No, not by St. Hubby. If that were the case, I would be posting bail, not blogging. No, I am talking about the profession I have loved, and the body I have tried to love. Both have seemingly turned on me.

I noticed the pain almost a year ago, but like any good crusty nurse worth her salt, I ignored it. Isn't that what ungodly amounts of motrin and the occasional Jack Daniel's is for? (Sorry I ended that sentence in a preposition. Never have parents who were English teachers - it fucks you up!) Anyway, I shrugged it off and moved on. Started going to yoga less - couldn't do all the moves - and then modifying all of my movements; getting dressed was turning out to be an athletic event in itself in effort to avoid the pain. Months ticked by; I had to let my best friend and evil companion at work finally know, because I could no longer hide my grimaces and occasional yelps of pain when repositioning patients. (And like any good and decent evil companion, she covered for me.) Besides, my gynormous uterus was bothering me as well and taking precedence in the overall scheme of things.

So I got the uterus somewhat fixed, and at last confessed to myself the 5, count 'em 5 motrin I was taking at one time was no longer dimming the discomfort, and I would have to go to the goddamn doctor. Many MRIs, X-rays, cortisone shots later... 

'"Left shoulder tendonitis with impingement sydrome. Surgical candidate"

Um, okay, well, not great, but sounded innocuous enough. Arthroscopic, right? Day surgery? Few weeks off of work? Hey! Here's an idea - let's schedule it around Christmas, so I can get the holidays off!

"...three weeks in a sling and then 16 weeks no lifting; you have extensive nerve involvement."

Well, I coulda told you that based on the fact I keep dropping things, but 16 weeks? What the frick?!?!?!

"Probably repetitive motion through the years. I actually see this with a lot of nurses, We'll have to wait and see if there is permanent damage. Can you pinpoint an exact date of injury?"

Well, there was the time the diagnosed schizophrenic thought I was trying to kill him and twisted my arm behind my back so hard I actually cried, but I could not tell you when that was. And I remember distinctly when the 600 pound man fell on the floor and then turned a smurfy blue and we had to pull him up and put him back in bed, but again, the date escapes me. But all in all, I'm gonna bet that since I have spent almost half of my life (literally) pushing, pulling, lifting, twisting and generally physically exerting myself to save lives and stamp out disease, that's the cause. The funny thing is, I've always done what I could to protect my back...

Incidentally, there is no such thing as modified duty as a nurse - they won't pay nurse's wages to do modified work. They let you sit home and collect disability. Except as a per diem nurse, I don't qualify for disability.

Somebody pass the motrin. I'll wash it down with a swig of Jack (held in my right hand, of course, so I don't drop it) while I try to figure this out...

..I'll let you know when the pity party is over!