I guess it was inevitable and somehow I felt it coming. I am a firm believer in the belief that "If it's too good to be true, it probably is" I guess in this case he isnt too good to be true, actually he's just perfect for me regardless if his flaws, but seeing him and being with him are not a possibility at this time. We got so close so fast and it just seems like its one obstical after another...I mean aside from the fact that we're both married...first his daughter had surgery, minor, just her tonsils out, but her job let her go and she moved back home, which meant the "office" that sat empty for him to talk to me alone in every day was now her bedroom again. Then his wife had to have double carple tunnel surgery which put her out of work for almost 16 weeks. Now, he's no more than back and we're just getting comfortable together again when she up and quits her job with no notice to anyone because it hurts too much to type. I know they can't survive off of his income alone, especially with her daughter moving back home, but when he told me she quit, I felt like it was over, like Ive lost him for good this time. I really dont know why, I know he wants to continue to see me and I don't want to let him go, but he did also tell me in the brief conversation that she was suspicious of him. Apparently when he came home Tuesday, she was already home and when she kissed him hello she backed up and asked what he smelled like. LOL He said he went out for a burger, but Im pretty sure I left my Parfum D'burger  at home that day and he said he didn't think she believed him. She was already scheduling her work hours around his, I can only imagine that this will add to her dominating his time...which I suppose as his wife, is her right.

*sigh*

So my girl Summer and I headed out to the bars this weekend. We started down town at Applebees and had some dinner and a few drinks and goofed around for Kate and her friend Mindy to join us. Well Kate took forever because Mindy was being a biotch and finally decided not to come. Summer, Kate and I walked around down town for a while looking for a bar to hang out with, but since we had just totally blown away the competition at the Football game all the college kids were out in droves and there is no bar in my home town worthy of a line! So we went to a hole in the wall on my side of town and hung out with my sister in law and all the regulars that she hangs out with. On the way over Summer and I were having a discussion about what kindof men we like and she really likes skinny guys, and doesnt mind if theyre short. Me on the other hand, I need a man I can't break! Gotta be taller than me and have some meat on his bones! My ideal man...6'3 and 225...mmm yummie! Anywho...So Im telling her about the one and only guy I would ever hook up with thats short and skinny. Jimmy...oooh yeah baby! I had a HUGE fucking crush on him in highschool!! HUGE CRUSH!!! And had run into him a time or two at this bar. So we head in and have a few drinks and low and behold who should shot up but Jimmy!! Awesome!!! Summer immediately jumps up and starts talking to him... I immediately shit my pants when she tells me that they hit it one night! WHAT!!! No joke! They hit the boots one night! GAH!!!! Im sooooooooo jealous! And she spends the night worrying Im mad...not mad, just jealous!!! So we proceed to get drunker and drunker and right about closing time Summer and I head into the bathroom..well who should follow us, but Jimmy! Summer immediately jumps on him and starts kissing him and whatnot...w00t...then starts kissing me WOOT!!!! He backs up against me, Im against the counter and shes in front of both of us. It was fucking HAWT!!! 2 minutes later...Jealous ass Katie comes to the door, bangs on it and yells "I need to take a shit" Scares the piss out of all of us!!! Oh well, bar's closing anyhow and its time for my drunken ass to take all my peeps home! ...Summer drove!! ha ha ha ha ha So she gets Katie home, gets Kevin home and starts to head back to the bar to drop Jimmy off at home (he lives conveniently next door to the bar, which would explain why hes always there lol) As soon as my ass nit the seat to take him home he jumps on me, kissing me and feeling me up and whatnot...My Gawd! My highschool fantasy has come true!YESSSSS We get to his place and he insists we come in and since my drunken ass has no judgement whatsoever...Im in!!! He went downstairs to take a shower while summer and I sat upstairs and talked. When he finally came up his ass was NEKKED!!! And he jumped in the bed with us! Summer and I spent the next 3 hours kissing and fucking and sucking this guy...everything I had ever wanted. He apparently loved the fact that I can cum over and over and over again because every time I tried to go down on him he would pull me back and finger me to orgasm some more. He got me off 8 times sitting there while he tried his damndest to cum. I can pretty much have the wind blow my direction and have an orgasm though. With Summer, you have to W-O-R-K...she can only cum 2 or 3 times max and with a lot of effort!!! Summer came twice but all of our efforts were lost when my phone wrang and I had to head home to a sick child, Jimmy never did get off. Which in my opinion...I think the guy is broken!!! How in the hell do you have two fine ass women fucking and sucking you, cumming all over your hand, licking every inch of your body...fucking you every which way but tuesday! And not cum??? As a matter of fact, several times while Summer was sucking or fucking him he even went soft on her. She told me later that he was the same way the first time she fucked him too, both the night they hooked up and the next morning before she took him home.

Moral of the story...Be careful what you wish for! You might just get it

Scarlet

He lay next to me on the blanket. Nothing around us but the trees and the lake. The moon was so bright you could see everything clear as day. The stars were flickering against the black sky. You could hear the waves splashing against the rocks and the frogs and crickets singing. I was lying on my back staring up at him. He was lying on his side, head in his hand looking over my entire body. His fingers traced my curves. We were so quiet. We didn't need to say a word. Every once in a while he would lean down and kiss me, or I would reach up, framing his face with my hands and pull him down for a deep passionate kiss.  His hand slowly traced the curves of my breasts and as he came to my nipple he pinched it and waited for my reaction. Then he would move on, touching and tracing everything within his reach. Every time he would come back to my breasts the pressure would increase and the sweet pain would make me cringe. He would smile whenever I would whimper from the pain, but I could feel the fire start to build inside of me. When he's with me I have no control over my body. He controls my entire being. He barely touches my knees and I will spread my legs as far as I possibly can, giving him access to his every whim, never giving it a thought as I do.  He runs his hand down my belly and over the crotch of my shorts, squeezing my entire mound, then kisses me gently on the lips.  The lust in his eyes in intense as he slaps my inner thigh causing it to sting and welt immediately and me to let out a cry. I can see the change in his eyes when he causes me pain. He loves it,  it turns him on to watch me whimper and cringe, but the moment a whisper of pain croses my lips, his passion comes through and he touches me softly and gently as if to take away the pain he just caused me. He carefully exposes my most private parts, carressing me and touching me. I can feel the breeze blow between my legs and I pray no one walks by our secluded hiding spot. Instinctively I want to cover up, but I can't move. He caresses my lips as they become more and more wet. He brings his hand away, but only for a second. It comes back with an audible slap. The sting brings me that much higher. My clit is throbbing and I can feel my juices start to run down my ass. He slaps me again, then slides his middle finger inside of me causing me to ghasp loudly. After rubbing my juices all over my lips he brings his hand up and grabs my face, forcing his tongue in my mouth. He pulls away and sticks his finger in where his tongue had just been. I clean his finger off with my tongue and he smiles and gently kisses me on the lips and rubs his nose against mine in a more loving and affectionate way than anything.  Slowly he moves over me and presses his beautiful cock against my opening. He slides in easily and slowly, passionately makes love to me. My arms behind his neck and him staring in my eyes, I can feel a passion Ive never felt in my life. Slowly we both get closer and closer. Finally, just as I start to tighten up I feel him stiffen. He jerks as my orgasm fills my belly and rises up into my chest. I feel him filling me inside as I start to spasm, sucking every drop out of him as he looks deep into my eyes and kisses me deeply. When the feeling subsides and we both lie there out of breath, him still inside of me, I feel a calm I have never felt in my life.

My God I Love You.

Scarlet

Awe! Poor me!! I got my frist negative comments from people who didn't even have balls enough to leave their names! Oh well! I take it as a compliment because the most successful people stir up the most controversey! Hell look at Madonna! I don't like her, but she's got props from me for staying true to herself, being a monster success, and rollin in bank! I'm guessing it was probably one person trying to look like two to make themselves feel better that s/he's not comfortable with his/her sexuality.  There's nothing that chapps my ass more than someone who judges something before they try it! I just find it hillarious that someone would see my intro, with a huge warning in bold caps, read past that, continue on to read my blog entry and then proceed to leave me one tiney little negative comment. Makes me think that as soon as they finished reading and judging a fantasy story they probably went and whacked off for a while! Im sure they'll be back skyrocketing my hits! Thanks!! I appreicate it!

Completely amused

Scarlet

Wow, How in all of that could I possibly forget!!! I've got a new flavor of the week!!! This recently aquired italian hunk, named Toby was actually Tam's dick on the side, but she turned out to be about psycho and neither of us associate with her anymore. All for the better because save JC I have never met anyone who gets my panties as wet as this man!!! He's 41, quite a bit older than me, but I can't resist the way he talks to me. Just enough passion and touching without going overboard into lovey cuddley crap! Hes spent the entire week telling me about the plethera of things he wants to do to me and OMFG I cant wait to find a day to spend some time pent up in a hotel room letting this man kiss dominate and fuck me into an oblivion! He wants to tie me up and spank my ass while he fingers my pussy. I love being dominated and spanked!!!! I fell in complete and total lust with him when he told me he was going to finger my gspot until i squirted all over his hands, then he was going to use my cum to lube his cock and slide it in fucking me until he came inside of me, then he would get down between my legs and suck his cum out of my pussy and lick my cum off of my lips and thighs. He told me he would then make me suck him hard again and I would lower myself onto him fucking him until he came again. Then have me squat over his face and bear down until his cum dripped out of my pussy into his mouth as he teased my clit and outer lips with his tongue. The scenerios hes gone through with me, I can't imagine we will ever get through them all! Inevitibly he will fuck my pussy raw. I can't wait to feel the burn of all the kinky things he wants to do to me!

Scarlet

Ugh, I've been so busy this week I haven't had a chance to sit down and blog about my day Tuesday. It was a month to the day that I finally heard from JC!!! I was in absolute BLISS the entire day! Nothing could bring me down! It was a horribly akward conversation, we were both trying to get everything we had to say out in the short amount of time he was able to be on. I hope he didn't get in trouble with her, I hope she didn't figure out he was on during his lunch break while she was at work. I've been wondering all along why he doesn't check in during his lunch break, but then I have no clue what her work schedule is like. She must be home most of the time during the day because even before he got caught he was rarely on during lunch. He had no idea she had talked to me. Let alone three times. He had a lot to digest, but assured me he would keep in contact as much as possible until he is deployed May 6th. Then he intends on taking advantage of the military's program to keep soldiers in touch with their family and friends at home. He says he will have messenger and email to talk. I'm terrified to have him go, but at the same time, I can't wait to pick back up where we left off. He also assured me that as soon as he had some decent leave time built up he would be visiting his mommy! YAY...LOL Mommy visits roughly translate to visits back to our home town (where I still live) with no wife to accompany because his mother hates her!

My curiosity has me totally in knots though. The one thing he did while we had a chance to talk was introduce me to one of his friends. Bren. Now I would have thought he would have learned his lesson with Karlie and I and all the BS that resulted from that, but he did. Now one, this demonstrates his trust in me, in that he has faith that Karlie was the root cause of all of our issues in the past and possibly, and Im not 100% on this, he wants someone to keep an eye on me while he can't. He encouraged me to get ahold of Mark, but we have since learned that Mark not only lacks a computer at home, but also a phone, which I am amazed by! I know Mark would have been his eyes and ears. Bren may very well be doing that job for him. We have nothing in common, but he continues to talk to me and ask me questions that JC would typically ask.

So last night I was talking to Bren and his half of our converstaion somehow wound up on hubbies computer! UH OH! lol, fortunately his half alone didn't appear too incriminating. Thank gawd mine didnt show up!!! Some apparently innocent comments would have totally changed context! He did see a few things he was completely pissed about. And then, wonderfully, Bren IMs me today during the one 5 minute span in the entire day that hubby is home, to ask if he can see some nekked pics of me! Ugh, the boys timing is awful!!!! In any event, hubby is taking me out to a reallllllllllly nice resturant tomorrow night and probably to a move or something after. I guess when I start throwing the sex card at him and telling him I wouldnt have to get attention from other guys if hed pay attention to me, he relented and wasnt mad. Theres something going on with him and damn it, if he's not going to tell me, I'm going to take advantage of whatever I can to get what I need!!!!

Well, I need to get some stuff done before I head for bed!

Scarlet

Bitter fate plays her games,

I feel your breath, it never stays

I long to feel your arms so strong

Reaching for what's not far gone

Our memories are all that exist

From a fleeting moment we both found bliss

How can I live without your touch

(how can I, how can I)

How can I live without your kiss

(how can I, how can I)

How can I continue to live

When life has taken everything I have to give

I feel you reaching out to me

Time has proven what will be

Ties stronger than fate's demands

My heart is bleeding in my hands

Unnamed feelings control destiny 

Don't they know you belong with me

How can I live without your touch

(how can I, how can I)

How can I live without your kiss

(how can I, how can I)

How can I continue to live

When life has taken everything I have to give

This all has to be a nightmare

I feel you fighting for your life somewhere

Someday we will wake from this awful dream

Open our eyes, to our beautiful eden

The facades crumble, the scares heal

and we take our place for eternity in that first moment of bliss

So last night I went to my FAVORITE tattoo shop and got my nipples peirced! It didn't hurt at the time, but DAMN! Im sore now. I didn't think it would bother me much because I'm totally and completely turned on by having my nipples played with and moreso having them pinched and bitten, but, ouch, this just reminds me of breast feeding. Thank god the pain has subsided a little bit. It didn't bleed much and I knew what to expect because I have a friend out of town who does peircings and his nipples were his frist done on him and they were done incorrectly, behind the nipple tissue in the breast and I know how much pain he was in. I figured my pain, because I have extremely large nipples and aerolias it would be an easy peirce.

It was totally an awesome expierence though. I signed the required papers and gave my license proving I was 18 (lmao) then he gave me a book to choose which rings I wanted. Futile effort to say the least. There were some killer rings. I knew I had big nipples so I chose some red rings with hemotite balls and thought they would be big enough. Nope! LOL I wound up with basic stainless steele and hemotite. No biggie though, I can change them out in two months to whatever I want. So I went back to the private little room and sat there for a good 40 minutes with ice on my nipples. By the time I got done I couldn't feel the ice and my nipples were nolonger sticking straight up! LOL Of course that was the point, I had just never heald ice anywhere that long to find out how numb it can make you!  So he preped the area and put the forceps on. I was all set to watch when he asked if I was going to. I don't know why, but I chickened out at that point. Had he not said anything I probably would have watched the whole thing. So I turn away just as he brings the needle out. I wasn't sure what he was actually doing until I felt the needle give and push through. No pain though, just a hard tug. Then he pulled the ring back through and put the ball on. The other nipple went just as smooth! Perfection! My nipples are perfect for them! They look rockin! I can't wait for May so I can go pick out some new rings (and the pain will have subsided).

I haven't decided if I want to peirce anything else or not. I'm sure at some point I will probably do some more to my cart. in my ears, and if the mood hits I may re-do my belly button, but only because he had some kick ass jewelry from my favorite football team for belly rings. I already had my clit and my tongue and several in my ears, but other than that, I will probably concentrate on the 3 or 4 tattoos I want. Though thats a long term process for me since I require myself to wait a year after picking out a design so that I don't regret anything I get. I have I've hit 10 months with the next one I want so Im pretty sure I'll have it this summer. Its going to be a barbed wire armband on my left upper bicep with my favorite football teams logo in the middle.

Scarlet

Well, I've had three messenger conversations with JC's not so lovely wife and I can see where hes coming from now. Not that I blame her for her anger. Thats not what I mean. I see where she's manipulative, I see what he means when he says shes just pure evil bitch. I tried to be pleasent the first two times we spoke and she actually gave me credit for it, and to my suprise she told me JC is being deployed in June and while Im terrified for him, worried for him and afraid for the possibility he could die and I will never get to see him again, I am hopeful this will be an opportunity for him to get a break from her, get himself together and I can have some contact with him again. She even commented that I will be hearing from him soon because she won't be able to watch his every  move. The third conversation with her was not as polite as the first two. She must be trying to regain her ground. She made comments that she could taunt me with him and hold him over my head if she wanted because she had what I want. Sadly thats not the case. I know she knows its the other way around. I have him, mind, body, heart and soul. Her physical postion over him will be temporary. As soon as he can resolve the financial noose she has around his neck he will file for divorce from her. I believe him wholeheartedly when he says he'll never get married again and I dont expect him too, but I do want to see him happy, and he's not with her so she needs to be gone. I'm not leaving my husband and don't honestly ever see us getting married, so my belief in this is not dilluted in the fact that I want to see him be mine. I would be just as happy if we continued to be friends and he did settle down with someone who genuinely understood him as I do and was able to make him happy. Though this is unlikely since it's taken me 7 years just to crack the surface. Not many women are willing to wait that long; I wouldn't be either had we not had the internet to buffer things. Had it been a face to face relationship, Im sure (like everyone else) I would have probably had it with him years ago. But I know I'm tighter with him than anyone he chats with online because we do come from the same area and know the same people and practically grew up together.

She also made a coment that if I appologised for ruining her marriage AND for Karlie's outburst toward her that she would consider loosening her restrictions of him and possibly allow us to talk. PLEASE BITCH! First, I'm a proud American and American's dont negotiate with the enemy! LOL Second, and this was the one I chose to rub in her face, I would not submit to her stupid games and rules because he WAS being deployed and he WOULD get ahold of me regardless of her wishes!  That pissed her off and I haven't heard from her since. No biggie! Thats one manipulative woman! And stupid! I'm sorry, maybe it looks like I have substandard morals to some people that I am willing to divorce my husband, but theres a point where the price you are willing to pay for your self respect has to play a bigger role than your morals. She insists she will not divorce him regardless of the fact that she knows hes physically intimate with other women and this will not stop (save for her constant supervision over him and his every move), and he is emotionally involved with me. She insists she will see her marriage through good times and hard times and is not willing to give up just because things are tough. She says that in her marriage vows she said 'till death do us part' and she intends to see that true.  I wonder if she even has a clue!

Scarlet

So in my eyes the difference between a slut and a nympho is that a slut has sex just to gain attention, popularity and/or self esteem. A nympho on the other hand has an unusually high sex drive and has sex for the sake of the act and the pleasure gained from it. I myself am a complete and total nympho!!!! I'm completely and totally addicted to the high I get from fucking and sucking someone. And from Monday night to Thursday morning I went on a damn benge!!!! See my previous post to read about my tryst Monday night/Tuesday morning. Well Tuesday night Alex and I had a fuckin blast. We flirted all night on IM and when I finally gave up and resigned myself to the fact it wasnt going to happen and head home, low and behold I get home and theres a message from him that he wanted me to stop by but was too shy to ask! LOL No Prob! I head over under the guise Im going to breakfast with some coworkers and just stopped home to change. It was some stunning killer sex as usual, though the thrill is deminishing and we're getting comfortable with each other, its still good and fun. And fuckin bonus...I actually stayed around to cuddle a little with him, which normally Im out the door after a bout 5 to 10, we started into some heavy playing and it was no time before he was ready to go again! What a wonderful suprise!!! The poor guy didnt get to bed until about 4am, but hey, not my problem!!! LOL

So last night Im online chattin with Jake and hes talkin about how great the other night was. I start flirting hardcore again and he asks if I wanna....Hell yeah I wanna!!! So we head out to our favorite little spot. I love that man! No words no nothing! I climb into the car and immediately start kissing him, he backs off and pulls his shirt up... Hehe the bitch was waiting for me!! Pants undone and cock hanging out for me to lick! He lasted a lot longer in my mouth this time!!! I was able to deepthroat him several times before he started to shudder. I finally came up and jerked him the rest of the way off.  He crept between my legs and shoved a couple fingers in me, stroked my clit and licked my thighs. I didnt cum, but he had me bucking wet! Finally he got up, pulled me down and shoved his cock in my sloppy wet pussy!  We fucked for about 5 minutes before I had this shattering orgasm. He stopped while I came and then got this smug look of acomplishment on his face!  He went at it after that, pounding me for all it was worth. He pulled out and shot all over my lips and down my ass. I don't know why I dont just let him cum inside of me, at this point pulling out is pretty much a futile effort since anything he would have I would be exposed to and theres no chance of me getting pregnant regardless. Not to mention thoes huge fuckin loads he leaves all over would feel like heaven inside of me!!! 

Unfortunately my streak of freaky sex is over for the time being. I need to get home tonight and dye my hair and get my clothes washed and whatnot to go to the concert tomorrow night!! SCORE CANT WAIT!!!!!

Scarlet

Valentines day has got to be the single most rediculous holiday  in existance! It exists solely to guilt your lover into buying you expensive trinkets and overpriced flowers. I don't want my man to buy me dead flowers and food that makes me fat just to prove to me that he loves me on one particular day a year. To me love is shown when the one who loves you takes time out of their day, frequently throughout the year, to show you in a personal way that they love you. A soft kiss, a touch, a sweet hand written poem or note on a napkin or scrap of paper. This is love to me. Not a giant gorilla shaped baloon tied to a dozen red roses with a halmark card and a sloppy signature brought to you by whatever delivery guy was lucky enough to be working the dreaded holiday. Fuck Valentines Day!  I want it about as much as I want any VD!

Scarlet

Ironic isn't it that my business card reads "Personal Intimacy Consultant"

Im completely mourning him. I can't help but have faith that somehow he will come back into my life. I don't know if that makes this easier or harder. If I knew he was gone forever I could put to rest the notion that somehow someday I would have him, yet somehow, months may go by and he will always resurface. It's been this way for many years now. He comes and goes and I always know he'll be back in my life. This is testing my faith in his word. I realize it's only been 6 days since I spoke with his wife, and there's so many possibilities as to why he hasn't gotten ahold of me. But in the back of my mind I cant help but wonder if he loved his wife more than he led on and maybe the last 8 years haven't meant as much as he led on and hes moved on without me. I know theres every possibility he left her and is having to stay in a hotel while he gets things straightened out, moreso while he goes through a divorce, if he is. I know how bad it would look on him with the military to get a divorce because of infidelity, but even worse to continue the relationship during the divorce could hurt him. I can only hope once things blow over I will hear from him again. I know he hasn't accessed his AOL acct because my email has gone unread and undeleted, but the account is still active.

I miss my best friend. I hate that I have no one to go to with my little complaints my triumphs, just small talk. . He would have been the first one I went to last night when I was so upset with my husband. My mom brought over a trunk fill of my stuff today and there was a picture of a girl we both knew growing up. Instantly I wanted to get online and scan it and send it to him, but then I realized I couldnt. I had a dream last night, oddly enough it was probably the briefest dream I had ever had in my life. I dont know where we were, or who was there or the circumstances surrounding us or anything, apparently there were none. It was just us. JC and I. He walked up to me, reached out his arms to me gave me a quick but sweet kiss on the mouth, then held me tight against his chest. He never let go. We just stood there and held each other until I woke a few seconds later.

I still remember the last night we were together. I remember sitting on him, feeling him deep inside of me. We weren't even doing anything sexual..except that. I sat on him and we talked, and played around and laughed. I even took a picture of him lying there on the bed.  Somehow I think that moment symbolizes our entire relationship, especially now that hes revealed that night had deep loving meaning to him. I know that will sound strange to anyone who reads this, but our relationship is complicated.

That aside, I don't think I will ever have a sex partner like him. He touched me in places and in ways no one else ever has. No matter how many men I fuck and how much dick I get inside of me, nothing has ever replaced him. I can still close my eyes and remember how full I was, how deep he was. How I started to wonder if when he slid it deep inside of me, if it would ever end. When I was lying on my back with my legs off the edgs of the bed and he was standing by the bed pushing as deep inside of me as he could go, I could actually see my abdomen rise when he was in all the way. The next day I remember my stomach hurting, obviously from him completely messing my insides up! LOL I miss it though. I'd give anything to feel him fucking me like he did back then every day for the rest of my life.

Lost

Scarlet

I want to curl up in a tiney little ball. The pit in my stomach has me wanting to puke. I cant eat. I need a drink. Bourbon, because I miss him already.  I feel like someone has ripped open my chest and torn out my heart. I finally come to terms with him. I finally get to a point we are both happy and both understand each other and were growing closer and closer and then the shit hit the fan tonight. I noticed he had logged onto the instant messenger but hadnt bothered to say anything, which was extremely unusual. So I commented "missed you yesterday" and get something like "who are you". I knew right there it wasn't him. FUCK! It was his wife. She had already started reading our emails, she started to question me as to who I was and what Id done with him. Fuckin hell! I can't even type. I have no fuckin motovation to do anything. I just feel cold. I keep replaying  Bring Me To Life over and over and over.I tried to call his friend Mark to warn him since he was at the gym and had no idea she had found him out, but Mark must have been sleeping or working or something because my call went straight into his VM.  I don't think I'm losing him perminantly. He'll come out of this, more jaded than ever, and message me or email me and we'll talk again. I just wonder how long it will be and how much damage will come to our newfound relationship.  In the mean time I get to grieve, I get to hurt. over and over again. Funny too, just the other night I was sitting at my desk reading something I had wrote to him and his response and tried to put myself in her shoes, look at what we had said from the wife's point of view. I knew what I had written was going to go over badly with her, but I had no idea he had saved so many of my emails. So many pictures of me, so much of our past that she opened and read every page. I continued to talk to her on IM just to try to smooth things over. I could tell the more things went on she was reading more and more and getting madder and madder.  She finally lost it and logged off. Hes in a different timezone but I'm sure hes home by now and the shit has hit the fan. I just want to cry, I wish I could be there to stand behind him. I hope like hell I can get ahold of Mark tomorrow and talk to him. Maybe he can call Josh for me, I hope. I'm also hoping I can see if Marty knows anything about how he feels about his wife and about me. I know what I believe about us, but I guess it'd be nice to have some reassurance that he feels the way I believe he feels. Otherwise I don't want to get all worked up over her finding out about us. Im inclined to believe everything I trust to be true is true because she asked me who else he was sleeping with and I said my assumption would be that if he were hooking up with anyone else there would be emails there from them and she never commented back, everything she talked about and quoted was from me.  I know hes fucking other women, thats not my issue. I guess deep inside theres this jaded hateful little hurt part of me that doesn't believe that he is capable of having feelings for me, that he's somehow leading me on. Which is rediculous, for what? and if he were why would he save my emails and have enough evidence of me that his wife is going to raise absolute hell over what she found. I guess I'll write more tomorrow. I want to get my work done and go home, drink, curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Im sure I'll cry in there a little bit.  I hope like hell I hear from him or Mark tomorrow. I don't know how long I can go wondering what the hell is going on. I don't know where she works or when, but I know he does go home for lunch and when and tomorrow Im just going to make sure Im as available as is humanly possible during that time. Try to put my youngest son down for a noon nap and stay in the bedroom logged on with my cel so whatever way he can get ahold of me he'll be able to, if he can...

More later

Devistated,

Scarlet