unwanted and unworthy to my mother. I cry and wonder why my in laws don't like me and I have no friends, but why should I wonder when I am not even worth anything in my mothers eyes. She offered her home to a stranger, but refuses me. I am so sad right now that I have been trying to come up with a reason not to just go ahead and kill myself. I don't understand what I am fighting for. I don't understand why I feel this need to hang around and keep getting hurt. I just keep hoping that I will be loved and worthy and have this ricch full life, but it's not going to happen. I have wondered in the past if I die, will it be this way in heaven? Will I be shunned my the people there as well? I have been shunned by God's people my wholelife hre on earth, how can it be any different there? Will this pain continue for eternity? I think I can't bear that but what choice do I have? I am powerless to stop it. I have no control over weather people like me or not. I am who I am. My husband loves me beyond reason and that's one thing that makes me want to stay. But, he is also who he is and I will never have his help around the house. He will never say please or thank you, he will never do the things here that he haspromised to do. If the house will get cleaned and painted it will be me that does it. Why do it? No one comes here and even if they do, they don'tlike me anyway so why try to make an impression. My heart is broken and has been as long as I can remember. There have been glimpses throughout the years of happiness but, they have been short lived and few and far between. I have never been anything but a burden to my mother and if I think or have thought differently, then I am kidding myself. K loves me and would help me out anyway that she could, but the minute I tell her, or she finds out, that I am smoking she will drop me. She won't love mw anymore. Unconditional love is a myth and it sucks. I don't know what to do to make this hurt go away except to end my life, but I don't have theguts to do it. |
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| Hubby just called and had spoken with his sister. His mom, neice, her hubby were over there playing cards. That makes me so sad. I would so have loved an invitation. I guess they just don't like me. I can't imagine why else they wouldn't invite me to their stuff. They are always getting together and never call me. It makes me so sad. Why am I not worth it? How did I become this unloveable, unlikeable person that noone wants to be around? I just have this weight on my chest. I almost started crying when he told me, and as usual I didn't make a big deal about it. There's nothing I can do and it just breaks my heat. I'm so lonely and so tired. I hate when you tell someone that you are lonely and they tell you to "get out. get a hobby. find friends" I have tried that and no one wants to be my friend. Not for long anyway. There is something so wrong with me and I am just too stupid to see it. Don't have the energy to fix it. I had always hoped that if I ever got married, I'd be friends with my in-laws, but it just isn't going to happen. Makes me so sad and more lonely. |
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I am really hurting this morning. My legs are aching and my head feels fuzzy. I can't seem to get woken up. I scraped my elbow yesterday at the park and it's hurting (I know it's a small thing, but in the scheme of things it's like the straw breaking the camel's back). My house is a disaster. I have no clean coffee mugs so I have a new plan. I am going to wash dishes and sort laundry, but only wash what I have to. I'll start with the whites because I need underware. I will wash it in cold and that way I can wash my bras as well. That way, I don't have 50 loads to do. It's cloudy and overcast today so I cant hang anything out. I'll just have to hang stuff in the back room. I SWEAR I am going to water areobics EVERYDAY next week and hope I get to feelings better. I go to see my gastro tomorrow. My liver function tests are so high and I am worried. I don't know what to ask him, but know that I want a copy of my labs. I need to really look into this hep c thing and know what I need to do. I have looked quite a bit, but get confused easily with it. My endo doc has a nurse working for him 2 days a week that also works ft where I work and this is in my file there. I hope that she doesn't say anything to anyone. I may talk to her next time I work with her. |
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Oh what a fun day we all had at the water park. I could float around that lazy river and wave pool all day long and be happy. The girls had so much fun and little one even decided to stay another night with me. we watched a movie and ordered pizza. tomorrow I am going to do dishes, laundry and gather & carry trash. I also brought some work home to do. It shouldn't take me long to do it. I haven't heard from hubby and can't get him on the phone and it worries me. I will keep trying. I talked to sis today about what my therapist and I talked about. I was so scared when I was sick and so alone. I asked her if it ever happens again if she would come stay with me and she said yes. It helps a lot. I still can't believe that mom didn't even stop by and offer to help me much less stay with me. I was scared and sick and alone and I am angry and hurt about it. I am going to start making an effort to call sis in law and neice in law and sis and her family to do stuff with more often. I need to work in the yard. Clean it up and mow and stuff. But, i doubt it will get done this weekend. anyway I'm gonna go get me a glass of tea and watch some tv, play games and stuff. night |
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| Busy day already. I was woken up this morning at 10 after 8 by a bill collector (I have a "collection" of them) I informed her that it is ILLEGAL to call me before 9 and not to do it again! Then I slammed the phone down. I went back to sleep and mom called at 10 and woke me. I got up, let the dogs out (after I realized they had shit in the floor) and made coffee. Mom came by to visit, my friend from CA called, sister called and hubby called. I'm tired of listening to the phone. The girls and I (it's my oldest neices b-day) are going to the water park later. It's gonna be a good day! |
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of my attitude and it's going to stop. I am going to spend time each day on my house and this weekend it is going to get cleaned!! I am NOT living like this any longer. I know better. I am going to start writing my day (visualization) and this weekend I am going to put my visualization board together and start my gratitude journal. I will burn those CD's and listen to them again. I will also research and get books, movies and anything else that will help me to accomplish this. 