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Shadow Writing

A Life Lived on Hold

The home I live in was sold. Again.

I'll miss huggig myself and staring out at the rain. Some comforts are so fleeting. (takes a deep breath, thinking of the wind in my hair, and smiles as a tear rolls down my cheek). Still, all experiences become memories and I store every joy away as best I can to relive later.

I'm whispering now..

Thinking of how grand life is when you possess the heart of an adventurer...and how wonderful life can be under the right circumstances. Just recently I started to have lofty dreams like that again. This life, however, is no adventure. It's a struggle. And I fear there won't be much time for adventure this time around..not in this life...not for me...

It's been interesting, daring to dream amongst a society who for the most part thought I was beautifully nuts.. Or naive. These days I find the attention more endearing than irritating. A part of me pities those who can make great creative strides but choose not to. To each his own, I say. There is also a saying that goes something like, "only boring people get bored.." and I'd hate to tell any gifted person who fails to grasp the holy grail, "I told you so".

I never felt I had the time to go on that journey for greatness. I find myself wondering why dreams are sent to a soul so powerless to make the beautiful things she's invented a reality?

I grew up believing that if I went to school as I should and got great grades...If I kept my head in the right place and stayed off the streets...If I got a job and stuck with it and took pride in my work...If I were a "good girl", that I'd go far in life. I didn't really have a desire to screw up, have sex early, use drugs and the whole nine like I saw a lot of my peers do. I actually enjoyed my arrow-straight existence and the respect it's gotten me.

Still, it's not like the temptation wasn't there every now and then...

I wanted, for instance, to give up and drop out when the Honors classes just got so damned hard and thankless in eleventh grade. The remedial kids got praised for a 95 on a test and showered with goodies. If you were in Honors and you got a 95, the teachers told you it could've been a 100. We didn't have rewards ceremonies unless we were going to one for the athletes or commercial classes. I realize they were trying to push us for our own good, but a kid needs a gold star sometimes..just sometimes. Dad was the same about forcing me into college and the thought of more kudo-less academic abuse at the time had me in knots.

It was Mom who asked me to stick it out and said that my diploma would be something that would hold weight and value, that college was MY option as an adult, but high school was a comittment that I needed to meet to show the world that I could finish what I started.

So I did. I got that diploma. Two of them as a matter of fact.

I'm feeling sorry for myself right now. I see a cousin of mine who startig having sex when she was eleven, had her first child at twelve and dropped out of high school currently living in Connecticut and making more money a year than I do. Crap, I wouldn't want to be her. I love who I am. I love the life I've led, all the love I've always had showered on me that she envied, the great people I've known, the experiences I've had, the way I'm mysteriously "watched over" at every turn. I'm pretty much enchanted except for the fact that I can't seem to live anyplace for an extended period of time even though I always pay my rent.

Still, I'm angry right now..because I'm over thirty and life is a struggle and...and...

They sold the house I live in.

Again. =(

I find myself wondering when it will be my turn to live. I wonder if my loved ones will ever know what security feels like. I want to give us that so much, but I feel powerless.

I'm so very tired of wanting to live and never having the peace of mind to, or a penny to make due..Freedom like that, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for all of us. A full time job doesn't guarantee it. You want to be able to buy a little something special, get your driver's license and live a little as thanks for going to work everyday. It's normal to feel you have that right, even when you know you should be happy that you can just make ends meet.

And I'm just so sad right now, because I wasn't even done packing from the last move. I wonder what it was all for, being the good girl? Would things have been different if I hadn't given a damn when it mattered? I sound envious, but I'm not...I sound full of regret, yet I'm not...

I just want to be the exact same person I am, but with the chance to live.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way, having my life scattered apart every six months or every few years. I've swallowed pride and fear and regret so amny times..I've been strong when I had to be...I've provided for my own as best I could..I've done what I thought was the right thing at every turn.

I want the opportunity to stand still and dream. Am I destined to spend my whole life this way while my youth slips away?

I wonder what will happen to the novels, the designs, long walks over London cobblestone, barefoot runs through Italy and all the adventures as I roll around my hamster wheel ending where I begin, beginning where I end, as people live and laugh and life goes on around me...without me..

I've said before that I wish I could pluck the love, joy and imagination from inside my soul and give it to someone who is able to use it...someone like me who can come out to play in the rain and feel it's magic in every pore...

I hope when my little life ends that all that beauty, all that life, wouldn't have been lost, wasted on me. There must be a place for all of it go to good use.

(Collapses and cries)

In my heart I know how lucky I am.

But just let me feel sorry for myself.

Just for now.

My throat feels awfully tight right now. I think I'll lay down..and dream of a place far away...Maybe home is a lot closer than I think...

Maybe home is a place you can leave..but it never leaves you.