I am not trying to be morbid or trite. It is simply the way it seems to be for me now. I imagine most people arrive at a similar state and condition at one point or another in their lives. I do not know if it is a state of being you can experience when you are too young. In the mid thirties I think it begins to make a form inside your mind and soul. It has to be a time in your life when you have a long history to look back over. I saw a blog once by someone who was 16 years old and they were reflecting back on their life and their decisions. That is valid and has its place, but the feelings I am experiencing cannot be known at the age of 16... or even 26. And thank God for that or nothing would ever have gotten done by humanity other than mass extinction.

I feel I am infected with some sort of virus. A rotting away virus. I am infected with death and I do not like it. I am not being Goth or glorifying death. I do not understand death and I would rather avoid the entire affair, but it is not possible. I always knew we had at our core this moribund worm. But now he seems to stir in me, and no longer nibbles at my being but bites off large chunks and swallows them whole. He is being bloated and vile. The stronger he gets the weaker I become. Everyday there is at least one moment where I have to stop and ask myself. "is this what it feels like to begin dying?"