i spent the day with ana earlier, we ate at a chinese restaurant and filled ourselves with lots of prawns and squids. bought a new dvd player coz my im having problems with my pc and i have tons of love stories waiting for my to be watched.

i met with the other leaders of the community group earlier this evening, they have plans of uniting all the theater group in our place. good idea, but we're not sure if its feasible. other community group have gaps with other groups, so its a wait and see situation.

i missed paolo's usual call at night. i tried texting him but he's not replying. so i called him after midnight and was able to talk to him for a short while only. he was already asleep coz he's not feeling well. im not quite sure why i feel like crying. i dont have any right to be hurt if he wasnt able to say goodnight or that he wasnt able to call. we are friends, and we might be more than friends, but i dont have any right to expect too much from him. coming from a previous relationship where i was taken for granted, i told myself that i will not depend too much on my partner next time i shall have a relationship. what happened before had hurt me extremely and im not sure if i can take another experience of that sort again, it was an emotional torture.

paolo told me that im pessimistic. i told him im just being realistic. he might like me now that we're working together, but i usually tell him, he will meet other girls when he change jobs or be deployed to other project site. yes, i am insecure, i am doubtful and most of all been hurt before. its not only the age difference im worried about but also of myself, i cant help but think of the hurtful things my ex have told me. and i keep on wondering if im really that kind of person, he painted a very bad image of me, and it stuck in my mind. i dont want to wallow in self pity but i cant help it. he did a fine job of destroying my soul and my self esteem. and for now, im still on the process of improving myself, of becoming my old self again before i met him. yep, i wasted years of my life, becoming what i believed at that time the perfect partner for ex. but the worst is over, i am now ready to be back on my feet again, but its also the hardest part. im struggling to be me again...

IStarr