Bigger Than a Bread Box

Today I saw my dream house. 

Well, not in person..but in a newspaper. If anyone can take a vision contained within a 2 by 3 inch square and fly with it, it’s me.  I’m pretty happy I picked up AM New York this morning.  My destiny always seems to lie in black and white print.  I met my husband because of a newspaper article and I’d like to believe me and this house also have a destiny together. =P

I get my daily fix from AM’s horoscope and crossword; It happens to be one of the few free pleasures left in New York City; It and my morning cup of joe have recently become one of my few links to sanity in the morning.

For years, I’ve cut out magazine clippings, printed online images and utilized just about every free home design program on the net in my quest to create that “perfect space”.  In my early twenties, I thought it might be smart to look into interior decorating as a career option.

Little did I know that all I really needed was to lay eyes on this. Are my days of design over? From a creative standpoint, I find this place’s utter perfection almost discouraging. I can’t think of a thing I could add , a tile I could turn that would improve upon it.  (Well, I'd nix the cheezey painting lol)

I can see myself running across that cherrywood foyer, perhaps behind a gaggle of knee-biters, on Christmas morning..or even making love right there in the middle of the floor on a snowy night. 

Ahhhh.. I’ve found the place I’d like to disappear to every day of my life! So I have one room of my dream house in front of me.  The rest of the place is still mine to imagine. 

I want to stand behind my mom with my hands over her eyes at the front door of this place, slide a key into her hand and whisper, “This is ours, mom”!

Funny, how the lofty dreams of my youth seem pitifully outdated.  After 5 or so years of hardship, my one solitary dream has become to own my own home. Strangely enough, my heart feels ten times larger now that my dreams have gotten smaller.  Maybe it took the last five years to make me see what's really important in life. 

The office is speckled with green garlands, tinsel and the personalized Christmas stockings I made about two years ago.  We’re looking pretty spiffy for the Holidays.

While we all have our wants, our fantasies our 3 bedroom, 2 bath castles in the sky with a view of the river, my greatest gift is mom, dad, Raj and Eric-the people I care about most.

Their well-being is my Christmas wish. 

Of course, if anybody’s interested in helping me buy this bad boy, it’s on sale for just under a million!  Hahah 

Merry, merry people!

5:45 PM - December 13, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Have a Fortune Biscuit Your Way?

Sure, I could’ve just thrown it away..but Monday mornings are slow at the office here and I’ve always liked to play with wrappers.  So I took my time with my Burger King sausage biscuit and savored it's outside as well as it's meaty, flaky inside.  I'm feeling insanely loopy today, a rarity, so I'm hoping each bite was helping to balance out the karmic wackiness I had absorbed from the universe. MmmmmMmmmm Flaky, flaky, flaky. 

And if I hadn't stopped to read my sandwich wrapper I wouldn't have noticed these words staring translucently at me through a circle of grease. What?  A message?  For..moi? 

When was the last time fast food was this deep?  Could we be following the way of the fortune cookie and awakening to a new and deeper philosophy as a society? Moving as a whole toward a unified people that is tired of commercialism, ready to stop worshipping the almighty dollar and ready to feel again?!?!?!

I didn't think so either. 

But thanks for the encouraging words, most honorable breakfast sandwich.

5:14 PM - November 5, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Shadow Shortage

Gee, it's been a long time since I've last written.  Crazy how quickly time passes when you're struggling to keep up.  Someone once said,  "Life is what's happening while you're waiting to live..".  I really should've taped the that quote to my forehead. 

Being a daywalker isn't as bad as I thought it would be. 

I don't fit in in this bright, stuffy world, but I learned I was an adaptable little bugger a long time ago.  When the need arises I can be a chameleon, too.  If I stumble clumsily, I'm the only one who knows it.  Fake it 'till ya make it..

I pride myself on making the transition look effortless.  One valuable thing daylight hours have given me are the ability to delve headfirst into progress as it pertains to my personal life.   I was tip-toeing past life, even before I got thrown out of my home twice and into the chaos that is my current state.  Happily, it feels as if the physical punishment is over for now.  I am pet-less, have cut the sum of my belongings in half and, although it looks like I might be laying my head at yet another foreclosure case, I'm clinging to a lease I just signed for dear life.  Eesh! How many times can a gal scrape up 2 months security and 1 month's rent, anyway?? 

So the brunt of my distress appears to be finanacial.  I'm a New Yorker.  We're made of tough stuff.  The Big Guy has always thrown me a raft when I thought I was about to sink.  For the time being I'm doing the dog paddle.  I

The disarray that moving into a place with a hell of a lot less space has caused me is starting to fade slowly into an organized mess. lol  I'm starting to be able to move and find things I'm looking for when I actually need them..Hoorah!  I made a space for my hairbrush!  I was getting tired of running my fingers through my hair on my way out. I had the same amount of time under moonlight, yet I didn't start making this alarming progress until I took my act into the sunight

Hard work is harder without motivation. 

We all have those little notions we cling to that get us through a tough patch in life.  For me, it was the idea of nights by my computer desk visiting my favorite websites.  I like my independence when I surf and I'm censored here. 

My main motivation was the thought of who I was looking forward to...of curling up on my couch (once I can afford one) with a good friend and watching kung flu flicks whilst we munched down on high-carb only delights until dawn.  Sadly, I found out that I might be losing that loved one to distance and that humble, lil' dream of mine may never become a reality.

It hit me like a fist in the bread basket.

I cried shortly, something I'll only admit here.  A voice in my head moaned, "don't go!"  A part of me wondered if he might be waiting for someone to say that..then I realized how much of a selfish narcissist I was for even entertaining that thought...Ultimately, I wish him well...very well.

Although, on my end...

I'm full of regret that we'll never get to meet at the Manhattan Mall and share a Cinnabun by the penny fountain..That we'll never borrow and lose one another's books and movies. That we may never enjoy the leisure of dropping in on one another on the odd winter night when one sneezes over the line and the other decides to drop in unannounced with chicken soup...I do things like that, weird unbelievably loving things.

See, I've always thought you should live the kind of life worthy of publication.    So I'm on a mission to create for my loved ones a patchwork quilt of quirky memories.

I also regret that we'll cease being able to celebrate being comrades of New York blood (Go Yankees!)...I'm just too damned slow a bloomer, I suppose.  His news had me frustrated at my situation even though I'm doing great work at it. I transferred that anger to life in general yesterday and hated everything and everyone for a few.  My family and coworkers know when to stay away from me. 

But change is a part of life..and the adaptive chameleon in me must go on. 

I have to admire my pal's gumption in leaving.  I couldn't imagine being anywhere else but here, at the center of all technology and entertainment, for an extended period of time.  Sure, I'd love to visit Paris or run barefoot down a tropic footpath in Greece, but Manhattan Island would always call me home again. I'm aware of the speed-demon, creature that never knows peace urge within me.  Any New Yorker is part masochist.

Someday soon I'll be back at my old haunt, myspace, and that Firewall-free log-on will symbolize for me how far I've come.  I'll be thinking about how hard I worked just to get back to this place, to get back on my feet again..if I ever really did have my feet on the ground, that is. 

Then, after about ten minutes there, I see myself logging off and wondering why I was so excited to be back...

That's what happens when you're deprived of something you love for too long.  In the process of trying to attain what you thought you wanted...you end up outgrowing it.

And to think, only months before I come out of my shell, I lose the ray of sunlight that I always thought would greet me when I arrived ...That teaches me not to take those I love for granted.

Fate dictates that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe it was just bad timing.  Or maybe I thought something was meant to be that wasn't.  My slogan about destiny being a path that cha' can't stray from keeps coming back to slap me in the face...

I just wonder where I'm headed...

And I wonder who will be waiting for me at the end of the path I'm on...

Would that I could steady the world, so it might cease upon a time that belongs to us.  ~Cazmia

4:53 PM - September 21, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

She Eats Her Protagonist

7:03 PM - August 28, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Ahhhh Me..

I'm a forgiving sack of tears if ever I saw one.  The coworker who had that emtoional thrombosis a few weeks back after we talked about my schedule seems to want to play nice again. I was impressed by the fact that she came to my desk to conversate as usual, knowing I didn't have a lift tonight.

You can't help but admire the ones that come by without needing anything from you.  That's rarer than it sounds.

Everyone's been asking about our new hire, a gentleman I've gotten very close to in the past few weeks.  I have an official "trainee", a young man who I am personally educating to fill my shoes. 

To date, he's assisted me in doing what I do for 10 nights and he's terrified. lol 

He keeps insisting this is a 2-man shift, and telling me that I'll be by his side a LONG time based upon all that he needs to understand.  I've expressed that I believe the anti-Christ (my loving term for my manager) is trying to replace me, not give me a helper.  It was one of those very touching "soon you'll have to stand on your own, grasshopper" type speeches.  "It was a two-man shift only 4 years ago," I said, grinning calmly, "..but no one else wanted it, so it is now a one WOMAN shift, my good man.."

Then I put my hand on his shoulder.."You'll be fine," I said. "There is no teacher like hands-on repetition to nauseum".  lol

Well, that's whatcha' get for ten years of devoted service on your department's least desirable shift.  You get told your schedule is changing for no apparent reason, whether you can handle it or not. 

Ahhh me. Said I to my visitor.

Before coworker could open her mouth and put her foot in it like she did the last time,  I leaned forward as if I were about to say something momentous.  The promise of juicy info always shuts a person right up in mid-sentence, and I saw a smile cross her face and the eyes light up.

"If you know what you're doing, it hardly matters what shift you're on and I'm about as qualified as they get...I come to work.  Doesn't matter what I do.  That's why I don't sit there and whine when other people's work somehow makes it to my desk.  I consider it a service that makes my time go faster.  Whose work or what work isnn't important.  When I'm on the clock, I've got everyone's back here..and they know it, even that ever-hating manager of mine.  I'm there for her too...she just hasn't figured that out yet."  Then I laughed, much to my coworker's vexed horror. lol

"The anti-Christ is jumpy about her usefulness around here, because there are a lot of things she hasn't chosen to understand..."

Sure, it sounded like I was taking sides, but I never say anything I don't sincerely believe..and I don't believe anything rock solid demonstrative proof hasn't convinced me of. I saunter in like an old housecat, sit my ass at my desk and juggle 3 lines, 2 Nextels, and talk to the sales rep next to me while eating a slice of pizza almost everyday. (Well, sometimes it's Chinese food) I'm used to the circus and it's effortless work for me. Hell, I think I'd need a labatomy if I had to cover reception and sit there staring straight ahead all day.  I was designed for chaos.

Truth be told, all the knowledge in the world still will never make you indispensable.  I'm thankful that I'm not in McDonalds with a college degree in my back pocket asking, "Do you want fries with that?"  I wouldn't consider what I do a career, but it's reputable and I'm relaxed, respected and comfy..

"So I'm humble," I said,  "...Is it so terrible that I'm not emotional when it comes to my job?  When she's nailing us to the wall with useless and knit-picky demands and restrictions I am happy to oblige my manager.  I think it irks her.  I think she wants me to protest, argue, be generally disagreeable like many of us have been and I continue to do my job with a smile."

"I irk her...I irk her by being me."

 Dammit, I know I conduct operations like I own the place, but I'm not trying to be cocky. I've been running and troubleshooting flawlessly for a decade here..How can this job not be second nature to me? I'm at ease.  Where's the challenge?

Gee, my coworker had a sweet smile.  It was about time I saw it. lol With white teeth all ablaze she retorted, "Just make sure you don't budge on this.  The shift still needs to be covered.  Why not by the person who's always done it, when no one else wanted it..?"

I shrugged.."Don't know. She says these are the changes she wants..I say you don't fix something if it isn't broken  A few months from now this guy'll bow out and when she tells me to reaarange my life again, it ain't gonna' happen..."

"I'll tell ya, I'd love to sit this woman on a needle loaded with truth serum and ask her what her real motives are for all of this." I said, winking one eye closed.  I can just hear her now....

"I'm miserable, THAT'S why, and it makes me feel good when I know I can make everybody else miserable too....DUH!" 

So where can a gal pick up some sodium pentathol in this day and age?

6:11 PM - July 31, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Missing Myspace

It kills me..It really kills me. 

Being stuck behind the office Firewall is sometimes worse than not having any access at all.  Well, it wouldn't be fair to say that.  It's nice getting to peek in and see what's going on with my old myspace buddies..

I remember the days when I actually stayed in one place long enough to set up a humble home office in my bedroom.  I'd often crawl out of bed in the middle of the night and chat to a good friend.  One of the great things about the net is that there's almost always someone awake to clown around with.  They call New Yrok the city that never sleeps, but a nocturnal like me (a term I invented which seems to fit "my kind" hah!) knows to scoff at that slogan.  Never sleeps, my caramel arse.  Try satsifying a milkshake jones at 3 am in the morning.  Maybe that cricket might be able to direct me to a nice diner that's still open...

The only true realm that never sleeps is the web.  I miss those long nights in front of my computer.  I miss being able to go past my login screen at myspace.  That's as far as the firewall lets me get most of the time.  (Dammit!)  Still, somethin' is somethin', or so they say.  You've got to count your blessings and not your roadblocks...

Sometimes I just miss...independence. 

Tonight I realized how long it's been since I've seen that website without the restriction of a Firewall.  Heck, I'm lucky I've been able to fool the Firewall for as long as I have.   (If anyone asks, it wasn't me lol) Sometimes I get the sense that virus filter is getting smart to me.   It feels as if it's getting more and more difficult to access my old favorite hangout.  These learning programs always outgrow me.  I haven't exactly got time to hang around the house all day and stay an in-the-know hacker. lol

It hit me tonight that I may never upload another picture or blog at myspace again. What a bummer.  That was enough to trigger a hormonal low that's had me in a sad haze all evening.  It wasn't a choice. It just seems like the luxury of time online at home(my favorite past time of all) has just been squeezed out of my life.  I've spent many a hopeful month trying to get back on the horse amidst circumstances I can't control...And I'm no closer to those warm, wonderful nights by my terminal than I was a year ago.

Well, guys...If you're reading this...I went unwillingly into that pixelated night.  Trying to regain the life I once had feels like trying to do step aerobics in quick sand.

 I just might have to accept that the myspace era of my life has come to an end.

At least this writer's still got JournalHome. {Looks around, because I think I just heard a pin drop} I'd kill for a 50 question bulletin right about now. 

9:21 PM - July 24, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

BANG! ZOOM!

Read Me: http://www.wherethehellwasi.com/categories/tv-movies-games-o-my/two_tricky_tickets.html

I found my latest blogger of interest accidentally. We don't agree on the whole Prince issue, but he's as fun as a barrel of meerkats and he kind of reminds me of Ray Barone's brother, Robert, who reminds me of Ralph Kramden...That's a good thing...er..yeah. 

Aw, come on..Read it.  Have I ever steared you wrong? I guarantee a fantabulistic cavalcade of quotes like this:

"I'm not sure I'm interested in a movie where the hero is able to both lick his own crotch and talk about it afterward. So really, anything with Jason Lee is out." (His pre-critique of "Underdog")

........Me after half an hour more of reading.....

   I'm hoping this guy could get a job writing for network tv, so I can stop watching crap.  Not everyone can afford cable.

Holy papercuts, this man has a lot of entries.  Freakin' comedians.  I may have to quit my own blog for a year or so and come back here after I'm done reading.

6:30 PM - July 24, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Happy (A Poem That Rhymes with "E")

It hit me like a memory,

Today, it just washed over me

The long-lost sense

Of who we used to be

The ease with which

You set my spirit free

5:17 PM - July 24, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Update

The very same moment I found out my house was being sold, I stormed straight into the landlord's office (which is in my building).  It was the maintenance man who had told me and before he could mutter something about an apartment inspection, I'd strode past him to get my info straight from the horse's mouth.

The office looked empty until I walked past the public area and started to bellow in a friendly but firm voice..or was I just coming off as irritated and flustered?  Well, I remember hearing myself sound rather friendly.   The landlord's sister almost reluctantly made her way over.  I think I started speaking before she could say hello back.  I hadn't meant to do that, but when you've been through the same crap a few times, cordiality starts to lose all function.  So I stood there, and a part of me floated outside myself, hearing me exclaim..."I'm not hearing right, am I?  Tell me you guys didn't sell the building..I've just been through this.."

The woman shrunk before me, which is pretty tough since I'm 5 feet tall.  I was trying to smile slightly and speak in calm tones, but I could feel that all the blood in my body had already risen to my head and that my face was a bright pink.I'm part Irish, you see.Despite an olive tan, I was still born with 90 percent of all my blood vessels underneath my cheeks, nose and neck.

"It wasn't me..It was my sister.." Was all she said. There may have been a few more words, but I don't really remember much after that.  I tend to tune out immediately after my inner lie detector goes off.

A somewhat reliable source once told me that this building was a family inheritance.  For one to be able to sell, all the family heads listed in the agreement would have to okay it and divide the profits evenly among them. Her sister was obviously passing the buck, but I could hardly blame her.  My landlord is  just as lousy a communicator.

At about 9pm that night, a very official and loaded down messenger knocked on everyone's apartment door.  I got the call while I was at work that each tenant had been served with paperwork that we were all required to have.  It was a bundle of court papers as thick as my fist RE a case of Complaint against my landlord from her mortager.  They (the mortager) are also suing the NYC Dept of Parking Violations and DEP which, although I am a layman when it comes to law, makes me think that's the mortager's way of saying, "You're not taking her house, because she's losing it to US first!"

Like two fat dogs fighting over a scrawny bone my skinny chihuahua landlord was powerless to hold onto. 

So how do you sell a building that you still owe $675,000 on? 

That's what I've been wondering.  I'm also wondering how sad a financial situation you would have to be in to refinance a gift from a family member and risk losing it that way, if I indeed had my information correct.

Again, not judging.  I haven't walked in her shoes.  The girl has medical problems of some sort.

Meanwhile, I'm continuing to unpack and organize my abode.  My last move left me nearly naked as I was dumb enough to pack most of my wardrobe up in boxes I haven't even gotten to open yet.  My theory is, organization is never a bad thing.  Even if worse comes to worse and I do have to move again, it wouldn't hurt unpacking so I can repack with some sense and order the next time. 

I thought I might buy a label maker.  That seems easier than opening ten cartons to find your favorite pair of panties.

Once I'm done making my place mine, I might even have enough room to set up my 'puter terminal again and do a little tai chi.  Sure hope I get to stay this time.

I'm just happy that I've had a few nights to swallow this bitter pill and accept uncertain circumstances in a more adult manner.  Sometimes this life just makes you wanna' crap your diaper and scream bloody hell.  lol

But that doesn't get you anywhere, now does it? 

Methinks I'll buy myself a pint of Edy's Butter Pecan today and read barefoot by my window until it starts to rain.  Woo hoo! 

Afterall, that's what I'd be doing on a Sunday night anyhow..so why change my plans??

Sometimes you've gotta' be thankful for what you've got. 

"If you don't stop to smell the roses now, they might end up on you."

~Husker Du

Read Me: http://www.wherethehellwasi.com/blog/100things/55.html

2:38 PM - July 22, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Things That Go "Boink!" in the Night..

I slept amazingly well last night. 

I did have a dream, though.  I suppose it was inevitable.  I can fool my body into not believing its in the midst of a stressful situation, but my mind is as sharp as a tack.  Anytime theres a thought Id rather avoid, my brain takes it and runs amok with it in my dreams..

Over the years, Ive dreamed of the same home (the one with the hidden door at the back of it that leads to endless rooms). This dream was a little odd, because the home I owned in this one was a gorgeous Victorian Id actually never dreamed of before.  Id compare it to one of those fancy schmancy mansions you always see in those Hindi movies.  It was airy and spacious, floors of white marble and polished gold banisters along two spiral staircases.  Each majestic set of steps lead to the same place, a sort of suspended "veranda" that overlooked my livingroom.  Sure, it was my idea of paradise..Not my idea of home, which would be somewhat humbler..but most definitely my idea of heaven, bathed in its yellow glow of oakwood, stone and crystal chandeliers.  =)

In my dream, I'd let myself in to find it packed full of people.  Somehow I was aware these people were my neighbors and I wasnt a bit happy to see them.  You see, I was sure I hadn't scheduled any sort of affair and I had locked the door before I left the house. Fuck, I sure had a hell of a lot of neighbors!  They had flocked to every corner of my house by the dozens and there was nothing I could do to get rid of them! 

I realized they were rifling through my belongings, too, and then leaving through my front entrance with whatever it was they liked. As a few people left, a Chinese couple walked in and pointed at a tapestry of mine, then started to jabber.  I got the feeling they might pry it down in a minute or two...after they were done with the unauthorized tour.  They seemed to have plenty of time to spare. 

I freaked out and started screaming at the top of my lungs.  Have you ever noticed how hard it is to scream in dreams?  Theres a hormone in the human body that restricts most of our "real life"movement, even though we might be struggling for our lives in our sleep.  Dogs dont have that hormone, which is why you can see them twitch, wriggle and cry out in their sleep sometimes.  I always wake up exhausted when Ive been screaming in my dreams..because I know I was doing it silently, while my mind struggled to make my body ablige.

That must be why everyone in my dream was completely ignoring me, mingling and making their way around as if I were a 5 year old that had just feebly tugged on their shirt tails to pay attention to me. I was a joke.  "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!" I cried out.."THIS IS MY HOUSE!!  I PAY THE RENT HERE!! LEAVE THAT ALONE!! GET OUT"!!

It hadn't occurred to me to call the police.  I remember running back and forth through my hallways and between properties, returning to my grand hall where all the people were and feeling more exhausted each time.  Ocassionally, I'd get lost in a maze of hallways and when I did finally make it back, the scene was always the same..more people would push past me into my abode as if I werent there, until I stood, defeated, crying.

Holy freakin crap. 

It isn't a hard dream to decipher.  There was one feeling that definitely permeated the dream.  I guess it's how I really feel, whether I want to admit it or not.  I feel that way every time I have to move.

Violated.

I didnt wake up in that good a mood, but I got over it pretty quickly.  Im rising above the fear stage and learning to, as my mom said yesterday, take life one day at a time. 

And as for my youth wasting away as I do that?  Well, age is just a number.  And youth is just a state of mind.  Young isnt what I want to be, anyway.  I just want to be vibrant.

If you're vibrant you should be able to shine brighter than those dark spots you encounter. 

In conclusion, I have decided not to cease living my life because other people would have me do so.  I visited my favorite thrift store which will be closing at the end of the month and browsed through their library just as I had planned (and when I say library, I mean theyd put the Manhattan Lions to shame!). 

I was in awe browsing the hard and soft covers and a few impressive limited editions that would cost one a whopping 4 for a dollar (not to mention you get TWO FREE for buying those four..haha). It's incredible how many things people can think of to write about...places to visit, places to eat, stuff to cook, philosophy, quantum physics, sci-fi fantasies about the beginning of time and alternate universes..romance...teen angst...mysticism and psychology...books about people who write about mysticism and psychology..books about people who write about people who write about mysticism and psychology..hehe 

I ended up picking out a giant scrapbook bound in dark fabric with suns, moons and stars all over it.  And a diary that was the same color.  I was pleased to open them up and see nothing but blank pages inside them both.

Surrounded by all that knowledge, I realized that today my head was just too full to commit to something with writing inside it.

7:41 PM - July 11, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

A Life Lived on Hold

The home I live in was sold.  Again. 

I'll miss huggig myself and staring out at the rain.  Some comforts are so fleeting.  (takes a deep breath, thinking of the wind in my hair,  and smiles as a tear rolls down my cheek).  Still, all experiences become memories and I store every joy away as best I can to relive later.

I'm whispering now..

Thinking of how grand life is when you possess the heart of an adventurer...and how wonderful life can be under the right circumstances.  Just recently I started to have lofty dreams like that again.  This life, however, is no adventure.  It's a struggle.  And I fear there won't be much time for adventure this time around..not in this life...not for me...

It's been interesting, daring to dream amongst a society who for the most part thought I was beautifully nuts..  Or naive.  These days I find the attention more endearing than irritating.  A part of me pities those who can make great creative strides but choose not to.  To each his own, I say. There is also a saying that goes something like, "only boring people get bored.." and I'd hate to tell any gifted person who fails to grasp the holy grail, "I told you so".

I never felt I had the time to go on that journey for greatness.  I find myself wondering why dreams are sent to a soul so powerless to make the beautiful things she's invented a reality? 

 I grew up believing that if I went to school as I should and got great grades...If I kept my head in the right place and stayed off the streets...If I got a job and stuck with it and took pride in my work...If I were a "good girl", that I'd go far in life.  I didn't really have a desire to screw up, have sex early, use drugs and the whole nine like I saw a lot of my peers do.  I actually enjoyed my arrow-straight existence and the respect it's gotten me.

Still, it's not like the temptation wasn't there every now and then...

I wanted, for instance, to give up and drop out when the Honors classes just got so damned hard and thankless in eleventh grade.  The remedial kids got praised for a 95 on a test and showered with goodies.  If you were in Honors and you got a 95, the teachers told you it could've been a 100.  We didn't have rewards ceremonies unless we were going to one for the athletes or commercial classes.  I realize they were trying to push us for our own good, but a kid needs a gold star sometimes..just sometimes.  Dad was the same about forcing me into college and the thought of more kudo-less academic abuse at the time had me in knots. 

It was Mom who asked me to stick it out and said that my diploma would be something that would hold weight and value, that college was MY option as an adult, but high school was a comittment that I needed to meet to show the world that I could finish what I started. 

So I did.  I got that diploma.  Two of them as a matter of fact.

I'm feeling sorry for myself right now.  I see a cousin of mine who startig having sex when she was eleven, had her first child at twelve and dropped out of high school currently living in Connecticut and making more money a year than I do.  Crap, I wouldn't want to be her.  I love who I am.  I love the life I've led, all the love I've always had showered on me that she envied, the great people I've known, the experiences I've had, the way I'm mysteriously "watched over" at every turn.  I'm pretty much enchanted except for the fact that I can't seem to live anyplace for an extended period of time even though I always pay my rent.

Still, I'm angry right now..because I'm over thirty and life is a struggle and...and...

They sold the house I live in. 

Again.  =(

I find myself wondering when it will be my turn to live.  I wonder if my loved ones will ever know what security feels like.  I want to give us that so much, but I feel powerless.

I'm so very tired of wanting to live and never having the peace of mind to, or a penny to make due..Freedom like that, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for all of us. A full time job doesn't guarantee it.  You want to be able to buy a little something special, get your driver's license and live a little as thanks for going to work everyday.  It's normal to feel you have that right, even when you know you should be happy that you can just make ends meet.

And I'm just so sad right now, because I wasn't even done packing from the last move.  I wonder what it was all for, being the good girl?  Would things have been different if I hadn't given a damn when it mattered?  I sound envious, but I'm not...I sound full of regret, yet I'm not...

I just want to be the exact same person I am, but with the chance to live.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way, having my life scattered apart every six months or every few years.  I've swallowed pride and fear and regret so amny times..I've been strong when I had to be...I've provided for my own as best I could..I've done what I thought was the right thing at every turn.

I want the opportunity to stand still and dream.  Am I destined to spend my whole life this way while my youth slips away? 

I wonder what will happen to the novels, the designs, long walks over London cobblestone, barefoot runs through Italy and all the adventures as I roll around my hamster wheel ending where I begin, beginning where I end, as people live and laugh and life goes on around me...without me..

I've said before that I wish I could pluck the love, joy and imagination from inside my soul and give it to someone who is able to use it...someone like me who can come out to play in the rain and feel it's magic in every pore...

I hope when my little life ends that all that beauty, all that life, wouldn't have been lost, wasted on me.  There must be a place for all of it go to good use.

(Collapses and cries)

In my heart I know how lucky I am.

But just let me feel sorry for myself.

Just for now. 

My throat feels awfully tight right now.  I think I'll lay down..and dream of a place far away...Maybe home is a lot closer than I think... 

Maybe home is a place you can leave..but it never leaves you.

4:08 PM - July 10, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Prelude to a Pulitzer =P

Congratulations are in order. 

Today I found out that I have been honored by the International Library of Poetry (again).  This is the third time in a decade of dealing with them that I've been graced with their Editor's Choice Award. Although I'm still not completely convinced of the merit of this institution, I've been carelessly sending them copies of most of the poems that fall out of my head at any given moment before I post them to my blogs or webpages.

They copyright my work for free and send me author's proofs on this bond paper I like.  I always thought that little c in a circle was thanks enough. I consider this one step up from actually mailing my writing to myself and keeping it in a sealed envelope (the layman's way of preserving one's work).

Apparently, I'm an author who's been published more than once in a few of ILP's leather-bound anthologies. One of these days I'll drop by a library and borrow "Dance Upon the Shore" to see if it's true. I happen to be a writer who couldn't afford her own book, you see. Hahah

And I'm now proud to announce that, with my written permission, I'll also be recorded this year on a 33-track, three-album CD set I also can't afford.   (Pah-ha) Highlighted on my letter was some blue scribble scrabble in which the nominating editor comments, "Christina's verse is wonderfully expressive--I suggest you also select it for the "Sound of Poetry" -CS"

Strange, though.. Of all the heartfelt work I've sent in, they chose one of my sex poems to spotlight.

And all this time I thought it was a reputable organiztion.  lol

With my own writing being toasted, it ocurred to me that I'm interested in nosing around in someone else's written business.  Tomorrow I'll be bringing "TACHBUCH" in.  With the help of a decent online translator, it shouldn't be that difficult to decipher this 80-year old German mystery...

6:06 PM - July 2, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

All About the Blah Blah Blah...

The main reason I don't open up to a lot of people is because most of them are pains in the ass.  I'm often told I come off as insanely laid back.  Any of my blog readers know it isn't exactly first nature for a gal like me to take life lightly.  It's my goal..but I'm not there, in the zone, yet. 

What I can't stand is the rare ocassion I forget myself and open the door to my life a teensy crack, only to fall victim to a full frontal attack. Take for instance today when a coworker (who I feel the need to mention is my own age) asks me about my schedule.  I haven't slept in a few days for reasons I'll let you guess about and I hadn't quite locked the door to my turtle shell tightly enough. 

I droned shortly  (and between yawns) about how I was perturbed about an oversight by my manager. The woman (better known as the anti-Christ) had me down to work on the Fourth of July holiday this year.  One problem with that.  I hadn't been notified of that little fact.  I wondered when exactly she planned to let me in on that info.  Perhaps she'd give me a courtesy call around midnight on the 3rd...?

Anyhow.

I was trying to play nice and fill the silence between the coworker and I with polite banter. Conversating was actually the last thing I felt like doing in the zomboid state I was in tonight. She'd trekked across the bldg to my department and she wouldn't freakin' leave.  I've never personally had a problem with letting silence fester in a room like flat soda, but I caved tonight because I was too tired to wait her out and I was waist deep in work by the time she'd arrived.  This person hangs around at the same time every night to see if she can hitch a ride home with my ride and she seemed happy just sitting there...My one word answers to her "friendly" questions were starting to bore ME.  I have considered hiding my antisocial arse underneath a desk when my Dell clock tells me her visit is imminent.

Why am I such a sociopath? Well, I'm getting to that... 

The coworker told me I should tell the manager I had plans on that day and would not be coming in, which would have effectively left her up shit's creek without a paddle. Managment had already confirmed that I was in the right for her continual lack of protocol and I just needed to say the word.

The truth was, I needed the money. 

I also didn't think it would be very nice to have Mrs. Manager struggling for a fill-in at the last minute only to end up missing July 4th with her family because the rest of the dept she had alienated also refused to come in. 

Half of me really leaned towards wanting the overtime, and I told the cowroker that.  I also pointed out that it's wise to choose your battles.  I didn't have a point to make this time around to my manager, but she might not be as lucky the next time. 

Well didn't all hell break loose after I said that.

"Oh PLEASE!!"  Said the coworker.  "Like you need the money THAT bad! Tell her off!  You act as if a day's pay is going to make or break you!"

What were my delicate ears perceiving?  Hmmm?  Attitude?  (Grrrr..easy, Cazzy!) I was sure my perception must have been off, leaned my weight on one hip and scanned her with narrow eyes and a cool, collected smile. 

"Actually, it might.  Times are tough, and I'm living beyond my means right now..This could get me a little closer to making the rent on time this month.."

I almost thought I heard her hiss.  What ensued was a long speech about how she was a single mother and if anyone should be struggling it was her.  I was told I should move out of the apartment I had because I obviously didn't need it.

Well, I lost it..but only on the inside.  On the outside I'd calmy crossed my arms and asked rather rationally. "How do you know what I need?  I wasn't aware that I'd volunteered any facts about my personal life that would allow you to make that judgment call". The extent of her knowledge, as a matter of fact, was that I leave my office at 10 every night. Pretty tell-tale element of a person's life, but it leaves much to be desired in terms of intimacy. 

More often than not I don't put up a fight. I wonder sometimes what that says to people.  I'm usually too busy living my own life to worry about what goes on beyond the scope of my consciousness.  If my lack of argument makes them believe they've won some sort of a battle or imposed their belief system on me, well then I'm happy to have contributed to their false, desperate sense of self assurance.

Because it doesn't cost anything to make a person happy. lol 

I'm aware that anyone, including me, could find themselves a single pa