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im feeling down right now. full of pain, fear, self pity .... i dont know how will i be able to cope with my pregnancy financially and emotionally. i've got nothing to offer to the child, i dont even know if i still have the capacity to love, i carry in me, a child unwanted by its father, treated as a mistake by my own mother. what future can i offer to this child when i myself never felt the love of a family member, or a significant other. was this given to me, to have someone to love me? sometimes i ask myself, if it would have been easier if i terminated it. was i really the murderer, my ex accussed me of? do i really have it in me to kill an innocent? or maybe it will be better to put in an adoption? but what if, at some point of my life i regret it? i really dont know what to do, nor think... am i really destined to be alone for the rest of my life? maybe my mom's right. im such a bad person that no one in his right mind will be able to live with me nor love me ....
IStarr
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I just read your blog about your depression and desperation regarding your pregnancy. I work for an organization that seeks to help women facing unexpected pregnancy, as well as those who have experienced abortion. Many of the women I work with have experienced abortion.
Let me say first that I understand your feelings of depression and unworthiness, as I struggle with similar feelings a great deal of the time as well. I believe many people do, but few really face it. I am also often concerned that I will be the worst mother in the world, even though my circumstances are not all that bad, other than my personal failings. I think it's something that many women struggle with, because thinking about the enormity of the task can be mind-blowing. However, recognizing our weaknesses is the first step to overcoming them, yes?
You have, growing inside you a beautiful human being who is completely worth your love and attention, love and attention that I believe you will find ARE inside you when you see the little person being formed in your womb.
However, no amount of encouragement is really going to help you as long as you are struggling to find resources. I understand your contemplation of abortion, as that may seem like an easy way out. It is not. Women who have had abortions typically feel only one positive emotion afterwards: relief, and that is only temporary. It is quickly supplanted by negative emotions, and many women never fully heal from the experience. Not to mention the physical damage that abortion does to your body.
There IS help out there for women who wish to parent their children but are concerned about their ability to provide. I encourage you to visit www.optionline.org or call 1-800-395-HELP (4357). They can connect you with resources.
There is also the option of Open Adoption. I know people have been on both ends of this option. In Open Adoption, the child is not lost to the parent until 18 or possibly forever. In an Open Adoption the mother gets to choose the parents, gets to remain in contact with them and the child, and is treated as part of the family. A girl I know who placed her baby in an Open Adoption (the child is now 10 I think), named her child, receives pictures, can go visit, etc. And many women who place their children for adoption are reunited later. My husband has two cousins (twins) who were adopted almost 30 years ago, and they recently found their mother and got in contact with her. I met them and their biological mother and their little brothers, who are also twins, at their grandfather's funeral about a year and a half ago. There was no friction between their biological family and their adoptive family, just joy at the reunion. I thought it was the coolest thing. She was lovely and I was filled with admiration for her because she was able to give her daughters a great life (their adoptive parents, my husband's aunt and uncle, are wonderful people who have provided well financially and emotionally for their daughters, both the twins and the biological daughter they had after adopting the twins). Whatever her circumstances were when she was pregnant with the girls, she had overcome them and nows know that she was always their mother, as they see her now.
Also, in most states in the USA (I'm not sure where you are located), a mother cannot sign any papers placing her child for adoption until after she gives birth. In many states, you also have between 1 and 6 months to rethink your decision and get your baby back. So Adoption is something that you can think about for a while and then change your mind if you decide you want to parent after all. If you're in CA or can get there, I recommend checking out www.adoptionnetwork.com. This organization provides well for the birth mothers, including a place to live during the pregnancy and recovery period, and even provides career guidance counseling while you're living in their very nice apartments. You can browse through profiles of their couples waiting to adopt.
I hope this helps you. I'll be thinking about you.