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Personally, i feel there's a pressure to sound perpetually happy on blogs. And even when one's unhappy, one (i feel) has to sound nevertheless strong and encouraged. To hell with all this. Right now, i'm downright unhappy. I feel sad and lonely and bleak and i want to hide under the covers all day and not bathe. But i don't want to be like that. Unhappiness is hardly a state of mind i enjoy being in. It's just less tiring because fighting negativity is akin to fighting a losing battle. Nevertheless, i shall try what Jane always does, and that is to make a list of things/events to cry over, and to be happy about. Let's hope it works... CURSES
I am sufficiently reminded of the reasons why i am unhappy. Though they don't spring to mind, i'm sure i've things to be grateful about nevertheless...
BLESSINGS
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Today is a dark, gloomy day. Not in terms of weather, unfortunately. I woke up at 5am, intending to proof read something due today. But i felt unusually feverish...
Right. I realised i had a fever. For some reason, that was it and i started CRYING! Quite shocked at how drama i can be. I need to reorder my life, which honestly, isn't all too bad. Work is good, i like my bosses, the companions are great. The hours aren't ghastly, i actually enjoy the stuff i'm doing. I like my office wear, i appreciate the purpose and focus work gives. Maybe it's just the bloody time of the month. Literally. | ||
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 Savouring a meal after alternately being scorched by the blazing sun AND drenched in the thunderstorm, all in the span of 2-3 hours.  As wet as ducks. Darren's tripod makes itself useful for such group shots.  At the coast waiting to be picked up by the hotel transport. I think we were pretending to be surfing.  Taking a break...  This was either the sunrise or the sunset.   Where we stayed. I assure you, it looks nicer than it was. A LOT nicer.  They came on holiday to do pushups and leg lifts and dips. Very dedicated bodybuilders.  Sea view Bintan pics. Holidays seem miles away now that work has started...I've heard stories of how late people stay (for instance, York worked till 6am yesterday morning and at 10pm on the same Friday, he received an sms and had to return to work. !!!) so i think i should count my lucky stars. I really miss my friends though. Yesterday was the only night i went out and it was good, meeting the law people and seeing them all grown up, decked in long-sleeved shirts and donning gleaming black shoes. I foresee myself living a sad lonely life in future. To cope with this new development, i.e. work, my eating habits have regressed to being downright destructive. I generally loathe fast food, but in a night, i can consume not only the said fastfood meal but also an oreo cheesecake, a cornflakes-Rittersport and a cookie. This is in addition to sitting down 9 whole hours a day, 5 days a week! That absolutely terrifies me. I have weighed myself obsessively to ensure i haven't gained obscene amounts of weight. I do have a disorder, don't i. Work just exacerbates it, i swear. On the bright side, i hope everything settles down soon. Today i extracted 2 teeth so my braces can get on. My father was horrified at sight of copious amounts of blood and while one was biting on pieces of blood-soaked guaze and coping with a completely numbed lower jaw, it was tiring and futile trying to reassure him that it was normal. I'm glad he accompanied me though. Would have been mute and lost otherwise. Tomorrow is a new day. Let's hope for brighter and happier things. | ||
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It's 3am and i'm too full to sleep. I angrily ate a delicious bowl of wanton mee at changi V and didn't enjoy myself at all because i was mad that my extended family - either the entire group of them or my brother - always has to tag along when i want to be alone with my father. So i came home and wolfed down bowls of cornflakes and waffle crisps and satisifed my junk food urges. And to reward myself i ate some laksa and roti prata because i was so relieved when i checked my results. So this episode of binge eating was not for nothing i suppose
 I was at Bintan for the past 3 days on a cycling expedition. It turned out that the terrain was not meant for novice cyclists. Darren negated to tell us that the guy whom he spoke to was a veteran triathelete. There were a zillion uphills and downhills i was spent at the 10km mark. Whatever it is, we covered 50km and MJ refused to continue (luckily) and hence, no more cycling. The company was great, the food was reasonable, but the accommodation - my gawd!!!!! My face is covered with 17 mosquito bites the last time i counted (which was a minute ago), i could cry. My FACE! And i have a nasty cut at my upper lip where the damned frisbee hit my NOSE. What the hell? I'm starting work bruised and cut and bitten. Not to mention, fat, because i weighed myself and i gained a kg despite not eating a lot at all. ARGH My father sagely praised himself for being "quite liberal" because he didn't say a word when he found out that i was the only female on the trip. I actually asked several females but they rejected me outright. How like that? The 1m by 1m cell called the toilet/bathroom was quite the horror. I can't describe my shock - what was worse? Was it when i first glimpsed that brown cockroach scurrying over my feet when i was in a compromising state of undress, or when i saw that the showerheads were brown with rust, or when i noticed that the ledges were covered with inches of bird shit? I don't know. The next day i decided to shower in a public toilet at the restaurent we had our dinner. And what a great move, because when i got back, the boys told me they discovered a bloody frog in the bathroom. A frog. I praised the Lord heartily and made my way upstairs, only to face the onslaught of bloodthirsty Indonesian mosquitoes. Oh, am i glad to be home. Nevertheless, when all the bites have gone and my face is clear once more, i'm sure i would look back and feel good about having gone to Bintan. And i returned home to see the goodness of the Lord, that despite my numerous Cs and emotional fucked-ups, He ended my university education on a good note anyway. I'm so grateful, so relieved...thank You so much Lord. | ||
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The holidays have been marvellous so far, not in terms of the things i did (which were nothing spectacular) but as i was telling some friends, it's really the freedom of doing what you want whenever you want, and not having to do what you don't want to do! It sucks when you read, sit and stone or surf and feel this niggling sense of guilt. Now, i can do anything with wild abandon! HAHA
I caught What Happened in Vegas. Cameron Diaz still has an amazing body, but she has aged. It shows especially on her face - her skin has lost its radiance and is sort of...brown. And dull. It makes me worried really - if a millionaire movie star with the best makeup artists looks so run down, where then does that leave me? Sure, contentment and joy are the best anti-aging agents, but i can't possibly manufacture and store them in little perfume bottles and spray whenever needed can i? Anyway, this chick flick is not bad. The ending is a little abrupt, but it's funny and sweet and entertaining, exactly what romantic comedies are supposed to be. Next up, Made of Honour! I tried something new recently. Darren and i cycled from Pasir Ris through the Changi Village park connector all the way to East Coast Park - it was a breeze for him as he does it so often, but i found it quite a challenge, especially when there are kerbs and sharp turns. And it hurts between the legs. 3 1/2 hours of sitting on a narrow seat does that to you. It got easier the second time round, and i'm going to do it again this Friday! And, in a pathetic attempt to expand my social circle, i pitifully asked Darren to introduce me to his friends. I'm not sure what to make of his response to my plea: he gave me a look, chuckled, and said he will "see what he can do". Right. That's kind of him. I guess. At least he didn't go: HAHAHAKAHMINGGETTINGDESPERATEHEREAREN'TWE which he is apt to do, i feel. Also, Loretta, Nuru, Kavi and i went to Bangkok for a couple of days! I had a great time, the company was awesome for most parts, we just shopped, walked and ate. The apartment we stayed at had an indoor and outdoor pool and we began each morning with a short refreshing dip, before digging in to the mouth-watering breakfast spread. Life is good (: | ||
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Exams ended on Tuesday quietly without much fuss. I have semi-graduated, with less than satisfactory grades, but that's the way i made life to be. I emptied my mailbox of its junk, plucked the key out of the chain where it has been for the last 4 years and returned it to the student counter. It's hard to believe formal education has ended. University has been pretty good in terms of experiences and friends, i can only wish what was good happened earlier.
To celebrate (the end?), Darren and i went to MJ's place where he said there was this coffee shop zhi char selling incredibly tasty crabs. Well, indeed, the prices were incredible. But fine, it was not bad, and i consoled myself by saying that i only eat such expensive stuff "once in a while". MJ had broken his leg and is hobbling around on crutches - if anyone is serious about losing weight, use crutches. It takes everything - patience, strength and grit - just to navigate 300m around Singapore's disabled-unfriendly towns. So...that's it then, law school. I can't ask for more. | ||
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Just a moment ago, i was contentedly sitting at the dining table, eating a marvellous concoction of sugar-free yoghurt topped with apple and mango bits. Before i proceed, i would like to inform the world at large that my latest health-resolution is to eliminate as much refined sugar from my diet as possible. Having accidentally stumbled on a site detailing the dangers of refined sugar, i realised that my extremely severe mood swings which have somehow gotten worse lately correspond to the listed symptoms of sugar addiction...hence the resolution. I feel slightly better, but, being me, it's possibly psychological.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I switched on the com, and proceeded to scan my bookmarked sites. One of Mag's posts was about being single, and it linked to this site with a seemingly positive title - Marry Him! I clicked on it, and as i read, felt increasingly queasy and dreadful. Apparently, it's not my blood sugar this time. I decided it was too tedious to continue and stopped. Nevertheless, the article is amazing - in a few paragraphs, the author has convinced me of the urgent need to march up to a random man, ask him to marry me, give birth to a kid, all before i hit The Age, specifically, 30. And yipes, i'll be 23 in less than three months! The author strongly advises women to...just settle. Just settle. Whatever it is, her advice will come in handy if i meet someone i don't mind settling for. But, i know one thing i will never do. That is, have a baby with donor sperm, just as she did. Luckily (or not), i dislike children. Ohhh, but i really love infants. If children can go from infanthood to, i don't know, adulthood? in the blink of an eye, then i am sure i would love to have children. Maybe even with donor sperm  | ||
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I think i may have disorders related to compulsive eating. Behavioural illnesses are possibly genetic, and it's likely that my father passed on some of these unfortunate genes to his said offspring. Not in this case though. Whatever problems he may be afflicted with, compulsive eating is not one of them, seeing that he is built like a Sierra Leone refugee. You can put your HANDS under his RIBCAGE when he reaches up for something. Indeed, i read of pro-ana sites glorifying such physical attributes. Naturally, the commentator of the abovementioned comments has the username "tiny_ribcage". Or is it "lv_bones"? Something along that line la. My father eats pretty normally and has absolutely no fixation with food though. In fact, his occasional indulgences are not "indulgences" to me. I remember him saying that he "went crazy" and ate "3 ferrero rochers at one shot just now". Huh? I always eat at least 3, they are so small for goodness's sake. Or that he tried "half a bar of kinder bueno" - who in his right mind eats HALF a bar and folds the wrapper up and replaces the half-eaten bar back in the fridge? Maybe that's why he's skeletal; i haven't a shred of such self-control. His eating habits remind me of Jolene's, come to think of it. It's not that they don't eat junk. They simply get no pleasure out of eating huge quantities of it. Why aren't such good genes passed down? Life is unfair. Signs of Compulsive Eating:
(Whatever is applicable is bolded) • Think about food a lot. • Eat to relieve worry or stress.
• Continue to eat even after feeling sick from
eating too much. [Sometimes]
• Become anxious while eating. • Daydream or worry while eating. • Overeat.
• Eat too fast. [Used to]
• Eat everything on the plate. [Used to]
• Feel guilty when you eat. [Sometimes] • Eat secretly. • Cannot eat one cookie, or any treat that you really like. • Binge after a diet. • Hunger makes you feel fearful and uncomfortable. It's good that Mma Ramotswe is quite proud of her "traditional" build. She can eat those delicious fruitcakes and steaming hot orange pumpkins and roasted lamb without a second thought. I'm almost envious! | ||
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(adj): bad-tempered, irritable, crabby, argumentative, difficult, tetchy, complaining, unreasonable, belligerent, grouchy, grumpy, disagreeable.
Wow what a list of adjectives that describe my current state of being. It's no wonder i'm frequently alone nowadays. If i'm all of the above with my already few friends, i would soon have zero! Today, i collected Alexander Mccall Smith's latest 2 books on Mma Ramotswe, the No. 1 lady detective in Botswana - i'm really excited, can't wait to read about her latest musings and adventures! I love this series best because she is so simple and shrewd, idealistic and practical. For some reason, these seemingly opposing traits co-exist beautifully. AMS makes her very, very likeable and i find myself laughing over his matter-of-fact descriptions which aren't exactly meant to be funny. Wai Han has good taste in books - all her recommendations are excellent! She is a lot more mature than i am. While she could see the value in these classics since sec school, i've only come to appreciate them very recently. Examples: Anne of Green Gables, the Wrinkle in Time series, Twilight...I've given up buying books but i willingly acquired the entire set of each of the above series. Today is also a day of a "first" - i caught a movie by myself! Having watched a ridiculous number of movies this month, there isn't any show i badly wanted to see. Just needed some alone time [strange. i'm already alone a lot] outside, not sitting at my desk halfheartedly reading notes and playing spider solitaire every 2 seconds. Paris Hilton in the Hottie and the Nottie - as you can probably guess, it isn't even a good chick flick, but woah, is that girl oozing sex appeal or what! Aphrodite must have been super generous with her, she is smokin' hot  | ||
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 I have discovered the disadvantage of journalhome and i am upset. It seems that i am meant to post ant-sized photos on this bloghost...even though on picasa they appear perfectly normal sized. Anyhow...Soup Spoon! Sweet, thick roasted carrot and mushroom straganoff. And crispy bready naan garnished with fresh green parsley. I remember those days when we'd to crack our brains after church, thinking of what to have for lunch that is cheap yet nice...and we always ended up in the food court or subway. Now there're endless affordable options. Is it the sudden proliferation of eateries or just that we've grown up and become more spendthrift?
Really gotta thank JH for driving all the way to my place to collect the textbook he lent me for some takehome 2 weeks ago. Well, thanks to his pessimism and discouraging remarks, the looming exams now scare me a lot! That's a step in the right direction, i need to go study. Less than 6 days, and i am very unmotivated. Fearful yet unmotivated. How and why? Sigh. | ||
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As i advance through the years of formal education it's shocking to see how the entire process culminates in my cavalier attitude towards exams and grades now. Exam's a week away and still no real panic.
 It is code red, baby. This is no time for casual play, i need to graduate. No matter, Wai Han and i still had time for a luxurious swim, movie and Sakae lunch. I swear, that girl is mad. She forcefully shoved a spoonful of McFlurry into my mouth, insisting that i take as many calories as possible out of the 570 (yes, she checked)! Really, for that amount of calories i would totally rather eat a big breakfast instead, and that soft serve is not even nice! But the popcorn was buttery, caramelly and light and i ate a bagful of it. It kind of made up for the disappointing Definitely, Maybe. The guy was unattractive, the girls were unattractive and the kid was bratty. I felt no happiness nor spilled any tears when the couple finally reunited after several misadventures. OH. NOW i know why Elizabeth Banks looked familiar - she was in that disgusting flick Slither Mag and i watched a couple of years ago and i had food poisoning after that. Right... | ||
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I feel really upbeat today. I'm not sure why...it isn't the jumpy ecstasy or rolling happiness that overtakes you when something good happens because in fact nothing good (or bad) happened. But for the past few weeks i've been innundated with this overwhelming sianness and lethargy. Slow thoughts and blankness. On the bright side, i wasn't unhappy. But i want ENERGY! Today is great. I can work hard today without trying so hard.
Tea is good. I've always loved teh tarik, but it's not so easy to get when you are slouched over your desk. Instants are gross...blech. But steaming hot jasmine tea in a tea bag is delightfully fragrant. If you don't like it plain, a packet of equal low-cal sugar would do the trick - it's enough to take the bitter edge away without being overly sweet. Or, chill it to enjoy a cool drink in the April heat. Tea is cool and filled with antioxidants to keep one young! That was written in the morning and now at 10pm it's quite a different story. A 3 minute phone call with my tuition kid brings me to the point of utter rage. The 2 hours i have to spend with her tomorrow are going to be indescribably painful. I'm quitting. I'M QUITTING! The unbelievably good pay can't make up for the unbearable minutes i spend with her. Since i'm going to be out of work any recommendations would be greatly appreciated...i think. | ||
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While reading the all new SUNDAY TIMES yesterday, i spotted a new column recommending great sites!! Indeed, musicovery is one of the most awesome sites ever. It's something like an online radio, but allows you to choose songs according to your moods. It's a lot better than the yahoo widget Girlsense radio. I bookmarked it almost immediately :):) Exams are coming and i am half-distressed. So much to do yet zero motivation, urgh why...Suddenly i'm borrowing stacks of Psychology Today from the library and reserving new Alexander Mccall Smith's books. (BTW Wai Han - how come you didn't tell me he wrote 2 new Mma Ramotswe books! I was so excited to find out they were available) | ||
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New Blog, again. Alright. I hope i stick to this one once and for all. It most resembles LJ which is my favourite bloghost so far. Also i need to reinvent my life/self, so new blog sounds like a good idea. I don't really like to blog nowadays though. So getting a new blog is actually quite pointless. I really need to study. I have whiled 5 days away completely. Focus man. I don't want to tutor anymore. I'm sick of my kid. She whines all the time and learns nothing.
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