Once in a Blue Moon...

Well, hello strangers..It's been a long time..Or has it?

Journalhome's a pretty desirable website in that you could start a blog in 2009, finish it in 2011, and there's date/time option that will still allow you to publish it as if it were written at any point in time. I thought I might set the bar back to 1953 just to screw with some historian's head should the internet be mysteriously obliterated, except for my blogs..Too bad the damed thing only goes back to the year 2000.  =)

I've found myself writing less and less these days, and saving the few thoughts I have taken time to gather in draft mode. The truth is, I haven't been doing as much soul searching as usual...There hasn't been the "premeditation" to write. The habit to manifest feelings as words has been broken. As much as I hate to admit it, it was writing all along that made me an observer and not a participater in life. It was the only habit I never could break, because it was so much a part of my own conception of myself.

One day, I decided that living was more important than recording and that, perhaps people weren't worthy of the time I was taking away from my life in an attempt to be remembered long after I am gone. Don't get me wrong..If it hadn't been for the Charles Dickens, Jane Austens amd Angela Landsburys (shut up lol) of the world, impressionable little girls such as myself never would've dreamed of being novelists.

That just isn't me anymore. In trying to transfer so much of my old writing to the screen, I realized what an unbelievable writer I was back then, I felt the blaze and imagination behind every word, I saw how immersed I was in worlds within me that could never be real...I simply don't have the passion I did anymore..

For words, that is. I hope they'll always be people out there to capture the glory I feel every day, and perhaps someday the writer in me will reawaken, but my new passion is so far away from the descriptive..

The best things in life are waking up in the morning to a doting husband waving a steaming cup of coffee under your chin...Shopping with your mom and talking about everything under the sun...The best things in life are a great meal after great lovemaking...Giggling next to your mate when you see your mom and dad having the same trivial arguments you do, realizing we all essentially turn into our parents, lol...Waking up holding your husband's hand, because you fell alseep that way..

The best and worst feeling in the world is being seperated from your own inner sense of self, coming out, arms open, into a place where there is nothing left to prove to others, nothing left to display. On the one hand, you feel and mourn the loss of who you once were..

On the other hand, it's liberating, even though you haven't the pride anymore to scream about that victory from the highest mountain. You just stand there and the company you have at the peak is all that matters. It's like people finally acheiving world peace, but there are no journalists to report it. Nothing has to be said, because everyone in the world just...knows.

It's about 11:30pm and I've got about 2 hours before I'm up and about again. Roger and I sort of have second jobs delivering the morning paper near Carnegie Hill. We still have our middle-of-the-night adventures like we used to, only this time we're getting paid for it. We sure feel smart, lol.

I felt I couldn't go to sleep without coming here and seeing if words still felt as good as they used to.

They may never have the appeal they once did, but I'll say one thing..

I sure missed Journalhome.

P.S. (Because I will always love those) I must commend Jay-Z and Beyonce on their fabulous taste in honoring their first child with my nick, "Blue". You can't have too many Blues in the world.. =)

I may have to start calling myself Blue again. There are WAY too many Cazmias on the net these days!

Ciao bella, bella!

11:06 PM - January 14, 2012 - post comment