Nostalgia... tumpak! That´s the right word! I can´t find a better word in either the Filipino or Merriam-Webster Dictionary to describe how I feel right now. Yes! And listening to Noel Cabangon´s "Kanlungan" gives me that bittersweet atmosphere.

I´ve come to realize that as we grow up, we have to move on and drop those precious nuggets we treasure... those sweet events of the past will forever be memories. Yes, memories, but they shall never fade into oblivion. Little by little, I´m feeling the pangs of adulthood. In a few months, we´ll be saying goodbye to one another. Graduation may be sweet revenge-freedom from heavy workload from teachers who argue that what they do is for our own good. Graduation... finally, we can escape the cruelties of the high school building.

          Alas! A big part of me refuses to believe that the freedom I longed for ever since is finally at hand. My whole being gradually hold on tighter to what I saw before as a big challenge to hurdle. I have grown to love the things I once considered as cruelties... unfair deadlines, surprise tests, super strict teachers-they are the ones who molded me into what I am today. I give you all a BIG THANK YOU on the World Wide Web! I can´t help but look back to the days when I shiver with fright at a single glance of a teacher, just to find out later one that she was as light hearted as most of us. Sweet memories, all these things will ever be.

          Yet what saddens me most is the thought of bidding those carefree afternoons I spend with my "most bestest" friends and my special someone goodbye. Again, Mr. Cabangon´s Kanlungan says it all... for one of these days, the real world might draw me to leave that cradle of love I´ve grown to adore. In fact, it slowly manifests its cruel self to me. While I still lay my head in this cradle of love, the cares of the real world slowly brings us further from one another... yes, it does, and it will continue to do so until we can no longer feel each other´s warmth... until we can no longer hear our hearts beating in unison. When that time comes, then our dreams shall one by one fall to the ground. Yet, I shall hold on to one dream I value most above all, and even as it shall forever remain a dream, I shall hold on to it ´til I breathe forth my last breath. As I lie in my grave, I shall refuse to believe that this dream of ours never became a reality.

          If the present once forced me to look forward with great enthusiasm to the future, a bitter realization makes me yearn for the past right now. The past... the warmth... the familiarity. They may someday be a madman´s aspirations, so a madman shall I be if that´s what this cruel world dictates.

          It's really getting late (wee hours of the night), but my friend and I are still out of our homes trying to finish this computer project so as to put another check in our to-do lists. We're one of those who are less privileged because of the absence of internet connection in our homes. I had DSL once, but we stopped subscribing to it after we found out all the hidden fees reflected on our bill.

          Looking at the bright side of the night, we got the chance to chat with our brother-adviser. It's really good so as to loosen the tension and tighten the friendship.

          Still, the darkness of the night is intensified by the thoughts of all the things we have to do. It's a really busy year we have here. In fact, I'm quite annoyed with everything that's happening lately. Crap! Even my relationship with those whom I love most is affected by all these stuff. If there's a promise I make to myself right now, it's for me to make it up to all these people once I get my diploma!

          Today's one of those days when I wish I go to weekly sessions with a psychologist who prescribes me with"happy pills". My day started alright, but there was still too much negative energy in me that I simply want to stare at nothing for hours.

          My problem is sort of complicated... I don't have anything against people, it's something about me and these undesirable feelings I have (It's not gender confusion!!!). These feelings that are too selfish and chauvinistic make me lose my respect for myself. Somehow, I can't understand why I am suffering these thoughts and feelings that belong to a child. Immaturity? Maybe not... it's more of an insecurity. So, here I am now, fighting a battle against myself. It saddens me, though, that as I go through these, my outside shell is not spared from the war that wages within.

          I gave a talk to a small group of catechists today. Actually, it makes me really guilty talking to all of them while I look back to all the ingratitude I've shown my God. You can't really call it hypocrisy because I'm doing something about my sinful present so I can get to my saintly future in several years.

          The afternoon was not that bad. I got to paint an 8x4 meter backdrop! Yeah! It really feels good after releasing all your bad energy through something you love to do. My friends asked me if I was mad or anything because of the way I painted with an unnatural force. Of course, I told them I was not mad. I don't like the thought of people knowing that I'm angry unless I really have to let them know. Anyway, whatever it was that I felt, I poureed it over with the sploshes of paint I splattered. See? You can make good things out of those annoying emotions! That's the Filipino ingenuity!