At the very beginning of brightness
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6/3/2006
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my eyes are sore
Posted By
jazz
My eyes are sore
The tears they hurt
The pain
is just too much
I cannot explain
the pain
it's just too real
my eyes are sore
my wrists are too
but most of all my heart
I showed my love for you
yes i am a fool
you showed you
didn't care
that horrid stare
it's just not fair
i want to be with you
but no.
My eyes are sore
my mind is too
for loving you
turned me so blue. |
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6/3/2006
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Running, running.......
Posted By
jazz
Evermore- running
this song influences me
I want to run
Away
From my hurtful life
From friends who have better care
Are more concerned about their hair
From eyes who stare
who scare me
and I am afraid.
And I want to run
To forget
To begin again
To learn to dance
To sing
But no, the sting
It is too much
I must let go
but I cannot. |
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6/3/2006
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Why do I let them do this!!
Posted By
MisCatt
??????? I fucking hate this place!! I just want to get back to the ship and forget about these people for a few precious moments. I tried to talk to my mother about puting a music site on her computer and of coarse before I could even finish my sentence she just looks at me with that look! and says "NO!!" So I just said ok, fine. Never fucking mind. Fuck I dont want to talk to someone like that. I mean she can be such a bitch sometimes! And I know that Im not the easiest person to get along with and I can be overly sensitive. But she has no idea what its like to be stuck here all day with nothing to do and stuff that I could do, I cant cause Im still getting paid from the ship! My Redneck babes went back to the ship and now I wake up cold as ice. When we were cuddling I would steal her fire and wake up hot as hell and she would be cold as ice. So when we woke up it was all fire and ice. At least that what it was like for me. I was so mad at my mother and like not even 30 seconds after it was over my babes called and let me vent for a min. and I was fine. She has a weird calming effect on me. When I get mad she gives me sanity I so lack. And I hate my family! So fucking much!!
Im not crazy really I just have been writting this entry for way too long and my temper is blazing every time I attempt to interact with anyone in the family. So thats why this entryseems like Im bi-polar.
I have also been up for 31 1/2hours so far without caffeine, ShinerBock, Liquor, drugs, or legal OTC drugs.
What the fuck. Be Back Later I love you my redneck! If your reading this I miss you baby.........Miss Me Baby!
~Blessed Be~ MisCatt |
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5/30/2006
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Whats wrong with the redneck?
Posted By
MisCatt
???????????? I want to go back to my ship! And now the redneck is trying to be funny!She went back to the ship about 3 weeks ago and I miss her too much!I cant wait to back to my ship. But the only problem is that she is going to be on a different ship! Well that and the fact that every time I talk to her there is someone new trying to get down her pants or take my side of the bed? And she will tell you I'm pretty violent when it comes to my side of the bed!!! I have been back home for about 3 months now and I am still quite far from being ready to go back to work. Since I was 16, untill now this is the 2nd longest I have ever been out of work. And the other time was because I had just run away from home and I was trying to find somewhere to live longer than a couple days.
I have no worries about her cheating on me at all. I trust her and if she meets some guy while we are apart and she really likes him I would tell her to rock the fuck on!! But I dont want her to meet any other girls to be interested in. Although there arent many I would see as a real threat. And guys are no threat at all to me. I love my Redneck. She keeps me sane. Also the only reason for the title was that was what I had been asking her on the phone while I was writing!!
~ Blessed Be ~ MisCatt |
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5/29/2006
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Quote of the month?
Posted By
MisCatt
OUR MOST IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ARE THOSE THAT WHICH CONTRADICT OUR EMOTIONS-
- PAUL VALERY
I dont remember when I was going to put this in, or where I got it, but its good! |
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4/3/2006
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OK, Shes on the phone right now!!!
Posted By
MisCatt
I told her I wasnt mad and that I did'nt want to talk about it. So now shes telling me about everything that she did this weekend!! And shes dosent belive me that I'm OK. But actually I dont really care anymore! I have much bigger things to be pissed about other than the girlfriend person getting drunk and stupid!! Damn she is so fucking funny!! What will I do with all these rednecks!!!
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4/3/2006
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Why am I always so fucking mad?
Posted By
MisCatt
At the moment I'm mad at the Girlfriend. Because she is always telling me that when she gets drunk she is way too fucking honest!? So as you can imagine..... she called me a few times this weekend while at some fucking chili redneck drunkfest! And The first day I answered her first few drunk dials cause it was like 9:00 pm!! So after getting really pissed off at the weird ass/ fucked up things she said and not to mention the things I heard! I stopped answering the phone.
So when she started calling again, to avoid a fight, I just turned off the ringer. But I did listen to the voice-mails she left after almost every call. But this thing lasted like 3 days!So nowIts like over and we still arent talking! I tried calling her but either her phone goes straight to voice-mail, or she "cant talk". What the hell am I gonna do? Any advice? Anyone?
~Blessed Be~
MisCatt
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4/2/2006
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What would it take?
Posted By
MisCatt
Would it work if I shot myseff in the head? In public view? Maybe then they would fucking notice me? But probably not! If anything they would probably just get pissed that I got their cloths dirty! Assholes! Sometimes I feel like Im not even real, that Im just dreaming cause as loud as everyone tells me Iam, no one in my family seems to hear me! Or maybe they just dont give a fuck about what I have to say!
????????? Tonight was my little brothers 20th birthday dinner!?They went out to a nice Persian restaurant and ate some nice food and I just kinda sat at the end of the table and watched them. A few times when I made an attempt to join in the conversation I was not shot down, or given a dirty look, I was just fucking ignored! If ignored is the right word, I mean I really just think they have gotten so used to tuning me out that its not even a problem anymore! But anyway........... Before we left to go the restaurant a few of us were siting in the living room and had a nice chat and listened to the new Cirque du solei soundtrack. All was going welll untill somehow the subject of homosexuality came upon the table! Mind this conversation was being had by myself, my brother and his girlfriend, the step father, and a close?family friend. Now dont get me wrong the family friend is cool as hell, hes really laid back and just has a cool attitude about everything. So anyway my step dad thinks that you are gay when you are born and there nothing you can do about it! Gay is gay and its just all about genetics!! You are just doomed by DNA to be gay or straight! Being a bi-sexual woman my self?I wanted to go?all kinds of Dike on his ass and just bloody him! I also have lots of Gay friends and was really?just?shocked by that!?And everyone else was just like what the fuck are you talking about?
?????? So I was already pissed to begin with! And then @ dinner Iwas like trying to say something to my brother and he was just totaly unresponsive! And I was like?" Well it would be nice if you would listen to me or at least act like you fucking hear me!"? Ok I didnt say "fucking" but the rest is true! And right after I got done rolling my eyes?in his direction ?the family friend(FF) turned to me and said " hey I'm listining to you" and gave me this 'I know what you mean' look! And I just thought that was really fucking cool of him!! So I just talked to him all night. And I usualy dont really like my parents friends cause their just a little too stuffy for my taste, but FF was really cool and nice! Like he got all my jokes and I actually got all of his too! Even the one that my parents totaly didnt have a clue about!So like most of the dinner was enjoyable! Like I actually had a nice time(Not to mention the glass and a half of wine helped alot too!LOL!)?And then he left and I was back in?hell!?Im fucking tired! I'll come back to this later!!
????????
???????????????????????? ~Blessed Be~
??????????????????????????????????? MisCatt |
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3/22/2006
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Back 4rm Hawaii, back 2 hell
Posted By
MisCatt
Well I have been in Hawaii for the last 5 months, and now Im back home. Broken. A week before I was supposed to go on vacation I slipped in the galley and busted my ass! Now insted of vacation,? so now I'm on medical leave, on vacation! It sucks but its nice to be home. Although I can barely walk, I have constant?headachs and untill last week I couldn't move my right arm with out extreme pain!! But its cool, cuz im getting paid! So this is week 4 of my vacation/ med leave, and the 1st week I went to the doctor and set up all of my shit with the company. But the second week I went back to San Antonio spent lots of money, saw lots of friends and got into lots of trouble, but I'll save that for another paragraph.And this last week I went to Taos NM and went skiing with my family for spring break. And although my friends begged me to stay and hang with them and another opted for me?to stay back a few days and drive up with my best friend. But no?I didnt listen and I went up with my family against my friends begging and look what happened!?! On the first day I busted my ass once again breaking this assholes fall and fucked up my knee even more and spent the whole week in bed alone, in a fucking cabin in cold ass NM! But its cool cause I'm not paying for the doctor bills, the company I work for is cause I broke myself on the clock on the ship! Fuck em! o now Im back to my journal trying to update it with all the juicy stories from the cruise ship!?6months of working every single day 70 hours at work under constant supervision from security and other crew members and I cant wait to go back!! Spicy stories to come!!?
~ Blessed Be~
MisCatt |
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10/27/2005
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Kid's Grades
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I went to take Jay to school this A.M. and had the first PT conference of the year. She made a 97 out of 100 on her BRIGANCE test. This test measures a childs ability to function in school, so I guess she functions well. Isaiah's PT thing was last week and they said he was in the highest reading and math classes. He is scoring Mastery in all his work. I am so proud of them. They are really smart and I did that all by myself (ok with a little help from them but mostly me).
Well this weekend I am going to give each of them $10 and let them go pick out a toy that they want. They have definately earned it. | |
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10/27/2005
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Personalities
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My Jay:
FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy..Temperamental. Quiet,shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily
hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp.Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions
My Isaiah:
MARCH:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others.
Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor. Musically talented.Loves special things. Moody.
And Lil Ole Me:
APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty.Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others.Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.(DOES THAT MEAN I AM NOT SEXY? DAMN THAT SUCKS)
'Ri:
OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often.Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
D:
SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Stubborn.Quiet. Uncomfortable if have to talk to a group. Calm. Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding.
Secretive. Loves sports and leisure. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships.
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10/27/2005
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Yuck...
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Shew I have been busy!!!I got to go get Jay in about an hour and I didn't get anything done yet again. I got the look of some of my work done up but any of the work to go with it done? Nope NuhHuh. Just being a lazy ass. I hate it when I do that but I am just not feeling it today. I want to get as much done as possible but I am not sleeping at night.
One of the things I did get done was to smoke myself stupid. I have smoked almost a whole pack of cigs today... so much for cutting back. I want to quit but I am not sure how to do it. Help someone!!!
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10/27/2005
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Halloween
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So I got the kids ready for halloween. Jamen is going as a Boobah and Sai is going as a cop. Of course I have to do it all alone because of the fact that everybody else will be gone. I think it will be good but I bet I will be exhausted by the time it is over with.
Usually I am really excited this time of the year. I know it is getting to be close to Christmas, which is my favorite. But this year it is just taking way too much effort. I do not have the money to get the kids the toys they want. I do not have the money for costumes. I have no money for Thanksgiving dinner. If anyone wants to donate to some poor people I would really appreciate it!!!
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10/27/2005
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Good Deal
I am so passing my classes. I did my average check on my classes this morning and I am making B averages in each of them!!
The bad news:
I bombed so bad on the midterms.
I really thought I had done a good job but I guess I didn't study enough. I kinda did the "Whatever. I'll Pass" thing...Boy was I wrong!
 And while I am ranting on and on:
D came by and said "S'up" to me. FOr you who don't know K&D speak that means "What ya wanna do? Be friends? More than friend? What?"
Well not this girl. I say "Nothing with you!" and (pat on back) go far away from him.
He is going to jail this Friday and he wants some from me....oh well! He better go look elsewhere, not this girl, not this time. |
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10/27/2005
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What is up?
Posted By
Kay
This is the pic someone made for me!!! Kinda cool...
Anyways this is the kind of things that I have had going on in my life. I am so bored without the kids home during the day that I am looking for things to do. I just want to do SOMETHING!!! I do nothing for like 10-16 hours a day. The kids are not here for me to keep busy with. Don't have a guy here and Guage...well she sleeps so much that I just feel like I am all alone all the time. I was spending time with Angel but she is so sleepy now that she is closer to having the baby that I just dunno what to do. I can not believe there are so many new kids around. I am the only one not having a new baby. Gauge's mom found out she is having another in April. (And she says she is naming it Nirvana Rae) We will have a Nirvana Rae and Gauge Legend!!! What a retard!
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10/25/2005
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Fuck off
This is what I managed to tell the Idiot this week. I am sick of having to be "the responsible one" all the time while he gets to be the one the kids want to be with. So instead I managed to tell him until he is ready to parent like I do then he can keep his fuckin ass on the other side of the country where he manages to escape to once every few months anyways. I mean really if you can't help then why come around. Why call to say I can't call you? Why send me a letter to say you can't pay your child suport? Why come by if it is going to be too late at night to see them anyways? GET A LIFE!!!
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10/25/2005
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Welcome
To the craziness of my life. Not today though. UH HUH no way. Today I managed to get all three kids asleep at the same time. Imagine that. Ya think my parenting skills are improving? Well I do. On top of that I have went from a C average to a B average in my classes so I must be doing something right, right? Someone give me an answer please!!! Alrighty then...I am alone here. Well in that case I will pat myself on the back and say good job to myself. |
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10/24/2005
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Sundays
Yep this is exactly how I feel today. I do not know how my day "off" always ends up being another day with too much to do but it does. And I dunno if I like it anymore. I want one day with not a lot to do. But that isn't today. The kids are still with B&L so I guess I can get some homework done, but the problem is that I don't wanna do it right now. I want to be just absolutely lazy. I wanna lay down and watch a movie or something. I still have to wash dishes too since Mellie is coming for dinner. Ugggg! |
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10/22/2005
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So where do I begin?
This has been one of the longest few days of my life. I am sure I am close to losing my mind. The car breaking down and the kids being absolutely crazy and the rest of the mess. I am just not sure what to do. And to beat it all I am in love with someone and can't do anything to see them or touch them or even speak to them. How is this possible? What do I do?
I have had one of the worst toothaches for the last few days. I have tried everything to make it go away and nothing is working.
I am so tired. I have been up since about 4 because of the toothache and I have got like three hours a day for the last few days.
I am just cranky!!!!! |
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10/21/2005
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Bedtimes
I am sick of bedtimes. I wish I could just let them stay up all night and then they would sleep when they want to and that the whole world could all be just one big game. But it isn't like that and I have to pay the price of sleepy-time. They have big ole hissy fits and they cry and I want to pull my hair out because I just want five minutes of free time. Does that make me a bad mom? If it does I don't care because I need the five minutes. I mean I NEED IT!!!! The all day busy busy busy is enough to make a girl crazy and that is awful. I like being crazy but I also like being able to think without the "mommy mommy mommy" that I get every second of everyday!!! I am just so tired I guess and that tends to make me a little cranky to say the least. Well I guess it is off to the work that needs to be done. OMG it is already after 8 and nothing is done!!! I gotta get busy. I got to get it done before three a.m. or I won't get my needed three hours of sleep.
Would someone please give me a bedtime? |
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About Me
Youth time is just such short as the beauty of flowers |
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