Tuesday, February 7, 2006
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I have never needed my blog so much and it wasnt here! *ghasp* Thank gawd its back up!
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Kso it started Saturday when I was making some deliveries and Karlie text messages me chewing my ass for something she thought I had said to JC. Let me go back. In October when JC was being a dick to both me and Karlie. Apparently he went to Karlie first to try to appologise for his behavior and she said she accepted his appology but acted more like she was having non of it. She ignored him and basically took everything he said and threw it in my face like "look he cares about me more". Well anyhow he decided she wasn't worth his time and dropped her as a friend. Jan 14 he came to me to appologise and I did give him another chance. Well it was killing her with jealousy that jc and I had worked things out and she had choose not to, so gave a half ass try every now and again to get back in his good graces. This didn't blow over too well with him and lead to the argument Saturday morning that I got drug into the middle So Saturday went into this huge clusterfuck of text messages, emails and celphone calls between the three of us. I went out Saturday night and apparently missed where they had had another blowout and JC got shiface fuckin drunk. I was at the bars getting pretty shitty myself. I get home and check my email and I think I had 12 emails from him, everything from dialogue from their conversation to a despirate email telling me hes going to call me. So I log into AIM and hes on, I IM him to ask whats going on (I can tell hes drunk emailing) and his IM is all but decipherable. he keeps repeating that he needs to talk to me and whats my number. Wow hes drunk! He knows my number! So after giving it to him 3 times he finally calls. He's making NO SENSE!!!! Wow his military trainging shoes through, he wont talk to me until i give him my maiden name and my previous married name. Then he keeps going on about green and white, greena nd white. FINALLY he starts to sober up and making sense, but thats when he just breaks down emotionally. He goes in for 45 minutes about "go back to 1999. Go back and pretend thats where we are. Just stay there with me. And he starts telling me details about being together. He tells me about the night we were together at my parents house and starts describing how he made love to me. Crap! I didn't think he was capable of putting thoes words together in a sentance! he goes on about us sitting on my bed in my appartment looking out my window. He tells me how nervous he was with me sitting on his lap. Finally he starts to describe me taking him home the morning after the last time we were together. He remembers this kindof weird nervous glance at each other. He remembers walking up to the door and turning back and I about died when he was able to describe my eyes. Down to the color. He talked about watching me drive away. I sware a couple of times he was bordering on telling me he loves me then he'd studder back and tell me hes happy he can trust me and Mark and I are his only true friends. Finally the shit hit the fan when he started sobbing uncontrolably and his wife walked in the room and took the phone from him. I wish I would have had the presence of mind to just hang up, but no I had to be drunk and cocky and start fussing with her! I don't know if I made things worse for him or not, but I can imagine how shes feeling. She knows hes fucked other women since theyve been married, he fessed up to that, but I think she still thought she had an emotional bond with him. Then she walks in and finds some other woman comforting HER husband on the phone. I know how upset I'd be. She has pretty much lost her only hold on him. So, he says now she's ultra clingy and he has absolutely no space. I tried to explain what her perspective probably was, but he didn't seem very interested in giving his marriage a chance. I don't think he loved her to begin with. I really think he has no concept of love. His father was never around growing up, he died when he was very very young and his mother was very hard on him growing up. Im sure she meants well, thinking if she was tough on him hed grow up a better person. Hes a fantastic person and I would trust him with anything, but he never gained a concept of love and what is acceptable. I believe he doesn't love himself so he looks for sexual attention to feel valuable. He goes to the gym every day and keeps extremely fit. Physically hes as close to perfect as I could ever ask for. But mentally, hes a mess. I dont think his military training helped him much emotionally. It took the suck it up. conquer women, be a man, king of the cock attiitude and multiplied it. Hes got so much pride most of the time hed rather walk away than appologise. Hed rather cheat on his wife than try to be happy with himself. In any event I think somehow even though I say my life is a cruel joke the way I can have him in my life but not be with him. In this instance I kindof think of that Garth Brooks song Unanswered Prayers. Only in my case he, if he exists, he is keeping me away from him until the time is right for us to be together. Rather than me praying to stay with the wrong person, hes keeping the right one away from me until we're ready to be together. Wow this post is a mess. Oh well, I do it for me not for everyone else. If people read this than that's fine. Anyhow, after his wife got him off the phone I emailed him to tell him to let me know how he was doing. We talked twice the next day and twice yesterday. Yesterday I KNOW he was sober and he still had a really open converstaion with me. I wish I could list it here but I don't want to list screen names on here. Im completely freaking out here though. Hes told me exactly what my eyes look like, he has been able to tell me and spell correctly my maiden name, NO ONE can do that, not even my husband. The closest hes come to giving me a true idea about his feelings was a comment he made about how hes just happy that at the end of the night when its dark and he shuts off his light he knows I have DH next to me to love me and grow old with me and that makes him feel better and that he doesn't want to interfier with my marriage. Gawdayumn! I love him. I hate this. I hate waiting for him. Ive waited 10 years and 2 husbands to be with him. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. I understand it's all for the best. I have wanted to be a mommy my whole life and he doesnt want kids. He has some emotional stuff to work through that hes not ready to be committed. I know there are reasons for us not being together, but I sware I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. No one can prove their feelings for me without telling me they love me over and over. I know how he feels without shoving "I love you" down my throat. I know from expierence when I hear that I tend to run screaming in the other direction. I wish i could just have him hold me again like he did that night when he made love to me. I was so unbreakable, so safe. Hopelessly in love Scarlet   |
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