So tomorrow is the annual company picnic... should be tons of fun. They are once again holding it at the Six Flags in this state, which means I'll have to drive into the city. I'm still debating on whether or not to get up and make the three hour drive in the morning or go after work this afternoon and have a nice over night visit with my mom....? We'll see.

I've had some issues lately with stress, self doubt, and fear [of...??? what, I don't know] creeping around and sneaking up behind me trying to seep in, settle into my bones and psyche and get comfy. So far, I've been able to fight them off, but each day gets harder and harder.  I really have no idea why I let it get this close. I've never had these issues before and could never understand anyone who did. But now I don't really know how to describe it. I'll be sitting here working away and everything seems fine... then all at once, I'm terrified. I'm afraid of "what if's" and "maybe I should have's"... I look into the future, think about making plans for the weeks and months to come and I can't see anything - not even myself. I can't picture where I'll be or what I'll be doing in the near or distant future. All I see is blackness. A void. So I tell myself to calm it down, think rationally... take each day as it comes and don't worry about the future. But this terrifies me too... I've always been a planner, doing everything by the book - my book, the way I see things is the way I plan them and if the plan doesn't go accordingly, that's ok too... I could always roll with anything, as long as there was a plan.. a guideline to begin with. But with nothing to start with, how am I going to get going?

One day at a time. One morning followed by one afternoon, leading into one evening and one night at a time. No plans. No guidelines.  No thinking about it. Just flick the auto pilot switch and glide through one more day and maybe tomorrow will be sharper, more alert, more awake, more alive, better. Normal.

Maybe?