Sometimes I just don't know what to do. Am I turning into one pathetic person? Am I getting too airy? Has my attitude changed for the worst?

I seem to pick fights easier these days. I don't know how they came about. I'm not even intending to have those arguments. They have become pissed off at me so fast. Is it because of my words or actions? Or are they simply happening because of me?

I don't know anymore. I'm all this misunderstood girl. I don't want to be that. I want to make them understand somehow some things. But they seem to judge me first then complain that I cannot be understood. That or they say that I cannot be understood.

I'm tired of it. I just want to know if I'm worthy to be understood. Because if I'm not, then I'll end the argument. I'll stay away or whatever.

It's sem break again! Thank God! No more Anatomy memorizations, no more stupid speech activities, no more assignments for the next two weeks. Haaay salamat...

I know the second sem's going to be harder but then I still have two weeks to think about that. I'm just glad that we are on a break now. I can sleep peacefully again and not worry about any grade or whatever the next day.

Masskara naman....hmmm...tani ma-gwa kami tuod karon. Nami lagaw...

Does there come a time in a student's life where in he doesn't care anymore? That even if he's flunking in everything, he just doesn't care? Is it even possible that one can just wish to end it all and just go away?

I miss Harry Potter. I miss the Multer Productions. I miss COD. Bottom line is I'm not taking everything too well and falling back.

I should be studying right now. The short test about the cardiovascular system will be in a few hours. I can now distinguish her short quizzes and long quizszes. If she hasn't finished the chapter yet, it's called a short quiz. It doesn't matter on how many items there are. The fact of the matter is that it's just a part of the chapter. For a long quiz, it's already the whole chapter and for Dr. Manalili, it's quite synnymous with exam already.

Okay. I'm so full of crap today. Why can't I just get going and study? Argh!!!

The heart has four chambers. Two atria; two ventricles. The arteries carry blood away from the heart while the veins carry the blood to the heart. Pericarditis is the inflammation of the pericardium. The circle of Willis supplies the blood of the brain andit includes the...okay, I forgot what.

Argh!

I used to be...well, not really on top but somewhere there. I was always on the loop. Now, I don't know...I'm getting myself weak. All the chances, I don't know. They've been screwed up and I don't know how to make of them. I want to cry but I don't know hw that will work out. Everything has been a mess. I really would like a break but damn, I know I can't get that. I think I'm going to explode. There's a ticking bomb somewhere inside of me...the time is unwarranted though.

I know I said that I wish (just wishful thinking) something would happen for me to reevaluate my course and maybe shift but I never expected it to backlash at my grades. I am so pathetic. Why am I even thinking about these? I'm all so worked up.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really really want a breather. To maybe go away for a week or two or even a month. Everything else is suffering. Everyone else thinks I'm coping up with it but the truth is, I'm not. I'm lagging behind and I'm very clueless on how to lift my state.

I know that there is truth to what everybody says about having a "rainbow after the rain." But somehow, my reality right now doesn't see that. It's true, I can attest that but right now, I'm bull****ing it.

Argh!

Ahhh...my JournalHome blog! I missed writing to you. Of why I haven't had any entry for the past...weeks...I'm not so sure why. Commit it to laziness or busyness or something. I'm not really sure I have the correct answer to that. As of the moment, I'm surfing the net for meanings of flowers. At first it was just for something I'm writing but now it has caught my entire interest. Hmmm...I still don't like the rose. It's so cliché. I'm enjoying this so far. There are lots of meanings for the flowers. Some, I only knew now. Meanings and flowers.

Prelim exams have just finished and it was hard. Great. I hope I passed. Tomorrow, it's the Nursing Acquaintance Party. I suppose it would be like last year where we did not have any spot, no supervision, no fun, no acquaintance, just there being ignored. What's the purpose of this anyway? There's more than a thousand kids in Nursing department. Do they really expect us to mingle that easily and be comfortable with each other? We don't even know half the people in our year let alone the whole college. Okay, I'm venting again. I need to stop. 

The daffodil sure has a lot of meanings: 

Respect, Regard, Unrequited Love, You're the Only One, The Sun is Always Shining when I'm with You

Nice. Haha 

Yeah! The tulip still wins me over rather than the rose.  

I am in love with that song as of the moment. I'm into the whole HSM thing before everyone else here which is good. Haha...I'm so selfish...but I don't care really.

| Troyella | Troyella |

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. Dad's back to his od ways again. I would've thought that the pain would make him quit. Was I naïve to think that? 5 ½ months. Forever for me was just a freaking phase to him. When mom told me the other night, I didn't quite have faith in her words. But then I saw it with my own eyes last night. My heart plummeted to the ground as I saw the lighted cigarette in his hand yet I somehow managed to give him a smile. I grew up used to seeing him do these that even though they were slowly eating me apart, I still accepted them. But this is just insane. He knows the consequences very well now yet he came back to it. I don't want him to suffer; I don't want him to die. Is that a selfish thing?

I tried to see it your way but I can’t. I’m not sorry to say I won’t ever think that way. I only said okay because I did not want to fight this thing over text. The feelings and emotions are not there when it’s all just in cyberspace. A lot of things can be misinterpreted. Maybe even the whole thing can be misread. Nothing beats talking face to face, with the physical being right then and there.

That’s where you need to start, right? Get a backbone and talk to me in person. Do something! All you have been doing is text me or chat in YM. You’re all words…that’s what I have in mind now. It seems you disagree with the quote “Actions speak louder than words.” If confidence can be bought, my friend could’ve bought you one eons ago. Maybe even added spare ones. Plus, he’d also chuck in a backbone for you. Yep, that’s how useless you are in our eyes right now.

Just enjoy our love or whatever this is. No commitments.

I don’t share your sentiment on that. You make out commitments to be just hassles. I know. Even though you say you love me, you don’t want to make commitments simply because you’re committed to her. It’s still her even if I weigh more in that precious heart of yours. I’m just an alibi until the real thing comes in…when will she come home? Oh December. She’ll be coming in December from the land down under sporting a twang and you’ll ditch me to be with her. Why? Your mind says so and that’s the only thing you trust.

What hurts more? Seeing your committed partner flirting with another person or seeing the one you don’t really have a commitment with canoodling with somebody else? I would think the second one hurts more but hey that’s just me. With the second one, you have jealousy sparking in you but then you don’t have any right off it. You’re not together so technically, you shouldn’t feel that way. Doesn’t that pain you more?

So we’re two opposites. Fine. Done. Whatever. We have spent more time in arguing or me getting angry at you or me being hurt than actually spending glorious times with each other.

Everything’s just great. It’s all going smoothly…down the drain. I’ve said what I necessarily need to say and now it’s your turn. Or are you still working on it as what you have said since the beginning?

I made my decision and I'm going to stick to it. No running away now. I don't think I'll be able to live with that. It's a stupid one, I know but I chose this road. It's like a dilemma anyway. Why was I ever cursed with this one? Whatever it is, it's useless to know now because I'm in too deep. I don't know how I feel. I'm not really sure of them as the moment. I've never been in this situation before. I'm scared as hell, yeah. But somebody up there will guide me, right? I just hope I listen to Him. Note to self: PRAY more. I do not understand how a simple gesture could have all that I spent building come crashing down on me. But there's no use whining about it now. It's over; it happened. I just need to get a hold of myself and face the actions I did. Even if it'll all come crashing down on me, I can't say I didn't take responsibility for it. I am now a villain in this fairy tale yet why is it that I didn't feel any guilt earlier? Tsakto gd: masarap ang bawal. 

Ugh! Our teacher is so easy to abhor! She barely explained to us our project last week and now she just up and says it's due on Friday?! Great. Why does she do this to us? Did we ever do anything bad to her in the first sem? As far as I remember, we were very okay with her class. We didn't give her a hard time or anything.

Okay, some might say we're overreacting and that it's natural for teachers to do that. But come on, just a little consideration! Can't she at least have that? Our STS teacher's okay. I mean, even if she gives on-the-spot quizzes, she makes sure that we've understood her discussion and her tests are not in jumbles unlike the Rizal teacher. 

Oh well, don't mind me. Just ranting off. Just trying to get the stress off my back.

Midterm exams finished. What to do now? I'm starting to dislike summer. For the next three years I will have to have classes the whole year. No chance for a vacation. Great. Another day of class tomorrow. What will they smash in our brains now? Hmmm...

I'm so shallow right now but I don't care. Me and my complains....hay... 

And this is a pointless entry.

This poem was written by my friend during our Rizal class. For most of the meetings, we had reporters talk about the many faces of the life of Dr. Jose Protacio Mercado Rizal y Alonso Realonda. I was one of them and it just flew past me. It's not that I hate the national hero. I hate the fact that after how many years (elemntary and high school), his life is still pushed down our throats. We know he was a brilliant guy and paved the way for the Philippines to be a free country. We already have that thought stuck in our brains. What more do you want?

On the first meeting, the teacher said that we are taught Rizal so we could develop our nationality, nationalism and patriotism. Truth be told, not one of the three heightened in me. Worse, I think my dislike for Rizal grew. All the information were rammed in our brain in such a short time. That's all just memorization. There's no understanding or getting to know the topic deeper. Through much of the reports, my classmates and I were muttering to let the guy die already so we don't have to have a lot of hand outs. I wish!

Me and my thoughts again. At least, I'm not the only one who thinks like this. 

I COULD NEVER HATE JOSE

I could never hate Jose
For writing the Noli and Fili.
I could never hate Jose
because he died for our country.

I could never hate Jose
Though he was charged of heresy.
I could never hate Jose
For accepting death freely.

But I could hate him forever
For dying without knowing who was "Jose".

*gasp*

It's been a long time since I've written here. Wow. I remember when I made it a habit to update this blog, even just a short poem, everyday. I miss those days. 

I've officially started to dislike summer. We are forced to have summer class because if we don't we'll be behind for a year. Great; just great. It's hard becasue we get all these hand-outs and it's like they're ordering us to stuff so much in our brain in such a short time. I hate that. Exams were just finished this morning. The college barkada had plans to go swimming after our last exam but thanks to our Rizal teacher, it was cancelled. She just up and announced yesterday (in the middle of our exam) that we need to present our project on Monday. It's choral interpretation and worse, she assigned me to be the leader of the first group. Add to that we have two irregular students in our group. Argh!

I just want the summer classes to end. Please, dear God.

Oh and have I mentioned that I now know a lot of cuss words? No, I don't use them on a regular basis. I reserve them for this particular person who gets on my nerves. He makes me very very, absolutely very mad. He does all these stupid things and he's all "What did I do wrong?" Um, EVERYTHING! He always does something to infuriate me and it has amounted to a big pile. I abhor this guy!