Whacky Sis

My sister continued with her typical modus operandi...she gets worked up into a frenzy and then lies low for awhile. Then my father got word that my mother's Medicare was running out. Again, a product of the depression era, and having the general knowledge that the nursing home industry is notorious for draining  bank accounts, he considered his options. Again the angry call from my sister. She ranted on and on about "THAT man!" She actually said that if my father tried to take my mother back home, she would take him to court and sue him. Isn't that nice? The man who adopted her and worked like a dog to support her.

Did I mention that she's only my half sister? Yes, it's true. I don't know her real father's name, so I will refer to him as "Baby Daddy". I didn't even learn about this until I was about 21. It all came out when my sister was going to get married. I was really surprised, but this was a bit before the time when everybody got divorced. My mother was married to Baby Daddy and apparently he was cheating on her. She would not talk about it, but she did not seem happy. So, my mother and Baby Daddy's daughter were living alone and my sister was in daycare (which really didn't exist back then). My mother worked for a lawyer and he and his wife had a barbecue to introduce her to my future father, who was a client settling his parents estate. The rest is history. My father adopted Baby Daddy's daughter when she was four (I know this is confusing, but I just like calling her "Baby Daddy's daughter. I'll stop.) My sister was four when my father adopted her. Apparently, Baby Daddy never looked back. This is the weird part. My parents never intended for her to think that my father was not her real father. She was four after all; who would even consider that option? Somehow she did forget that my father was not her real father. Who knows? Maybe Baby Daddy wasn't exactly around a lot? Maybe I can get some 411 about Baby Daddy out of my dad now. They still meant to tell her when she got older. They just couldn't bring themselves to do it. Teenage years are rough enough after all....although my sister's weren't. When she did find out, she took it well. She actually took it better than I did!  With what little angst she had growing up, she managed to say stuff like, "I'm the black sheep of the family", "You're not my real dad", etc.

When she found out he really wasn't her dad, she loved him even more because even though she said such things, he never ever treated her like she wasn't his real daughter. Well that lasted kinda long, but not forever.

6:43 PM - 6/23/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

My new EntreCard tactics

3:55 AM - 6/23/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Back to earth

3:37 AM - 6/23/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

My Life Gets Weirder...

And I Start Hanging Out In Cemeteries...

Why it is strange (for me, not for normal people).

1. I haven't been to a cemetery in over a decade. When I was a kid, every Memorial Day we would take a LONG drive to a cemetery to put flowers on my father's parents' grave/

2. I'm not religious.

How It Possibly Came to Be:

1. I became obsessed with the Speck murders. I was about two and lived in the neighborhood when it happened so I grew up hearing about it. About a year ago I heard the authors of "The Crime of the Century" on a radio talk show. I bought the book.  If I could go back in history and change just ONE thing......

2. I heard about www.FindAGrave.com  on a radio talk show program I think. It's kind of fun to browse. They have famous and not famous people.  People also request photos. You can look up requests based on a cemetery search or based on your zip code.

3. I am fascinated by stories of paranormal experiences, so you never know.

So me and my kids, clad in "Find-A-Grave" t-shirts, set off for Holy Cross Cemetery in Calumet City, which happens to be about 10 min. away from where my mom is. I did not know what to expect and I was really nervous. We went to the office because only a few of the photo requests had specific location information. I didn't even know if they would give such info out or if they would get perturbed because I had a long list. They actually have a touch screen with databases for that and other Catholic cemeteries. I looked up all our info and we headed out to a 'section'. Unfortunately, that's all we had to go by and the sections are pretty big; maybe half of  a city block. Back to the office. The people were unexpectedly nice; printing off a sheet for each of our requests and marking out little maps with an 'x' after pinpointing each location in a huge book of detailed maps. He even recognized the name of the Speck murder victim, Gloria Davy, who is buried there. There are already photos of her grave on the site but I wanted to visit it for personal reasons.

Again unfortunately, it was super, super hard to find these people. We spent about two hours. We only found about four of the 12 people. For awhile it looked like we might not find any of them. Now I am super pumped. it's like a puzzle trying to find these people. It's also strangely gratifying to fulfill requests for people. I didn't even find Gloria Davy's grave, which was hugely disappointing. The Find-A-Grave site is truly fabulous though. It notifies people when requests are fulfilled and it even has a button to report problems, like the one name that was not on their database.  

Then we went to see my mother, who happened to not be having a good day. Lucky for me, my sister has skipped town so I don't have to deal with her. More on her later.

6:37 PM - 6/21/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Kevin Bacon game

12:27 AM - 6/21/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Who holds my hand?

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Psalm 73:23-24

There are three important aspects of a relationship with God that deserve special notation in this passage. The first has to do with God's presence and nearness. Even Old Testament saints took comfort in the fact that God was with them. The picture of God holding a person by the right hand is one of nearness, direction, and intimacy. It is the kind of thing that a parent does for a child. And this nearness was the constant experience of the writer of this Psalm. How much more should I be saying these words with the very Spirit of God residing within my heart? God is continually with me and as near as my own heart.

The second important aspect is that of guidance. God guides with His counsel. God is the first counselor that I need and with His nearness, it makes sense that I should seek His will. What affrontery to Him it is for me to seek every other source first when He is so near! It is like I walk right past my wife to talk with another person. I should seek His counsel, which is the best counsel, exactly because it is He Who is holding my hand.

The third aspect is that of an eternal future. The psalmist could confidently conclude that the God Who is near in life, Who is here in counsel, will be dear in death. God receives the soul to glory. Not the soul's glory, but the full glory of the presence of God. God provides comfort, strength, and relationship for today just as He will do so in our future. One cannot underestimate this. I attended the funeral of an aunt yesterday. She had begun attending a little church after my uncle died. The pastor made it very clear (as he preached the gospel to my relatives) that she had trusted Christ at that time and longed to do what God would have her do. I was comforted knowing that indeed she had pursued a relationship with the God Who loves her and now she has been received up into His glory.

When I know the One Who holds my hand, I find what I need, no matter how my life goes. He holds my right hand. He guides me with His counsel. He will lead me to heaven with Him.

4:49 AM - 6/19/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Lost

I feel completely lost. I used to have hopes and dreams. And reasons to live. I had so much to look forward to in the future. Now, I have nothing to be excited about. I have a dead end job that I hate. I wanted to be something else but ended up being what I hate most. I force myself to wake up every morning to go to work and once I reach the office, I do my work half-heartedly. What did I waste my 6 years in university for? For a lame job that I don't even like? This is so depressing. Nowadays, my relationship isn't helping me at all. To tell you the truth, after that huge fight, I've become more numb. Right here in my heart. It doesn't beat as fast as it used to. Am I the one who's bored or am I boring him? I don't know. I just wish I had the answers to everything. Everything? Everything is nothing right now.

I secretly still cry at night. He doesn't know and I hope he doesn't read this entry. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. But, I think that I've told him countless times. Even as I am typing this entry, my throat feels sore, my eyes are burning with hot tears that I won't permit to fall, my chest is tight and I sometimes gasp for air. I need oxygen. I need the love and desire that was constantly there. I need HIM.

Or maybe, it's just me being OVER emotional. I think it's the same mistake happening all over again. I know for a fact that, everytime I fall deeply in love with someone, it turns out to be this way. I don't want it to be THIS way! I'm sick and tired of going through it all over again and again and again!!! I feel like walking away, but I can't. And I won't. No, I won't.

I've got to gather all the strength I need. I can't give up now. Or ever. Humph.. What the hell. I might as well take a break. I need that the most. I should enjoy myself with friends and family. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT.

Signing off,adlenenelda.  

4:27 AM - Thu 19 Jun 2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Yes, She's My Sister, Yes, She's Whacked Out

6:47 PM - 6/18/2008 - comments {1} - post comment

Thoughts of judgement

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.
2 Corinthians 5:10

Jesus Himself told His disciples that all judgement had been committed to Him. This is true. I will answer before my Lord for all the things that I have done. And no personal excuse will stand. I can't beg off the wrong I have done in attitude and action with some sort of casual reply like, "I had a headache". That will not pass muster on that day.

Paul was so motivated by the thought that he would give account of Himself before His Lord that it motivated him in his ministry. It was because of such a healthy fear of God that he persuaded men with the gospel. Paul was not the judge. Jesus is the judge and Jesus died for the offending parties. He is more than willing to forgive. He is also the One to Whom we owe all of our allegiance, service, devotion, duty, and life's work.

I think of this sort of accountability with too much light commitment on my part. My perspective needs to be changed to that of Paul. I need to see the eternal impact of the gospel in my own heart, and as the call of my life. I know that as I give account for myself, there will be much sadness over this in me. And I want to be able to hear words of encouragement from my Lord. I want to be a servant who hears the praise of "well-done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord".

Thoughts of judgement are not popular. They intimidate when they should bring intimacy. My perspective on them is changed when I realize that the closeness of my relationship with Jesus should naturally invite the scrutiny, and when I draw closer to Him, the approval of my Master may well be felt and understood RIGHT NOW, making the fear of future judgement less of my heart's sense.

Lord Jesus,
I will appear to give account. I do so now when I take the time to offer this day to You, My Lord, for Your service, Your glory, Your purposes. You know what I will face. I pray that I will sensitive to Your leading, to the teaching of Your Word and the prompting of Your Spirit. Make something of eternal worth in me today.
Amen

4:22 AM - 6/17/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Yes, She's Whacked Out

Ok, so fast forward to spring. My mother is still going downhill and is put into the hospital.  My sister went with to the emergency room. When she described the events, it sounded like my father was really stressed out and losing it. When I talked to him, he was surprisingly upbeat and all the more 'with it'. I went to see her the next day or so and it was really scarry. She couldn't sit up or feed herself. She did not want to eat. The physical therapy evaluation was pretty bad. But of course, if they got her to the point where she could walk, where would she go? Would she wander out of the house or turn the stove on? My father was so affectionate and attentive. One staff member called them 'love birds'.

My sister happened to be there when her doctor came to see her. My sister revealed (if it's true because who can believe a word she says) that when she was around 17, my mother showed her where some sleeping pills were. She allegedly told her that if she ever got to be in the shape my grandfather was in, that she should feed her the pills. She says that my mother wouldn't let her leave the room until she agreed.  The time seems a bit early chronologically, but again, I don't think we can believe much of what she says. In addition to her current state, she has been a legendary exaggerator since her fist day of  h.s. when she came home with overblown impersonations of her teachers.

So, to shorten the tale, my sister says that the doctor agrees that it's not a good idea to try to keep her alive by artificial means. Getting her to eat anything was only accomplished with great effort on my father's part. The hospital staff could not get her to eat at all (surprise). The decision is made not to insert a feeding tube. Let me repeat that it was always my mother's fear that she would end up like this. My mother, not a glamorous beauty, would always get very flustered if someone came to the door when her hair was not fixed or her makeup was not on. She lived in fear that we would see her without her dentures. When I think of how we and the world see her now....I shudder.

If my sister is telling the truth, it must be just awful for her to go through life knowing that she did not fulfill my mother's final wish. Glad I'm not in her shoes. In sooooo many ways.  I really hate to admit it, but my mother is in a locked Alzheimer's unit.  I honestly, truthfully, confess it right here.  The first time I passed through that door, I thought, "Wow, someone in my family is on a locked unit   AND IT ISN'T ME!! Who would have *thunk* it? AND, while we're on the subject, considering my sister, I'm not the most whacked out member of the family.  Again I ask you, would have thunk it? More on...MUCH MORE ON my sister's mental health is to come. The first time that I recognized that something truly was wrong.....I speculate on what disorder(s) she actually has...

6:15 PM - 6/16/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

My Whacked Out Sister III

So, my sister starts complaining about my father like he's a criminal. She got my aunt in on it too. Now my sister isn't talking to her either. Thank goodness. The last think I'd want would be her calling all the time. She's 81 and  lives about 2.5 hours away and my uncle has had the same fate as my mother so I think I'm safe for the time being. My sister is aging just the way my aunt did, only worse because she's not only self-rightous and snippy, but she's also hyper. My husband says that she's also becoming like his aunt, who is also estranged. I'll dish the dirt on everybody sooner or later. He says it's good because he knows the playbook and will be able to predict her moves.

So around Jan-Feb.,  while my sister is calling/e-mailing me with the worried daughter routine, I would call my father. She had suggested that we either chip in and hire a cleaning service or we take turns going there once a week. Fine. Only my father kept saying, "We're ok now. I'll manage for as long as I can." Hey, he's 81 but he drives just fine, still cuts the grass, and makes perfect sense. Oh sure, he can be curmudgeonly, but that's normal for his age. He's usually upbeat and active. Finally I was able to gently convince my sister without lighting her fuse, that my father was doing the best he could and that this situation was really hard on him. He's worked all his life, he's always been there for us, he's lucky to be alive (family history not good) and he doesn't deserve this lot in life. Predictably, my mother eventually deteriorated. She became incontinent. It became harder for him to get her up to clean her (the man is a saint) or to get her to bed, etc. He got more frustrated (in a sad, not angry way) with my mother's growing idiosyncracies. My sister had a fit that he said in the evil, admonishing tone that is her speaking voice, "She'll only eat twinkies" thus mocking what my father says. My husband's grandmother is in a nursing home. She only eats desserts. Hmm, *professional* care givers can't even get her to eat a good meal. Well, guess what? If we got her to eat perfectly nutritious meals, it wouldn't bring her mind back. May as well let her eat what she wants at this point. The doctor eventually said that too. Big surprise.

So I've got my sister calling and wailing away and my father painting a different picture, saying they're fine. Should I have gone over there more? Maybe. Am I a rat for not? I don't know. My sister lives further away than I do, but she can drive expressways, etc. with no problem at all. She has a son in college and a daugher who just finished h.s. She's independent really, she drives and everything. My sister works as a personal trainer (and she's just been made obsolete by the Wii. I know there are good ones and I know people like them, but I can't resist taking a shot.)  More about my sister's career/etc. later. I did help my father get secondary prescription insurance information from the computer. It literally took me three days. At one point no had been able to contact them for days by phone. My husband left work and went to check on them. The phone was out and they didn't know it. He went out and bought a new phone/answering machine, hooked it up, showed him how to use it, wouldn't take any money for the machine, helped him get his phone co. out there and made arrangements for us to call a neighbor if it ever happened again. That's gotta count for something.

Maybe I hadn't been there since Christmas, but at least on Christmas, I stayed for more than 30-45 min. Since my mother could no longer make dinner, I suggested that we take over, but my sister suggested that we order a pizza.  Christmas Eve, also my sister's b-day, was always a very very special night for us. Not this time. She glared, she paced, she was short and snippy and made everybody feel very uncomfortable. She kept raving, quite unbelievably if you ask me, about her church pageant. "Oh remember last year when little so- and so fell asleep". Remember her kids are far beyond pageant age. Come to think of it, when her kids were little, they either spent the night at my parents house or stayed until late in the evening.  This was obviously going to be my mother's last Christmas where she half knew who people were, but they had more important things to do. They decided that they did not have time to eat. As is tradition, we both brought Christmas cookies. Guess who we saw smuggle her tin back without offering it to my parents?  So they ran out of there like bats out of hell, leaving us awkwardly trying to keep the 'party' going. Our kids were starving. We, ever the miscreants, looked up her area churches online and darn if there was nothing resembling a pageant anywhere near that date and time. The best guess that the rest of us can come up with is that they were fighting. (Fighting? Wouldn't being married to that be absolute bliss? I'm confused.) And to all a good night.

5:56 PM - 6/16/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Just Thought I'd Mention..

9:31 AM - 6/16/2008 - comments {1} - post comment

Healing a Wounded Heart

8:06 AM - 6/16/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Midsummer's Eve Love Divination

7:53 AM - 6/16/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Cure for what ails me.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
2 Corinthians 4:16

For a man in middle age, these are encouraging words. My body has recontoured. I look back at pictures of me in my 20's and I realize I won't be like that any more. My outer self is going the way of all flesh. The inevitable fight against age and gravity is impossible to win. Hollywood stars spend millions on surgery and personal training to keep up appearances. I am not sure that if I had the means I would indulge such luxury. After all, my eternal soul is really ageless.

That is the difficulty. I feel like I can do so much. I feel youthful even if my body says differently. A checkup last week with the doctor confirmed that osteoarthritis is still setting in. Pain in my shoulder and neck is probably to be expected for the rest of my life. For the first time the doctor suggested shots for the pain if it persists. More wasting away.

But in Christ there is a dynamic to me that overcomes the drag of this outer shell's diminishing abilities. I am renewed in the Lord daily. His Word, His people, His work rejuvenates me. And I rejoice in this. I find hope in the reality that my feelings will not change despite what happens to my body.

No pill could provide this. No amount of exercise, weight loss, medication, nutrition or personal training can induce what the Spirit of God and the Word of God give to me. And for that reason I will not lose heart.

6:21 AM - 6/16/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Weekend update

12:02 AM - 6/14/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

To Erato With Love: Bonus Feature!

7:56 AM - 6/13/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

To Erato With Love: Blue

4:28 AM - 6/13/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Secrets of Labyrinth-Way Martial Arts

8:58 AM - 6/12/2008 - comments {2} - post comment

Willing but Weak

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Mark 14:38

On the night that Your spirit was torn
with the prospect of Your sacrifice
the men that You had borne
through ministry slept.

As Your soul cried out in pain
they could not stay awake
and You approached them again
warning them to stay fresh.

But they fell asleep while You agonized;
they did not share Your passion
for the souls of men. They should have recognized
what was happening, but they were dull

Still, You used the opportunity of their shrinking
to call them to spiritual strength and duty
Had they truly been awake and thinking
they could have seen the victory coming

So like these men am I today
I am sure I sleep
missing the chance to see the way
Your glory is revealed.

Forgive my weakness, make my spirit strong
and willing to follow You in the night of Your passion
so that in the end I will worthily belong
to those who watch and pray and enter not into temptation.

5:14 AM - 6/12/2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Quote of the Week: It is because of men that women dislike one another--Jean de La Bruyere

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