Freedom Dream

Where would any of us be without those sorts of dreams that royally screw with our heads? 

Freakin' A, I was too happy for words last night and if I had been conscious enough to stop those feelings, I probably would've missed out bigtime. 

Without trying, I'm usually a lucid dreamer. Always in control, I often wonder what it would feel like to, just once, be stripped of  all responsibility, caution, inhibition. Sadly I can't even find the capacity to "let go" in my dreams. 

That changed last night when someone else was in complete control..It wasn't even an overpowering feeling.  It was a good friend smiling and extending his hand to me. Once I'd touched him, all my cares melted away.  I remember  feeling like a child with no grasp over the concept of worry or fear.  The power to had been taken away from me.  I was only allowed to happily exist in the moment.  I can't figure out for the life of me why this particular person was the face this "feeling" had taken, but I had never felt so utterly swayed by positive energy before.

And I can't believe how happy I was. 

I'm figuratively kicking myself in the head right now.  I can't remember the details..details..DETAILS!!  Don't you hate it when you have a ball in R.E.M. and you can't remember any of it?  It's right there on the tip of my brain, too.  If I sit here and concentrate on it until I smell rubber burning, I just know I'll be granted those precious details I desire.

I'm just thirsty for a taste of that joy again, though I know it won't be the same because I'm conscious (and cautious) again.

I know we were in a room inside someone's home meeting again for the first time in a long time..It was crowded at first, but we'd recognized each other instantly and in a wink he was in front of me, smiling.  We started joking and speaking our language & everyone else had disappeared...apparently because they knew we'd be so into each other that they had become unnecessary to the dream. Don't you love it when inconvenient company knows when to bug off? lol

It was the language I can't remember.  We were constructing something, not with our hands but with our minds. I felt like one half of a two person football huddle. 

We seemed romantically engaged in a hug.  Yet it didn't feel as if I were with a lover..I remember fiddling with the silver around his neck and the leather across his chest, leaning my hips against his and it was completely innocent, completely devoid of the sexual tension that affects two gender opposites when they clash. 

I felt like a happy child, but I wanted him deeply and wanting him meant wanting the playful touch, the lilting laugh and the scent and taste I hadn't known the likes of before.  I've dreamed of this person before and there was always this carefree, advenurous feeling of comradery there. He keeps coming back to me in familiar settings, places we've been, places we know.

I'm confused by this particular dream, by the way it made me feel, by the person it starred...and because there was as much fun as my increasing "him-dreams" but the emotional intimacy seems increased tenfold each time, this ...grrrr ...maelstrom of emotional closeness !    

(Bangs my head on my desk)

Naturally, it's a little sad that the most fun I've had in years was spent talking and roughhousing with a pal in my dreams who then solemnly kissed and caressed me.  There was no end to the dream and no beginning..I felt the same thing throughout it as I had when I first spotted him across a room as the dream began..The whole dream was a happy glint of recognition (Hey, I know you!  How long has it been??)..and this energy drawing us close...The whole dream was a good feeling, which made the nature of our touches as chaste as play in grade school.  Pure fun.

And maybe that's just it.  They say you dream of what you desire, what your life is missing.  I've always classically defined a friend as someone that you don't have to be afraid of what you feel with..A friend should share your creativite impulses, your successes, your blah days, your smiles, your tears, listen to your doubts, admire you despite your shortcomings, never chastise you for what you can't give...A friend is someone who makes you feel free.

What happened to when bonding with someone gave me a good feeling, one I knew I could trust?

Every friendship I've ever known has had a hurtful and somewhat insulting end.  There's always complication, silence and confsuion.  I think to myself, "life is too short to spend time feeling sorry that you've been cleft out of the life of a person you thought you meant the world to... too short to sit and wait and hope for a little communication...too short to be so sensitive....to hold grudges...and to be on the opposite end of a grudge, too". 

Too short to not treat someone like you care about them just because you can, because you still have the time to.

It's so easy to bring joy to someone's life when you're easygoing.  It takes more Machiavellian design  to make a soul miserable than it does to make someone happy. Love is so simple.

I see webpage after webpage devoted to people talking about how they're these enlightened, nonconformist thinkers, movers and shakers..I haven't met a person yet who hasn't strayed from the standard formula when it comes to human emotion. My question is, what ever happened to being light-hearted?

And if I was feeling such untapped, adolescent euphoria in that dream, where was that presence coming from..?  I sure haven't been a positive vibe machine myself  in years.  Is the friend who happened to star actually the benevolent force that is so much stronger than I am that his tender passion paralyzed me last night?

My ability to worry, hate, exercise my vehement lack of trust and, yes, dream lucid was 100 percent incapacitated by him.

The phrase unbridled glee comes to mind.  

It got me thinking..

If I could just learn to live my life everyday feeling the way I did last night, I'd be the happiest person on earth. 

I don't believe much in soulmates anymore, in the ultimate selection of one person for another.  It seems more about compatibility. There is more than one person out there that we each click with.  It's just about not being afraid to explore those other possibilities, not dwelling in one loss your entire life, because you thought it was the only one meant for you.

It might seem like common knowledge or an insignificant notion to many..but those words reflect a great change in me. 

So why am I dreaming of feelings I don't believe in anymore?

Maybe it wasn't my head that dream screwed with afterall.  Maybe it was my twisted heart that took the blow.

6:02 PM - June 27, 2007 - post comment