My brain is swimming right now. Not like last night. I feel like the most selfish person on the planet. I have a picture perfect life. A beautiful house, beautiful children and a husband women would kill for. He's kind, compassionate, thoughtful, amazing in bed, there's nothing he can't fix and I love him more than any man I have ever been with in my life.But I feel so empty. I want it to be enough, but it's not. I feel like this 23 year old care-free irresponsible nympho. I want to think that I would never cheat on DH and to this day that has been the case, but I just don't know how much longer I can be Mrs. Perfect. I have this short list of friends, whom I could (and do) picture fucking. It doesn't matter if it's a quickie or an allnighter, I can see it and feel it and taste it. I feel so guilty because I almost want it.

What has happened in my life to make me this selfish? Is it my parents fault? I don't play the blame game! But these emotions have to come from somewhere. I was always a daddys girl and could always go to him and get anything I wanted. Did he spoil me? I don't think so, there were definately times I had to work for what I wanted, it wasn't all handed to me in a silver platter, just a really nice china one!  Maybe I'm just hard wired to be this way. It's no one's fault, I'm just genetically forced to want what I can't have.

Maybe somehow he's subconciously not what I really want. I can't imagine what it is I want then. I married the bad boy once. That worked out well...for about a year. Then he cheated on me and I left. I lost my mind and went back a week later. He hit me and I left again..for good, but not before I clocked him upside the head with a bag of fruit! Funny story....maybe I'll share it sometime. I have everything I need and everything I want, I can't imagine a man that could take his place and be everything he is, but it's not enough.

Am I shallow? I mean he's almost 10 years older than me, and he looks his age, but he's not homley by any means and certainly falls into the realm of what I have always found attractive. Maybe my tasts have changed, I always wanted an older man because throught my life the ones in my age range and younger were so goddam immature to the point I had no class or tact left to tollerate it. 

Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis a bit early. 30 has been difficult for me. I'm all grown up and responsible, but I don't want to be, somehow some way this magic age has me thinking that I'm not ready for all of this, but it's what I wanted. A very smart person told me today, your youth isn't something to look back on, it's part of you! So true, So very true! (thanks darlin', I appreciate that more than you know!)

Well, I think I'm going to go downstairs and see if there is anything good to eat that is't deep fried or rolled in sugar. Maybe a good veggie wrap will cheer me up. Who am I kidding? The only thing that will cheer me up right now is a good fuck...still kidding myself!

Always,

Scarlet