I want to curl up in a tiney little ball. The pit in my stomach has me wanting to puke. I cant eat. I need a drink. Bourbon, because I miss him already.  I feel like someone has ripped open my chest and torn out my heart. I finally come to terms with him. I finally get to a point we are both happy and both understand each other and were growing closer and closer and then the shit hit the fan tonight. I noticed he had logged onto the instant messenger but hadnt bothered to say anything, which was extremely unusual. So I commented "missed you yesterday" and get something like "who are you". I knew right there it wasn't him. FUCK! It was his wife. She had already started reading our emails, she started to question me as to who I was and what Id done with him. Fuckin hell! I can't even type. I have no fuckin motovation to do anything. I just feel cold. I keep replaying  Bring Me To Life over and over and over.I tried to call his friend Mark to warn him since he was at the gym and had no idea she had found him out, but Mark must have been sleeping or working or something because my call went straight into his VM.  I don't think I'm losing him perminantly. He'll come out of this, more jaded than ever, and message me or email me and we'll talk again. I just wonder how long it will be and how much damage will come to our newfound relationship.  In the mean time I get to grieve, I get to hurt. over and over again. Funny too, just the other night I was sitting at my desk reading something I had wrote to him and his response and tried to put myself in her shoes, look at what we had said from the wife's point of view. I knew what I had written was going to go over badly with her, but I had no idea he had saved so many of my emails. So many pictures of me, so much of our past that she opened and read every page. I continued to talk to her on IM just to try to smooth things over. I could tell the more things went on she was reading more and more and getting madder and madder.  She finally lost it and logged off. Hes in a different timezone but I'm sure hes home by now and the shit has hit the fan. I just want to cry, I wish I could be there to stand behind him. I hope like hell I can get ahold of Mark tomorrow and talk to him. Maybe he can call Josh for me, I hope. I'm also hoping I can see if Marty knows anything about how he feels about his wife and about me. I know what I believe about us, but I guess it'd be nice to have some reassurance that he feels the way I believe he feels. Otherwise I don't want to get all worked up over her finding out about us. Im inclined to believe everything I trust to be true is true because she asked me who else he was sleeping with and I said my assumption would be that if he were hooking up with anyone else there would be emails there from them and she never commented back, everything she talked about and quoted was from me.  I know hes fucking other women, thats not my issue. I guess deep inside theres this jaded hateful little hurt part of me that doesn't believe that he is capable of having feelings for me, that he's somehow leading me on. Which is rediculous, for what? and if he were why would he save my emails and have enough evidence of me that his wife is going to raise absolute hell over what she found. I guess I'll write more tomorrow. I want to get my work done and go home, drink, curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Im sure I'll cry in there a little bit.  I hope like hell I hear from him or Mark tomorrow. I don't know how long I can go wondering what the hell is going on. I don't know where she works or when, but I know he does go home for lunch and when and tomorrow Im just going to make sure Im as available as is humanly possible during that time. Try to put my youngest son down for a noon nap and stay in the bedroom logged on with my cel so whatever way he can get ahold of me he'll be able to, if he can...

More later

Devistated,

Scarlet