| Bill in Beijing That Which Passes Passes Like Clouds |
Reflections on desperate situations and lost causes Concerning Being and the Exquisite Necessity of Suffering I There certainly comes a time when each creature finds itself in a desperate situation. These times are what makes us similar to one another more than those cheerful and elated moments where the worm is gnawing away bite by bite at our bliss. These nightmare times will come with absolute certainty and we must face and endure them. It makes no difference really how we face them and whether or not we have passed some character test. All we have to do is survive. It does not matter if we are stronger or better but only if we are sane, sound and breathing still after the dust settles. II There have been times where I found myself in situations where I was bound up. I have been tied up and helpless with invisible cords. I was blinded by my own anger and ignorance. I said and did things I regret and for which little mercy was shown me by those I offended. I did not really deserve the little mercies I received even, and I betrayed trusts and second chances and third chances. There are people in my life who have never forgiven me for the wrong things I did to them. I want to be forgiven but I simply am not. I feel tortured and distressed and yet I sense I am only more human for the experience and there is nothing I want more than to simply be human. III There have been times, also, when I have to confess that I was not really sane. I fell off a steep precipice and dashed my head on sharp stones. I wonder if I should forgive myself for all the woeful things I did long ago that haunt my sleep still? I see no point in saying sorry to anyone because there no one is here anymore for me to say sorry to. All of those places and people are far away. On the other side of the world. They are ten thousand miles away and yet, I feel them in the next room. The sins of the past create in me a desperate sense of longing and urgency. But it is an urgency that can never be balanced and resolved. It simply has to be, over and over and over. A ghastly eternal recurrence. IV verything I have ever believed has been a lie. Why should I draw the conclusion that anything I believe now is something other than a lie or a deception. Everyone around me believes in some thing, passionately at times, yet why should I conclude that any one of them are correct and absolute and convert myself to their way of thinking and living. I am drawn into their world and thoughts as if I were smoking opium, but like a narcotic, yet the effects do not seem to last even a few good hours. V I want to believe in things and have a credo and fire in the belly. And of course I do believe in many things and yet I have no fervor and passion. I have a million beliefs maybe, but not one sound reason to fight or die for one of them. 4:24 PM - 1/5/2006 - post comment
Share and enjoy
|
Description The Chrocicles of the Wire Monkey/Sponsored by Miasma Inc. Home User Profile Archives Friends My Wall Jobe Smith's Blog Paul's Thailand Blog My Photo Log A Canadian Groovin' in Taiwan Ivy's Blog My Photo Log II Greatest Website in China Japanese Tabloid News Eightball Magazine Exploding Cigar Singapore Philosopher Simon Fripp Recent Entries - Reflections on desperate situations and lost causes - I just want all God's creatures to love life the way I do - If You really Knew Me You Would Not Like Me yadda yadda - Qin Nian Kuai Le - Quick Updates on Life in General... a little on the edgy side Friends |
