Im completely mourning him. I can't help but have faith that somehow he will come back into my life. I don't know if that makes this easier or harder. If I knew he was gone forever I could put to rest the notion that somehow someday I would have him, yet somehow, months may go by and he will always resurface. It's been this way for many years now. He comes and goes and I always know he'll be back in my life. This is testing my faith in his word. I realize it's only been 6 days since I spoke with his wife, and there's so many possibilities as to why he hasn't gotten ahold of me. But in the back of my mind I cant help but wonder if he loved his wife more than he led on and maybe the last 8 years haven't meant as much as he led on and hes moved on without me. I know theres every possibility he left her and is having to stay in a hotel while he gets things straightened out, moreso while he goes through a divorce, if he is. I know how bad it would look on him with the military to get a divorce because of infidelity, but even worse to continue the relationship during the divorce could hurt him. I can only hope once things blow over I will hear from him again. I know he hasn't accessed his AOL acct because my email has gone unread and undeleted, but the account is still active.

I miss my best friend. I hate that I have no one to go to with my little complaints my triumphs, just small talk. . He would have been the first one I went to last night when I was so upset with my husband. My mom brought over a trunk fill of my stuff today and there was a picture of a girl we both knew growing up. Instantly I wanted to get online and scan it and send it to him, but then I realized I couldnt. I had a dream last night, oddly enough it was probably the briefest dream I had ever had in my life. I dont know where we were, or who was there or the circumstances surrounding us or anything, apparently there were none. It was just us. JC and I. He walked up to me, reached out his arms to me gave me a quick but sweet kiss on the mouth, then held me tight against his chest. He never let go. We just stood there and held each other until I woke a few seconds later.

I still remember the last night we were together. I remember sitting on him, feeling him deep inside of me. We weren't even doing anything sexual..except that. I sat on him and we talked, and played around and laughed. I even took a picture of him lying there on the bed.  Somehow I think that moment symbolizes our entire relationship, especially now that hes revealed that night had deep loving meaning to him. I know that will sound strange to anyone who reads this, but our relationship is complicated.

That aside, I don't think I will ever have a sex partner like him. He touched me in places and in ways no one else ever has. No matter how many men I fuck and how much dick I get inside of me, nothing has ever replaced him. I can still close my eyes and remember how full I was, how deep he was. How I started to wonder if when he slid it deep inside of me, if it would ever end. When I was lying on my back with my legs off the edgs of the bed and he was standing by the bed pushing as deep inside of me as he could go, I could actually see my abdomen rise when he was in all the way. The next day I remember my stomach hurting, obviously from him completely messing my insides up! LOL I miss it though. I'd give anything to feel him fucking me like he did back then every day for the rest of my life.

Lost

Scarlet