Shadow Shortage

Gee, it's been a long time since I've last written.  Crazy how quickly time passes when you're struggling to keep up.  Someone once said,  "Life is what's happening while you're waiting to live..".  I really should've taped the that quote to my forehead. 

Being a daywalker isn't as bad as I thought it would be. 

I don't fit in in this bright, stuffy world, but I learned I was an adaptable little bugger a long time ago.  When the need arises I can be a chameleon, too.  If I stumble clumsily, I'm the only one who knows it.  Fake it 'till ya make it..

I pride myself on making the transition look effortless.  One valuable thing daylight hours have given me are the ability to delve headfirst into progress as it pertains to my personal life.   I was tip-toeing past life, even before I got thrown out of my home twice and into the chaos that is my current state.  Happily, it feels as if the physical punishment is over for now.  I am pet-less, have cut the sum of my belongings in half and, although it looks like I might be laying my head at yet another foreclosure case, I'm clinging to a lease I just signed for dear life.  Eesh! How many times can a gal scrape up 2 months security and 1 month's rent, anyway?? 

So the brunt of my distress appears to be finanacial.  I'm a New Yorker.  We're made of tough stuff.  The Big Guy has always thrown me a raft when I thought I was about to sink.  For the time being I'm doing the dog paddle.  I

The disarray that moving into a place with a hell of a lot less space has caused me is starting to fade slowly into an organized mess. lol  I'm starting to be able to move and find things I'm looking for when I actually need them..Hoorah!  I made a space for my hairbrush!  I was getting tired of running my fingers through my hair on my way out. I had the same amount of time under moonlight, yet I didn't start making this alarming progress until I took my act into the sunight

Hard work is harder without motivation. 

We all have those little notions we cling to that get us through a tough patch in life.  For me, it was the idea of nights by my computer desk visiting my favorite websites.  I like my independence when I surf and I'm censored here. 

My main motivation was the thought of who I was looking forward to...of curling up on my couch (once I can afford one) with a good friend and watching kung flu flicks whilst we munched down on high-carb only delights until dawn.  Sadly, I found out that I might be losing that loved one to distance and that humble, lil' dream of mine may never become a reality.

It hit me like a fist in the bread basket.

I cried shortly, something I'll only admit here.  A voice in my head moaned, "don't go!"  A part of me wondered if he might be waiting for someone to say that..then I realized how much of a selfish narcissist I was for even entertaining that thought...Ultimately, I wish him well...very well.

Although, on my end...

I'm full of regret that we'll never get to meet at the Manhattan Mall and share a Cinnabun by the penny fountain..That we'll never borrow and lose one another's books and movies. That we may never enjoy the leisure of dropping in on one another on the odd winter night when one sneezes over the line and the other decides to drop in unannounced with chicken soup...I do things like that, weird unbelievably loving things.

See, I've always thought you should live the kind of life worthy of publication.    So I'm on a mission to create for my loved ones a patchwork quilt of quirky memories.

I also regret that we'll cease being able to celebrate being comrades of New York blood (Go Yankees!)...I'm just too damned slow a bloomer, I suppose.  His news had me frustrated at my situation even though I'm doing great work at it. I transferred that anger to life in general yesterday and hated everything and everyone for a few.  My family and coworkers know when to stay away from me. 

But change is a part of life..and the adaptive chameleon in me must go on. 

I have to admire my pal's gumption in leaving.  I couldn't imagine being anywhere else but here, at the center of all technology and entertainment, for an extended period of time.  Sure, I'd love to visit Paris or run barefoot down a tropic footpath in Greece, but Manhattan Island would always call me home again. I'm aware of the speed-demon, creature that never knows peace urge within me.  Any New Yorker is part masochist.

Someday soon I'll be back at my old haunt, myspace, and that Firewall-free log-on will symbolize for me how far I've come.  I'll be thinking about how hard I worked just to get back to this place, to get back on my feet again..if I ever really did have my feet on the ground, that is. 

Then, after about ten minutes there, I see myself logging off and wondering why I was so excited to be back...

That's what happens when you're deprived of something you love for too long.  In the process of trying to attain what you thought you wanted...you end up outgrowing it.

And to think, only months before I come out of my shell, I lose the ray of sunlight that I always thought would greet me when I arrived ...That teaches me not to take those I love for granted.

Fate dictates that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe it was just bad timing.  Or maybe I thought something was meant to be that wasn't.  My slogan about destiny being a path that cha' can't stray from keeps coming back to slap me in the face...

I just wonder where I'm headed...

And I wonder who will be waiting for me at the end of the path I'm on...

Would that I could steady the world, so it might cease upon a time that belongs to us.  ~Cazmia

5:53 PM - September 21, 2007 - post comment