18/2/2010 - cold white anger

you know how it feels when you treat someone as your good friend then they treat you back like shit? you know how it feels when you take pains to ask someone out nicely and all they do is kaopeh? and to take the biscuit, your obvious display of annoyance and displeasure is branded as childish? what was a merry, relaxing and happy setting just minutes ago is now replaced with cold white anger. is it worth it?

30/12/2009 - Manchester and Leicester

We went up the M1 to Manchester 2 days ago. Passed by a whole host of cities and towns including Stoke-on-Trent and Stoke City's Britannia Stadium. After a 2 hour plus journey, we arrived in the city of Manchester,which was huge! We went to see Manchester University which was very old, and a more modern Manchester Metropolitan University. Manchester University is impressive, and I must say I realy would love to study there. Its a city campus with no boundaries, meaning the next lecture could be across the road in a public place with shops and all! Rather interesting. The city is beautiful. Its red buildings a hallmark of its industrial past, and its the 3rd largest city in England, after London and Birmingham. We had lunch near the INTO college where it could be a possible route to Manchester University, which has very old and prestigious school, with the largest business school in England. I was mightily impressed. Then we went to the Trafford Centre, where we passed by Old Trafford along the way! Pilgrimage done for this year. haha. I roughly recollect being in Trafford centre before. But its huge! discounts were astounding, and its much much cheaper than Singapore after christmas thanks to the sale! I bought 3 CDs from HMV, since you can only find metal CDs in HMV; Atreyu (2009), Slayer (2009) and Children Of Bodom (2008). Overall,  it was a great day in Manchester, pity about the quickness of the nightfall by 5pm, but thats expected of winter.

Yesterday was a lazy day. We went for lunch nearby in Leicestershire, and tried the karting in Burton-On-Wolds but it was fully booked. In the end, we took the M1 south to Leicester and watched Avatar 3D at the Meridian Leisure Centre. Was a good show! It was a pretty long show, and it was snowing and the road was icy on the way back to Loughborough. Overall, it was a lazy day but a satisfying experience! Looking forward to visting Cambridge University and Devonshire! (:

28/12/2009 - LEICESTER TIGERS 32 SALE SHARKS 6

11/11/2009 - Last Day Being 19

my last day as a teenager. a personal milestone tommorow as i finally turn 20. but i feel its more than that. its not just for the sentiment, but one to ponder about....more than the sense of deja vu in recent times, this period of my life is drawing to a close. in a month's time, everything will be different. my life and my surroundings would be different too. you could even sense it in the air. time creeps by, and i know i would never be back here again, and it will be just something i can look back upon. for better for worse? it has to be seen. for today, ill just be content with being 19. who knows whats gonna happen come december and next year. what i do know though, things will be really different.

Songs of the day:

1) liang san bo li zhu li yue- genie cho and gary cao

2) qian nian lei- tank

3) ai wo hai shi ta- david tao

31/8/2009 -

i knew this feeling will come again,

and despite the sense of things being upbeat,

happenings turning somewhat positively,

it still ended up like what might have been.

i sensuate the best of possibilities,

its whiff of probability more than a whisker away,

but yet its cruelly always a step too far,

a moment too unfathomable at the present.

and still i continue to dream,

but half the battle is lost from self belief,

for the total lack of it to err on the side of caution,

to prevent further misery and total damnation.

i feel my heart like a broken hourglass,

my blood sipping slowly but surely,

until my time is up,

till ive lived though my borrowed time.

and i long the day i can live with confidence,

reap the joys of even a life of normality,

where i can really smile and celebrate in epiphany,

will it ever become a reality?

17/8/2009 -

SEAH TEE KENG, MARY

RIP 170897

i will never forget you,

all those years ago,

12 years in fact.

i hope i didnt disappoint you,

maybe i did,

but ill make it right,

thats a promise.

sometimes life has this way of taking away things you love,

you were one of them,

gone too soon,

i miss you.

god bless you,

your grandson

13/7/2009 -

Once again life and its frailities came to the fold,

which i so fervently tried to reject but gained no foothold,

the ultimate prize it was never meant to be,

for now even a glimpse of simple normality will set me free.

life at its best drug tendencies,

seemingly ever so bright in blissful harmony,

a casanova wrought in euphoric symphony,

but deep amidst the darkness i silently knew it was a silent misled cacophony.

so why does fate always set our hopes so high?

why should destiny tempt us then deny us the simplest of requests?

in the churning ephedrine of my adreanaline and the burning chasm of my heart,

is what i yearn for diabolically impossible unless i tear myself apart?

the gentlest of waves even seem to mock me as i pour forth silently my mortal wounded soul,

where underneath my cheerful facade lay a heavy mental weight that taken toll,

my weathered conscience wonders when ill breathe my last,

where living felt like death and dying a peaceful blast.

i dont expect things to drastically change even when i get old,

unless i tear myself apart and my confidence turns strong and bold,

but society is edging beyond cruelty in competition and lack of moral understanding,

where people like me need more than just simple comprehending.

maybe then i should long the day i breathe my last,

when finally i can leave my pain to the rain and gust,

where my pain is nothing at all compared to the misfortune,

of silly folly lethargy which eventually sang my deathtune.

12/2/2009 -

Amidst the hurried natures of the present day,

and my feeble scurried attempt to capitalize on the frivolty of youth,

i fear the days escape me,

but my conscience does not.

i long the day i burn with bliss in reality,

where the feeling sensuates through insatiable in every sense of the word,

but alas its replaced by sought pockets of bliss and desperation,

one of mainstream adrenaline and addiction.

and i know i cant find my pot at the end of the rainbow,

but yet its my only source out of the doldrums,

who knows anyone who can prove me wrong?

what i hope is for is what i wished for to put that right.

possible is only plausible and is as possible as the impossibility of the outcome,

but can you force a right from a wrong,

or similarly prevent a wrong from a right?

does action need to influence destiny or does predestination determinate fate?

age has crept slowly into my radar of concern,

my innocence of youth ridiculed by storied forms of legislation,

and many a failed executions.

A time must come or my time will run.

and the autumn leaves will fall another year,

and winter will set in once more,

i hope my life will change though,

for better or for worse a mercurial sophomore. 

26/1/2009 - if i was perfect

as i draped cold linen,

to quickly dampen my cold white anger,

amidst the slow wet and chilling rain,

its puddles slogging the soles in my shoes.

if i was perfect,

then this would be easy,

alas not left a daunting prospect,

between two gorges a bridge needs to be.

and when i finally achieve,

my epitome of perfection,

Ill know who to give grateful reprieve,

and to whom a vengeful vendetta.

a cold burning white anger,

hadnt been riled in a while,

you just had to burn it,

ignite it.

so now you must taste the bitter chalice,

of what is my incurred wrath,

and my flash of the blade,

will leave you for dead.

my tangled hair ruffles in the wind,

my bliss stepped back centrestage,

a strong defiance envelops me,

fists clenched ready to take flight.

was it really necessary,

or are you playing adversary? it doesnt do us good at all,

a bitter sweet relationship rise and fall.

and amidst all this cold white driven anger,

pure testosterone overwrites it all,

like a symbol of irony,

where lust playfully cussed my lips to ponder.

if i was perfect,

then this would be easy,

consigned to history.

alas may not meant to be.

9/12/2008 - forget december

december sure feels different this year.

and i know just the reasons why.

and for the first in a very long time,

there will be no trinkling goblets of whiskey in the Scottish Isles,

or the gentle descent of snow as my boots trughed along winter's path

to feel the void in the busiest of life,

nothingness in the emptiness of night,

yet yearned for it in the cageness of plight.

life is still a drug.

pulsating in pockets,

dimming the next. 

and it was still,

silent,

as if dormant.

will it awaken next winter?

the anticipation of the new year,

its a million miles on the back of my consience.

forget december,

its only better.

for it is but a rite of passage.

one to be forgotten by memory.

26/11/2008 -

gonna feel it while it lasts,

that accentuating feeling into my bloodstream,

the grip of pulsating veins,

heartbeats of steadfast ferocity.

greater than any common drug,

this is life as it is,

pockets of estasy,

moments of misery.

i can feel it all in me,

like a caged beast stirring its cage,

enslaving in incontrolable rage and terror,

the future nothing in black and white altogether.

and the drums sounded to my melody,

my periodic thumping its skin to fervent symphony,

and life was like this as beauty was as it is,

like a drug stemming increasing necessity from within.

i feel good,

i feel great,

i feel my sweat,

i feel my angsts all escape before me.

then it all cascades down again,

in the decadent lights of society's cruelty.

and i will crave for it again,

life as a drug in order to breathe again.

was life meant to be like that?

a life of lashing rain and tempestuous winds,

amidst the ephedrine of cool breezes,

and the frolicking in the bright sunshine?

truly,

life is a drug,

slowly poisoning from within;

you take whats needed,

and you feel the world at your feet,

before you stumble again,

and the cycle repeats.

it was never easy,

it was never perfect.

life was a drug,

as a catalyst to death's knell.

breathe hard.

breathe easy.

heave it all out again,

and vent it all out.

for spurts evolved are better than self contained.

a chance for solace?

a chance for a release of life's misery?

gotta love life man,

it brings much beauty,

even in the most puritan grey,

or the faintest of the cutest smile,

amongst many a misery,

amongst countless atrocities,

and problems rife needing much to solve,

so enjoy it while you can,

for life is a drug,

a adrenaline rush to the end.

19/11/2008 -

that was YOUR song,

and that was YOURS.

an epitome of memories,

driven by dreams and reality.

it was my song,

of gentle rain falling down on the pavement,

cascading gradually in the face of time,

its little bliss it brought as much as its variation.

the circular perambulations of life,

where will it end but the start?

its moments of euphoria wrought in pangs of pain,

those days of sunshine blotted by clouds of rain.

le pacchia et finito,

thy deed is done.

all lies in blinded hope,

and a battle that needs to be won.

the day the light trickles into the cavern of darkness,

the day the night fills with warmth what was cold within,

the day the tears dont fall,

and crash around me...

I can safety say...

I have arrived.

14/11/2008 -

and in the stillness of the night,

in its long lost familarity,

internally filled within deep rooted sounds,

sounds of  reflection others of adrenaline.

it will pay one day,

when the gift to hear it gives way,

when the clarion calls on borrowed time,

when the world fades and cascades into trodden times.

seize the day,

before the tears do fall,

and its time to say goodnight,

show the strength of the world.

second heartbeat,

blinded in chains,

bleeding hearts,

the beast and the harlot,

i sense the wicked end.

Exs and Ohs,

is it hard to fathom?

the warmness of the soul,

becoming a bull?

unbound (the wild ride),

spellbound for destiny,

kissing aloft my fate,

my purpose,

my mortality. 

SONG OF THE DAY- STRENGTH OF THE WORLD- AVENGED SEVENFOLD

12/11/2008 - sweet nineteen

and so another day has begun,

that marks another year of existence.

that emboldens my step this day,

and confides me in quiet confidence.

its all silent again where the spirits were high,

it was what imagined steps of reality unfolded.

whether the dreams are to come true,

yet to be concluded.

a scene of quiet confidence,

an air of awaiting pretence?

a storied show of exterior stability?

or an ebbed flow to normality?

its the circular perambulations of life,

yet again,

one year wiser?

one year stronger?

that remains to be seen.

however,

im determined,

that NOTHING will go wrong today.

at least for today.

6/11/2008 -

it seems impertinent that its always the case,

but its always left late in the day somehow.

the maniacal rush to purge the sins of the laid back.

is it so brazen a choice to avoid the latter?

is it as inevitable as difficult it seems to conquer it?

somehow,

someway,

even in the darkest times,

even in cases of silent stroking fervent panic,

luck was always imminent,

and i knew i was going to make it,

whether by scraping it,

or brazing through.

this though,

needs alot more than a last-gasp dash to the line,

even now its too late to reach that sometimes,

what conscious ignorance!

like awaiting disaster.

i have rode my luck,

long may it continue,

i hope it doesnt end here.

if it does,

maybe i would have solved the roots of why i had to ride my luck in the first place.

it needs a sharp reckoning tommorow.

miracle.

2/11/2008 -

swiging off a heaved little sigh off my undermined beverage,

i collected a breath of real air in storied packets of unrest.

and i know the hideous consequences have followed my path,

in mock disguise,

in chilling outface.

it doesnt seem to be turning a corner does it?

only my little moments of pumped adreanaline,

as i try and drown everything into a whirlpool of fervent moments,

and then it all starts again.

where is this bringing me?

where i think its unpleasant and unsightly?

or is there a miracle pending in the woods,

my saviour to come or my truth in despair?

either way,

i will find out soon.

1/11/2008 -

Amongst the bright lights,

a most modern of an asian society,

a mass of emanating fervent euphoria,

of comfortness spilled chilling through the night,

over vibrant dances and pints of lager,

and there stood humanity in a new frontier;

advancement in knowledge in wisdon you say?

of the epiphany of science as a new gateway?

heaven waited for you,

for the time to say goodbye,

to live your life in misery,

to willingly unlive your memories.

can you really wrought yourself in happiness,

exclude a select few,

our short envisoned forms of joy,

packets of bliss in fragments in time.

is it the true bliss god can bestow on you?

and the days continue to crawl by,

chained agony willing to be set free,

it seems life means nothing but temporary pacification,

ever depending on artifical estasy with no moral consideration.

a damning drug slowly poisoning from within.

did you really think,

your smile can last through any spell of time?

that your luck can ride you seamlessly through bracken disasters?

life is a cold hard reality,

like lashing rain on a cold pavement.

and you can only hear the rhythm of the drumbeats,

the knell of pending oblivion making its call.

and it will all end soon,

and it would be better wont it?

from dust we came from,

to dust we return.

to see the world through a grain of sand,

complexity in simplicity impossible to comprehend.

when everything else is impertinent,

and your feelings immune to it.

the day my feelings got nailed by the coffin,

the day my senses failed by the toll of death's bell approaching,

the day i looked into her eyes of destiny,

and wondered what her name has been.

seems like she disappeared without a trace,

or has she been plotting my misdemenour,

ever since i began to surface?

did god plan an experiment,

for his creation to sin and bear all pain,

so he can be the saviour to the disdain,

a envionsed light to the slain,

why is he contempt with seeing his sons and daughters suffer in silence?

in the darkest of the night in snippets of suicidal thoughts and lethal desperation?

and further damn others further deeper than others for a whimsical envious perambulation?

to taste sour grapes in frustation to bang their heads against the wall?

or is god just a figment of human mental pacification,

to solve the problems science fails to create,

to dawn a false light that will never brighten our dark facade?

man is evil,

seeking mere convenience science a popular but unfortunate escapade,

solving problems itself creates,

spawning new ones harder to tackle and to formulate,

as it spiralled to a meaning spellbound for disaster?

or is the clouds always heavy in dull and gloom in the select few bent on carrying the world's idiocrisy?

the almighty and its control on predestination,

or the elements of nature's luck on an hourglass of habitation waiting to be toppled over?

seizing the day was never the agenda,

accepting it was it,

the painful mode a rite of passage,

to some its a rite of a whole life,

a life bent on filling insatiable carnal desire,

but failing the true morality of the humane soul within.

answers needed,

questions asked,

consquences unfolded,

actions predestinated,

fate spellbound,

life sealed,

destiny wrought upon.

entrance to heaven,

hell,

or a conflagration of both.

are them really different?

even if they are,

it seems they have to co-exist,

or dont exist at all.

30/10/2008 - THE MASTER AND SORCERY OF DIMITAR BERBATOV

Now, watch and learn from the absolute master of ball control. Mr Dimitar Berbatov from Bulgaria showcases mastery, dexterity and skill from a simple football; a stellar example to why soccer is the world's most popular and beautiful game. Showing the deft touches of the most skilled a dancer, the quick responses and movements of a F1 driver, and the composure of a well hearsed lawyer in the courtroom, he shows us how pure elation is sometimes mixed with jaw-dropping admiration, and mind you I was mightily impressed!  So once again three cheers to Mr. Dimitar Berbatov, our 30 million pound man from Tottenham over the summer. Kudos to MANCHESTER UNITED =)

ive got my plan setted out,

now its just acting on it.

destiny awaits..

25/10/2008 - AVENGED SEVENFOLD CONCERT @ MAX PAVILION 24 OCTOBER 2008, 8PM

AVENGED SEVENFOLD IS THE SHIT MAN!!! THEY REALLY ARE =) THEY PLAYED CRITICAL ACCLAIM, AFTERLIFE, BEAST AND THE HARLOT, SCREAM, SEIZE THE DAY, UNHOLY CONFESSIONS, GUNSLINGER, ALMOST EASY AND LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN. they didnt play alot of songs though. like trashed and scattered, blinded in chains, wicked end, second heartbeat, dear god, chapter four and many more. haix. but they were dam good la. i went with cheryl yeo, shawn loo and wei liang. supposed to go with maw and his 3 RV frens. but they book out late. ah well. i sang until my voice went away. wished i could scream like them all the way. thats talent for you. the mosh pit was somewhat crazy, cheryl wanted to mosh but they didnt let her, i dont think she was best pleased.

they few hours were the shit best in my life=) adrenaline pumping man! wish i could play drums like the REV....

actually there are lots of things i wish for...

maybe its because there is so much i lacked or failed to possess for my own pursuit of a utopian life.

maybe my illusion of perfect harmonious habitation is a conjured ill-memory?

or perharps my besotted double-edged blessing a hindrance to normality?

the latter seems more precice...

either way,

whatever i did to uphold or held,

was and will be eventually washed away by the gentlest of currents,

where the tinge of sunlight on the sweetest borned memory,

will be cussed away in the darkest and vilest form of night,

as the plight is accentuated into a firm authorative voice of intent.

where once remembered,

is now forgotten.

a city of evil,

of torrentuous vuluptous predators,

feeding off wounded and weak prey.

the directionless..

the hapless...

the useless..

just face i man,

its not gonna happen..

i might as well drum away..

and accept my just plight...

and hopefully before long,

god will grant me that meagre bit of mercy..

a small victory of justice in my puntured soul and wounded heart,

and take away a life worth nothing more than the bare parts used to make it.

the hand that rocked the cradle,

has thy cursed its bare essential,

in an inevitable turn of the golden spoon.

comfortable,

probably inconceivable.

scream. scream. scream.

my life was left in the max pavilion.

it was never there before or after that.

and now im left with music.

entrapped in its small lease of life in borrowed time.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cant change,

to accept the things that pains but i have to shoulder.

i just have one request:

before u make me heap my last breath...

before my chest heaves its last gasp of pain in solitute misery..

before i walked my last steps in circular perambulations...

before i make my last wrenching regret of chained predicaments...

before i left the scence of my last sin and humilation..

let me feel whats it like...

to share the warmness of a soul,

with another i would be happy to live with,

to spend my life with,

to feel my void of adject artifical pockets of satisfactions and real emptiness.

to be able to feel someone ailing for the gift of touch and radiant interation.

before u take my life,

let me seize the day,

before my ashes are scattered down,

to no return,

to no memory.

30/9/2008 -

words escape me as much as time confunded me in our last memorable moment of intimacy. thoughts cant pacify my insatiable desire to reverse the course of time, as fervent dreams parade through in fantastical sequences of fairy tale endings- it was either entirely fastiduous falsified thinking or a immoral consequence on her endeavour in a selfish demeanour. you know who you are; your signs of maturity in youth coursing through your veins as you ventured into unchartered waters; even beating age long cliches en route to a really touching display of emotion. i was too dumbstruck that day, oh alas i was far too much in lagging disarray, still clinging on to my immaturity, my slow transition to adulthood. on that day, that day the cake was given to be to eat it; the day the stage was set, the curtains rolled open and a fanfare being played; i should have took centrestage, and held your hand aloft to the heavens in nodes of bliss euphoric in pure joy. for a gem you really are, and i never met anyone so valuable and so priceless.

the day i seeked fresh pastures, i squandered a life of lush meadows of greenery.

oh ye fateful day, ill recollect till the skies turned grey.

its a special day for you today.

all i can say is;

if i can turn back time,

i would have taken your hand,

and walked along into the sunset.