This day has convinced me there are cosmic forces working diligently for my mental demise. Every little thing that could go wrong did, and if it didn't, what occurred was just as bad.
Conspiracy #1 :
This afternoon I decided to mow the yard. I finshed the front and began on the back, proceeding to do the rear of the backyard first, usually I do the front part first. I have mowed this yard for quite some time, and know all it's pits holes and snags to keep the mower blade away from. Or so I thought. As I neared the fence, the mower instantly stopped with a jerk and a metallic clank. I pulled it away from the fence to discover a half inch steel pipe sticking out of the ground, a big chunk taken from its end. I turn over the mower to find the blade and the shaft bent, oil leaking all over. Finished. I still have yet to figure out where the pipe came from. I'd never seen it in 7 years mowing my yard. Something killed my 2 year old mower.
Conspiracy #2 :
Completely frustrated and angry, I go in the house to fix myself a bit of lunch, microwaving leftovers. I hear the little ding and open the microdoor to retrieve my meal, and as I am shutting the door, the little plastic clip that holds the door shut catches the pocket on my pants and snaps off like a twig. Thinking no worries since there are two hinges, one near the top and one near the bottom, I shut the door and it latches just fine. My food isn't quite warm enough, so I open the door to reheat it, shut the door and press the timer to start and.....nothing. I open the door and discover that the bottom latch is the one that presses a little button inside to tell the microwave the door is shut and it's okay to run. And I checked the warranty. It ran out last week. Something killed my 4 year old microwave.
Conspiracy #3 :
After finishing my lukewarm lunch, I decide to trim the front yard with the electric trimmers. I get about halfway done and the yard is looking good when I hear a ping and the bottom flies off the trimmers. No problem, I've had this happen before and the piece just snaps back in. I go to gather the pieces but cannot find the inner spring which the trimmers cannot run without. Obviously it sprung into oblivion, because I couldn't locate it anywhere. I make a call and am informed the manufacturer doesn't make this particular model any longer, and it would be much cheaper to buy a new one. Something killed my 5 year old trimmers.
Conspiracy #4 :
I decide to blow the rest of the day off playing online scrabble and watching reruns of NYPD Blue to try and calm my frayed nerves. It's Tuesday and tonight my favorite TV show is on at 10, Rescue Me. It's the only TV show I am devoted to, and I go into withdrawals if I miss it. I cheer up for most of the rest of the afternoon and evening, and mystically nothing else dies. At 950 I go outside to smoke a cig before my show starts, and afterward go inside and get a watermelon popsicle, lie down on the couch and hit the remote. My show is on and now I can relax. Right? Nope. Five minutes into the show the sound slows down so much it sounds like a broken record player at the speed of 2. I flip channels and find that out of 121 cable channels, FX is the only one affected by this problem, even the closed captioning won't work. Now I am pissed. Probably wouldn't be as big a deal if I hadn't wallowed in the stench of death all damn day. Something killed my TV show.
I now believe there is way more at work around us than we can see, hear, taste, smell, or control. Yeah I know, I hear you saying it's coincidence, everyone has days like this, but so what? You just can't shrug it off as coincidence just because these things happen on a large scale to everyone at some point. The truth is somebody likes to mess with us, and whoever he or she or it is just sits there and laughs their cosmic ass off while we wonder what the hell is going to happen next.
There is no such thing as a freak accident. Oh to be sure there's a freak out there somewhere causing all these strange occurrences that can't be explained. But don't try and convince me they're accidents.
