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I am considering this story for a magazine I came acorss, but it is one of my older works, so I am looking for any suggestions and comments people might have on the story. Anyway it could be improved? I am most particarly interested in anything involving character development, but all comments welcomed. Thank you and enjoy!
Deadly Delight
The dimly lit room seemed to be in a smoky haze as the candles flicked lightly throwing soft yellow spots of light here and there. The hall was in a hush as all eyes were transfixed upon that undulating figure upon one of the tabletops. Her slender bare feet moving only slightly, the bells upon her ankles giving light chimes. Her long near transparent skirt fluttering within the air in light waves, arms stretched out above her head while bangles chimed together. That slender waist swayed from side to side, her rich dark skin, which looked almost like silk seeming to ripple in the movements. The silver chain filled with charms around her waist spun in circles in constant movement as she kept it going. Long dark tresses rolled down her back and over her bare shoulders. Dark eyes watching through half closed lids, a serene look perched upon her lips.
Every now and then one dark gnawed hand would reach up as if to make a grab at her, but every time that flowing red veil she spun around while she danced would pass over the offending hand in a deceptively delicate touch and each time the hand drew back with a jerk as if shocked. Two distinct holes prickling with blood to be shown there the cloth touched. Though all seemed held in a trance and would likely not even notice until the morning and would be left wondering where the marks had come from.
The hours would seem to slip away heedlessly and as the night carried on and it would be just before the break of the sun when the dance would come to and end and the figure become still, the red cloth settling around her body. A storm of applause went out through the air and gold coins were tossed in careless abandon at her feet. She would gather up her days earnings and then reach down to pick up her black robes and wrapped herself up in the manner of the desert people. A cowl covering her head and a veil across her mouth she would move to the door and push her way out into the streets staying in the shadows away from the rays of new coming sunlight.
She would come to her tent that lay on the outskirts of the village and pushed inside of it and was just about to unwind her robes and let them drop when she was surprised by the sight of a figure in front of her sitting within her tent. Her eyes grew wide in surprise. The man looked young perhaps no more then 30 and was made of a fine build. Appearing to be no stranger to hard work by the look of him. A simple white linen clothe wrapped around his hips. His eyes dark and piercing with hair that lay just on his shoulders a smile spreading upon his lips as he spoke. “My master wishes to see you.†She narrowed her eyes as she looked to this man whom had intruded upon her in such a way as she kept her voice steady while she spoke. “How dare you, leave here now. I am not at your masters bidding nor anyone else’s.†The young man only laughed as he continued to watch her his eyes moving over her body. “He is an impatient man, we go now.†With that before she could say another word or make a move she was grabbed from behind. The much larger brute and rather fowl smelling man whom grabbed her would let out a sudden scream as it suddenly felt as if a thousand hooks embedded in his skin as his body pressed to the red cloth which she still wore draped over her lithe form. His features becoming pale as blood began to run down his arms and over his chest and stomach. He quickly pulled back away form her letting her go and went stumbling over backwards thrashing around at some invisible enemy it seemed, though as soon as he head released her the cloth fell seemingly lifelessly to the ground just behind her. The young man seemed horrified and transfixed by this at the same time quickly swallowing he leapt forward pushing past the woman and all but tripping over his fallen partner as he tore out into the sand and vanished from sight.
She looked down to the man whom still lay upon the ground a small smile curved upon her lips as she watched him. Fools she thought to herself. They all were. But she made good coin from them and they served her needs well enough. Leaning down she picked up that cloth with for a moment perhaps seemed to move on its one accord as if there was a snake within it slivering through the material before it fell still again and she wrapped it back around herself and walked to her chest despotizing the gold within it. She then looked back to the man her face seeming to be cast in shadow in an ominous way as she spoke one word. “Go!†With that it seemed the spell that held the man was undone and he scrambled to his feet taking off into the early morning. She then lay upon her cushions to enjoy her rest.
With the rising of the moon and the decline of the sun the next night Almeh would rise from her sleep her dark eyes coming open as she pushed herself up. The red cloth remained draped over her body as a blanket and she kept it wrapped about herself as she gathered her black robes and wrapped herself up within them. Pulling the veil over her face she would head out of the tent and make her way across the sands still warm form the days eat. Making her way back toward the city for another nights good work.
She passed through the gates and moved down the streets, which were still busy at this early hour of the evening. There was still some lingering light in the air that had not yet been swallowed up. She walked along as if hidden by the shadows no one would seem to give her notice. Coming to one of the drinking halls she pushed open the doors and instantly her senses were accosted by the loud noise and potent smells. She did not hold any great enjoyment for such places. But the people were simple here. Not as dangerous or stingy as the nobles and high lords. They gave freely for what they liked even if they could not afford it and did not question. After she was inside she would slide her robes free from her body and fold them up setting them aside on a wooden bench. Under she wore only her flowing all but transparent skirt that flowed lightly as she moved, and the fringed brazier which was made of several golden coins that chimed when she moved and sparkled when they caught the glimmer of a candles like. Around her waist the silver chain and the usual bells on her ankles. Her skin was smooth and flawless and she had about her an ageless look. She would gracefully step up upon the top of the long table in the center of the hall and her body would start its gyrations and instantly the audience would be captured their food and drinks left forgotten as she moved like a dark goddess.
Little did she know of the one whom sat within the shadows watching with a pleased smile curled upon his lips. He was currently dressed in little more then rags which kept others from paying him any notice. It would uncharacteristic for such as himself to be within such a rat hole but he was compelled to go for the stories he had heard of the dancer. It would not do to send another in his place. He had to see for himself. Her graze and beauty it seemed truly were beyond compare and he thought she would make the perfect addition to his collection of wives. The Pharaoh reached over and picked up his glass to sip at the wine though it would seem that even he was not completely immune to her spell for his eyes would remain transfixed upon the movements of her body that he would fail to notice the strange occurrences that occurred whenever one tried to make a grab at her. The sudden jerk back as if suddenly burned. In fact despite all he knew of men so lost was his mind that it did not even strike him odd that she would go untouched among such a crowd.
It would be late into the night when she came to finish and as always the gold would the showered at her feet and she collected her coin and then jumped down from the table walking over to pick up her robes she wrapped herself back up and pushed out the door into the streets where she would make her usual trek in the shadows. Little did she know on this night things would be different as the mysterious unseen observer had followed out shortly after her and moved on silent steps behind her. The figure would continued to follow much like a cat stalking its pray until she was about halfway to the gates that would lead her out and to her tent. The distance between the two would be rapidly closed and he reached out grabbing her by the arm and pulling her in between two buildings his other hand quickly coming up over her mouth as she looked to him with wide eyes of surprise.
He held her still and firmly though not so much as to be painful slowly moving his hand from her moth and urging her to be quiet. She simply stared up at him. What words she had were cut off quickly by the look of his eyes, which alone spoke a different story, then the rags he wore suggested and she knew him not to be but some brutish beggar or hoodlum. His voice only confirmed her suspicions as he spoke in soothing almost purring tones. “Shh child, I will not hurt you. Come with me please.†Despite the suggested question she could see within his face and the manner by which he still held her that refusing the offer was not an option and at this point she could not see any benefit in struggling, nor could she help a bit curiosity and she would go willingly without a struggle with him as he began to lead her down the ally.
They would come out of the city a different way then through the gates and she would be surprised to find that a golden chariot led by two grand black stallions and watched by what seemed to be a pair of young boys awaited them. Once they were out of the city her arm was realized and the rags shred dropped to the ground. Under of which he wore a fine white linen around his waist, his chest pair, an intricate armband of a snake wrapped around his left arm. A body that looked like a soldiers. At first she could only gape, this was not by any means one of the typical lords whom had more then once made attempts to take her for their own. There was something different about this one, it was as if he held her transfixed she could not think nor more. Her voice lost of all words. He walked forward then and took her once more by the arm to lead her within the chariot after paying each of the boys with a gold coin. Soon joining her he took reign and they were off it seemed with the wind under their feet as they raced across the sand.
When the great palace began to rise into view piercing up into the blue sky, which was now beginning to lighten with the first coming of morning they had been traveling that far across the sand, her eyes would widen taking in the sight and now she began to realize but could not believe it. Surely the Pharaoh of all things could not have kidnapped me she thought to herself. But she could not imagine any other have such a palace of this as was coming closer into view.
It seemed almost to be made out of pure gold it would glitter so when full sun rose. It was like an oasis surrounded by such fresh greenery she could not imagine how such could grow in the desert. It spread out quite huge with one central building and several other what seemed to be mini palaces branching off from that. The chariot would at last come to slow as they passed through the large gates that were manned by two guards. Upon coming into the gates two young men hurried up to take the horses and tend to them as the Pharaoh stepped out and guided her by the arm along with him, not yet speaking a word he led her in silence down a pathway that seemed to be taking them to one of the adjoining buildings.
They passed into a garden and within she could see several women milling about though soon stopping whatever they were in the middle of to come rushing over at the sight of the Pharaoh. The women were of all shapes and sizes and shades. Some were entrancing in their looks and others you would think one would not wish to look twice at. All dressed in whatever garments of their homeland. Almeh looked over this scene with disbelief for there could be no doubt what she was about to become, for it was none other then the Pharos’s harem that stood before her. He would gracisosuly and without offense dismiss those that came to him as he spoke in those smooth purring tones which seemed to carry without him having to raise his voice. “Adilha!†With that one of the women would come forward as the others retreated. She was a slightly rounded plump woman not standing very tall but carrying herself quite well. Her hair was long and lush her skin blemished and imperfect. She was wrapped within fine silks of reds and oranges that seemed all but transparent give a murky view of her skin below. She was not what one could call to be patricianly beautiful but there was a fascination about her that kept one from looking away and there seemed to be a quality to her that would lend her to seduce any man just as well as even the finest of beauties could. As she approached the Pharaoh pushed Almeh forward though not unkindly or rudely. “This is your new sister make certain she understands the ways.†That was all that was said and with those words he turned and walked away.
Adilha reached over and took hold of Almeh’s robes and pulled them away to the ground to expose Almeh’s body and good a better look of her. Adilha looked her over up and down carefully and seemed to nod in satisfaction before her eyes came back to Almeh’s. “Well you do have a name don’t you? Or haven’t you a tongue?†Almeh met her gaze steadily with a blank look upon her face as she spoke her voice was flat. “Almeh†Adilha nodded to this though gave a small frown at Almeh’s nature then she reached over to readjust the red cloth which had become slightly crooked during the events but quickly drew back with a sharp cry of pain as she brought her fingers to her lips and sucked the blood a puzzled look crossed her features but she said nothing as Almeh remained standing still and silent as a statue just watching with dark eyes. “Well then,†Adilha said, “Come this way.†Almeh followed as she was led to the room within the small, almost dwarf palace that was theirs.
After that first day it would seem that Pharaoh had completely forgotten about all of them, as he would not be seen in the passing of several weeks. During such time Almeh did not make herself any friends. Unlike the others who all lived together like sisters talking and laughing, sharing secrets and clothing she stayed to herself and soon much rumor spread came to be about her. She was horribly bored within the place and had grown restless beyond belief. Despite its paradise appearance it was soon discovered to be truly a prison. There was no way out. It was well watched and the servants that tended to the queens were also spies for the Pharaoh.
Not only did she come to hate this place but also she grew contempt for the others and the contentment and pleasure in their slavery. Adilha had made a few attempts to reach out toward Almeh but soon gave up in the blank coldness and silence she was greeted with. There had been a few incidents that would seem to go forgotten and were never spoken of even in gossip. On account of her seeming hostility while Almeh was out wondering the grounds there had been more then one occasion when one of the others whom were bitter for her lack of sisterhood would think it fun to tease as her and made to grab at that infamous red cloth she was never seen without only to squeal in pain and leap away sucking the blood from her fingers. Then there was the most tragic incident of one of the servants whom had been cleaning up Almeh’s room once while she was bathing and made to pick up the cloth perhaps out of curiosity or maybe to fold it up and set it within the chest of her other clothing. Almeh would find him lying dead and white as a ghost when she came out of her bath. His body covered in what looked to be hundreds of little bites. She simply bent over and picked up her cloth and had the body tended to by one of the other servants. If the Pharaoh heard anything about the death and what he was told would never be known.
The days would continue to pass in such fashion as this when suddenly about a month after Almeh’s arrival there was a buzz humming through the air and much talk and excitement. It seemed that word had come through that the Pharaoh would be visiting tonight at long last. Of coarse while all through the day the others prepared themselves in make up, sensual aromas, provocative garments and what have you, all the while discussing whom they thought would be his chosen for the night, Almeh simply kept to herself within her room. The idea of seeing the Pharaoh again did spark within her something but her own interests lay not in the pleasure of favor of her “master†but a means to gain freedom and perhaps a little something more.
She would prepare alight though in her own way as her fingers stroked the red cloth draped upon her shoulders in a way that was almost like a lovers caresses. She would not be seen all through the day having stayed within her room shut out from the buzz and excited hum. Many of the queens would take note with gasps and whispers and perhaps a bit of anxiety that even when the darkness of the night descended and the moon climbed into the sky there was no sign of Almeh. Despite how she had been they could not believe she would show such disrespect to the Pharaoh as to snub him on his day of coming. Adilha even came by once to knock upon her doors but getting no answer she soon just turned away and went out to join the others by the lake where they would wait eagerly.
It would not be until around midnight when he showed up strolling into the gardens and seeming to be in good spirits as the queens rushed quickly to him he had a kind word for all and a gentle caress. He would have one of the servants bring him over a chair by the water and sat down as the queens gathered around him sitting at his feet on the ground giggling and stroking his firm legs. He would exchange light banter among them and enjoy their affections as it seemed he was perhaps not completely sober and in a fine mood. When after perhaps an hour of simply enjoying the company of his women and demanding a story or two from them to entertain him he came to grow ready to make his choice as to which would be taken to bed and whose rooms he would go to.
It was at this fine moment when Almeh would appear walking with the grace and litheness of a goddess. That dark silken skin moving gently as her hips swayed from side to side. Her soft dark hair resting down her back and just over her slender shoulders. The soft chime of the music her jewelry made. Dark eyes seeming to peer right through a man to his very heart and soul. As ever the flowing red cloth draped over her shoulders. Even the little queens with all their resentment and bitterness and petty jealousy could not help but be transfixed by the image and as a hush fell over them the Pharaoh turned his head to drink in the view. Whatever anger or insult he might have felt in her audacity to come when she pleased as she pleased fled out of him and he could do nothing but watch. Her body began to move in those skillfully undulations and gyrating as the dance was begun.
She danced as she never had before. A dance that was wild and passionate and indeed seemed fit for a Pharaoh such a dance not only stimulating his body but also aroused his ego that he should be honored so. When the dance would come to its end the queens all seemed to have been put into a trance themselves. He was feeling the heat coarse through his body his eyes wild with desire as his choice was now made. She came to stop her movements then turned around with out a word and started to walk back toward her room. Leaving upon the ground where she once had been a pile of her clothing. The veil now her only covering. The Pharaoh once more blind to the insult of being beckoned it seemed pushed up to his feet and started after her, by the time he would reach her she would ready be moving through the door of her room.
He came in and she turned to look to him with a smile standing at the food of the bed. He came over to her to place his hands upon her succulent skin and she was careful to keep the cloth away from him as she accepted his touch. Her lips covered over his own and she placed one of her hands upon his chest and pushed him back to the bed. The other hand came down and pulled free the linen he wore around his waist so he stood naked. With a gentle push from her he lay back upon the bed mesmerized and unable to speak. She only continued to smile as she looked down to him then gave a light laugh as the red cloth was unfurled from her body and she draped it over his own.
Almost instantly his eyes grew wide in sudden fear and agony as it felt as if a thousand scorpions were driving their stingers into his flesh. His lips parted as if to scream by he found himself unable to do so. Upon the cloth now those twisted black shapes could be seen moving within as if swimming in the sea of red. Razor sharp teeth and claws holding firm and being buried deep within as they drank of the rich and royal blood.
The sheets upon the bed under him soon turning read as his struggles grew weaker. She stood there watching with a shadow cast over her face from the foot of the bed. When at the last moments she come forth and reached over to clasp one of her hands within his own she then leaned her head down her lips just inches from his as if to kiss him but instead she breathed deeply and as the Pharaohs life started to pass his soul was stolen rising up and infusing her filling her. She could feel the rush of it, the tingle. The dark monstrous figures within the cloth fell still now and slipped out of site. When at last it was done and the body became cold and still she rose up. Now nothing of his features could be recognized. His face held not character or definition much like the face of a mannequin. His once dark skin ghostly pale. She turned to gaze upon herself within the mirror of her dresser, as one of her hands reached out to pull the cloth from his body, and saw within her reflection the Pharaohs eyes looking back at her, and his handsome features seeming to have replaced her own. She threw back her head and laughed. His deep rich laughter filling the room.
3:16 PM - 7/9/2006 -
Neat
Besides some simple spelling mistakes, I think you have a pretty solid story.
I thought the character of Almeh was a little cold, but the ending (sorta) explains why. Some more descriptions of the villiage and the outskirts where she lives would be nice. Maybe expand upon the Almeh/Adilha relationship, such as perhaps an exchange of dialogue between the two, of Almeh questioning Adilha why she allows herself to be a slave.
Good story, I was thinking that she was simply going to trick the Pharoah and escape rather then the darker ending you chose.
What Mag are you thinking of submitting it to?
Poppedeye - 4:24 PM - 7/9/2006
Thank you
Thank you for your comments and suggestions, I will consider it when I proofread and smooth things over before submitting, I was concerned about the lack of dialogue in this story, that is one area I improved on in more receent stories.
The mag is called Dreams of Decadence
SilverWind - 5:44 PM - 7/9/2006
Untitled Comment
Beautiful story, you should definitely publish it. Your works are always beautiful Silver!
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