I will never understand what it is about easter that seems to draw me toward catholicism. For the last three years or so, when the holiday is almost here I begin to miss the church, or something about it and it's not something I can easily define.
When I was a little girl and my parents were still catholic I do remember being very excited to be a bead in the living rosary, which we did at or around easter. I remember also enjoying the events the church planned for the children on easter Sunday, and how joyful Father C seemed to be during the service.
I think perhaps it's the connection I still feel to Jesus, Mother Mary and The Magdelene. Long after I've left the miserable life christianity created for me behind, this connection is still strong. Loving them all does not a christian make, however, since if not for this separate trinity I would have nothing to do with christianity at all. In my life I have seen nothing but negatives, smugness (at being the chosen, I assume), aggressions and abuse.
Yet this same time of year makes me think of the more pleasant aspects of the church and creates a certain sadness that I can not go back. My current husband and I would both need an annulment, which is too painful and expensive for me. I will not relive the most painful experience of my life so that a group of people I do not know can judge whether or not my current marriage is valid enough to allow me to participate in the sacraments. It's not just a matter of will not, I truly can not. I literally could not stand it emotionally or spiritually. Since for a catholic, being cut off from the sacraments is the same as being separated from god, there is no point if I can't get the annulment, which even if I could deal with it emotionally, is too expensive for me to deal with financially, especially since my husband and I both would have to go through the process.
Yet every spring for the last three years I've felt as if I wanted to. Then, once easter passes, it suddenly goes away. It's like realization sets in and I understand that I can't be what I'm not. While I do believe in a God, I do not believe that there is no feminine force at work in the universe. I am drawn toward them both. I honor both or none. In demanding that I leave the Goddess behind, christianity asks too much.
Then there's the issue of abuse. I have no sincere desire to return to the religion that caused me so much grief.
Still, every easter...
A small part of me seems to want it even though most of me unquestioningly does not.
I suppose there's not much I can do, but pray, meditate and look inward.
|
Its sad and deeply troubling that a Catholic priest can molest children engage in pedophilia which under the law is statutory rape, yet the Catholic Archdiocese wil do everything they can to act as enablers to cover it up and of course have him sent to a pyscologist who will of course be a priest or a lay person on the Archdiocese payroll and pronounced "cured" after "X" amount of time whether he is or not and reassigned to a new parish with his sexual misconduct kept hidden from the parishoners of the new parish.
Oh my if there is a liberal Cardinal which there are precious few of, and he ordains a woman into the priesthood, they not only defrock him, they go way beyond that, they ex-communicate him
latae sententiae which means at the time the act takes place
the fastest form of excommunication, this is the misogyny and contempt that the clergy has for women, that they would dole out a more severe punishment to a Cardinal ordaining a woman that wants to serve God than a Priest that engages in pedophilia and commits statutory rape.
This only exists because men have all the power hierarchy its all so sad Shannon my heart is with you always
Sincerely,
Your friend,
(((((((((((((((Loads of Easter Hugs)))))))))))
Heather