Personally, i feel there's a pressure to sound perpetually happy on blogs. And even when one's unhappy, one (i feel) has to sound nevertheless strong and encouraged. To hell with all this. Right now, i'm downright unhappy. I feel sad and lonely and bleak and i want to hide under the covers all day and not bathe. But i don't want to be like that. Unhappiness is hardly a state of mind i enjoy being in. It's just less tiring because fighting negativity is akin to fighting a losing battle.
Nevertheless, i shall try what Jane always does, and that is to make a list of things/events to cry over, and to be happy about. Let's hope it works...
CURSES
- My period has not come for 2 months. Before that, it came twice a month. So basically, i went from being overly fertile to sterile. My father forced me to go to the doctor who gave me Diane 35...i'm not sure whether i can blame all my ills on it, but it's a bitter pill to swallow.
- I'm constipated. What's worse is that after taking laxatives which my father procured for me, my digestive system is still jammed up.
- Because of the frustration, i stare at the mirror frequently in self-loathing and frustration which leads to needless scratching and poking. And suddenly, from having perfectly clear skin, i now have broken skin all over my face which doesn't heal because i keep touching and peeling it. So presently i look hideous.
- Currently i have no social life. I cancel on friends frequently. Either that, or i go out and am so short and curt, or look at them blankly because it's too much of an effort to listen and laugh...they probably wish i had cancelled anyway.
- I can't stop eating. After championing the benefits of a "balanced lifestyle", whatever that is, ironically i keep eating biscuits and cookies and junk. I try to compensate by eating fruits and healthy stuff, but they don't seem as palatable these days so i turn to lovely processed comfort food. Which leads to
- Weight gain. This is immensely frustrating. Since work started i've gained 2kg, and there's just no way i can exercise more or eat less because of the abovementioned events. It's only been THREE weeks. What's going to happen to the rest of my life?
I am sufficiently reminded of the reasons why i am unhappy. Though they don't spring to mind, i'm sure i've things to be grateful about nevertheless...
BLESSINGS
- I'm happy and satisfied with what university has given me. I graduate without regrets.
- I have a job. I'm pretty sure most of my law friends are thankful for this as well.
- I have a job that i like and find interesting, as of now.
- I like (most of) the people at work.
- I'm still reasonably fit and healthy, and look it.
- My friends have not cut off ties with me just yet. They are as busy with work/school and life.
- My father is trying his best to be understanding.
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