Origionaly I had this posted as private, my own personal rant to myself, but seeing now that it's been several days, I think it's valid to post publicly! Good luck to ya baby, in everything you do!

I hate not having closure. It festers inside me and turns me into a negative person. On the other hand I hate nothing more than rehashing old discussions that are meaningless and pointless to pick over. Today I'm stuck. I'm not sure, but I think I may have lost a friend. Granted it's only been 3 days since I heard from him, but our last conversation ended funny and even though he assured me it was just that we were both tired and it was just a "bump" and regardless of the fact that he has always been a lay it on the line, honest guy, I can't help but think I won't hear from him ever again.

Friday night, I forgot all about our convo and went back to my joyful happy self, but in the days following, I realized something. I realized exactly how volnerable he left me. How exposed I was in his presence. Completely emotionally naked. He knew things about me that no one else has and no one else ever will. That should make me extremely uncomfortable. For some reason his sincerity and upfront caring put me at ease. Normally I'm a level headed person, but when I get tired I act on emotion. I must have said something wrong. I think in my state of sleeplessnes I spoke out of emotion rather than logic. Emotion that may not have even really been there, it just appeared to be there because I was tired. I wish I could go back and re read everything we said so I know. So, no matter how silly I tell myself it is that he hasn't written, I just have this gut feeling, this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's over and I've lost a very kind friend whom I think I related to better than most of the people in my life.

It makes me mad at myself. Mad, that I allowed myself to put emotional stock in an email. I have never allowed that to happen. That I let someone into my closely guarded world so quickly. The sad thing is, it wasn't him that hurt me. I think it was me that hurt him. I think somehow I gave him the impression that I was only talking to him got get off or hook up. That I maybe didn't care about anything or worse yet, that I didn't respect his wife, my husband or our marriages. That's absolutely not the case. As a matter of fact, I agreed with him 110% as to where everything stood. That our spouses come first and it would kill me to know that his life with her and his daughter was in some way jeopardized because of something I had done. Or maybe I was just stupid and believed someone could be that great when all the time it was just complete BS. Whatever happened I'm completely blindsided, I just with he would have given me an explination to his silence.

Maybe it was destin to happen. He stumbeled into this mess quite by accident and wound up standing in the middle of my intimate world. Maybe I was meant to figure these things out alone. I guess I can only hope I'm wrong. Chances are, I'm not, my gut feeling is rarely wrong. So I guess all I can do is say, Baby, I'm sorry if I hurt you and I'm sorry you had to leave!

Love

Scarlet